Hmm, doubts?

zeke17us

So someone brought this topic up on my wedding month board and I thought Id bring it up here because I feel like doubts this time around are significantly related to the fact I dont want to end up down the same road as before.  

I have found myself questioning a lot of things lately and am having a tough time differentiating whether they are over things I dont want to deal with for the rest of my life or if I am just blowing them out of proportion because I want things to be perfect this time around. 

There is no doubt in my mind that this man loves me to death, and our situation is 100 times better than my last which was wrong in so many ways, however this one has its moments, nothing serious but theyre there.

I can level myself out when I remind myself that there is no perfect situation, however I tend to find myself circling back around, over and over. 

When I went through my divorce I saw a therapist who showed me that I was very bad about ioring my gut feelings, which I realized was exactly true...this time around I cant tell if its gut feelings or incessent fear of failing at this go around

I guess Im just wondering if anyone has experience with this or if I am completely falling of my rocker. I question it so often that that Im thinking about going to see someone again to get my head straight

Lisa50

The veterans on the board will suggest you read the "It's Normal" stickie at the top of the page.  As I understand it, the core of that post has been around for quite a while with good tidbits of wisdom.

I understand feeling doubtful.  As a person who, for a living (in a past career), had to plan worst-case scenarios, I have to take care to make sure my penchant for being extra careful doesn't overtake me.  Would it help to list out your doubts, one-by-one?  Would it help to get yourself to a therapist in short order?

Time with my fiance has helped abate doubts.  We have been though so many life changes together that I now have full confidence in my choice of my life's mate.  That confidence did not kick in overnight.  The bottom line is, though, no one can tell the future.  We'll head there together, with lessons learned from the past.

Best of luck!

right1thistime

What's a doubt?  Is it, "I wonder if I can stand to listen to him gargle like that every day for the rest of my life"?  or is it "I don't think I can put up with someone who demeans me in front of his golf buddies every dang time for the rest of my life."?

Is it, am I settling for some one less good looking, successful, ambitious, educated, than I would like?  Or is it, am I settling for some one less kind, compassionate, generous, well mannered than I would like? 

Is it values?  Or minutiae? To me, that's key information.  ~Donna

flower_diva

time to go back to the therapist for a few visits

IslandBeachBride

I have to agree, a few sessions might be the biggest help to & for you.  Dont walk down that isle 2nd guessing yourself, because you are setting up to fail. You have to be sure this is what you want, this is the right person and the right move.  It may be that everything is right but the timing is wrong.  If your gut is telling you to seek help - Listen.

PhoenixMama

Counseling is the biggest godsend in the world.

I can say this... This will actually be my 3rd trip "down the aisle"... I had those doubts while planning a wedding with both of my ex's.  And like the wise Donna pointed out... the were not insignificant... it was the, "can I put up with him discounting my feelings for the rest of my life?  can I put up with him never allowing me to ever have a say on where anything goes in the house or what to buy at the grocery store?" (yeah, I was with super control abusive not so nice people, I wasted 2 years of my life being told what I was allowed to eat.)

Doubts are there for a reason.  It could be something small and fixable... but every single time your gut is telling you a doubt, through my experience, it is a damn good thing to listen to it.  If nothing else reason it out with a counselor, a trusted friend, etc.  Someone who will be HONEST with you, and not gloss over it to spare your feelings or whatever... doubts about marriage need to be examined.

Good luck in sorting out your feelings.  It's never an easy road... but well worth it to face emotions head on.

jdrose5

Some doubts are normal.   I had doubts when I married my late DH.   They were "are we ready for this, are we too young..."  I was 18 he was 21.   We had a good life together.  We had our ups and downs over the 15 years we were married.  But I think it is natural to have those doubts esp given our ages.  I wouldn't trade that time I had with him or our life together for the world.  There were a few times I wished we had waited till we were older to get married but after I lost him I was so thankful  that we did marry young. 

My doubts with my FI I also feel are normal.  I keep thinking "What if something happened to him, I don't think I can live through losing someone again."  That has plagued me since we started dating. I was afraid of falling in love with him at all because of it.  Now I realize that losing him be it we split up or he were to pass away would be hard either way.  So I am not going to risk our relationship based on fear. 

Now like others said if the doubts are "he doesn't treat me well" or he does this one thing that really irks me and it is a big deal.  Then listen.  If it is a small thing then it is normal.  

I did read the sticky and that was awesome.  I didn't realize how many applied to me till I saw them in black and white.

right1thistime

Just to add, the doubts are perfectly normal.  We all know that what we vowed to have/ do / be/ get/ give/ receive the first time didn't end up that way. We know that a marriage that is vibrant and thriving can die or that a marriage that is weak and struggling can wither, or that our brains are capable of convincing us that something big and wrong is small and insignificant.   I agree with talking about it with a therapist would be helpful.  Its not the doubts that are the problem, its the problem that brings about the doubts that are the problem.  Give your little voice the courtesy of listening to it, giving it some air time, and if appropriate-- put the concerns to rest.  ~Donna