Is it rude to not give a gift...

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_rude-not-give-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:9dfb28c5-ea7b-47ef-8689-a7910a0afab4Post:a316673e-ff2d-4ea4-83ff-afbb1fe7c4cf">Re: Is it rude to not give a gift...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it rude to not give a gift... : No, it doesn't upset me personally.  I am just aghast that you can say that a person can always afford a gift and to say that they can't is lying.  Which is exactly what you implied.  For the record, it isn't the expense of the DW that is an issue for us right now.  It's the other unexpected expenses that ate right through the money we had planned on using for a wedding gift. Well, a shower is a horse of a different color.  It is definitely rude to attend a shower without a gift, since the point of going to the shower is to give a gift.  I still don't think how others spend their money is your business and if the family member and declined to go to the shower and bought a TV that would have been fine.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Of course there are always special circumstances and emergencies do come up.  I guess I should have said that <strong>some</strong> people make excuses for not giving a gift.  I see nothing wrong with waiting a month or two if you have to.  <div>
</div><div>My point certainly wasn't that I know everyone's financial circumstances.  My main point was that you usually receive an invite with enough notice to determine whether or not you can afford to attend and give a gift.  And that I do think it is extremely rude to attend a wedding without sending a gift either before the wedding, at  the wedding, or shortly after.  That won't change for me.  </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

lorain4u2

i completely agree, its not the price its the thought.  i had a bunch of friends that didnt show up to my bridal shower because they couldnt afford a gift, and that hurt more then if they would have told me im sorry i  cant afford a gift and showed up anyway.

lorain4u2

see i think that is not entirely true either, cuz they have dollar stores and a few bucks there to get something to at least acknowledge the couple and thank them for spending the time and money to get everything for everyone isnt too much to ask.  so you cant afford the $50 plate set off the registry, go to the dollar store and get them something cute that represents them as a couple.

SparrowSong

I don't think gifts should be required or expected from people who travel (airfare and/or hotel costs) to attend a wedding. Though many guests will be happy to give a gift anyway.

I don't think gifts should be required or expected for 2nd or 3rd weddings from guests who already attended and gifted at a 1st wedding. Though many guests will be happy to give a gift anyway.

I do think gifts are an expected social norm but NOT required in most wedding situations. It's a gift. And while it may be considered impolite not to, bottom line is nobody has to give a gift. I think the entitlement coming from the other direction is tackier than a guest who doesn't gift (for whatever reason). Expecting nothing and being thankful for all you do receive can be a very refreshing perspective. 

Throwing a lavish wedding you can't really afford because you expect to recoop the expenditures head for head seems extremely risky to me. "All guests will cover the cost of their plate with a gift" is just not a realistic expectation, nor should it be.

quettia

I personally believe it is VERY RUDE to not bring a gift to someones wedding. If you think you're being invited just for a gift, then DON'T GO! But if your going to go eat, dance, and drink for FREE.....then bring a gift! That stuff is expensive!!

suga224

If you are attending the reception you should get a gift, even if it's small.  Otherwise I a card would be sufficient.

TaynPaige

Traditionally, by attending a wedding you are relieving yourself from the obligation of providing a gift. However those guests that don't attend are obligated to present a gift to the couple.

weddingyr

I think that if you cannot afford to give a gift, then you should decline attending the wedding.  You should never attend a wedding and not give a proper gift.  Not only is it inconsiderate of the couple getting married who have spent a lot of money on the meal and other expenses, but it is also bad etiquette.  I even give a gift if I am not attending a wedding by mailing a card with a monetary gift in the envelope as a thank you for being invited.  I am from a European background and it is customary to give a gift to cover the cost of the food as a minimum and if you can give more do so as well.  I think that if it you are invited to wedding and it is someone you are not close with and do not attend the wedding, then you can at least send a card and a giftcard or a small monetary gift.  IT IS VERY RUDE TO ATTEND A WEDDING AND NOT GIVE A GIFT, IF YOU CANNOT GIVE A GIFT, DON'T GO!!!

jaysbabe8385

i do believe it is rude not to give something. i mean dollar stores are pretty much ever where, a card at the minimum.

