What to do when your entire family buys "off the registry"?

appelfather

I gotta say, I'm a little disappointed with how many people are buying "off the registry" for my wedding in a week.  At my shower, fully HALF of the gifts I received were things I did not register for.  Some things do not even match the things we actually did register for - not even close (i.e. if you were going to buy us towels off the registry, wouldn't you at least buy them in the same colors we asked for on the registry?).  If the actual wedding follows suit, it will be the biggest hassle ever to try to return everything. 

I should also explain that gifts in general are going to be a hassle for us, because we live far away from where my family lives, and we are having the wedding closer to them.  So if people bring gifts to the wedding, we are going to have to either a) return everything there and buy it again here, or b) try to ship it.  That's all gifts, not just registry gifts.  On top of that, if they buy off the registry and if they don't include gift receipts with their off-registry gifts (which hasn't been the case so far), we have to run around and figure out where all this came from and sometimes the store won't even take it back.  

I seriously do not understand what the problem is with buying things that I asked for - if it's a money thing, there are many many things that I registered for that are under $25.  If they can't get to the store (a lot of people live in small towns) they can go online and send it directly to our house.  If they don't want to buy anything we registered for, they can send us a gift card.  I'm seriously not getting what the deal is here.  

Anyway, this is really just a rant.  I know that they mean well and are doing what they think is best.  But I'm finding it really hard to be grateful when I know exactly how much hassle this is going to cause me...

Perspective, anyone?

AdeleDazeem

I'm sure it's frustrating and I'm sorry this is stressing you out. 

I'll try to give you a little perspective...  I am someone who rarely buys strictly on registry.  I've just never found any enjoyment in giving a gift that is a box of spoons, ya know?  That being said, I usually incorporate some registry items with a larger gift, but sometimes I don't.  I try to give a gift that I know the couple will like based on my knowledge of their likes and dislikes.  It is my money to spend on something for them and I'm going to spend it on a gift that I'm proud and happy to give while keeping their desires in mind.

I'm sure these people are trying for you, but have strong opinions about things you definitely NEED.  If you don't need it, it's okay.  Try to return it or simply donate it.  We got some random off-registry stuff for our wedding, too.  Some of them we're still looking at going "Yeah, that's not something we want," but some of it is kinda cool!  We have a traditional Chinese tea set - definitely not anything I would have gotten myself!

Try to look at the off-registry stuff as surprises and things you might be able to use in different ways.  If you really hate, then there's nothing that says you must keep it.  If you can return it, save up the money (and the money you recieve at the wedding) to buy out your registry.

Good luck!

artbyallie

If it's such a hassle for you to receive gifts, maybe you should just donate them all to charity, where they will be appreciated. I mean, really? People are not obligated to give you anything, much less purchase from your registry. Write gracious thank you notes and be a grown-up about it.

And FWIW, we got a number of off-registry gifts that happened to be some of our favorites because they were very thoughtful.

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_what-to-do-when-your-entire-family-buys-off-the-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:758b3d51-cb8b-4c26-b8ef-3ac4cf46d02dPost:bab76a79-6aa6-47a4-b8bf-8cf5a347ab49">Re: What to do when your entire family buys "off the registry"?</a>:
[QUOTE]If it's such a hassle for you to receive gifts, maybe you should just donate them all to charity, where they will be appreciated. I mean, really?<strong> People are not obligated to give you anything, much less purchase from your registry. Write gracious thank you notes and be a grown-up about it.</strong> And FWIW, we got a number of off-registry gifts that happened to be some of our favorites because they were very thoughtful.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You know, I really do get it.  I do.  But in all honesty, a registry is just a list of things you would like to have, a guideline.  It is up to the giver to decide what they want to do.</div><div>
</div><div>I have a MUCH older sister (65) who refuses to touch a registry when buying a gift.  In all honesty, she just doesn't like to be "told what to do" and has one or two control issues.  I, on the other hand, ONLY buy off the registry.  I do that in the hope that 10 years after the wedding, I will have chosen something the couple still has and remembers it was a gift from kmmssg and her DH.</div><div>
</div><div>We got married 16 yrs ago (I'm a MOB) and we got a couple of gifts that have never seen the light of day.  Most likely won't.  What IS important with those gifts is I know the intent of the gift giver.  They were given with much love and care.  Make sure you are focusing on that rather than whether or not something came off the registry.

</div>

Avion22

Most of my husband's older relative bought us gifts that weren't from our registry.  We got some VERY beautiful crystal pieces and a Tiffany vase.  These aren't items that I ever would have registered for, but I absolutely love them.  They will last us a lifetime, and every time we use them we will think of our wedding day and the thoughtful people who gave them to us.

I can see why you are frustrated about towels....if it's easy to return them, then return them and get the ones you really want.  If it's a pain to return them, then just throw them in the linen closet.  You will amost certainly use them someday as guest towels or something.  If they are hideously ugly and you are positive that you will never use them, and you can't return them, then give them to a homeless shelter -- they always need towels.  

 

TheVirginians

Avion, thank you for mentioning a Tiffany vase. For a wedding last year, we gave a Tiffany vase to the couple.

This is just one of many times I have gone off the registry.  Why?  There is usually nothing "giftable" on the registry.  Maybe I just want to give something pretty.  I see registries full of things like measuring spoons sets, potato peelers, a scale, parts of their stainless pattern, and then, finally, a very expensive china pattern. 

