Non-traditional Registry

MuppetOverlord

So this is my second wedding (his first).  I do not want a shower, the people in my life already contributed to my building a home and it makes me feel uncomfortable to do it again, especially when we don't need anything.

We might do an engagement party this spring or summer...but not really looking for gifts.

So for our registry which will be mainly regarding the wedding day itself I imagine... we are going to do a honeymoon registry because that's what would help us the most.

I love the idea....but my FMIL is crazy and she's particularly crazy about this wedding since it's her only child and his first wedding so I think she's going to have a cow about not having the traditional shower and not registring for tangible gifts.

Anyone have any feedback on honeymoon registries or dealing with anticipated crazy FMIL reactions?

Sue-n-Kevin

You received some excellent advice above from Retreadbride.

In your scenario, like your fiance, it was my first wedding, but my husband's 3rd. We both had everything we needed, mostly two of everything, LOL. You presumably have a fully stocked home and don't need anything. But your MIL wants her son to have all the experiences of a first wedding, which is fine.

You may not want to have a shower because you don't think you need anything. We didn't, but I also didn't have anyone feeling that it was necessary as an "experience" like your MIL does.

I'd go along with her and consider registering simply to keep the peace. And I'd recommend you go with your fiance to one of the "standard stores" like Bed Bath & Beyond, Crate and Barrel, Macy's, etc, to register for "new things". Are there things you don't have that you would love to have? Are your towels, bedding, dishes, pots & pans a bit "well used"? If she's offering to throw you a shower, then let her. She can invite people from both families and if your family thinks it's a bit much due to helping you in the past, then they'll either decline or spend less.

We also simply wanted gifts of money for the wedding because it was intended to pay for the honeymoon I'd booked and put on my credit card. However, I didn't do a honeymoon registry because I planned the honeymoon I wanted online and didn't pay anyone to do it for me. Also, based on my experience as a guest and recent bride, people tend to buy gifts for showers, but give gifts of money for weddings because it's easier to bring a card to a wedding reception than a gift.

MuppetOverlord

This wasn't the response I was expecting, but I'm glad to have the perspectives as I didn't see that way.

The registry we've been looking at is Honeyfund which doesn't appear to have fees.

Why are jack and jills acceptable, aren't those big fundraisers?

Maybe we just won't have a registry at all. I just can't register for things we don't need. The first time we registered, and them our mothers told us we didn't register for enough so we went around adding stuff we got nothing that we needed. We literally just bought our house a few months ago so we bought everything... the only things we need are at home depot.

MuppetOverlord

The honey fund $ seems to just go into your paypal account and the only fees are paypal fees. So it creates the idea of a "gift" from the guest with the intention of something specific. Still bad?

Blue_Bird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_non-traditional-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:5ebcf944-4525-4dc6-8d4a-4e0f41e56fa2Post:ec3c7d84-d973-42d0-b0c5-2392804ebdf8">Re: Non-traditional Registry</a>:
[QUOTE]This wasn't the response I was expecting, but I'm glad to have the perspectives as I didn't see that way. The registry we've been looking at is Honeyfund which doesn't appear to have fees. Why are jack and jills acceptable, aren't those big fundraisers? Maybe we just won't have a registry at all. I just can't register for things we don't need. The first time we registered, and them our mothers told us we didn't register for enough so we went around adding stuff we got nothing that we needed. We literally just bought our house a few months ago so we bought everything... the only things we need are at home depot.
Posted by BritniLeigh[/QUOTE]

Jack and Jills are not acceptable. Just because many people do rude things, doesn't mean they're o.k. At the end of the day, you're going to do what you want, so if you have your heart set on a honeymoon fund, go for it. I think you'll have more success just not registering for anything though.

Jells2dot0

I highly recommend searching honeymoon registries on the honeymoon board. In fact, you can probably just read through the first few pages and find many posts about them. IMHO, honeymoon registries are just a sneaky way of asking for money, as your honeymoon will have to be paid for well in advance of receiving the money and the gift your guests think they are giving you (excursions, spa treatments) isn't what they are giving you at all. You get a check from the service, not vouchers.

I am also of the opinion, as I am sure others are on here as well, that there is surely some things you can register for on a traditional registry. My DH and I have lived together for over 6 years and he has owned a home since 1989. We still come up with things all of the time that would be nice to have around the house. If you really feel that you have everything you need. then I recommend doing what pp said and have your MOH spread the word that you have everything you need because of just buying your first home and that you are trying to save up for a HM.

