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Is it rude to not give a gift...

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Re: Is it rude to not give a gift...

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    It really depends on the situation...how close you are with the person, whether the wedding is nearby or far away, and if you are attending, or not.
    If the wedding is nearby and you are going, you should make an effort to buy a gift - evne something small from their registry.  If the wedding is far away and you are spending a lot of money to travel to the wedding, then a card is more than acceptable - the couple will be thankful of your investment in attending their wedding (at least, this is how I feel about all of my guests invited from out of town to my wedding...if they can make it, that is awesome).  If the wedding is far away and you are not attending, then a card or gift depending on how close you are to the couple.  I wouldn't just not acknowledge the invitation at all...unless you honestly have no idea why you were invited and never want this person to be in your life again.
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    Yes, I do think it is very rude to not give a gift at all, even a small one.  People are spending a lot of money to feed and entertain you even at budget weddings.  If the registry items are too expensive then gIve what you can, even a gift card to the store where they are registered, or a gift card to a restaurant where the couple can go for dinner.
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    I would never ever go to a wedding and not send/give a gift. If you are having financial troubles, the rule of thumb is up to 6 months after the wedding to send something.

    You should also keep in mind that the bride and groom are paying for you to attend, it in most cases is returning the favor for what they spent on you. Food and drink alone can be $100+ a person, sending nothing is not only sad, but rude.

    People are not concerned with the monatary value, especially if you are in the wedding party or traveling for the wedding, but anything is better than nothing.
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    I think a card is essential, but a gift is not. I simply cannot afford to send a gift to ever person that invites me to their wedding - especially if I'm not attending or am not close to them.

    I save the gift buying for the weddings that I attend (or I'm close to the person but just can't make it to the wedding).
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    My fiance and I are requesting cash and visa gift cards instead of registering anywhere just because I don't want to go through returning repeat gifts or registering period.  Probably lazy on my part but right now that's the least of my worries.  I'm planning and coordinating pretty much everything on my own.  With that said, if my guests do not, will not or can not give a gift, I would hope they would be considerate enough to at least give us a card.  I personally think it's rude for Brides to have several different showers and be upset if they don't receive multiple gifts from the same guests.  I also think it's rude to constantly go to weddings and showers empty handed.  Sometimes just declining an invite is the way to go. 
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    ltykaltyka member
    First Comment
    If you're not attending the wedding, I don't think it's rude at all not to send a gift.  Sending an invitation is not a requirement to send a gift.  I mean, they send the invitation because they want to share the day with you, right?   Even if you go to the wedding, if you can't afford a gift, a card with a nice note and warm thougts is perhaps even more meaningful than an impersonal gift off a registry.   It's all about celebrating the beginning of a new life!!!
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    I think it is fine but a card is always appreciated and is in everyone's price range.  They are inviting you to a party at the very least.
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    The only reason you should ever not give a gift is if you are not attending the wedding, which in some cases could still be considered rude. If you can't afford a gift then don't go to the wedding!!
    The bride and groom are putting out thousands upon thousands of dollars towards the wedding and thats the least you could do. In no circumstances is it okay to show up to a wedding empty handed eat and drink all you want and not give a single cent.
    Where I'm from the minimal gift is $100 per person attending if your bringing a guest $200-$250 is average, and any gift that isn't cash is usually frowned upon.
    I don't know what kind of wedding you guys are attending, but in Canada the average plate cost is $30-50 and the bar is always open, so it would be really tacky to not come with a gift, or just a card!!
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    What a great question. I was actually invited via email to a wedding that is taking place this weekend. I received the emailed invitation two weeks ago and accepted it happily. Although we are not close friends, we are gchat buddies and once worked together. Well, last week I had to put the car in the shop and it's going to cost $1200 to fix. So not only do I not have a way to get to the wedding, I honestly don't have the money for a gift! I have a wedding to go to next weekend, and a Jamica wedding in July. Not to mention, I'm saving for my own wedding next year, and I'll also be attending a close friend's and my brother's wedding as well in 2011. It's wedding craziness!! But I digress...I sent an email to my friend a few days ago and simply said we can't make it. A gift just ain't in the budget, and I'd feel rude going w/out a gift.
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    I would never want gifts from people because they think they "have" to give something. I can buy myself a toaster or coffee pot. When your wedding becomes about who gave you a present and who didn't, you need to realize what weddings are really about.... Not presents!

