Second Weddings

Divorced and staring down a second wedding, ugh!

So, the bf & I are both divorced. We are both 28 and he is pushing marriage, so I thought I would test the waters here....

Is it wrong if I am the oldest child in a large Italian family (including extended family) and I would possibly getting married twice before anyone (cousins and sibling) is married once? It makes me feel weird.

Second, can I have a big wedding, again? Or is that also weird?

Will it matter if my wedding is shabby compared to the first as we'd be paying for this one ourselves instead of my parents footing the bill?

I have no idea what to do! The bf is def more into this than I am since he is lacking the insecurities.

Re: Divorced and staring down a second wedding, ugh!

  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Hmm ... if someone were pushing marriage at me, I'd run in the other direction.  No one deserves to be pushed into a relationship of any kind, least of all marriage.

    Perhaps you should set aside thoughts of planning a wedding for the time being.  While you're thinking things over, here's some good bedside reading: The Wedding Guide for the Grownup Bride (Shelley Christiansen) and The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams: Planning Together for Less Stress and More Joy (Judith Sherven, James Sniechowski).

    Good luck.  I wish you the best!
  • Step 1 is to decide if marriage is right for you. If you feel like he is "pushing" then it's probably too soon to think about weddings. If you DO decide that you are ready for marriage again, then you can have any style of wedding that you want. It's fine to have a second big wedding if you want (and can afford it). Most second-time brides tend to change things up the second time, but more often because we don't want anything that will remind us of the first time. The best way to get the wedding you want is to pay for it yourselves. Your parents or older relatives may side-eye a large second wedding, or a big white dress, or whatever, but those things are perfectly appropriate for a second wedding, and if YOU are paying then you make the decisions.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_divorced-and-staring-down-a-second-wedding-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:64989181-aea1-41ed-8370-18b04bb960f3Post:6008401b-43f4-4ead-bdf5-61e320bbb670">Divorced and staring down a second wedding, ugh!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, the bf & I are both divorced. We are both 28 and he is <strong>pushing marriage,</strong> so I thought I would test the waters here.... Is it wrong if I am the oldest child in a large Italian family (including extended family) and I would possibly getting married twice before anyone (cousins and sibling) is married once? It makes me feel weird. Second, <strong>can I have a big wedding</strong>, again? Or is that also weird? Will it matter if my wedding is shabby compared to the first as we'd be paying for this one ourselves instead of my parents footing the bill? I have no idea what to do! The bf is def more into this than I am since he is lacking the insecurities.
    Posted by FIREFIGHTING BRIDE[/QUOTE]

    Well, I guess the first part is to decide what you mean by pushing. Do you feel he is pressuring you to get married again?

    I do not feel that big weddings the second time around are frowned upon. I was also hesitant about this but, our guest list is in the ballpark of 250. My first wedding was 125 mostly of my ex's family. This time is a combined effort.

    I am also the oldest child of a fairly large Polish family. I will also be getting married twice before my siblings get married once. However, I balance that with my siblings with the exception of 2 all have children.

    The best thing you can do is talk to your bf. See if you personally are ready to get married. I know 6 months ago, I was not and was still a trainwreck from my ex. Esp when I found out the divorce was not final yet and we have ended up in a massive court battle (he was supposed to be getting married in August but a court fight over $200 is more important to him.)

    I did a lot of soul searching before I got with FI and I was in a happy place. FI and I go to the premartial classes at church and are working on our marriage not just the wedding day. The premartial classes and having "couple" activites really chilled my insecurities. We do dance classes and go to the gym together too. So maybe something like that will help your insecurities?
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  • You don't seem all that into it.  If that is the case, maybe having a big wedding isn't the right idea.  There is nothing wrong with having a big wedding however!!  Like pp's - I think you should more concerned that you feel like your BF is "pushing marriage".  Has he officially proposed to you and you said yes?  If budget is the issue with your large family and you feel that things would be "shabby" - maybe you should do a destination wedding where it might be a lot less planning and you only have to invite people if you really want to.  

    I am also going into my second marriage before some of my cousins and all of my siblings have been married once.  I thought about this for a split second and now I don't care.  I am happier than I have ever been in my life and my decision to divorce/remarry was my choice and I know its the right one for me.  
  • Story time!!  

    Perhaps you can glean something from this, my DH and I were reunited after a long time apart (almost your entire life time).  We reunited on the 4-3-09 and on 4-11-09 very early in the am with some bravery juice on board he decided to tell me his intentions.  I waited until later in that morning to have a sober conversation with him about it.  I then told him that knowing his intentions at this early juncture was a bit daunting, and thought it best to give us, time.   I had my own ghosts to deal with and he had his. 

    Needless to say he stopped pushing  and let me come to my own conclusion about being married to him.   In late December of that same year or early January the next I mentioned our conversation of  the previous April and said I was very comfortable being a part of his life and I knew marriage was/is important to him.  We were engaged 4-3-10 and married 4-3-11.

    Moral to the story wait until you are absolutely sure and comfortable, do not let him or anyone push or pressure you. Once you are there, then proceed.  Plan the wedding you both want and can afford.  Also be prepared to have moments where  you are giddy about this wedding and those where  you just aren't. 

  • Ok as pp have stated don't let him push you into anything. My rebound relationship after divorce was unfortunately 11 months long and from week one of our relationship he pushed marriage...and he didn't stop. I knew I wasn't ready - knew he wasn't the one but didn't want to fail at another relationship so I stayed until it was too much.

    I married my ex at age 18 we were married for 7 1/2 yrs. I was (of course) the first to get married of my friends...well I am now 30, planning my second wedding - well out of my 5 best friends, one is getting married this year. I know what you are thinking and I still have thoughts thoughts of I'm doing this the second time and they haven't done it yet. Well look at it this way - you found love twice where they either haven't or they have but their significant other isn't ready.

    I am loving being able to plan this wedding - I'm going all out in VEGAS :) I feel like I know what I want, how I want it and considering we are paying for it - we are the ones making the choices.

    Is he your first relationship after your divorce?
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