Jells2dot0

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_non-traditional-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:5ebcf944-4525-4dc6-8d4a-4e0f41e56fa2Post:dbc9f990-c21d-4163-bd97-4ede464cec74">Re: Non-traditional Registry</a>:
[QUOTE]The honey fund $ seems to just go into your paypal account and the only fees are paypal fees. <strong>So it creates the idea of a "gift" from the guest with the intention of something specific. Still bad?</strong>
Posted by BritniLeigh[/QUOTE]

As i mentioned below, this is just flat out wrong. It's deceitful to lead your guests into thinking they are buying you a specific item and it's really just them handing over cash for you to take a vacation.

MuppetOverlord

I will just not register and do as folks suggested and let people spread the word.

I have never had any intention of having a jack and jill. I've always thought they were terrible. I went to some when I was younger because I had to but I've avoided them since.

I've actually gone out of my way not to have anyone pay anything extra for us which is why I do not want a shower.  I'm also paying for the entire wedding, including the rehersal dinner, and only asking the BMs to wear a black dress. So we are not money grubbing if that's what it appears to be.

To clarify, Jells, my comment about the honeyfund giving the idea of giving a gift for something specific: our intention would be to use the funds for what was purchased. We are not being deceitful. I was trying to note that it's not one of the services that arranges anything for you or takes a fee.

MuppetOverlord

I can't believe people were made to give the gifts back to the bride and groom at that Jack and Jill....that's ridiculous.

My fiance picked out the DJ for us and on the form he's listed the different types of games he can play and they all involve people giving more money at the wedding. I have to write on the forms that we are not to have any of these. We just went to a wedding at Christmas where they had dollar dances and they made people at the table pull out something that was
"at least" a $20 bill and we played musical chairs until the person left holding it finally had to bring it to the bride.

The person who took out the $ had no idea they weren't getting it back, the DJ told the tables to be "good sports" when he asked for volunteers. One guy had pulled out a $50 and it was what was delivered to the bride and he was so upset... and how does he go up to them and say he wants it back?  He sucked it up.

Gah.

Jells2dot0

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_non-traditional-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:5ebcf944-4525-4dc6-8d4a-4e0f41e56fa2Post:849f8b2c-3264-4053-8981-c9b8a97a7384">Re: Non-traditional Registry</a>:
[QUOTE]I will just not register and do as folks suggested and let people spread the word. I have never had any intention of having a jack and jill. I've always thought they were terrible. I went to some when I was younger because I had to but I've avoided them since. I've actually gone out of my way not to have anyone pay anything extra for us which is why I do not want a shower.  I'm also paying for the entire wedding, including the rehersal dinner, and only asking the BMs to wear a black dress. So we are not money grubbing if that's what it appears to be. <strong>To clarify, Jells, my comment about the honeyfund giving the idea of giving a gift for something specific: our intention would be to use the funds for what was purchased. We are not being deceitful. I was trying to note that it's not one of the services that arranges anything for you or takes a fee.</strong>
Posted by BritniLeigh[/QUOTE]

I recommend taking pictures of you doing the things your guests paid for and place them in your TY notes. It's a step in the right direction to make it seem like you are not just asking for money. However, there are probably going to be some people who will never give money, no matter what, and there will be some people who will think the HM registry is rude. I do recommend creating a traditional registry and place just a few small items on it for those who prefer the traditional route and I still highly recommend reading the posts about this on the honeymoon board.

MuppetOverlord

I think you missed what I said about us just not registering to avoid any of it.

Jells2dot0

I'm sorry- I thought you meant not registering in the sense of a traditional registry but still doing the HM registry. My fault for not understanding. I do think that is a great idea, though- have your famiy and bridal party spread the word! Let's hope your FMIL doesn't decide to throw a shower for you, though! That may force an awkward situation. I can understand her wanting her son to go through the whole process of a traditional wedding, but she also needs to be mindful of your decisions as a couple.

right1thistime

Home Depot is an EXCELLENT place to register.  As Retread noted, some people are absolutely unwilling to give money as a wedding present.  If you choose not to register, you risk getting what they select for you.  How many picture frames do you need?  How about crystal glassware and vases?  None?  Well, unless you give your guests some ideas as to what you would like, you'll be writing thank you notes for them. 

Other ideas - do you have hobbies? Like books?  Music?  Do you like to camp?  Do you need luggage for your honeymoon?  Your registry doesn't have to be crystal & china.  ~Donna

MuppetOverlord

Yeah we actually TRIED to come up with a list of things we need that we could register for last night. We went through several websites and stores and basically the only thing we came up with is curtains. Which is something I can actually tell my mom and would prob be what my grandmother gives. She likes buying tangible items.

 The Home Depot stuff we need is flooring, sheetrock, power tools, a bathtub, tile, a generator... I  mean they aren't things that are going to be wrapped for a shower.

I don't need frames, glassware, vases, luggage, towels, kitchenware, sheets...or anything you'd typically register for.... I mean, we really are all set.

