Anyone marrying a widower?

vexie

Hello ladies,

I'm just curious to know if anyone else is marrying a widower...  if so I'd love to chat with you to see if anyone else is noticing more guilt and grief appearing as we get closer and closer to the big day (4 weeks this staurday!!)   I need to hear how others are coping and to make sure that I'm not alone in this.

Thanks!

mmhepb

My BF is a widower.  Since we are NEY, I don't have any knowledge of what things will be like in the weeks before our wedding.  I have noticed that there are some times of the year and events that cause BF to display more sadness.  Special dates they shared leave him a little somber.  He worries when I take long car trips because that's how he lost his 1st wife.  But those things will always be there, and you just have to love each other through them.

I too would be interested to hear from anyone that has gone through this before, or any widows that have advice on how they would want their SO to react.  I understand that everyone is different, but it's always good to hear the ideas of others.

DenyseS

I am a widow and I felt more grief than I had been both when I began to get serious with my fiancee and when we got engaged. It's intensified as I begin to plan our wedding. Of course there were a couple of things adding to that in the last few months the Anny of his death, his birthday, and today we would have been married eight years. So I am not sure how much is getting married again and how much is the other stuff. It's hard to explain. I love my FI and can't wait to marry him but I've always felt like I was still kind of married that makes for a lot of guilt. A part of me will always love my husband and I am very conscious of what that may make my FI feel. My husband never wanted anything more than for me to be happy so I know he would approve. From what I have read on my widow boards all this is normal and may get a little worse before it gets better. For what it's worth I know many widows that went on to have long happy marriages. If y'all have any questions I would be happy to answer them. The thing that helps the most is my FI is very understanding and is always willing to listen when I need to talk. I also lost my husband in a car accident so I am very weird about when I know my FI is on the road. If he's the least bit late I start calling. I am sure it tries his patience at times. My biggest fear is losing him too. I will never be the blissfully innocent person I was before all this happened. I would love to hear yalls perspective about what is like to be the one marrying a person who lost thier spouse.

mmhepb

I'm very open to talking about BF's 1st wife, but he doesn't talk a lot about her.  I have actually known her family longer than I've known BF.  Her brother/BF's BIL is my daughter's gymnastics coach/gym owner, so that's how I've gotten to know the family.  

 

One question, what is the proper term for her family.  Are they still "In-Laws"?  I'm not sure how that would work once we are married since then I guess he would have 2 sets of In-Laws.

BTW, my daughter is kinda excited that her coach will someday be her uncle-in-law to hear her tell it 

DenyseS

In Response to Re: Anyone marrying a widower?:
[QUOTE. It's other people who annoy me....the ones who think I'm nuts for having the audacity to talk about him now that I'm remarried. Some people think you should just forget about that person (rolls eyes).
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

That would really make me mad....no one but my mom thinks it is weird when I talk about my late husband. She doesn't really think it is weird though, more like she is just still uncofortable with it.

DenyseS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_anyone-marrying-widower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:82275798-2be5-4be8-b545-74c4dfd251bcPost:a9efac05-6c5b-49a4-af4c-60ff2c1d68c2">Re: Anyone marrying a widower?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm very open to talking about BF's 1st wife, but he doesn't talk a lot about her.  I have actually known her family longer than I've known BF.  Her brother/BF's BIL is my daughter's gymnastics coach/gym owner, so that's how I've gotten to know the family.     One question, what is the proper term for her family.  Are they still "In-Laws"?  I'm not sure how that would work once we are married since then I guess he would have 2 sets of In-Laws. BTW, my daughter is kinda excited that her coach will someday be her uncle-in-law to hear her tell it 
Posted by mmhepb[/QUOTE]

I go through phases where I talk a good bit about him at times and other times I may go a long time without mentioning it at all. I am pretty concious that it may not be my FI's fav topic.  things like selling the house (which I am doing now) we bought together and things like that trigger it for me.  My FI never brings it up to me unless I am being crazy about something.  I have been known to get pretty mad if he is late and doesn't call or doesn't answer his phone.  That gets better the longer we are together.  I'm also pretty adamant about maintenance on our cars etc.  I know that occasionally makes my FI a little nuts :)

I'm not sure about the inlaw thing myself, I still refer to my husband's parents as my in-laws.  Referring to him as my husband also.  This has earned me some strange looks.  When I slip up like that only my close friends and family know what I am talking about.  Lately I have tried to remind myself just to use thier names as people close to me also know who they are. Of course when talking to my FI about him or his family I just use thier names.  I don't like the term late husband but I have been reminding myself lately to use that term when the subject comes up with people who may not know me as well. 

When he was alive I was never very close with his mother but I was and still am with his brother so in some way I will always consider him family.  It really doesn't come up a lot though as I only talk to his mother about twice a year.