OP, I agree with you in part, as in buying different towels but at least in your selected color.  In my case, it is not a money issue, but instead finding something I want to give.  Do make sure that your registry has not only items you need, but items you think people would like to give as a gift.

bridalmarch

One of my favorite gifts to give is lovely wooden trays or serving bowls from an artisan shop in my city. They're well priced and I love them. Everyone I've given them to has been over the moon about them. I very rarely buy from the registry. 

I understand the frustration I guess, but I think it sounds ungrateful to complain about any gift. If they're buying off-registry, I feel like they've put a lot of thought into you and what you like. 

appelfather

Thanks for all the feedback, fellow knotties.  To be honest, I was expecting most people to just call me a selfish snob - although that advice is helpful too, it is good to keep the bridezillas in check.  I do feel sort of ashamed of myself for feeling this way, especially toward my family members who I know care about me.  Thank you to all of those who have expressed sympathy for my frustration, I really appreciate your help. 

I do want to point out that I am not upset over things like Tiffany vases or other personalized gifts.  For example, I received a set of embroidered tea towels from my grandmother that I will keep forever - things like that are priceless.  I am not opposed to "off registry" gifts in general.  It is when I have specifically registered for something and then I get something sort of similar except in a different style and a different color from a different store.  Things like this are driving me nuts.  I just don't understand the motivation behind it.  And with the added frustration of having to somehow get all of this stuff to my apartment, it is really stressing me out.  I was hoping someone out there might have had a similar experience and some advice on how they dealt with it.  

As it turns out, I think I will just have to try to focus on the sentiment instead of the added hassle and just deal with it the best I can.  

Anyway, thanks for your comments!  Wish me luck!

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_what-to-do-when-your-entire-family-buys-off-the-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:758b3d51-cb8b-4c26-b8ef-3ac4cf46d02dPost:4a162507-04e8-4eef-b4b7-b48858ee61e7">Re: What to do when your entire family buys "off the registry"?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the feedback, fellow knotties.  To be honest, I was expecting most people to just call me a selfish snob - although that advice is helpful too, it is good to keep the bridezillas in check.  I do feel sort of ashamed of myself for feeling this way, especially toward my family members who I know care about me.  Thank you to all of those who have expressed sympathy for my frustration, I really appreciate your help.  I do want to point out that I am not upset over things like Tiffany vases or other personalized gifts.  For example, I received a set of embroidered tea towels from my grandmother that I will keep forever - things like that are priceless.  I am not opposed to "off registry" gifts in general. <strong> It is when I have specifically registered for something and then I get something sort of similar except in a different style and a different color from a different store.  Things like this are driving me nuts.  I just don't understand the motivation behind it.</strong>  And with the added frustration of having to somehow get all of this stuff to my apartment, it is really stressing me out.  I was hoping someone out there might have had a similar experience and some advice on how they dealt with it.   As it turns out, I think I will just have to try to focus on the sentiment instead of the added hassle and just deal with it the best I can.   Anyway, thanks for your comments!  Wish me luck!
Posted by appelfather[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My guess is that these people either A) didn't look at your registry at all, B) found a great deal on towels at some other store, or C) are re-gifting something.   We got a few random gifts too (a turntable record player?!?! we own no records...), and I can only guess at the motivation.  I mean, obviously the giver gave it because he thought we would enjoy it, and I guess there's really no other "motivation" needed.  </div><div>
</div><div>Like any gift, all you can do is send your gracious thanks, then figure what to do with the item.  The record player is in our storage unit until we figure out what to do with it.   And in ten years we'll probalby still share a little chuckle over it:-) </div><div>
</div>

DaveandRoxy

How many people actually knew about your registry. Did you make it wasy for them to find out or how did you let them know. Also, where did you register? Is this a store that's near the guests or can be found easily? One of the weddings I went to never announced their registry so I was kind of forced to get a gift card. Another I went to registered at Crate & Barrel and we don't have one of those in San Antonio (that I know of). Anyhow, that's my perspective.

theelusive1

I have been in the store and helped several older people who were trying to buy off a registry. Three different times it was in baby stuff.  Once in home goods. I can see why people don't use the registry. They are very hard to find the same item. Which to me is a PITA. It is much easier for me to get a gift card.  If you want blue towels I will get them.  but I am not looking up a sku to make sure I got the right ones.  There are not enough workers in stores to help people that is one reason people don't use them.

ninamyspace

I think you should just be glad they got you a gift to begin with and took the time and effort.

A good bit of people came to our wedding with no gifts at all. Just something to keep in mind.

JacklovesSarah

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_what-to-do-when-your-entire-family-buys-off-the-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:758b3d51-cb8b-4c26-b8ef-3ac4cf46d02dPost:3ff2fadf-2e9f-4955-9b3a-67d98f760f6b">What to do when your entire family buys "off the registry"?</a>:
[QUOTE] if it's a money thing, there are many many things that I registered for that are under $25.  If they can't get to the store (a lot of people live in small towns) they can go online and send it directly to our house.  If they don't want to buy anything we registered for, they can send us a gift card.  <strong>I'm seriously not getting what the deal is here. </strong>  Anyway, this is really just a rant.  I know that they mean well and are doing what they think is best.  But I'm finding it really hard to be grateful when I know exactly how much hassle this is going to cause me... Perspective, anyone?
Posted by appelfather[/QUOTE]

You don't get it, but the rest of us do.