I'm so upset!

hunnysweet

Hi again, everyone.I posted a few weeks ago after I got engaged.  I thought getting married would be exciting, but it's just turning into a nightmare.  My parents are furious, his kids are being jerks - don't they realize we are IN LOVE and that's all that matters?  Why can't they all just be happy for us?
My parents are worried I am making a mistake.  I think they're just mad because FI has been married twice before and all their church friends will be looking sideways at them.  They don't care about my happiness at all, just about how things look to their friends.
I've been crying all week.....

handfast4me

Sorry I missed your earlier post.  We have so many women who pop in, and then we never hear from them again, that I've stopped responding to the "first" posts unless it's asking for advice.  My apologies. 

So, Hunny, what is it about him that they don't approve in that they think you're making a mistake?   

hunnysweet

Well, I guess it's because he's been married twice before he's a bit older than me.  They and their church friends think you should be married just once in your lifetime.  I guess they don't believe anyone can make a mistake in marriage and try to do better the next time.  My FI told me his two wives were crazy, though, and he only married them because he thought he could help them and only got divorced after he realized there was no helping them.  He says now he knows to marry someone stable and not try to fix them. But my parents don't want to hear any of the good stuff about him, they only focus on the negatives!

Kathy Powell

OMG, I'm going through the same thing - sort of.  My 2nd marriage, too, and my parents are not supportive at all, trying to convince me to just have a small wedding.  They're truly embarassed and feel that people will think it's tacky to have a 2nd wedding.  BUT, it's my fiance's 1st wedding, so that's not fair to him.  I just wish they'd butt out and be happy for me!  I know tons of people that have 2nd weddings and invite people - not just some courthouse thing.  Families are really hard to deal with.  I know my parents want the best for me, but we've been together for 4 years - we should be able to do what we want.  I feel they're being selfish and it's ruining our planning experience.  You hang in there - I hate to say it, but I guess I'm glad to know there's other girls out there going through the same thing.  IT SUCKS!

right1thistime

How old are you?  How old is he?  How long since he's been divorced?  How old are his kids?   Lots of questions before I can give you solid advice. ~Donna

snowbunnymeg

*hugs*

I'm getting married 9-25, and it will be my 3rd marriage... my fiance's 2nd. His family has a lot of concerns about me BECAUSE it's my 3rd marriage.

The first time I got married, I was 18 and ran away to California to be with a boy in the Army who I wasn't even in love with. I was young, and I was stupid, and I just wanted to be in charge of my own life. We split up a couple of years later. The 2nd time, I rushed right into it; I had known the guy a mere 4 months when we got married, and we divorced less than 6 months later when he pulled a Jekyll and Hyde on me. Threw my cat through a window, got hooked on pills, was cold and distant, devoted his sole attention to his job for 80+ hrs/wk, yadda yadda, etc. Not a good guy.

My fiance's ex-wife also went a little batty... changed her name to James, shaved her head, became a nudist... etc. I know all of these things because I actually know her personally. She changed a LOT from when they got married.

People will have their doubts. That's just people for ya. It's to be expected. What matters is your love for each other! And you know what? I know you'll prove them all wrong by having the best, healthiest relationship ever. Let your family's church friends judge you. They'll have to answer for it in the end... just hold your head up high and enjoy the best day of your life

hunnysweet

You guys are too nice.  It's so nice to know I'm not the only one in this type of situation.  My FI has been divorced since 2007.  He's 42, I'm 22.  He says he was attracted to me because it's rare to see such a level of maturity in a 22 year old.  But I really think my parents just object to the fact that he is twice divoced.

NJ Jen

I'm more than a little concerned about the way you talk about his children, and the combination of that plus your age, and the way he celebrates your maturity.

hunnysweet

Well, like I said, everyone knows I'm very mature.  And his kids are being jerks.  They're old enough to see that I make their father happy, and they should be glad about that instead of always making snide comments to me.

trueloveatlast

Oh. c'mon, this has to be MUD.  A twenty year age diference, and he's attracted to her level of maturity?  This guy's last name isn't Peterson, is it?  Give me a break...

handfast4me

I don't know about the MUD--maybe.  But I actually dated a 30 year old when I was 18.  ONCE.  I figured out he had issues from that one date. 

I do have concerns about the age, though.  I worry about the other end.  If he's 70, and you're 50, you're going to make a fairly young widow.  Wait, maybe that IS the way to do it!  LOL.  Of course, I did it the opposite direction.  He's 9 years younger than me.  But I did date one guy was even 8 years younger than DH before he and I met.  He wanted kids, though, and I am done with that portion of my life.  So I ended it. 

Have you sat down with your parents to really figure out what they're concerns are, or are you just guessing?  I've said this many times, but the science indicates that a human brain is not fully developed until the age of 25.  I would urge anyone NOT to get married until that age.  Not that it's a guarantee, but it's a good start. 

ark83

This may be hard to hear, but your parent's probably have a valid concern if he is twenty years older, he has been divorced twice (though those things do happen), and he has children. How old are his children? If they are young, maybe they are upset because they want their mother. If they are older, they may be looking at your age being the problem. No matter what though, you need to understand that his kids should be his main priority. You may not always like them or agree with them, but they are number one in his life.

nmauser82

honestly, I don't think its the fact that he has been divorced. This man is almost twice as old as you. That, is why your parents do not approve. You are still very young even though you and he see yourself as mature. Your parents still see you as a child reguardless of your maturity level and they see him as a Man, a big scary man who has come to take their daughter away. Naturally they are suspicious of someone who is interested in someone so much younger than himself. It doesn't matter that you are in love, they are concerned about you. They are doing their jobs as parents to look out for you. And come on, you have to admit that its a little strange that he is probably very close in age to your own parents. You have to admit that it must be weird for them. 

And not to mention what his kids must be thinking. I don't know how old they are but I remember when my parent's got divorced. I was 14 when my dad brought home his first girlfriend. When he introduced us, I slammed my bedroom door in her face because I didn't want to deal with the idea of him with someone else. And she was close to his age. I can't image how I would have responded if he had brought home some young (mature) girl who was only a few years older than I was. I can say that I definitely would not have been supportive of that union.

I don't really have any advice other than to just try to see things from their points of view.