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    If one is attending the wedding, it would be nice to try to get a gift of some sort. Even if its something inexpensive. If one is not attending, then a card is ok.
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    I dont think it's rude. Your "gift" is your presence at the wedding. If you decide not to go, unless you are close to the couple, they probably won't miss your gift or card. As a bride I am speding money on each guest, but I am not looking for a payback. It's the bride and groom's party and they should not be expecting everyone to try to make up for the bill in gifts.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_rude-not-give-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:9dfb28c5-ea7b-47ef-8689-a7910a0afab4Post:120f517e-d1ec-4176-b651-6af0d57f9618">Re: Is it rude to not give a gift...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it rude to not give a gift... : So, my husband and I, who are spending $800 for a DW next weekend, and recently had to spend just under $200 getting rid of a flea infestation in our house, who didn't even get each other anniversary gifts yet, are rude because we will be sending  a wedding gift to the happy couple a month or two after their wedding? Really, I can't believe anyone would presume to know another's financial situation.  Saying that you "don't buy" not being able to afford a gift at the time of the wedding is really narrowminded, Goldie.  Life happens sometimes.  I think it's better to send a nicer gift later than to stick $10 in a card now, if those are the options a guest has.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


    I think it is rude not to give a gift the day of the wedding... In your case, I would give a card saying, the gift will be sent next month or something like that with an apology.... 
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    The way I was raised if you get invited to shower or a wedding you give a gift.

    I think it's rude if you accepted the invitation. It is customary to give a gift, no monetary value on it, but there are plenty of items that you can give a couple that are not expensive if you can't afford to give money in a card.

    It is a very cheesy practice to not give a gift.  Do not accept the invitation if you plan not to.


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    If I can't afford a gift, I will decline the wedding. If I'm close to the person, then I would have saved up for the gift.

    I find it tacky to go to a wedding without money/gift. Just as tacky as asking for a gift.

    I think it's generally understood that you give gifts for weddings.
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    ichukhmanichukhman member
    First Comment
    edited June 2010

    To all who think not giving a gift is ok....



    I think you do not respect the couple if you go and not give them a gift... if you can't afford a gift at the time, you give a card with a note saying the gift will be sent later.. a month or whatever timeline you have. 

    Weddings are pricey and you should not go to a wedding if you can only afford a card.  You send a card only if you do not go.  If you are friends with the parents and not the kids getting married, then you send a card to the parents sending your congratulations....

     

    It angers me knowing that so many people do not think it’s RUDE to not give anything at all.  Do you realize how much per person weddings cost????????   I know that guests are not expected to reimburse for wedding cost, but to show that you respect the couple and their parents, is expected.

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    i don't think you MUST give a gift if you aren't attending the wedding. however, it would be nice if you acknowledge the invitation by sending a card (doesn't even need to be anything like gifts or gift cards). A car would really be appreciated. What we're encountering now is that there are still some people who don't acknoledge of the invitation. a couple of them are distant relatives that FFIL insisted on invisiting (while FMIL was against is cos she "hasn't talked or known name since she's married") cos he just got reconnected with them a couple of yeares ago from a family funeral. but FI and I don't know those people, so I wonder if they feel awkward that we even send them an invite so don't know what to do...
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_rude-not-give-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:9dfb28c5-ea7b-47ef-8689-a7910a0afab4Post:88c3505c-a9bb-4e0a-8ef4-93aec4477845">Re: Is it rude to not give a gift...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hate to sound like a witch, but I don't buy the whole "I can't afford it thing"  How many of us waste money on little things?  You have at least 6 weeks before the wedding to save money.  If you put aside $10 a week, that's $60.  That amount (or even less) should allow you to buy something off of the registry, something you think the couple might like, or give it in cash.   I kind of posted and ran, but i would not show up to a wedding without a gift
    Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

    I also agree-well said.....also well-said to alanna_redman.....

    I think that there are very few brides who would just invite someone to get a gift. These days, in this economy, everyone is trying to cut down their guest lists to save money, not invite random people just to get a gift. Its just too expensive per head to do that. I do think that if you are attending a wedding, one has to assume that you are going to support the couple in their venure into life, and that going without at least a small gift is incredibly rude, considering how much the couple has to spend to have you there. That being said, there are circumstances where maybe someone is coming a long distance where giving a gift is highly unnecessary because of the cost they went through just to be there. That means more than a gift. But I believe that other than certain circumstances such as that, I would never show up without something at least small. There is something within every budget for every person out there. I don't see anything wrong though, with giving a gift a month or a little longer after the reception if finances are tight. Personally, I would have to wonder if someone coming to my wedding is just coming for the food and open bar if they aren't showing up with even a small token-was it just a last minute decision, like "Oh yeah, I guess I will go".

    I think it is also the couples responsiblity to invite those who matter, and not just random people. I think that the people who love you and support the marriage will want to give something to show that love and support, even if it only cost them $20......I know I would want that couple to have something from me in their home to remind them that I believe in their marriage and I was there to support that.

    But thats just me.
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    No.  My father won't be giving us a gift.  He hasn't had a job since Christmas, so his presence on our big day will be gift enough.  It all depends on your ability to gift or not.  A card is always a good idea, gift or not.
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    edited June 2010
    Well, I have an acquaintance whose original wedding shower invite list was over 60 people long including grade school teachers and mechanics.  I know (I am friends with the person the bride asked to throw it since the MOH, the bride's sister, wasn't throwing her one) it was just in hopes of getting more gifts which I think I tacky, tacky, tacky.

    I personaly do not believe gifts are mandatory and would not be offended if one was not given at our wedding.  Though a card would be appreciated and I have made sure to put small items on our registry such as dish towels (pretty ones) so that they had some ideas if they did want to give something small.

