To take or not to take...his name.

beautifulmama28

So I was married for a long time the first time (age 18-36!!)

I took my ex's last name during that time, only to greatlyfully get my maiden name back upon divorce.

So now I find this amazing guy, who would give the world to me if I asked...

he is very traditional, and would prefer me to take his last name when we marry.

I am not sure what I want to do. 

What did you do and how did you decide?

My choices are take his or hyphenate mine-his.

Interesting fact...our intitials are exactly the same (CAR) his and mine, so mine won't change if I take his last name lol

megannie

I had the same situation as you. I was conflicted as well with this decision, but my fiancee told me one night that it would really mean a lot to him if I took his name.

I decided that night to do it. I wasn't sure before then, but I realized that if it meant that much to him, it really wasn't that much of a problem for me.

coopsbaby

I was married for a long time too (from 20-36), and was happy to get my maiden back with the divorce as well. My fi does not care one bit if I take his name or not, but i'm choosing too.

Honestly he was a bit surprised that I wanted to since he knew it was a pain for me to switch everything not all that long ago, but I've never had an easily spelled last name and I'm a bit excited to have one that won't be screwed up everywhere! But, if he had insisted there is no way I would be changing my name. But I tend to be contrary like that!

I'm not ditching my maiden though. I'm discarding a much disliked middle name and moving my maiden to middle name status instead. Best of both worlds for me.

handfast4me

I never changed my name the first time (18 year marriage, starting in 1985) nor did I change it the second time.  I truly do not understand the need for it.  I've had a career that I need my name and reputation to continue, I'm published, etc.   My daughter's name, which was mine and my ex-h's hyphenated, was obviously not the same as mine, and there was never a problem at schools, so I really don't get that as a reason. 

My dad had no sons and no brothers, so it was important for me to pass the name on.  (My ex had 5 brothers.) 

In addition, both of my husbands have extremely complex names.  The first was French, with a bunch of letters that were silent.  My current h's last name is 9 letters long, only has one vowel, and ends in a z.   Funny story:  About 2 to 3 weeks before we got married it suddenly occured to me that we hadn't discussed this.  So I asked:  Do you expect me to change my name when we get married?  His reponse:  He!! No.  I was thinking of changing mine to YOURS.  :-)    Because of my job, he is frequently referred to as Mr. Herlastname, and he doesn't have an issue with it. On the rare occasion that I'm referred to as Mrs. Hislastname, I don't correct them, either.  We know who we are, and we're NOT brother and sister, hence we don't have the same last name. 

Darbie914

As one PP said, if it means that much to him for you to take his last name and YOU are okay with it, then by all means, go for it.  However, at the end of the day, it is YOUR last name and only you should make the final call.  Especially since you have already gone through the hassle of changing it once and then going back to your maiden name.

If you are truly not wanting to take his name entirely, I would not take it.  A good compromise would be to hyphenate it.  Myself, I wanted DH's last name but didn't want to let mine go completely.  So I dropped my middle name and put my maiden name in its place.  Just because you're getting married doesn't mean you have to change names.  Could he take yours?

beautifulmama28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:e10cf525-bbaf-4899-819b-eefd83c4efea">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]I was married for a long time too (from 20-36), and was happy to get my maiden back with the divorce as well. My fi does not care one bit if I take his name or not, but i'm choosing too. Honestly he was a bit surprised that I wanted to since he knew it was a pain for me to switch everything not all that long ago, but I've never had an easily spelled last name and I'm a bit excited to have one that won't be screwed up everywhere! But, if he had insisted there is no way I would be changing my name. But I tend to be contrary like that! I'm not ditching my maiden though. I'm discarding a much disliked middle name and moving my maiden to middle name status instead. Best of both worlds for me.
Posted by coopsbaby[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Good advice!</div><div>
</div><div>I actually had considred this...because while my middle name is the same as my mothers, I've never liked it LOL.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

