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Second Weddings
WIT2011
member
Second Wife-To-Be Blues
I got engaged last month (June 2011) to my fiance, and we are planning an Oct. wedding. This will be my first marriage and his second (he was married for 7 years had 2 kids, and been divorced for 3 years).
I'm having a really hard time planning the wedding because I feel like he is not as excited about being married to me as he was to his ex-wife. To make matters worse, I feel paralyzed to make any decisions because I don't want this wedding to be similar to his first one in anyway - this effects everything from the venue (no churches or hotel receptions because that's what his first was) to rings (I recently found out they had their wedding bands engraved, and now I feel like I can't have that, even though it's something I always wanted).
Honestly, I feel guilty even asking him to take part in a wedding because it's something he has already done before. I just don't feel happy like I feel I should be, and I feel like the whole experience it tainted because of his previous marriage. Yes, I knew he was divorced when we started dating, I just thought I would be happier when we got engaged and started planning our life together - I'm just sad though, and I feel like our future will be ruined because of his past.
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Re: Second Wife-To-Be Blues
Has he told you directly to not plan anything that will be in any way remotely similar to his first? Or are you projecting that? There's alot of common threads in weddings so you're not going to be able to plan anything that's a polar opposite of the first. Example - engraved bands. What is wrong with getting your set engraved? Millions of people have done it and just because his first set was engraved doesn't mean that your engraved set is going to be any less special to him.
Take these concerns to him and I'm pretty sure you'll find that you're worried about nothing.
He had a bride before, he had a wedding night before, he had a honeymoon before, he felt a baby's kick before, he experienced the joy of the birth of his child before, etc. You will never be the first for any of those. HOWEVER, he will experience those (if you choose to have children, of course) for the first time WITH YOU. If you spend all your energy trying to NOT have things the same, YOU are actually putting a whole lot of importance on his first marriage, WAY more than is necessary or is normally going to be there. Are you going to avoid a cake, a dance, glasses clinking, a registry, a honeymoon, a wedding night, a dress, and flowers because they were part of his first wedding? Frankly, that's ridiculous.
You knew he was divorced when you started dating, but I truly don't think you are at peace with that. He has children that tie him to his first marriage forever. When they graduate, when they get married, when they have children, you will always be the second wife. Before you shortchange him from a wife who loves and accepts who he is and where he's been, make sure you are ok with all that. ~Donna
[QUOTE]I got engaged last month (June 2011) to my fiance, and we are planning an Oct. wedding. This will be my first marriage and his second (he was married for 7 years had 2 kids, and been divorced for 3 years). <strong>I'm having a really hard time planning the wedding because I feel like he is not as excited about being married to me as he was to his ex-wife. </strong> To make matters worse, I feel paralyzed to make any decisions because I don't want this wedding to be similar to his first one in anyway - this effects everything from the venue (no churches or hotel receptions because that's what his first was) to rings (I recently found out they had their wedding bands engraved, and now I feel like I can't have that, even though it's something I always wanted). Honestly, I feel guilty even asking him to take part in a wedding because it's something he has already done before. I just don't feel happy like I feel I should be, and I feel like the whole experience it tainted because of his previous marriage. Yes, I knew he was divorced when we started dating, I just thought I would be happier when we got engaged and started planning our life together - I'm just sad though, and I feel like our future will be ruined because of his past.
Posted by WIT2011[/QUOTE]
I missed the bolded the first time around. That's a little different than not being excited about planning a wedding. Men can be like that as well as women. I wasn't big into either. But you said you feel is not as excited to be marrying YOU. You need to have a big old sit down with this man. And then have a sit down with a therapist and explore WHY you're feeling this way - it's a lack of self-esteem, hon.
And what Donna said because she is the literate and intelligent me.
Donna: I can't pretend it didn't exist because she is everywhere. I am unable to escape this. I won't lie... It is hard for me to know that he will never think the things we do together will be as special to him as it was with her (marriage, kids, etc.) because I'm his second wife. I do love him very much, and he is the man of my dreams but I know that I'll never be as important to him as she was.
[QUOTE]Marrin713: His divorce was instigated by her in the end, though he originally brought up the idea a year and a half before she filed. He has not specifically told me that our wedding should be nothing like his first. Regardin the engraved rings, I guess it just feels wrong even though I always imagined having engraved rings with my husband. Her ring from him said "Forever" - he gave that to her, he can't give that to me. Donna: I can't pretend it didn't exist because she is everywhere. I am unable to escape this. I won't lie...<strong> It is hard for me to know that he will never think the things we do together will be as special to him as it was with her (marriage, kids, etc.) because I'm his second wife. </strong> I do love him very much, and he is the man of my dreams but I know that I'll never be as important to him as she was.
