Doing it the "right" way?

Knottie_22382207

My name is Elizabeth and this is only my second post I posted an intro on 'newly engaged'. This will be my second wedding, his first. I previously eloped with my first husband and had 2 children. That was the way we wanted to go at the time.
However, now that I'm engaged again both my fl and I would like to have a big extravagant wedding. We hired a coordinator and are planning a big event.
My problem is my family, whom I love dearly, keep commenting "thank God you're doing it the right way this time" and such things along those lines.
I never thought I did anything the 'wrong' way the first time!
So I was wondering if anyone else had similar experiences? And if so how did you deal with it? Thanks!

elizabetheleven

My name is Elizabeth and this is only my second post I posted an intro on 'newly engaged'. This will be my second wedding, his first. I previously eloped with my first husband and had 2 children. That was the way we wanted to go at the time. However, now that I'm engaged again both my fl and I would like to have a big extravagant wedding. We hired a coordinator and are planning a big event. My problem is my family, whom I love dearly, keep commenting "thank God you're doing it the right way this time" and such things along those lines. I never thought I did anything the 'wrong' way the first time! So I was wondering if anyone else had similar experiences? And if so how did you deal with it? Thanks!</~root~>

right1thistime

I think we spend too much time worrying about what people think & say.  So many SW brides post complaining because loved ones are not happy that they are doing what you are doing!

My opinion is that if the two of you are happy with your choices, be happy & ignore everyone else. 

If you absolutely must correct them, you could simply say, "what I did the first time was right for xH and I at the time.  This is what is right for Fi and I now."  and then pointedly change the subject.  Retread calls this the bean dip strategy.  As in, "...this bean dip is marvelous, don't you think?"  ~Donna

radleyboo

Ditto Donna. 

anssett

It's is rude and mean of them to judge your previous choices or make comparisons. I love Donna's snarky suggestion. I'd totally say something similar. For me it's not the wedding stuff it's the guy choice. My ex and I are GREAT friends. Not common but I'm so happy that's how it turned out. My father, however, hates him and won't stop making comments about how FI is a great guy but my ex is an asshole, etc etc. That pisses me off and I won't put up with it. I am the reason I am divorced. Not some greater power of the universe and evil ex. Sheesh. I just have to stand my ground as kindly as I can.

Knottie_22382207

Thanks girls! I do try to just ignore it but It's like, wait... no one ever said they had a problem with it til now! and I like that comment Donna lol My family, especially my father, really dislike my ex however I'm still good friends with him. we have children together so I believe its important to get along. They know not to ever speak badly about him in front of the kids though...I defiantly put my foot down when it comes to that! Thanks again, It really is great to be around others who know what you're going through when it comes to a second marriage.

MuppetOverlord

Welcome Elizabeth, and congrats!

People don't think about what comes out of their mouth.  They think they're being positive because they're encouraging what you're doing but they don't realize they're invalidating parts of your life. Signifcant parts that gave you your children!

I've had similar experiences Anssett! People randomly say something nasty about my ex as a way to make an unecessary comparison to FI. I shouldn't have married him for all the reasons I divorced im, but he's not a bad guy and doesn't deserve the comments.

Now, the comments I get (either directly or indirectly via my mother) are regarding FI's disability. He uses a wheelchair and crutches.  People seem to think I'm not aware that we have obstacles, that we haven't adapted to them already, and that it's their business to point them out. What I hate the most is that people automatically assume he can't have kids (or sex) which is not true AT ALL.

My mom says that they're just showing concern. I say that they can show respect. 

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_doing-it-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:197e417b-1093-4723-aab8-e519473b44cfPost:66ffc35f-710f-4c73-b488-5811fd650adf">Re: Doing it the</a>:
[QUOTE] What I hate the most is that people automatically assume he can't have kids (or sex) which is not true AT ALL. My mom says that they're just showing concern. I say that they can show respect. 
Posted by BritniLeigh[/QUOTE]

I think mostly people are curious about differently abled people's options as far as sex is concerned, and don't want to ask to find out, so they voice assumptions in hopes that you will provide details.  A devilish grin and a simple, "no problems in that department!"  should shut them up. 

jchollaway

First of all, there is no "right' or "wrong" way. And even if there were, it wouldn't matter. 

My first wedding was in a church, with 6 bridesmaids and groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearer, singers, 2 receptions, all of the traditional ceremonies. The marriage was miserable for me and ended in divorce. But the important thing is that I got married "the right way," right??? NOPE!

This time it's better and it's for real. We are having a very small private ceremony, and we are skipping a lot of traditions. I don't care what people think this time. Because this marriage will last, and that's what matters.