beautifulmama28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:e7c78c28-8bfc-4d23-91d3-5e1706af0c5b">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]I never changed my name the first time (18 year marriage, starting in 1985) nor did I change it the second time.  I truly do not understand the need for it.  I've had a career that I need my name and reputation to continue, I'm published, etc.   My daughter's name, which was mine and my ex-h's hyphenated, was obviously not the same as mine, and there was never a problem at schools, so I really don't get that as a reason.  My dad had no sons and no brothers, so it was important for me to pass the name on.  (My ex had 5 brothers.)  In addition, both of my husbands have extremely complex names.  The first was French, with a bunch of letters that were silent.  My current h's last name is 9 letters long, only has one vowel, and ends in a z.   Funny story:  About 2 to 3 weeks before we got married it suddenly occured to me that we hadn't discussed this.  So I asked:  Do you expect me to change my name when we get married?  His reponse:  He!! No.  I was thinking of changing mine to YOURS.  :-)    Because of my job, he is frequently referred to as Mr. Herlastname, and he doesn't have an issue with it. On the rare occasion that I'm referred to as Mrs. Hislastname, I don't correct them, either.  We know who we are, and we're NOT brother and sister, hence we don't have the same last name. 
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Good points!</div><div>
</div><div>Both of our last names are simple...my maiden name is extremly simple (its only 3 letters LOL), his is a good last name, I actually like it.</div><div>
</div><div>I think its more of an identity crisis for me.  I am not name branded by any means, I hope to be one day but I'm not atm...that being said, a lot of my friends of course from HS know me by my maiden name.</div><div>

</div>

beautifulmama28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:bfc3bea4-9bc0-4b9a-9c98-3832d06eb6fe">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]If he insists that you have the same last name, suggest that he change his last name to yours. There is no reason why it "has" to be the woman who does this. You can also keep your name legally, but use Mrs. Jones socially.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Ya know...thats true, never thought of that. On paper isn't what I have to sign everyday,...and I still get to keep it, just go by his lase name.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>FTR, as traditional as he is he is totally leaving it up to me.  He says he supports whatever I decide....but I know he would be happy for me to take his (and like I said before I really like his last name as much as my maiden, both are good last names).</div>

beautifulmama28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:d0934165-3fd6-4645-a09f-79660754312a">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]  Could he take yours?
Posted by Darbie914[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>he supports me in all of it, but that would probably be drawing the line honestly lol</div><div>
</div><div>def a good idea, but I def wouldn't even ask...</div><div>
</div>

audreyecu61

I changed my name back to my original name I was married from 18 to 40.

Not changing my name this time around, he doesn't care.

It is whatever feels right for both of you.

handfast4me

See, now here's the thing.  That is such a double standard.  I would never, ever, ever, marry someone who was so sexist that he would insist I change my name.  As I've said before on this board, the entire thing goes back to women being property of their husband.  So just the fact that you wouldn't even suggest it raises HUGE red flags for me.  What is his issue?  Does he not think that women are as good as men?  Not as smart?  That the man must be the head of the household, or what?  I just do not comprehend these statements from women who are younger than I am.  I could understand it in women in the generation before mine, but my generation, and those before me, they FOUGHT for our rights.  It's up to you, and it really is YOUR duty to honor their sacrifices and keep this work going, so women have control over their own bodies, their lives, can own property, etc.  I understand you have a choice, and that's good, but you need to understand the men you're marrying.  Without these  things it's sharia law that will reign. 

Karmasmom

Whoa, handfast, dial it back. OP said her FI 'prefers' that she take his name but is leaving it up to her. OP, my H was the same. He was really excited about me possibly becoming Mrs. Hislastname but left it up to me. I didn't feel strongly one way or the other and if it would make him that happy, I'd do it. It's not a 'property' thing for him. So I changed my name. It's a big PITA but there it is. I like being called Mrs. Hislastname but that's just me. It's not for everyone.

crumbcake82

I took my first husband's last name as he fussed so much about it until I finally gave in. The name change and the marriage were both a mistake and lasted only two years.  My fiance's last name is very important to him, has a rich heritage, and even has a town named after his family, but he hasn't asked nor does he expect me to change my name.  My name is very common, but it's still mine and I intend to keep it.  

handfast4me

Kamasmom, I was reacting to someone's statement (can't find it now, maybe it was deleted or edited?) that said that she wouldn't ask; and the inflection was that she wouldn't dare to ask.  I have an issue with that, and again, it's a huge red flag.

We've had women on this board write similar things.  We warn them, and they go ahead with the marriage anyway.  And then, weeks/months later we see them on other boards, that their husbands are controling, abusive a$$holes.  It's just a feeling I got from that post, and if I don't give a warning shot across the bow, then I'm as guilty as someone who abuses. 

