His 1st My 2nd, who pays?

mcintoshms

His family is modern with traditional beliefs about weddings. FFIL said "The Grooms parents pay for the rehersal dinner." Hmm...we're not having one. My Fiance assumed that my parents would pay for everything, because that's what he was raised to believe. This will be my second marriage. I don't feel comfortable asking my parents to pay for anything; however if they offered to help, I would probably accept. We're having a very small (35 pp total) wedding with intimate dinner after AND a "party" reception (200 ish pp) the next day. I have been saving/budgeting as if we are going to pay for everything.
So here's my question: Since my FIL expect (and are quite happy) to pay for a rehearsal dinner, would it be appropriate to ask/suggest that they cover the dinner the day of the wedding instead?

arv266

To answer your question.... No, it is not appropriate to do this.  You cannot assume that becuase your FIL will pay (and this is speculation) for your RD that they will want to pay for the wedding dinner.  It is rude to do so.  Continue to save and budget to pay for the entire wedding. 

I do have a question... Why are you having such a big party ("reception") the day after the wedding?

AdelphiTN

I think you'll see that most people here on the second weddings board paid for their weddings themselves (bride and groom). For some, their parents have contributed in some way.

This conversation starts with FI. You have to be very open. Tell Fi that times have changed PLUS you are not havng a traditional wedding, so some of those old traditions are out the window. Tell him too, that you are not comfortable asking your parents to pay... that this wedding is for the two of you... you are not the young bride being given away.

It was also my first, FI's second. In my case, FI and I paid for everything wedding related. We set a budget and then we divided up what we paid (for our own convenience, meaning i paid for stuff i had to shop for, he paid for stuff he just had to write a check for, lol). My family contributed DIY skills on cake and flowers, and did a great deal to care for my kids and help me throughout the whole planning process.  His mom hosted a dinner earlier in the week (not a rehearsal), and his dad hosted a day-after lunch.

If I were you, I'd still plan on paying. If your family offers to contribute, you can graciously accept, but i wouldn't ask.

Then the two of you tell FI's family the plans that you have so far. And that you appreciate the generous offer of hosting a rehearsal dinner, but that you aren't having a rehearsal.  Frankly, i'd toss in there "i'm not sure if we want a dinner the night before, since it's would be the exact same 35 people having dinner after the wedding. But if you'd like to host something, that's very sweet and I'm sure we could come up with some good ideas."   See if they offer!

nabrighteyes

I paid for the entire wedding without hubby's help!  My inlaws paid for $150 towards the Meet & Greet we had for all of our guests. 

And No, I do not feel that it is appropriate to ask your inlaws for a contribution.  Second wedding is usually on the bride (that is how I was raised). Best advice: budget your money and invite what you can afford. 

mcintoshms

Wow! Such quick responses. Thank you.
A multi-layered answer to  "Why are you having such a big party ("reception") the day after the wedding?"
We've both been to weddings/receptions where the bride and groom seem frazelled (sp) and quite frankly tired and hungry. Also, everyone seems to gravitate to the people they know.
Our wedding venue is inside a National Park ($20 per car entrance fee) and has a 45 person max capacity. So wedding is on a Friday evening, at a beautiful historic hotel in the park. All guests to the wedding will stay at the hotel; think mountain destination wedding. We want those that are closest to us to have the opportunity to spend quiet time getting to know each other over dinner, drinks, and breakfast the next morning.
The reception will be the next day, in the area but outside the park. Guests will include college buddies, coworkers, cousins-4 times removed and +ones that we enjoy their company; think weekend bar-b-que. The venue is a hotel/resort and is close enough to home for most guests to go home afterward instead of enduring the cost of a room.

MikesAngie

Sounds like you are having an intimate family ceremony and a reception the day after. Congratulations! And welcome to the board!

Since this is your second and you are not having a rehearsal dinner the cost of the wedding is your's and your FI's . 

We're paying for our wedding, but my FIL's are paying a specified amount toward the bar (this was announced just before our engagement), and we need a rehearsal because of the unique way we are entering the ceremony site and they are offering to host that dinner as well.  We did not ask, and they have been very generous to offer since this is a second wedding for my FI and a second marriage for me... 
Our love story is long and for another time suffice to say we have known one another since we were 15.

right1thistime

I would think the "intimate dinner" would cover that Retread. 

melissamc2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_his-1st-2nd-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:2f5beaa9-272a-4577-a32e-85d53a58a27ePost:456cdc56-b045-48d2-995b-bb3cdbf8fb9f">Re: His 1st My 2nd, who pays?</a>:
[QUOTE]I paid for the entire wedding without hubby's help!  My inlaws paid for $150 towards the Meet & Greet we had for all of our guests.  And No, I do not feel that it is appropriate to ask your inlaws for a contribution. <strong> Second wedding is usually on the bride</strong> (that is how I was raised). Best advice: budget your money and invite what you can afford. 
Posted by nabrighteyes[/QUOTE]

That is honestly the first time I have ever heard that in my life.

Second weddings on the COUPLE, yes, absolutely (of course, I believe all weddings should be at the couple's expesne), but never just the sole responsibility of the bride. Is it a cultural or regional tradition where you are?

hccpsu

IMO, any wedding, first, second or otherwise, is ALWAYS on the couple.  If you get an offer of help from the families, fine, but it's no one's responsiblity other than the two people getting married.

thealphabride

Welcome to the board!
To answer your question, no it is not appropriate. He offered to pay for the RD, feeling that it was his responsibility toward the wedding to pay for this.

Everyone was raised with a viewpoint of who pays for a wedding.

You need to do what works for YOU and your FI. It starts with sitting down and having a "heart to heart" with him. It sounds like you are budgeting and planning as if you are paying, but I didn't get the impression from your post that your FI is included in this plan (you have) since he assumed your parents were paying for your wedding.

We paid for our entire wedding. I paid about 2/3 and the fiance paid 1/3. I wanted the bigger affair therefore offered to pay for the majority of it.

This was my second "wedding/marriage" the first was in the courthouse. So in my mind and that of family and friends this was my first wedding. All of that doesn't matter though because I am middle aged and wouldn't think of asking anyone to help pay for any aspect of my wedding.

Good Luck, let us know how everything shakes out.

mcintoshms

Thank you Everyone for your info. My FI and I will be having a "heart to heart" in a few days (we don't currently live in the same town). I just want to say that I wasn't expecting anyone, besides the two of us, to pay for anything. I was married before and our parents offered to pay for different things. Unfortunately, the things they paid for (and insisted were needed) were things that we didn't want, i.e. grooms cake, wedding night at a hotel we didn't like, gaudy wedding favors, etc. We were young and didn't know how to say "no thank you", so we ended up with stuff/memories that were less than desirable. I'm trying to avoid that happening again.