    The definition of gift is something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.  To me, it is rude to expect a gift.

    But again, this is just my opinion.
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    Is it rude to ask in lieu/instead of the usual wedding gifts for a monetary gift not on the invite but on the wedding website??
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    I have always given a gift but had two different weddings this year that I did not, only because I was not attending. 1 was for an old roomate I haven't had a conversation with in almost 10 years, the other was for a distant cousin who I had never heard of. They were obvious 'gift me' invites

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    Yes it is rude!1 If you can't come to a wedding and were invited, you have up to a year from a couples wedding date to give a gift.


    To me there is no excuse for this and guests should give a gift or money based on what their budget prevails. Through the years and being raised, going to  lots of weddings and bridal showers you always give a gift whether you can attend or not.

    Unfortunately today people don't care or have a lack of respect for the married couple!!

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    It is totally rude!  Etiquette says when you go to a wedding, you should give a gift or money in the cost for you and the date to eat the meal.  I think it is just disgusting not to give a gift.
    EM
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    It is NOT rude to not send a gift if you do not attend the wedding.  A wedding invitation is not a bill.  However, some sort of acknowledgement is desirable; a note or card wishing the couple well is sufficient.  Of course, if you want to send a gift, it's a lovely thing to do.  If you attend the wedding and its festivities, a gift is customary but still not required.  According to Miss Manners, "When one values people enough to want to participate in occasions that are important to them, one is moved to express this emotion in some tangible form."  My wedding reception will be light afternoon snacks so I hope nobody worries about "covering their head".  My fiance and I just want our people around us for that day.  If some want to give us gifts, that's fine.  Weekends are precious to me and my friends so if my friends take up a Saturday afternoon to get dressed up and come to my wedding, that's good enough.

    KathyHM 
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    I compeltely agree that "a wedding invitation is not a bill". Weddings are a celebration for the happy couple, not the people they invite. Sure, there may be an expense involved in inviting you, but that's more of an honor to you than it is a request that you spend money on them. It's their special day and they want you there to celebrate with them. If anyone's counting gifts vs invites sent, it almost sounds like some sort of twisted wedding mafia or registry racketeering gig.

    I guess it seems, really, like it depends on the couple whether it's rude or not to not bring a gift. To some people it is apparently greatly offensive for people to be empty-handed, so I suppose it's just a matter of knowing the couple and whether it bothers you to offend them by not showing up/not bringing a gift/not sending a check. If they really are "close friends" I don't think it will matter at all. If not, then they might be digging for gold, as it were.
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    I was just reading to catch up on current ettiquette and trends, and the thing that amazes me is how many people think they are invited just to get a gift!  That honestly never occurred to me as we made our invite list.  We invited anyone we hoped would help us celebrate. Do some of those people assume we only want their gift/money?  How awful and embarrassing!!  :(

    Getting married 1 week from today!Laughing
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    Although I wouldn't go to a wedding and not give a gift, I don't think it's mandatory. 

    I do, however, feel that a card is necessary--it doesn't need to be expensive, hell, it can be handmade but I feel that the guest should acknowledge the bride and groom. Honestly, I was hurt by those who came to our wedding and didn't bring a card.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_rude-not-give-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:9dfb28c5-ea7b-47ef-8689-a7910a0afab4Post:c2d5c97c-08c3-4c14-b509-276fe2402abf">Re: Is it rude to not give a gift...</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you acknowledge the event a little later, that is fine.  If you are spending a lot (which $800 is) to attend a destination wedding, that is different.  But I do think going to someone's wedding and not acknowledging it with a gift is rude.  I wouldn't do it. Sorry if that upsets you. I know that many of FIs family attended a shower without giving a gift.  So, they arrived ate and drank for free.  They bought the mother nothing (it was a baby shower nothing). <strong>Meanwhile, about a week before the shower, one family member who claimed to have no money bought a brand new flat screen TV.</strong>  Wrong in my opinion.  
    Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

    <div>A shower is a gift giving party, if you're not going to give a gift, then don't come.  I hate people like that... last I checked nobody needs a big flat screen TV.</div><div>
    </div><div>I think it's good to give at least a card either before or at the wedding.  Otherwise people may wonder if you gave something and it got stolen (talk about awkwardness when writing thank yous!).  If it's a local wedding I try to cover at least the cost of my plate.  If I had to travel to get there, and those costs were high, I'll usually give a smaller present.  Same is true for when I am in a wedding.  If I just spent $100s of dollars to be in your wedding I can't usually afford to give you a large present, but will give something small.</div>
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    Jennylove, that is perfectly stated!!!  I always try to cover the expense of my being there...  Weddings are expensive and usually the couple pays for most of the bill these days!!!  Do you really want your friends starting out so far in the hole they can't get out just because they wanted to show everyone a fun time?!  If you can't attend the wedding, the gift can be smaller, but come on people, like the girl said, do we really want to be drinking, eating, and dancing all night on our friend's dimes??
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