Second wedding with teenage kids

irishkatie

Question - my FI's kids are 14 and 16 (girl & boy respectively) and they are pretty quiet kids that are fairly sheltered. They are great kids and we all get along wonderfully but the split between their parents hurt them deeply so Fi and I have been slow and careful about our relationship. For example, we just recently (in the last 6 months) have started holding hands in front of them, giving each other a peck on the cheek or a hug,  and we have been openly dating to them for 2 1/2 years. 

So my question - since this is our second wedding, I am not having a wedding party and the kids will be guests as everyone else, but with a special flower/boutonniere and sitting in the front row.  (They would HATE the attention of being part of the ceremony but we’ll still ask if they would like to do a reading or be at the alter with us – the answer undoubtedly will be a no.  I would be thrilled and welcome it if they DID want to be a part of it.  It’s not they are opposed, they are just super shy)  We are having a very adult reception that is going to have a 'clubby' feel.  I am thinking after the ceremony we should go somewhere with the kids and our parents for a small meal and then they should be brought home. They would be VERY uncomfortable with the hugging, kissing, toasts and drinking that would go on at the reception. 

 

What do you think of this idea? Should we do something with them in between like I said?   Should we feel obligated to do anything with them at all? Should they just go to the reception and deal with it? I don’t want them to the feel excluded on that day as we all really care about each other and get along great, but I also do not want them to be uncomfortable and FI and I don’t want to be worrying about If they’re ok that night and be monitoring and watching what we say and do.  (FI and I have talked about this and neither of us can come up with anything. We share the same feeling of not know what to do with them)

 

Thoughts?

right1thistime

If your profile is correct, you aren't getting married for another 18 months, so they will be that much older.  At 16 & 18, to me, they should be invited to the reception gathering.  I would have a heart to heart with them (4-6 months before the wedding, not sooner) and ask them what they would like.  A private dinner and then go home sounds nice, but it does feel like you are excluding them.  Will there be relatives that they enjoy being with there?  Close family friends?  It's not like they will need you to entertain them at their ages.  Since you state that they were hurt by their parents breakup, I would be very cautious to include them as much as they want, so that this new change doesn't feel like their father is leaving them behind.  ~Donna

Lisa50

My thoughts are summed up with "Wow!" 

I cannot imagine that a 15/16 and 17/18 year old (by the time you get married) would be so uncomfortable with hugs and kisses between 2 loving adults that they should be excluded from their father's wedding reception.  I agree with Donna, ask them what they would like.  Unless you're going to have strippers and gambling at the reception, they should be invited.  Just my $0.02.

irishkatie

I guess I should have mentioned his son as Aspergers so he is extremely awkward and uncomfortible in social settings. Their mom takes them to a church where drinking is forbidden so that was the other thing we were worried about.

Anyway, thanks for the advice and to the **My thoughts are summed up with "Wow!" ** - sorry - I guess I didn't explain myself very well. I LOVE his kids and they are wonderful and I want them to enjoy the day as much as we are... but in their own way. I was more looking for different ideas on how to subtly include them and other ideas if they opt for not going to the reception.

mmhepb

I have a teen and a preteen, and we asked them how involved they want to be.  Just talk to them.  They can tell you if they want to sit in the front, stand with you, go to the reception, or go to a friend's house after the ceremony.  

As almost adults they should have the option of coming or not, just like all others on your guest list.  Just make it clear that you want them there (especially the ceremony) but also value their opinions on what they are comfortable with.

MikesAngie

I was waiting to put my two cents in.  

My DSD was 17 when we got married, she stood with her Dad and recited a poem.  She is now 18, very shy and can be socially awkward as well.  Her bio-mom is an alcoholic and not present in her life at this time. Our DD did not have any issues with those who drank at our wedding reception.  

We also have a developmentally delayed nephew due to severe eplipsey, and he had a ball at our reception until he had a seisure. He will be 18 next month.  We also had our 10 year old nephew who is the 1/2 brother to the one who is developmentally delayed and two of the DSD's friends. 

We actually put all the "kids" at one table and they all had a blast. 