Posted by WIT2011[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">I hope you aren't suggesting that second marriages can't be as special as first marriages. Almost everyone on this board has been married before, and I would doubt any one of us would ever say our current FI/DHs aren't as special as our prior because they weren't first.<div>There is a reason he isn't with her now. There is a reason he has decided to be with you now. If you can't get past the fact that he has a past, then you are in for a long road. You need to sit down with you FI and tell him how you feel. Be honest. Feelings are just that, feelings. They are how we interpret our world. That doesn't mean that our interpretations are completely accurate, but our feelings are valid. IF he is making you feel less special, tell him. You should not just let this feeling of resentment or lack of specialness build and destroy you and your relationship with your FI.</div></div></div><div>
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Think back to the first boy you kissed. Is he more special to you than your Fi, because he was the first?
The first boy you said I love you to. The first boy you dreamed of forever with. The first man you had sex with (the traditional "first"). Maybe even the first man you planned to marry. Are ANY of them more important than your Fi?
Yes, she will always be the mother of his children. You cannot change that. But in many cases, that will be a thorn in his side, not s soft spot in his heart.
This scenario is one YOU have created, in the dark recesses of your head. I repeat that you need to stop planning a wedding and figure out how you fell about this relationship. ~Donna
Why do you feel that way?
This barrier to your all out happiness is your own making. My fiance has been married TWICE, I've never been married. We are obviously a lot older than you, so accept my advice (and that of the other women) as coming from someone who has shared your experience, but has a different outlook.
We are planning the wedding that fits US. Somewhat formal, small by standard wedding sizes (about 80 people), and he hasn't been as excited about all the small details like I have. Men rarely are.
Get a grip. Relax. Stop worrying about what you know he had the first time, and comparing your wedding to that one. You are having thoughts that will haunt you and possibly endanger your happiness. You have no children, so you can't understand this statement, but I love my second child just as much as my first. They even came into the world differently: my firstborn was a c-section, the second child born 7 years later was a non-surgical delivery. I still love them the same.
"but I know that I'll never be as important to him as she was." If you believe this, it will become your self fulfilling prophesy. You DON'T know this, you fear this. You don't say how long you have dated your fiance, but your wedding is 4 months after your engagement (unless you meant October of next year). If you have these fears you must talk them out with him before making such a huge decision. It's not healthy to worry about (it almost sounds like jealousy) what he had "the first time around", whether it's your wedding or your every day life together.
Good luck.
Donna: Of course those "firsts" aren't as important as my fiance, but those firsts seem different than a person's first spouse, to me at least. Honestly though, my fiance is the first person I met that I wanted to be married to - I knew he was "the one." Also, it sounds like you are saying that because she is the mother of his children, her importance is paramount (maybe I'm reading that incorrectly?). If we had kids, wouldn't I be the mother of some of his children too? Though when we've talked about having kids before, which he has said he wanted kids with me from the beginning - he has said he would love our kids but would always pick his first children over ours. Doesn't that inherently mean the kids we would have together are less special to him? This is hard for me, and I'm sorry - I can't help feeling like that. Maybe this makes me a bad person... that I would want our kids to be special to him like his first kids are because I know what an exceptional father he is?
Sue-n-Kevin: Your paragraph about your kids sounds like you are drawing a parallel between how much he loves her and how much he loves me - that it will be the same. This makes me very sad to hear as well - I want him to love me more than he ever loved her. Your statement makes me think this may not be the case. Maybe I am misinterpreting what you wrote.
We've dated for 3 years - we met after he and his ex-wife were already separated (she was already seeing someone else and had cheated on my fiance during their marriage), and we didn't begin dating until after their divorce was final. We are planning the wedding for this fall because we don't want to wait until next fall - these two choices (this fall or next fall) were mandated by my family because my sister is planning her wedding for next June, and they feel it is more important for her to have her time as a bride than it is for me, since this is my fiance's second wedding.
For what it's worth, I plan to have a conversation with him about all of these things. Thanks for your input/advice.
