Melt-down

sperbunki

I spent the morning melting down crayons with my 7 year old daughter, but it's ironic because planning this wedding is making me soooo stressed out - and I can't figure out why.

When I was single always said I wanted a 2nd wedding somewhere with just him and me and nobody else; well, maybe the kids - but after meeting the man of my dreams and waking up every single day feeling like I hit the lottery or as if it were Christmas I find myself planning a 2nd wedding which isn't much unlike the first. The only thing I can come up with is that I never thought I would feel this way - and I certainly never thought I would find someone who would come into my life and it would feel like he was always there - that he would love my son and daughter as if they were his own - seriously, it's scary wonderful. I never feel like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, and I never feel like "it's just a matter of time" ...instead I really see us growing old together and every single day we tell one another how much we love each other and how we will do our very best to love one another for forever (this time). It is a bit easier since it's a 2nd wedding for us both - so at least the scales are even. We are even counting the days until we can have a child together!  Then why am I struggling?

My first wedding was on the West Coast. I had my parents, sister, brother, 2 girlfreinds that flew out from the East Coast and the rest was his friends and family. I gues there is this huge part of me that regrets not having my family and friends on my wedding day the first time around and finally I will (this time). Then why do I still feel overwhelmed and like I'm melting down. The wedding is bigger cost-wise than I wanted and it just seems like every decision is so daunting. I never ever had this the first time around. I can't even committ to colors! Something so simple. Even my dress was a struggle. I bought one that was simple and 2nd-wedding-ish but I wasn't REALLY happy. So I returned it and bought the dress that I really wanted the first time around.

My God I'm rambling! Ugh. I just don't know how to move forward without feeling so overwhelmed like I'm going to have a melt-down.

How can I get OVER this feeling. It is NOT the groom - it's the planning and maybe even the guilt of "why am I doing this - AGAIN?" and I keep saying  - well why should my "wedding" be remembered as the one that ended in divorce? Why wouldn't I want this special day with the one that I know within my heart of hearts it's just right.

It's 10:39 - is it too early for a drink? LOL

April

MikesAngie

April (that's my baby sister's name), you're not alone in feeling the way that you do. Remember this though - this is your FIRST wedding with your FI and it deserves to be celebrated.

I would strongly suggest that you read the "It's Normal" sticky .

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_melt-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:0a2e8a83-bf39-4ca1-87e5-87239045a6caPost:d6d6adac-0e52-409a-8b43-17484f445ac8">Re: Melt-down</a>:
[QUOTE]April (that's my baby sister's name), you're not alone in feeling the way that you do. <strong>Remember this though - this is your FIRST wedding with your FI and it deserves to be celebrated. I would strongly suggest that you read the "It's Normal" sticky .
</strong>Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]

All of this.

right1thistime

Part of what you are going through is maturity.  Really - what matters to you is that at the end of your wedding day, you will be married to the man you belong with.  Which is why so much of this seems like it just doesn't matter.  As Retread advised, there are so many things that are not a requirement.  I had no clue what "colors" we wanted for our wedding.  Because it wasn't a pageant.  We chose the colors based on the napkins in our venue when we went to look at it.  (Found out later they rented linens anyway to match your color scheme.)  Chose the attendants who were our nearest and dearest.  Chose our DJ by price & recommendations.  Chose our flowers by recommendations and because we loved the work he showed us. Chose our officiant from family.  I chose my dress based on the look on my BFF & DD's face when I tried it on.  They chose their own dresses.
We spent way more money than we originally planned to spend (about 50% over our original budget), but that is every penny we laid out, including lodging for everyone, jewelry & honeymoon. And we spent only what we could afford. By the end we took turns saying, "Its only money!"   

We had a glorious wedding (in our eyes), but it was a one day party.  We wouldn't have had it any other way. You deserve to celebrate this wonderful love (it really shines through what you have written!) and to not hold back because you walked this path before. I like your line about not accepting that the one wedding you got be for the marriage that ended in divorce- I may use that! ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin

You deserve to celebrate this wonderful love (it really shines through what you have written!) and to not hold back because you walked this path before.

I was going to say the same thing Donna said..........it's obvious how you feel about this guy, and vice versa!

Don't buy into the "wedding madness" too much. Pretend you are planning the BEST PARTY YOU HAVE EVER THROWN!!!! That's what I did. I love planning parties. I'm glad you went back and got the dress you really wanted too....... that's important for your state of mind.