lanyemichelle

I'm hoping for lots of gifts, but would feel absolutely RUDE to ever invite someone just for the gifts, and my fiance' and I have NOTHING. I literally mean nothing. He goes to a military academy and I am in nursing school. When we get married we will have our vehicles, my bedding and my bedroom furniture. That is it. Neither one of us has anything to outfit a home with. Neither one of us owns any kind of silverware or china. We will start our home 14 days later at a strange Army post where we will know no one and we will be hours away from either of our families. I think in our case it would be rude not to send a gift, mainly because all of our family and friends are older and aren't struggling to make it like we will be. However, I will be grateful for every gift that I recieve because I know that we are going to need every single one!

ampoppe

A wedding is not about getting gifts its about celebrating with family and friends...people shouldn't expect gifts! they are just a nice bonus!  if you attend a wedding definetely bring a gift or if you feel that you are really close to someone and want to give them something even if you can't make it go for it.  I don't think you should be expected to give a gift just because you got an invite. but thats just me.....

fontassidy

If you're going to attend the wedding, you absolutely should bring a gift - even if you can only afford to give a card with $25 in it...they are spending a lot of time, effort and money to ensure you have a great night. You have to acknowledge that. I'm super poor and I always do at least that if I'm attending the wedding, and try to budget for something nicer if I can.

If you're not going to attend, I don't think you owe the couple anything! Bahaha, which might sound harsh but I think it's true. Your gift to them is saving them some catering costs, and as I start to look at budgeting for my own wedding, I can honestly say that that alone may be the *greatest* gift you can give. Of course, you should totally send a congratulatory card, because if you didn't, you'd just be a total jerk. If you can't even afford a card, write them a sweet letter. You don't have to give Hallmark $3 to let someone know you care.

KimE13

Wow, the sense of entitlement in these post replies is sickening. Not giving a gift is far less rude than expecting people to give you gifts.

To quote Miss Manners:

Wedding guests are expected to give presents, but the expected recipients (and their families) are wrong to expect them.

It is true that it is customary for wedding guests to be so moved by the occasion that they want to offer a tangible symbol of their pleasure. or want to be thought so. Or, if they really don't care, they should stay home.

At the same time, it is a violation of hospitality that is being offered to expect a return. One is supposed to be pleasantly surprised to receive any presents. And it is horrid to speak of guests as if they had run out on a restaurant without paying the bill.

So there you go: yes, as a guest you should give presents, but under no circumstances as a host are you entitled to expect them. 

This is not a quid pro quo situation. In theory, you have invited these people to your wedding to share your joy, not because they will pay you back by buying a wedding gift that pays for their meal.

If you are worried about not having enough stuff, cut down on your wedding costs and buy it for yourself. If you want me to be there to celebrate with you, invite me, and I will probably be so excited for you as to buy you something.

hec730

I think it is rude not to give a gift.  If cost is a really big issue you should at least bring a card.  Many people put a wide array of gifts on their registries to fit the budget of all of their guests.

carleyraine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_rude-not-give-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:9dfb28c5-ea7b-47ef-8689-a7910a0afab4Post:262d4a38-4d09-40ed-a5d2-30bf0d66dfbe">Re: Is it rude to not give a gift...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's so rude not to bring a gift! Even if you can't afford a huge donation or expensive gift, you should give something! With the costs of weddings these days it's silly to think anyone is inviting you "just to get a gift." If that's the way you feel, think it over...could the couple's parents be insiting you come? Did you invite them to your wedding then drift apart? People feel compelled to invite their guests for a myriad of reasons, gift-grabbing is rarely the case. I also think it's important to send a gift if you didn't attend the wedding. These are the standards to which I hold myself, and in my Italian culture it's common practice. I recognise every culture has its own customs, but I think it's just common courtesy. Also...sorry, but "just sending a card" doesn't cut it. 
Posted by alanna_redman[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with it being outrageously silly to think the B&G are inviting you specifically for a gift. Not only have I seen some truly horrendous wedding gifts but weddings are waaaay too expensive for that game of chance.

If you think someone has invited you "just for a gift", do them a favour, and please don't attend - keep yourself and negativity at home.

heathermi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_rude-not-give-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:9dfb28c5-ea7b-47ef-8689-a7910a0afab4Post:d96638c5-bbc3-4aaa-9470-360fbd4677b1">Re: Is it rude to not give a gift...</a>:
[QUOTE]I say, if you don't want to give a gift, don't go to the wedding. But still send a card regardless. At least that way, you'd be classy about it.
Posted by SolaraAsh24[/QUOTE]

i strongly agree with this one...weddings are expensive and it costs the couple a lot of money to invite you, where they could have invited someone else or had fewer people and saved some money.  If you are going to attend, you should bring SOME sort of gift however small if you can't afford much.  If you really dont want to buy them a gift, then dont attend at all.

