My second, his first, how to decline getting thrown a shower :/

eomohundro

FI and I are having a small wedding with immediate family and close friends in March. I am concerned that FI's extended family might want to throw a shower b/c this is his first wedding... and the ladies in his family can be a little pushy and may not understand that (IMO, and I believe this is the typical rule...) people invited to a shower must be invited to the wedding itself.
The problems associated with a shower are numerous:

1) The last shower I attended associated with FI's family was 40 people - ladies only. The guest list for our wedding isn't even 80 people... and having to  invite everyone that attends the shower and their SIs would break the budget immeasureably.

2) We haven't registered and didn't plan on it. A shower begets a registry... right? We don't really need anything for our home.

3) I had three showers for my last wedding... and they just aren't my thing then, either.
I'm not 100% sure someone will offer to throw me a shower... but I have a feeling of dread.
Do I nip it in the bud and tell FMIL the dilemma so she can attempt diversion tactics on her family? Or do I wait until it comes up...?
Thanks!

prodigalgirl

If you're close to FMIL and she understands the financial restrictions of your wedding, then definitely try to have her help divert offers as much as possible.

If people offer to throw a shower, just say, "Thank you so much for the offer.  What a sweet thing to do!  Unfortunately, we are just unable to accept any offers for showers.  I'll be sure to let you know if that changes."

If they keep insisting, just say, "No, but thank you."  Eventually, they'll quit asking.

MikesAngie

You could also politely just say "showers aren't my favorite thing and I would hate to put you through all that trouble when I won't really enjoy it".   Or offer another way to get together to "celebrate" your upcoming wedding.

arv266

Thank you so much for your offer, but we would rather not have one.  Then a big smile and change the subject.

I didn't feel comfortable either, and when asked, I let my family know that I was so grateful for the offer, but didnt feel comfortable with it.

melissamc2

I declined three showers this time around.  Not because I don't like them, and not because I don't feel they are appropriate, but because they were going to be relatively close to the wedding and I didn't want to put a financial strain on family and friends because, regardless of what anyone says, people generally take gifts to showers AND weddings and I just didn't want to put that kind of pressure on people.

I was very upfront with everyone who offered as to my reasons.  They got together, compromised, and are treating me to a day at the spa the day before the wedding.  That I did not turn down, because it was only a handful of people who did it of their own accord, rather than out of being invited and feeling obligated.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_second-his-first-decline-getting-thrown-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:19fd6c7a-043e-4660-a7d6-6c2916212803Post:170408fa-c0f4-4fe1-a357-de2b13cf9bb2">Re: My second, his first, how to decline getting thrown a shower :/</a>:
[QUOTE]  They got together, compromised, and <strong>are treating me to a day at the spa the day before the wedding.</strong>  That I did not turn down, because it was only a handful of people who did it of their own accord, rather than out of being invited and feeling obligated. ;)
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

Ooooo ... spa day!  That is SO nice.  I'm sure you will really enjoy it! 

Trifury2007

I was very up front with my mother and sister about this.  I flat out said to them that I did not want a shower.  We have that kind of relationship though.  If you have that kind of relationship with your family I would say just flat out tell them you don't want a shower.  My H is 1 of 3 boys and his SILs have been married a long time to his brothers and I think that is why the issue never came up for his side of the family.

lynniearudner

i definitely think you can talk to FMIL if you are close. 

we had somewhat of the same problem, wherein we couldnt invite "the entire family" to our wedding. 

IMO, FMIL made a good compromise -- she had an "open house" BBQ at her home (last month, so 2 months before the wedding) and invited anyone she wanted to "introduce her new daughter in law and family" (my parents attended too)

these people KNEW that they were not invited to the wedding. presents were certainly NOT suggested, though no one specifically said "no gifts" and a few people brought gifts. 

overall, it worked out well. FMIL got what she wanted, the "ladies" on that side of the family were able to celebrate without making a huge fuss, and i think everyone was happy. 

nabrighteyes

I kindly decline quietly to my Matron of honor explaining to her that I have done this before and still have tags on gifts from the first time around.  I don't feel that there is anything wrong with contacting the host(s) of these events and quietly denying your showers. Plus, most of the people on my guest list were on my guest list the first time around and that didn't feel right from any angle to me.

Marrin713

You better start putting the word out that you don't want a shower.  There's always the "surprise" shower.

Ticosparents

Great question.  \