It is really hard to plan something that you value so much, want to celebrate, while taking care of a family too. I totally get that. I spent 18 months planning our wedding for just 80 people..........not because it was involved or a lot of trouble. It's because I knew I'd be planning around life events my kids had.......school, vacations, soccer practice, soccer games, my son's graduation in Washington DC this past May, yada, yada, yada. Not to mention my job and work related trips.

IF you can afford, I'd highly recommend getting at the minimum a "Day of wedding" coordinator. A wedding "planner" is a lot of money, but if you have someone to just work on whatever you need them to work on the day of the wedding, whether it is set up, arranging your vendors, etc, it is really helpful. I saved all the money I could by doing a lot of DIY stuff, but needed the day of coordinator just to get it all set up, plus working with the caterer, etc, to make sure things flowed.

Give yourself time to breathe, understand you can take as long as you want to make decisions, and don't be daunted by the decisions. Just make them. Don't rethink stuff. And for your own sanity, once you make a decision STOP LOOKING AT STUFF ON THE INTERNET that revolves around decisions already made. It will make you insane with indecision.

Good luck. The ladies on this board are an invaluable source of wisdom and fun. You can always ask for input.

handfast4me

And then there's me.  :-)  I'm on the other side of the spectrum.  I have a fairly high stress job.  The last thing I need is more stress.  Also, DH (then FI) is an extreme introvert.  We talked about the type of wedding and celebration we wanted.  And finally he just said to me:  I want us to get married on the beach.   I knew I wanted a fairly private ceremony. And when we wrote out our ceremony, it was obvious that these were not things that we wanted to say in front of other people.  This was our ritual, and we needed privacy.  We checked with my grown daugher, my sisters, and his mom, and everybody was perfectly fine with not being there; they were mature enough to know that they just wanted us happy, that they didn't need to be there, because this wasn't about THEM, it was about US.

So, that left a bunch of stress out.  However, don't feel like even if you do it this way it won't be stress free. I couldn't find a dress I loved, but I did find one that he loved on me. I never found a necklace, so I ended up having the arm band (see the photo in my siggy) to go with my grecian inspired dress.  

But again, all that is just STUFF.  The real thing, to me, was the marriage AFTER, and the ritual itself, because I love ritual, it makes me feel safe and secure knowing what's coming next--it's how I can begin my meditation, and my marriage.

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_melt-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:0a2e8a83-bf39-4ca1-87e5-87239045a6caPost:90a9b44c-ad25-4ab8-9ebb-ea25f9686f06">Re: Melt-down</a>:
[QUOTE]And then there's me.  :-)  I'm on the other side of the spectrum.  I have a fairly high stress job.  The last thing I need is more stress.  Also, DH (then FI) is an extreme introvert.  We talked about the type of wedding and celebration we wanted.  And finally he just said to me:  I want us to get married on the beach.   I knew I wanted a fairly private ceremony. And when we wrote out our ceremony, it was obvious that these were not things that we wanted to say in front of other people.  This was our ritual, and we needed privacy.  We checked with my grown daugher, my sisters, and his mom, and everybody was perfectly fine with not being there; they were mature enough to know that they just wanted us happy, that they didn't need to be there, because this wasn't about THEM, it was about US. So, that left a bunch of stress out.  However, don't feel like even if you do it this way it won't be stress free. I couldn't find a dress I loved, but I did find one that he loved on me. I never found a necklace, so I ended up having the arm band (see the photo in my siggy) to go with my grecian inspired dress.   <strong>But again, all that is just STUFF.  The real thing, to me, was the marriage AFTER,</strong> and the ritual itself, because I love ritual, it makes me feel safe and secure knowing what's coming next--it's how I can begin my meditation, and my marriage.
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

This.  I know that no matter what happens that day - weather, flaky friends, whatever, FI and I will be married.  THAT is what matters.

run262131

Amen to the post directly above My sweet FI and I have (its a second marrriage for us both)  5 children, 4 dogs, 4 cats, high stress jobs, and I am in the last two semesters of grad school. IT IS way way easy to get all crazed and stressed. I swear I have an eyeball twitch on occasion. Someone said to treat this like its the biggest party of your life and I think that is the best advice I have read thus far. Also, I very much agree that once you have made a decision go with it.  Who has time to switch stuff around and/or the money? Do what works, whats smart and most of all, whatever celebrates the love you share.

 If you are anything like most of us second time arounders; you likely have had a lot of heartache and kissed a few frogs. So NOW is the time to HAVE FUN and ENJOY IT Congrats and best wishes