beautifulmama28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:48cf32a3-5be7-440a-aeea-55fc6b631e59">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]See, now here's the thing.  That is such a double standard.  I would never, ever, ever, marry someone who was so sexist that he would insist I change my name.  As I've said before on this board, the entire thing goes back to women being property of their husband.  So just the fact that you wouldn't even suggest it raises HUGE red flags for me.  What is his issue?  Does he not think that women are as good as men?  Not as smart?  That the man must be the head of the household, or what?  I just do not comprehend these statements from women who are younger than I am.  I could understand it in women in the generation before mine, but my generation, and those before me, they FOUGHT for our rights.  It's up to you, and it really is YOUR duty to honor their sacrifices and keep this work going, so women have control over their own bodies, their lives, can own property, etc.  I understand you have a choice, and that's good, but you need to understand the men you're marrying.  Without these  things it's sharia law that will reign. 
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It doesn't raise red flags for me...Im a pretty independant woman, I have 8 kids, I own everything in my life, and he knows it. He's old fashioned...there was no insistance just a sweet amazing guy that carries an old soul (which I love ;) )</div><div>
</div><div>I'm def all for women being empowered, but I am by no means  threatened by a man wanting to be traditional </div><div>

</div>

beautifulmama28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:1091c0ac-0c93-417d-ade9-a25baf0c8f2a">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]Kamasmom, I was reacting to someone's statement (can't find it now, maybe it was deleted or edited?) that said that she wouldn't ask; and the inflection was that she wouldn't dare to ask.  I have an issue with that, and again, it's a huge red flag. We've had women on this board write similar things.  We warn them, and they go ahead with the marriage anyway.  And then, weeks/months later we see them on other boards, that their husbands are controling, abusive a$$holes.  It's just a feeling I got from that post, and if I don't give a warning shot across the bow, then I'm as guilty as someone who abuses. 
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I said I wouldn't ask...because I wouldn't.</div><div>
</div><div>You need to understand...I consider my last name a legacy of my father, and I didn't want to put this out there but my father is a conservative evangelical who isn't exactly supportive of my new found life (post divorce/remarrying)</div><div>
</div><div>Without getting too much into the ugly of it all.....I would NOT ask my FI to take that name because while I cherish it, I'm not going to ask him to considering the way my father has been acting LOL</div><div>
</div><div>No offense, but I don't understand what the purpose of your comments are right now.</div><div>I never said he was forcing me too, ...you obviously don't know me, but FYI NO ONE tells me what to do ROFL!! ;) We have a mutual loving relationship based on trust and equality. </div><div>That being said, I am not afriad to allow him to be a man, and he is not afriad to allow me to show my feminity from time to time. We balance each other out.</div><div>
</div><div> And he knows better than to grab me by my hair and try and drag me back into the cave lol</div>

Lisa50

Back to the original question ...  What did I do and how did I decide?

I did not change my last name when I married either time (1992, 2011). 

My friends and I -- all born in 1961 -- had several conversations, over an extended amount of time, as we were growing up.   A woman taking a man's name upon marriage did not make any more sense to me back then, as a young teenager, than it does now.  Three out of the four of us married.  None of us changed our names.

Now, that doesn't mean I do not understand why American women, my mother's generation and older, changed their last names.  I do.  Tradition.  The pride of being known, first and foremost, as "Mrs." or "wife of" the man in her life. The acceptance of male superiority in our society.  Lack of exposure to other cultural traditions.  I get it.  But that was then.

All of those things, OP, played into the discussions my friends and I had decades ago.  It helped me reach the conclusion back then, I would not change my name upon marriage, which was realized once I grew up and got married. 

beautifulmama28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:5652af7d-f828-46ab-bfba-b705427fce51">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]Back to the original question ...  What did I do and how did I decide ? I did not change my last name when I married either time (1992, 2011).  My friends and I -- all born in 1961 -- had several conversations, over an extended amount of time, as we were growing up.   A woman taking a man's name upon marriage did not make any more sense to me back then, as a young teenager, than it does now.  Three out of the four of us married.  None of us changed our names. Now, that doesn't mean I do not understand why American women, my mother's generation and older, changed their last names.  I do.  Tradition.  The pride of being known, first and foremost, as "Mrs." or "wife of" the man in her life. The acceptance of male superiority in our society.  Lack of exposure to other cultural traditions.  I get it.  But that was then. All of those things, OP, played into the discussions my friends and I had decades ago.  It helped me reach the conclusion back then, I would not change my name upon marriage, which was realized once I grew up and got married. 
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I love your answer, thank you!</div><div>
</div><div>can I ask...what do you know about name changes in other cultures? I'd be interested in hearing more about this and any info you have in regards to your decision.</div><div>
</div><div>Right now I'm leaning towards hyphenating, per this thread and much thought, but im not 100% decided yet either ;)</div>

2dBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:a9dfc944-2031-490c-a4a6-5242ae21b1e2">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To take or not to take...his name. : he supports me in all of it, but that would probably be drawing the line honestly lol def a good idea, but I def wouldn't even ask...
Posted by beautifulmama28[/QUOTE]
Why would you definitely not ask him, but you not only think it's okay for him to ask you, but think you ought to take his preferences into account?