My friends still refer to his family as my in laws at times but more more often than not just refer to them as (his name) family.

I imagine some of these things will change as time goes on and once I remarry.  I still have the same set of really close friends I did then so it is kind of emtional for us all. Although they love my FI as much as I do and are very happy and excited for me.

Really the only thing that bugs me when it comes up is if people refer to him as my ex husband or his family as my ex inlaw's as we did not divorce.

Also business people still refer to me as Mrs.xxx which weirds me out a tiny bit.

Whatever bothers people would also vary by how long it has been.  It has been three years for me.  I can see myself probably being a little less bothered by anything in general if it had been 10 years or whatever.

Hays2be

My FI is a widower and I'm seeing--not so much guilt as anxiety.  He's selling the house they lived in and moving into mine (which has no connection to my ex)  He's brought some of her stuff here and I've displayed some of it.  It's MNS, but if it helps him, then I can live with it.

It's been eight years for him.  He talks about her and lets me talk about my ex.  If we didn't, we'd have to eliminate 15 and 20 years of our lives, and that's just not healthy.

DenyseS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_anyone-marrying-widower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:82275798-2be5-4be8-b545-74c4dfd251bcPost:e677465d-cf2e-4c77-ada9-12f08deeaf32">Re: Anyone marrying a widower?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI is a widower and I'm seeing--not so much guilt as anxiety.  He's selling the house they lived in and moving into mine (which has no connection to my ex)  He's brought some of her stuff here and I've displayed some of it. Posted by Hays2be[/QUOTE]

If you don't mind my aking how did you feel about some of her things being there  and displaying it?  I am also selling the house me and my late hubby lived and moving to my FI as he is the only one who has ever lived there.  My daughter is not liking the idea (she was not my husband's biologically but he raised for as long as she can remember).  I am only bringing the furniture that I recently bought on my own but I was planning to bring pics.  So far they are still in boxes.  I feel a little odd about displaying them.  My FI says I can do what I need to and my daughter would like me to display them also but something about me feels a little strange about it.

mmhepb

Denyse **Hugs** 

Thanks for sharing.  I can't imagine the emotions you are going through.  Much of what you said reminds me of my BF.  Especially the car thing.  He is always asking about my brakes and power steering fluid and such, which I thought was just a guy thing.  But it makes more sense now.  

His wife has been gone for almost 13 years.  They had only been married a year when she passed, so he had so little time with her.  I think that's what makes me the most sad.

I pray you will find comfort and strength from your FI and God as you work through moving and transitioning into your new marriage.

vexie

Thank you SOO much ladies for sharing!  My FI lost his wife just over three years ago. We've been together two and it's been a long journey through his grief.  I know he loves me deeply and I never doubt his desire to marry me, however there are times when I feel like the booby-prize, if you know what I mean.  This past weekend was a tough one... it was mother's day plus it would have been their 9'th anniversary.  Most days I can be really supportive and understanding, however every once in a while I find myself getting sad when I realize that I'll have to share every holiday with 'her'.  Mother's Day we took the girls to the cemetary to give her a card... I stayed in the card to allow them time alone with their emotions and I was really surprised and the emotions that I experienced at the same time.

*sigh*  I love him so much and I know it's worth the harder times to be with him... but somedays it's a little too hard you know?.

You ladies that are ok with displaying the late-wife's things are just amazing to me!!!

thanks again!

DenyseS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_anyone-marrying-widower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:82275798-2be5-4be8-b545-74c4dfd251bcPost:ee7b22af-2ac1-4c66-9999-1975809161ce">Re: Anyone marrying a widower?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you SOO much ladies for sharing!  My FI lost his wife just over three years ago. We've been together two and it's been a long journey through his grief.  I know he loves me deeply and I never doubt his desire to marry me, however there are times when I feel like the booby-prize, if you know what I mean.  This past weekend was a tough one... it was mother's day plus it would have been their 9'th anniversary.  Most days I can be really supportive and understanding, however every once in a while I find myself getting sad when I realize that I'll have to share every holiday with 'her'.  Mother's Day we took the girls to the cemetary to give her a card... I stayed in the card to allow them time alone with their emotions and I was really surprised and the emotions that I experienced at the same time. *sigh*  I love him so much and I know it's worth the harder times to be with him... but somedays it's a little too hard you know?. You ladies that are ok with displaying the late-wife's things are just amazing to me!!! thanks again!
Posted by vexie[/QUOTE]



I seem to be at the same place your FI is.  It's been three years for me and yesterday would have been our 8th anny.  Sometimes I am scared my FI may feel the same way you do.  I try to explain to him how I can love them both.  At first I tried to spare him the most horrible details of the year after and how that affected everything down to the person I am now but for some reason he wanted to hear about it.  I think perhaps he thought it gave him insight.

