Second Weddings

*Deleted*

How do I ask the ex wife for the kids sizes for wedding attire without it sounding like i'm rubbing her face in it?

Re: *Deleted*

  • kimp67kimp67 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Does he have a custody arrangement?  I would think if he does there's nothing she could do. 
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  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I didn't vote because I peeked at your bio and see that your wedding is not scheduled until June 2012. A LOT can happen before then. I'm assuming you will see the kids, and have much communication with the ex before you have to decide how to handle this. Also, kids grow a LOT in over 20 months, and knowing their sizes anything more than about 4 months beforehand would not help.

    ( I insisted, they need to feel included). This comment concerns me. You may not have meant it as strongly as you worded it, but how/whether the kids are included should be a mutual decision with your fiance. As a mom, I agree they need to feel included, but how that happens, and what their ages are, matters. It sounds as though the ex is pretty difficult, but as I said, as time goes on, things may change.

    Rather than gearing up for a fight so soon, if I were you, I'd probably put this way on the back burner until about 6-8 months beforehand. That way, if legal action is needed, you'll have enough time. There are so many other things to worry about in planning a wedding, that adding this emotional baggage to the equation too early will just stress you out more. Just my opinion.

    Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    I didn't vote either, because the two choices were too narrow.  I reacted the same way as Sue did to your wording - and with two years to go- I would hate to see the kids in the midst of that battle for that amount of time. 

    When the time comes (a time frame that you and Fi agree upon, that is the time frame you want to have the kids know about the wedding - not before AND a time frame that allows enough time to battle this out in the courts if necessary).  If I did vote - I would vote to tell her and expect a battle.  Her past behavior predicts the future, and while you may be pleasantly surprised about her reaction- I would never count on it.

    Finally - the very best way to to handle this is to use your custody agreement to decide your wedding date.  If he gets the kids at X interval, plan the wedding to fall during that time.  It is much harder to convince a judge to give you the children beyond the current agreement or to adjust the schedule than it is to enforce a previously decided upon schedule.  ~Donna
  • BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_honesty-diplomacy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:2e6e46e6-8195-4ebd-bb43-937bd924d281Post:37209395-a4e6-4794-adf4-45826c94a1fb">Honesty or diplomacy?</a>:
    [QUOTE] We know that once they go back to her they will talk about the wedding and she'll freak then but it seems like her screaming and bitching afterward will be worth having the kids in the wedding. Any advice? 
    Posted by jelubchenkoklevens[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Please listen to the great advice you've been given.  I'm only checking in to say that this part (above) really concerns me as well.  This 'screaming and bitching' will also be directed at these children who will have been told by their father to do something that their mother interprets as a betrayal. They'll be ambushed on their return to their mother, and will have been set up by you two.  This is a horrible thing to do to them.  You can't use them to shield yourselves from her reaction.  This is also guaranteed to make the ex more antagonistic and difficult.</div><div>
    </div><div>Even if the ex is actually completely unreasonable, it doesn't matter.  How much you think you are right doesn't matter.  What matters is that these children will be subjected to her 'freak out' because it's easier that way for you. It's wrong of you to put them at risk for that. </div><div>
    </div><div>If you honestly don't see how damaging all of this is to the kids you're not ready to be a step-parent, and need to do a lot of growing up before the wedding. Their emotional safety must be the most important consideration in whether they're in the wedding, not your 'vision', or desire to have them present. There's no need to do anything yet except find out what your FIs custody arrangement is so you can sort out what to do when the time comes to actually make plans about this WITH the cooperation of the ex.</div><div>
    </div><div>BTW, diplomacy is figuring out how to bring about a collectively agreed upon solution.  Which is what you need to do.  Pulling a fast one on the ex is lying.

    </div>
  • edited December 2011
    She was a pain in his ass before we got together but as soon as we started dating and she found out I was 5 years younger, better educated and had my career already she flipped her lid.

    Do you have any idea how incredibly vain your words paint you to be?  Could she just be bitter for the sake of it, and not handling her X moving on? 

    My advice is that you realize that for how ever you feel about this woman, you recognize that as the mother of your FI's children, she will be in your life.  You don't have to like her, but its important that you respect her, and learn to coexist. Not for you, but for your step children.  As PP stated, having the kids tell her, and then having to bear the brunt of her frustration is not the way to go. 

    Find out what your FI's custody schedule is, and plan your wedding around that time.  When the kids are with the two of you, take the kids shopping.  
  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    What I read:  "I think I'm better than his ex and am going to trash her on a message board and hope they just take my side and tell me what I want to hear without looking any further into it."


    My guess is that there are about a dozen and three variables in this story that we aren't getting in order to make an educated vote on the matter.

    A couple of the custody/visitation issues you've described don't make sense in a standard agreement. 

    In the end, however, starting anything out based on lies is the wrong way to handle it and it is even worse when you are putting children in the middle of it.

    10-10-10
  • kimp67kimp67 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    After reading the other pps & knowing your wedding date I have to agree with what they said.  Let it go for awhile. 
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  • vb0000vb0000 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If it's going to put the kids in the middle, get them yelled at, and make even more stress for them, they may end up ultimately resenting your wedding and your marriage. I would not plan on them being in the wedding unless they ask to be in it, and just know that you will reap the rewards of having a better relationship with them later. I know this is hard to do, believe me, my FI has 4 teenage boys that I would love to be standing up right beside him at the alter, showing "solidarity". But I don't want to have them in the wedding if it's going to put them in a weird place with their mom. Kids get resentful REAL easy and I don't want to start off this marriage with 4 resentful teenagers staring at me from the alter as I walk down the isle! So we are just going to wait until the very last minute to decide and if it doesn't seem like a good idea then we just won't do it and have one of his friends be the best man.
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