[QUOTE]mmhepb: I am not trying to disrespect anyone on the board who has been married more than once. As someone who has never been married before, I just don't see how a second marriage could be as special/important as the first. <strong>After the first it's "been there, done that" - what's special or important about that? </strong> Again, no disrespect - I guess this is just my paradigm, and something worth exploring with him. Donna: Of course those "firsts" aren't as important as my fiance, but those firsts seem different than a person's first spouse, to me at least. Honestly though, my fiance is the first person I met that I wanted to be married to - I knew he was "the one." Also, it sounds like you are saying that because she is the mother of his children, her importance is paramount (maybe I'm reading that incorrectly?). If we had kids, wouldn't I be the mother of some of his children too? Though when we've talked about having kids before, which he has said he wanted kids with me from the beginning -<strong> he has said he would love our kids but would always pick his first children over ours. </strong> Doesn't that inherently mean the kids we would have together are less special to him? This is hard for me, and I'm sorry - I can't help feeling like that. Maybe this makes me a bad person... that I would want our kids to be special to him like his first kids are because I know what an exceptional father he is? Sue-n-Kevin: Your paragraph about your kids sounds like you are drawing a parallel between how much he loves her and how much he loves me - that it will be the same. This makes me very sad to hear as well - I want him to love me more than he ever loved her. Your statement makes me think this may not be the case. Maybe I am misinterpreting what you wrote. We've dated for 3 years - we met after he and his ex-wife were already separated (she was already seeing someone else and had cheated on my fiance during their marriage), and we didn't begin dating until after their divorce was final. We are planning the wedding for this fall because we don't want to wait until next fall - these two choices (this fall or next fall) were mandated by my family because my sister is planning her wedding for next June, and they feel it is more important for her to have her time as a bride than it is for me, since this is my fiance's second wedding. <strong> For what it's worth, I plan to have a conversation with him about all of these things. Thanks for your input/advice.</strong>
Posted by WIT2011[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>For the 1st bold - think of it this way. Did you have a best friend in grade school? Do you have a different best friend now? Was your 1st best friend more special because she was the 1st? Or - have you changed - learned more about how you love and value friendship - and thus the 2nd best friend can be just a special.</div><div>
</div><div>2nd bold - this would be a huge red flag to me. I wouldn't marry or have children with someone who flat out told me that my children with him wouldn't be as special as his children with his first wife. Please talk with him very honestly about this. Make sure you weren't misunderstanding him. If this is what he meant, then only you will know if it's something you can live with, but I for one could not.</div><div>
</div><div>3rd bold - Glad you will be talking with him - and glad you found this board. Even without posting often, just reading through the posts of others has helped me considerably. </div>
[QUOTE]mmhepb: After the first it's "been there, done that" - what's special or important about that? <font color="#ff0000">That's what we are ALL trying to tell you-- that this is NOT the case. <u>You</u> are imposing it on the situation. Unless HE has told you this, and I am wondering about that. </font>
Donna: <strong>Of course those "firsts" aren't as important as my fiance</strong>, but those firsts seem different than a person's first spouse, to me at least. <font color="#ff0000">Again, because this is a place where you and he differ, he has a first spouse and you don't, you are making up an imaginary emotion and imposing it upon him</font>
Also, it sounds like you are saying that because she is the mother of his children, her importance is paramount (maybe I'm reading that incorrectly? <font color="#ff0000">You are reading me incorrectly. I am saying that it is what it is, and you cannot change it, so you better learn to deal with it</font>). - he has said he would love our kids but would always pick his first children over ours. <font color="#ff0000">This is where I come to a screeching halt. He SAID this to you? Now maybe, as a guy, he doesn't do well with imaginary children. But before I took one more step with this man toward marrying him, I would hash this one out for sure. Every child deserves to be loved equally by both parents. (equal amounts, easily in different ways) Now he already loves his real kids, so maybe he cannot imagine loving more kids the same way--- but for him to put this in your head a whacka doodle. </font> Doesn't that inherently mean the kids we would have together are less special to him? This is hard for me, and I'm sorry - I can't help feeling like that. Maybe this makes me a bad person... that I would want our kids to be special to him like his first kids are because I know what an exceptional father he is? <font color="#ff0000">No, this would make you human, and anyone intending to become a mother should feel like this. </font>
Sue-n-Kevin: This makes me very sad to hear as well - I want him to love me more than he ever loved her.<font color="#ff0000">But WHEN? Are you unwilling to admit that at some point he loved her enough to marry her? You <u>cannot change his past.</u> Does he love you more today? Isn't it today that matters to you? I would guess that when he was an infant he only loved one woman, his mommy. His whole world revolved around her. He didn't want anything to do with any other women. Just his mommy. He adored her. But he grew up and NOW HE LOVES YOU. Can you not accept that he has changed? His love has changed? And that it is important to be the woman he loves today? </font> Posted by WIT2011[/QUOTE]
One last point. If you really are this hung up on this subject, you are in for a world of hurt of your own creating. For the third time-- my advice is to seek counseling. Just talking to your Fi is not going to fix this.