I did not change my name either when I married for the first time (in 1977), or when I married for the second time (in 2009).

JillianNJohn

I took my exs last name bc I was young and thought that's what u were supposed to do. When we divorced, 3 kids later I kept the name bc my children went through alot at that point and I felt it was best for them. When FI and I got engaged FI and I discussed it but there was no doubts in my mind.... I was changing to his. I'm honored that he loves me enough to want to marry me. May sound stupid but for a long time I considered myself damaged goods bc of what my ex put me through. We had sat down and come up with the entire plan to tell the kids I would have FIs last name, not theirs but they beat us to it. My sweet 7 yr old asked if I get to Change to FIs last name now or did I have to wait till the wedding. That made our approach a whole lot easier. For me, it has nothing to do with control or ownership. It's another way to show my love and devotion to my future husband.

coopsbaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:b2391260-a042-42da-a796-fd21fba4ba11">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To take or not to take...his name. : Good advice! I actually had considred this...because while my middle name is the same as my mothers, I've never liked it LOL.
Posted by beautifulmama28[/QUOTE]

<div>Mine is the same as my mom, dad, sister and nephew. It's an awful name that they spread around since it's so "neat" that we all have the same name. Gag. Can't wait to be rid of it, just with I had known that was an option when I married the first time!</div><div>
</div><div>Hyphenating is good too, if that's what you want. Our names are both pretty long so I didn't even consider that, but I know plenty of women who hyphenate happily!</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

beautifulmama28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:41f8ff93-522c-4e6c-96ef-709b5ee722cb">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]I took my exs last name bc I was young and thought that's what u were supposed to do. When we divorced, 3 kids later I kept the name bc my children went through alot at that point and I felt it was best for them. When FI and I got engaged FI and I discussed it but there was no doubts in my mind.... I was changing to his. I'm honored that he loves me enough to want to marry me. May sound stupid but for a long time I considered myself damaged goods bc of what my ex put me through. We had sat down and come up with the entire plan to tell the kids I would have FIs last name, not theirs but they beat us to it. My sweet 7 yr old asked if I get to Change to FIs last name now or did I have to wait till the wedding. That made our approach a whole lot easier. For me, it has nothing to do with control or ownership. It's another way to show my love and devotion to my future husband.
Posted by JillianNJohn[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is beautiful <3</div><div>Thank you for sharing that.</div><div>I agree...my guy is such a sweet heart, he is an old soul.  The things he does say he likes/enjoys I know mean something to him, so thats a big part of why I'm so sensative to want to do the right thing without giving up that independant part of me either <3

</div>

NeedFavors

I took his name the first time, but I don't think I'd do it again. I am too established in my career to change it.

MikesAngie

My husband didn't care if I took his name or not - but I also knew that it was important to him that we have the same last name.  So in the end I decided to change my maiden name to his last name.  It was a surprise to him when we picked up our marriage license. 

anssett

My name is more "awesome" (according to me, FI, and strangers). I am also MUCH more established in a career that is attached to this name. FI is taking my name. :-) His choice.

Knottie_22381866

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-take-or-not-to-takehis-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3c9f6b52-d13f-4c52-bf8d-e8ab0a1820f6Post:1091c0ac-0c93-417d-ade9-a25baf0c8f2a">Re: To take or not to take...his name.</a>:
[QUOTE]Kamasmom, I was reacting to someone's statement (can't find it now, maybe it was deleted or edited?) that said that she wouldn't ask; and the inflection was that she wouldn't dare to ask.  I have an issue with that, and again, it's a huge red flag. We've had women on this board write similar things.  We warn them, and they go ahead with the marriage anyway.  And then, weeks/months later we see them on other boards, that their husbands are controling, abusive a$$holes.  It's just a feeling I got from that post, and if I don't give a warning shot across the bow, then I'm as guilty as someone who abuses. 
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

I took my first husband's last name and he turned out to be a physically abusive bastard.  Fast forward many years I go ahead and decide to tie the knot again to another man I had dated/lived with for 10 years and he turned around after 10 years of marriage and said I wasn't really his wife because I didn't change my name so he felt it was totally appropriate to get into relationships with other women and abuse me emotionally and verbally.  After all that I said no way not going to do this again.  But a friend that had been by my side through most of this last nightmare came forward and told me that the worst decision he ever made was to let me walk away and he wouldn't let it happen again.  (insert awwwww here lol)  I know he wants me to change my last name to his when we marry this fall and of course I have some reservations about it considering my past but he is such a kind, gentle man I know I've found the one so I'm going to go through with it.