During our planning process we included the DSD on decisions that would affect her too, and it worked out very well. So talk with them and ask them what they would like to do and how involved that they would want to be. 

squarepeg72

Ask the children about how involved they want to be. I have three (18,13, and 8 right now) and they are a huge help with the planning and  decision making. My oldest is my MOH, the middle one (the boy) is walking me down the aisle and my baby girl is one of the flower girls. We are having a more family centered, kid friendly reception with no alcohol. Let t hem tell you thave heir level of comfort and then a back-up plan if things need to change.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_second-wedding-teenage-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:8f824830-e983-462d-a024-8bc67da9c1e4Post:86f37d2a-dd14-491a-b39d-0991f3beb41e">Re: Second wedding with teenage kids</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I should have mentioned his son as Aspergers so he is extremely awkward and uncomfortible in social settings. Their mom takes them to a church where drinking is forbidden so that was the other thing we were worried about. Anyway, thanks for the advice and to the **My thoughts are summed up with "Wow!" ** - sorry - I guess I didn't explain myself very well. I LOVE his kids and they are wonderful and I want them to enjoy the day as much as we are... but in their own way. I was more looking for different ideas on how to subtly include them and other ideas if they opt for not going to the reception.
Posted by irishkatie[/QUOTE]

As a martial arts teacher, I have worked with kids all along the Aspberger's/Autism spectrum.  So, I am somewhat familiar with your challenge (thanks for the explanation, that helps).  I think I'd go back to Donna's suggestion and wait until you're closer to the wedding date. I wish you the very best!

right1thistime

Retread - my kids were a bit younger (14/16), and they had a bunch of similar aged cousins with them, but we had a "teen table" with pitchers of soda, and special snacks which was available to any of the teens.  They could sit there or stay with their parents. My kids could have sat there or sat with their grandmother and uncle.  They all sat at the teen table and had a blast.  So I think that there are a lot of variables in whether they will sit at a special table or not. 

lindaloulubbock

I think you should wait until closer to the time and then ask them how they'd like to be involved. 

This is just my opinion, but I also think you should think very seriously about hosting a reception where your stepchildren would be comfortable.  I firmly believe that marriage is a commitment between two consenting adults.  I don't believe in the over-involvement of children in their parents remarriages.  However, I would never, ever have a wedding/reception where my children wouldn't be comfortable.  I think it sends a clear message to them and to the rest of your friends and family that they are not a priority in your life.  Again, just my opinion.

shytownkelly

Others have given good advice about the wedding - but I want to ask a very blunt question -

You've been with him for 2 1/2 years and you are only now holding hands and showing other signs of affection in front of them? 

I understand taking it slow but that just feels odd to me.  If you are this tenative in front of them for simple things like that - are you sure they are truly ok with your marriage? 

Maybe it is just how I read your post, but that strikes me as a potential concern.   I mean if they are sheltered so much that you've not held hands for this long - how will they adjust to the fact that you'll be sharing a bedroom? 

Or am I just off kilter on this one?

Jells2dot0

I am not trying to pry, but I have to ask: are you assuming they are not going to take well to the wedding and your affection toward one another as husband and wife or have they outwardly said they are opposed to it and/or showed negativity around it? I have two soon to be stepdaughters- they were 14 and 11 when my FH and I met, now 19 and 16. It was very tricky the first two years to figure out what was going through their heads, but as I soon found out by just asking, one would have pushed us down the aisle years ago and one would have rather pushed me off of the roof! I agree with what the others are saying- wait awhile and then- together- ask how much they would like to participate and tell them how much you want them to be a part of your lives together. I do understand about wanting a more adult reception, but you can always have them be a part of it for the first two hours or so, then have them go home with family after the long and emotional day.

MikesAngie

Retread I normally tend to side with you, but my DSD wanted her own table with her cousins and friends seated with her.  So that is why they were seated closer to the dance floor where they spent much of the night and together because that how they wanted to hang out any way.  They had  a blast, and having their own table also allowed them to be able to sneak out and decorate our car - which was fun for all. 

irishkatie

Thanks for all the posts and great ideas! The bio date is wrong - we haven't picked a date so I randomly put somehting in there. We are narrowing it down to next Spring/Summer (2013 - not 2013) LOL

His kids would be the only kids at the reception so that was the other factor we are considering. They won't dance or mingle but I really like the idea of having them there for the first few hours - whoever said that - thanks! Also, we plan on talking to them. That is our first and foremost priority and we will honor whatever they would like but I wanted to go in prepared with some ideas to offer them. 

And yes - we are very worried about their reaction to us getting married. I am hoping to be pleasantly surprised but it has been a long and tough road for them and I just really want to be sensitive to that!

Thanks for all teh great feedback! WOMEN RULE!