I can kind of understand what you and my FI must be feeling at times.  I tried to date a fellow widower when I first started dating and his grief in addition to mine was too much.  It felt like there were always 4 people in the room.  I sometimes wonder if my FI feels like there are 3 people in this relationship.

I never want him to feel like he is my conolation prize or what not. I am thankfull every day that I found love again when I thought I could not posibly.  I can say this, if somehow my husband were able to walk back in the door tommorow I would still want to be with my FI.  As much as I deeply loved my late husband I am a very different person than I was then.  The whole experience changes you. Apperently from talking to my friends who are widowed and recoupled that is also a common feeling.

I have no idea if any of that helped but I hope it did.  Reading your post gave me a little insight of what it is like to be on my FI side of the fence.

Hays2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_anyone-marrying-widower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:82275798-2be5-4be8-b545-74c4dfd251bcPost:520bddad-ff90-4230-85b4-0c426de0acde">Re: Anyone marrying a widower?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Anyone marrying a widower? : If you don't mind my aking how did you feel about some of her things being there  and displaying it?  I am also selling the house me and my late hubby lived and moving to my FI as he is the only one who has ever lived there.  My daughter is not liking the idea (she was not my husband's biologically but he raised for as long as she can remember).  I am only bringing the furniture that I recently bought on my own but I was planning to bring pics.  So far they are still in boxes.  I feel a little odd about displaying them.  My FI says I can do what I need to and my daughter would like me to display them also but something about me feels a little strange about it.
Posted by DenyseS[/QUOTE]

I kind of drew a line without really telling him.  Some things made me uncomfortable--there's a box of her clothes in the attic.   I didn't want her furniture--it was huge and wouldn't fit my house.  What I have displayed is a silk flower arrangement.  He has a couple more, but they are packed for his move and haven't come out yet. He has this huge wooden box (almost like a tackle box) that he made for her--it's here and it's gorgeous--it will be out somewhere.

I just have to realize that she's a part of his past, just like the ex was a part of mine. I have to let him have her still and it's not a real problem for me.  It would be inexcusable for either of us to tell the other "no reminders" when we both have children from the marriages.

hccpsu

I married a widower.  I didn't really feel he was more sad or anxious as our wedding approached, but my husband is also pretty private with his emotions.

He sold the house he had purchased with her, and while I thought there might be some sadness there, I think he was ready to move on.  That house wouldn't have fit all our stuff, and he said even it if had, it wouldn't be fair to ask another woman to live there.  We still have many items from their house in our house, like the living room furniture and some pictures.  She comes up in conversation every so often as well, and I don't have a problem with that.

The anniversary of her death was last month, and I was never sure if I should say anything to him on anniversaries/her birthday, so I asked him.  I said, "I know you think about her every day [he told me once that he did], and I wondered, when it's a day like a couple weeks ago, the anniversary of her death, I'm not sure if I should say anything to you."  He said he didn't want me to, because while he does think of her, sometimes he doesn't realize the date, and doesn't want to be reminded.

He told me once that because he was happy with me, he could think of her more often with happiness--for a long time he just wouldn't think about her because it was painful.

I refer to her family as his "former in-laws," because that's what they are--my parents are the in-laws now.  We invited them to our wedding, and while I encouraged him to stay in contact with them afterwards, I think all he's done is send an email or two.

Avion22

Wow, what a great thread.  I'm also a widow, and it's amazing to read about other widows, or brides/wives of widowers.

I don't really have anything else to add to the thread, except that I think we've all hit the nail on the head when it comes to emotions surrounding remarrying after losing a spouse (or marrying a widow/widower).

There's a really great article about being married to a widower, written by a columnist for Slate, an online magazine of the Washington Post.  Here's the link if anyone wants to read it:  http://www.slate.com/id/2292956/

jdrose5

I am a widow, and It is nice to know I am not alone.   I felt a little sad yesterday when FI and I went out with my kids to celebrate our engagement. 

I got sad when the kids started asking when we were going to get married and gave dates they want us to avoid.  Dates  that were out to me any way but hearing them mention them made me sad.  

Things like they don't want Mid June, that is father's day and their daddy's birthday.   Late August was when we got married.  Early October was the time he died.  

Thankfully my FI understands.   We have talked about my late husband's stuff.  He doesn't want me to get rid of anything that I still have.   We agreed that our house can't be a shrine to my late husband but for the kid's sake I can't just remove all evidence of him either.   So the goal is to strike a balance between the 2.   I have his piano in my livingroom and it will be in the living room of our house when we move in together.   I have a canvas of my kids and DH that I had made before he died.   We are going to put it up with other pictures of the kids and picture of us, and family memebers.  It won't be a centerpeice but it won't be taken down.  

I feel grateful that my FI knows it is important to me that my kids know who their father is and that I am not trying to replace him.  Of course my kids were 1-13 when their dad died.