I understand FMIL wanting her son to go through typical wedding things, but the shower isnt an event that involves him either really. He also doesn't care about it. This would be about her show, not her son. FMIL knows no boundaries and while loving, she truly is crazy and her reactions to things that aren't what she expects are quite overwhelming....  While I'd love to minimize that, it's also my wedding, the shower makes me uncomfortable and my family does not want to be a part of it.
 
With that said, I could see her throwing a shower for me for her family and her friends, but most of the people she would be inviting are people I've never met that she is basically forcing us to invite to the wedding (I've given up on the related chaos to opposing this). Fiance hasn't seen a chunk of these people since childhood. She also keeps hinting that she wants us to invite her friends to the wedding. We've agreed to invite one of them...but that's it. I could really see her inviting her friends to the shower that arent invited to the wedding as a way to secure invitations for them. Again, she isn't offering to contribute anything...not even to the rehersal dinner.

To give you an idea of this woman, she didn't talk to me for 4 months because we considered buying a house that she didn't approve of,  nastily told me what she thought of me for even looking at it, then decided she wanted to move in with us (without asking us) when we bought a house she liked and told me she didn't want to be part of our lives when we asked if we could discuss it with her first.

right1thistime

I still think you can register at Home Depot.   If you register for a bunch of power tools or flooring, you will probably get gift cards - which is a score.  [And by the way, if you got the moving kits from the post office when you moved, and there was a Lowe's 10% off coupon in there -- Home Depot will accept it.  Even if you didn't before, you can still ask the post office for the kits to get the discount!]

MIL sounds toxic.  So how you & Fi handle all of this will probably set the tone for the future. 

I will repeat myself, though, if you don't register, you will get some white elephant gifts.  ~Donna

MuppetOverlord

MIL can be toxic. She really came between us and challenged our relationship when she tried to move in but we've been able to work it out between us more and I've learned not to vent to FH about her because it makes him defensive of her.

I know about the Lowes and HD post office coupons, they were awesome! We had to move twice in 2 months while we sold our house and waited for our current house....so we had to each change our address twice originally....and the post office kept messing up our fwding so we had to redo it and got another batch...we got 6 or 7 of those coupons.

I understand the point about the elephant gifts. We'll keep thinking. I'm glad I posted originally here though. Originally, I felt a little defensive about some of the comments but after thinking and talking about it  I think you're all right . Thank you for the feedback

SSquinn

This is both mine and my fiances 2nd wedding... we did the traditional and non traditional registery.. we have everything, a house and everything for it.  We did the traditional registry to make some of the older folks happy and decided to use it as a chance to upgrade things we wanted to.. and for other they are excited to see and share our honeymoon wishes... we had many say to use that was a great idea and wish they would have done it for their weddings.  Do what you want and makes you both happy.. nothing is traditional anymore!

MuppetOverlord

I still don't feel negative about the HM registry. I polled people in my family and friends after such a negative response to the mention of a HM registry on here. No one was offended by it, actually several of them thought it was a good idea. However, all of them said that most people are just going to give money at the reception...and since there's no shower anyway, does it really matter? 

So I'm just going to go with that and take the suggestion that we perhaps write about a honeymoon experience to our guests that their gift contributed to in our TY notes. We aren't registering...there's just nothing we need. We went shopping in Sept when we bought our house and got most of what we'd ask for for Christmas.

That way, there's nothing arguably rude, we're not registering for stuff we don't need, and we can still communicate to our guests how we used their gift.

reppunzel

I'm late to this topic, but if you are willing for FMIL (who sounds like great fun ) to give a shower, but don't want to register, perhaps she could do a more specific shower:  recipes, spices, coffee/tea, drinks/mixers, yard/garden (if you have any landscaping needs for the new house?), lingerie, a particular ethnic cuisine that you like, or something specific to your and FI's likes and hobbies. 

Someone on another board metioned a tradition (Southern, I think?) of "pounding" a bride/couple: each guest was asked to bring a pound of something (in lieu of a traditional gift).  The original intent was to stock the newlywed's cupboards (flour, sugar, the basics), but it could easily expand out into something more specific (again, coffee, tea) or creative (charcoal, nails, potting soil, etc.).  True, you might not "need" those things (no one would "register" for boxes of pasta), per se, but since they're likely to be non-perishables, they're bound to come in handy.

These would give the opportunity for the "shower" feel / the celebration that your FMIL wants to have, and gives you something useful (and in some cases, consumible/disposable), without the need for a registry and with less of a risk of white elephant gifts. 

Maybe it could even be a couples' shower (since she's so invested in her son's wedding experience). 

MuppetOverlord

Reppunzel, that's a wonderful idea! That's really quite nice, I really love it. That could be something that my family and friends are involved with too without any negative feelings. I think that sounds like a lot of fun!