The only exceptions I would say, to not fall in the "rude" category, would be if a really close relative/friend just generally could not afford anything or already spent a lot of money to come to our wedding (travel costs etc). But personally, I have been pretty hard off financially in the past when attending people's weddings (or been in people's weddings) and still managed to get some sort of gift, so your excuse would have to be pretty darn good to fly. =)

melanie.smith57

I believe "it is rude" not to give a gift. I come from a very large family with lots of cousins and we are all very close. However when there is an event such as a wedding or graduation or whatever there are several cousins that continuously attend these functions without a card or gift!
Being a host of such a function you would know and understand how EXPENSIVE it is to pay to feed and decorate and give favors to all who attend. You are entertaining them for the day or evening and you go to such lengths to make sure they have a great time. Surely if they can make it to your event they can be courteous enough to bring a gift. That is proper etiquette.
Unfortunately now when I invite these particular family members to events its with the knowledge that they will be attending the function as a Freeloader.

                                   ......Dont even get me started on R.S.V.P.'s!
                                                               

Meg1979

If you are attending the wedding, yes I think you should give a gift.  If it were me, I would appreciate even something handmade (my BMs are crafty girls) if you are so inclined.  Even though the couple is probably thrilled you can be there to witness the wedding they are putting out a lot of money to entertain and feed you.  If you are out-of-town, you don't know them that well, they are not your most favorite person...whatever...you should send a card. 

I had the same problem.  A girlfriend of mine recently had a very short engagement for her second marriage (baby on the way) and I didn't send her anything.  She's due next month so I plan on sending her a baby gift and a big brother gift for her son.  I think people understand.  This is a tough economy.

i2foundu

I never thought about it really. I don't believe that getting an invitation means that you must give a gift. There are certain family members that will most likely send one, but I don't think an invitation should mean that that have to recipricate with a gift. If they choose to do so then I would think that it would be a smaller gift then if they were coming. I did decide not to send an invitation to a friend of the family because I felt that he would interpert it as a "please send a gift." I knew that this person would not attend. I do not expect a gift to those who I wish to come, but can't!

In some of the ettiquite I've looked at has brought be to believe that if I attend a wedding that my gift should reflect the cost the bride and groom have spent on my guest(s) and I to attend the wedding. Some people believe a wedding is the perfect time to get obliterated, my suggestion to them, after reading some ettiquette, was to make sure their gift reflected the cost of their attendence at the wedding. My exceptions will be to stay within my private budget and if I have extra I will share extra.

I will have to add after reading a few more post, that I do not want my guest to feel if they have to spend a fortune on gifts. I also think that some of the older customs of guest not bringing gifts or brides expecting gifts, but excited to recieve them are older customs for old reasons. Weddings used to be smaller. They used to be a simple show of a couples love, but now they are like birthday parties. They are a party where a couple is starting their life together and want to celebrate. I know for b-day parties I always bring a gift. It might be handmade. It might be purchased as a buy one get one free item and I have given the "free" item. I also do expect my guest to use their own budget and their own rescources in "purchasing" the give. My sister is queen of coupon and deal shopping and my guest can be too. This is the best chance to get more and spending less. If everyone uses their 20% off at B&B... if they gain gift cards by using their own credit card points to purchase... great what do I care. Gifts do not have to mean "spend" $100 on me... Please go garage sale shopping fine like new items... go to the Salvation army, but you can bring a gift to a wedding that has value.

shoegal715

I'm weird. If I truly didn't have at least $200 for myself and my fiance to attend a wedding, I would decline. However, at the same time I would be so crushed if a family member or friend did not come to my wedding only because they couldn't afford it.

If I don't receive any gifts at my wedding, I don't think I would give it a second thought. Again however, I always give a gift and would feel extremely uncomfortable not giving one.

NatalieO83

Yes. It is ABSOLUTLY rude. If I was unable to give a gift then I would not be attending the wedding. If you can't pay for dinner do you still go out to a restaurant to eat?!?!? NO WAY! Unless you are SUPER close with the bride and groom and they know your financial situation and insist you come to the wedding and not give a gift, then I would simply not go.

I know that's kinda harsh, but it's etiquette!!!