With one exception - <strong><u>if</u></strong> he is putting it into your head that he will never love you as much as he loved his xW, will never love your children like he loves hers, etc-- he's a sadistic SOB who you need to run like the wind from.
I've actually had two ceremonies with my DH--one was a non-legal ceremony, and then the legal one; about a year apart. Was the second one even with the same man, less important? Nope, to me, it was a process, not about a single moment in time. The process of us becoming a couple was several years long, all told, and we're still in that process now; learning about what we want as we age, when we retire, etc. You have all that to look forward to. Two different women in white dresses on two days years apart isn't the most important thing here. You should not only plan for a wedding, but for a marriage. The marriage is the end result of that ceremony called the wedding.
Truthfully, though, if you're this confused and doubtful about it, and you're sure you're using the correct terminology in the correct context, then you need to think about if you should actually marry this man.
And why do I keep having to write that this week? I think it's the third time this week alone that I've actually advised women to re-think their choices. Blah.
[QUOTE] And why do I keep having to write that this week? I think it's the third time this week alone that I've actually advised women to re-think their choices. Blah.
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]
It's the heat. Driving everyone crazy around here. I'm so ready to wake up and it not be over 85 degrees. And yes, I'm getting up before the sun come up!
I realize that may sound harsh (I am not trying to be rude, honestly), but if this is about the marriage and not the wedding (a lot of folks, men and women, don't give a rat's ass about wedding planning), I would back off of planning altogether. It seems that there may need to be a lot of conversations about your marriage and what you both want from the relationship.
Now, if this is about the wedding and not the marriage, maybe you should just take a break from planning. Spend a full week or two doing absolutely nothing wedding-related and see how you feel after that break.
Good luck!
I am sad that he doesn't seem to be helping you through these feelings. I hope that things are better once you can talk to him.
I learned a lot getting married so young and divorcing young. And I'm glad I learned those lessons or maybe I wouldn't be who I am today. But just because this is my second time does not make it any less special. And I hate planning for anything seriously I can't even plan a day I just go with the flow. So half the time I don't seem excited to make invites send them out do the favors. But that's because that stuff doesn't really matter. What matters is I'm going to spend the rest of my life with the person I love.
I'm sorry but I would seriously reconsider marrying this man. He has outright told you that your family is less important than his previous one, how are you going to live like that? Maybe you can, but I couldn't.
I do understand where your coming from, I had a hard time dealing with the fact that DH had a previous Fi (which is why I read these boards, even though this is not a second wedding for either of us). I worried he would always see me as what he settled for because he couldn't have her. In the end we had a long talk about it, which was hard but really helped. Maybe you two can talk it out, but again the part in bold would make me inclined to just walk away.
Walk away; walk away now. And not just because he actually said that, altho that is reason enough, but couple it with OP's feelings of inadequacy and there looks to be a recipe for disaster.
OP, at first I was thinking that this is just a problem with you and low self esteem, but if he actually uttered the bolded words to you, it's making me think that you just need to walk away from this guy.
[QUOTE]Goodness! I missed the part that Katy bolded! Walk away; walk away now. And not just because he actually said that, altho that is reason enough, but couple it with OP's feelings of inadequacy and there looks to be a recipe for disaster. OP, at first I was thinking that this is just a problem with you and low self esteem, but if he actually uttered the bolded words to you, it's making me think that you just need to walk away from this guy.
Posted by Marrin713[/QUOTE]
Agree. 100%
[QUOTE]he has said he would love our kids but would always pick his first children over ours. I'm sorry but I would seriously reconsider marrying this man. He has outright told you that your family is less important than his previous one, how are you going to live like that? Maybe you can, but I couldn't. I do understand where your coming from, I had a hard time dealing with the fact that DH had a previous Fi (which is why I read these boards, even though this is not a second wedding for either of us). I worried he would always see me as what he settled for because he couldn't have her. In the end we had a long talk about it, which was hard but really helped. Maybe you two can talk it out, but again the part in bold would make me inclined to just walk away.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]
Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.
I'm not typically one to say run now, but girl, RUN NOW!!! This is so far beyond not OK. If these words have come out of his mouth, he has some major issues and you should not be committing yourself to a man who is clearly not on the same page as you. Someone once told me that marriage is not 50-50, it is 100-100. To me it sounds like you're giving 100% and he is giving you 50%. I'm truly sorry you have to deal with this, but I honestly think you do need to deal with it and make some tough decisions sooner rather than later.
I am not going to tell you to stop planning, because I don't know you and am not in your situation.
Based on what he's told you about your children being second fiddle to his other children: huge red flag. Run, don't walk to an appointment for a serious talk with a professional.