Feeling like FI is getting slighted?

SoSaysTara

As I posted in the intros thread, this is my second wedding, but it's only the first one for FI.

Background: I first got married in 2006 when I was 20.  Married for 2 years to the most controlling, demanding, pigheaded man who I let take away my sense of self and power. Divorced in 2008.  Met FI in January 2009.  Engaged almost 2 years later at Christmas 2010. Planning a June 2012 wedding.

When FI first proposed, I wanted us to plan a destination wedding where we ran off to Jamaica or somewhere and came back married.  FI expressed repeatedly that he just could not do that and that he wanted the big, white wedding with all of his family and friends there.  Although he's not really "into" the details, he just wants to have the experience--and that's his right!! So, I decided it was time to get excited about the big, white wedding.

Now, my parents paid beaucoup bucks for my first wedding.  Obviously, they are not paying for this wedding.. FI and I will be paying for it ourselves.  I just can't shake the feeling that I "wasted" the paid-for wedding on EX instead of waiting for the man who really IS so perfect for me.  I also feel bad sometimes that all of these experiences (planning a wedding, buying a house, etc) are not new for me. I've done it all before.  I try really hard to be super excited about the newness of it with this fantastic man, but the only thing I can really get excited about is just eventually being married to FI.  FI reassures me that it's okay that we have to pay for it, and that it's like a bonus that I already know the ropes of planning a wedding and buying a house.. but I don't know.. I just don't see it I guess?

How do you deal with the shoulda-woulda-couldas?  How do you get excited about it even though you kinda feel like 'been there, done that'? 

MikesAngie

Congratulations and welcome!!

You need to read the post - "It's Normal".

No one has a crystal ball, and you have now gained experience on the how to's.  Be excited that you found love again and that he is the one!!  Also take the "second marriage" issue out of the equation as this is your FIRST marriage to HIM!!

Allow yourself to get excited about discovering this all anew with him - and use your experience to move forward and do the things you want and can afford.

Sue-n-Kevin

I have the opposite problem. I am planning my FIRST wedding and my fiance has been married twice before. But, I must admit, he feigns happiness and interest pretty well, but this is the first big wedding he's had, the other 2 were quickies, LOL (when he was overseas and a lonely Air Force member).

As the prior posters have said, this is a new wedding for YOU and his first. It sounds like maybe you have "wedding fatigue", from having done all the drudgery before, but not looking at it like it's fun. I find this very fun, and I suspect I would even if it were not my first. But then, I like planning parties, LOL........ just ask my 2 kids who have had some big parties, and my parents who have had a 25th and 50th anniversary planned by me.

Maybe pace yourself as many of us do.......... book the vendors you need right away, then take a break until you have to make more decisions. NO wedding is the be-all and end-all of life, and walk away from time to time when you have "wedding fatigue".

You could also do what non-type A personalities do and delegate some of it to your fiance since it's his dream more than yours.

SoSaysTara

I think a lot of it for me is that I majorly overplanned my first wedding.  Every damn detail.  And it was MAJOR drama for everyone.  So many arguments.  I'm surprised I didn't lose any friends/make any enemies.

But, this is going to be the MOST drama-free wedding of the century.  Relaxation, fun, etc. 

2dBride

I have to say, I'm in a similar position to you:  My second wedding was to someone who had never been married before, and we paid for the wedding ourselves.  But my second wedding also ended up being more fun than the first one.  I was 56 on our wedding day, and NotFroofy was 41.  We planned exactly the wedding that the two of us wanted, without being intimidated by what "should" happen at a wedding.  And at our ages, we didn't have any older relatives trying to force their ideas on us.  Instead, we had a loving circle of family and friends who volunteered for everything from set-up and clean-up to videotaping the ceremony.  When little things went wrong, neither of us stressed over them, because we understood that the marriage is much more important than a wedding.  Over a year later, our friends are still commenting on how much fun our wedding was.