Who says this to a child?? Vent! Long-ish. Sorry.

radleyboo

This past weekend, my Mom, FMIL and I took DD to pick out her Flower Girl Dress for our wedding in June.  We made a big fuss over her because we want all of the kids to feel special and involved with the wedding, as it's not just about FI and myself, but our family.  DD found a beautiful dress at David's Bridal, the staff did great and allowed her to ring the bell and get cheers as she said 'Yes to her Dress'.  It was very exciting and she was thrilled.

FMIL took a little cell phone video of the moment and posted it on FB, tagging me.  I'm so glad she did, it's darling and the look on DD's face is priceless.  Huge smiles!  I am FB friends with my exH's fiancee, and many of his family members too.  There were some very nice comments on the video, and the exH's family has been largely supportive of our new relationships as they know it's best for the kids.  I'm very lucky in that respect. 

DD spent the last 2 days at exH's house and when she came back home last night, I asked her what exH's Fiancee and her Step-Sisters thought of her dress.  She said, "The girls thought it was very pretty, but Fiancee said it was 'Silly and Ridiculous'!'  Silly and ridiculous?  I simply cannot wrap my mind around why any adult would say something so negative to a 5 year old little girl who is obviously so excited.  DD seems to be ok, she's taking it in stride, but I'm not sure how to handle this.

The children will come home and mention negative and derrogatory things that are said by exH and his Fiancee from time to time.  Most of the comments have been about the wedding, money, and occasionally, negative things about FI or myself.  I don't really care what they say about me, but now they've hurt DD.  What is to gain by saying something like this to a child?  I sincerely do not understand what her mindset is.

How do I handle this?  FI thinks I should just let it go, but I'm wondering if a simple 'If you don't have anything nice to say...' conversation is long overdue.  FI and I are careful not to say a bad word about exH and his Fiancee, as he is their Father, and she is there soon-to-be-stepmother and we are trying to foster a relationship of respect and cooperation with them.  I know I cannot control what is said in that house and that they live very differently from us, but I am not prepared for my DD to be hurt by callous and unfeeling remarks.  Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 

Jen4948

I think that you should teach your child how to deal with callous and unfeeling remarks.

Every day in the world someone makes them, and the earlier in life kids learn how to deal with the fact that not everybody loves them or is going to be kind or tactful, the better.  You can set her a good example and hope she'll follow it, but trying to shield her from the fact that not everyone is a nice person is going to do her harm further down the road, when you are not there to shield her anymore.

Daizy106

I am trying to put myself in your position. I don't have kids- but if i did- would be very upset and want to call her up and tell her exactly what you said (but me have a little temper-not sure if i would be so nice! haah). Since you mentioned that this isn't the first time that your exH and his FI have said negative comments- i think you should tell your exH that if him and his FI don't have anything nice to say- don't say anything at all. Just keep it short, sweet and to the point. I understand that you are trying to maintain a cordial relationship since there are kids involved.

beautifulmama28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_who-says-this-to-a-child-vent-long-ish-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9221323f-8033-4b18-a780-034e500f1c90Post:1b22e719-a396-4b72-8e2f-7ee112739b2d">Who says this to a child?? Vent! Long-ish. Sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]This past weekend, my Mom, FMIL and I took DD to pick out her Flower Girl Dress for our wedding in June.  We made a big fuss over her because we want all of the kids to feel special and involved with the wedding, as it's not just about FI and myself, but our family.  DD found a beautiful dress at David's Bridal, the staff did great and allowed her to ring the bell and get cheers as she said 'Yes to her Dress'.  It was very exciting and she was thrilled. FMIL took a little cell phone video of the moment and posted it on FB, tagging me.  I'm so glad she did, it's darling and the look on DD's face is priceless.  Huge smiles!  I am FB friends with my exH's fiancee, and many of his family members too.  There were some very nice comments on the video, and the exH's family has been largely supportive of our new relationships as they know it's best for the kids.  I'm very lucky in that respect.  DD spent the last 2 days at exH's house and when she came back home last night, I asked her what exH's Fiancee and her Step-Sisters thought of her dress.  She said, "The girls thought it was very pretty, but Fiancee said it was 'Silly and Ridiculous'!'  Silly and ridiculous?  I simply cannot wrap my mind around why any adult would say something so negative to a 5 year old little girl who is obviously so excited.  DD seems to be ok, she's taking it in stride, but I'm not sure how to handle this. The children will come home and mention negative and derrogatory things that are said by exH and his Fiancee from time to time.  Most of the comments have been about the wedding, money, and occasionally, negative things about FI or myself.  I don't really care what they say about me, but now they've hurt DD.  What is to gain by saying something like this to a child?  I sincerely do not understand what her mindset is. How do I handle this?  FI thinks I should just let it go, but I'm wondering if a simple 'If you don't have anything nice to say...' conversation is long overdue.  FI and I are careful not to say a bad word about exH and his Fiancee, as he is their Father, and she is there soon-to-be-stepmother and we are trying to foster a relationship of respect and cooperation with them.  I know I cannot control what is said in that house and that they live very differently from us, but I am not prepared for my DD to be hurt by callous and unfeeling remarks.  Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 
Posted by radleyboo[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>the few times that my ex has ever said anything negative I called him out on it. We had a pretty eamicable divorce, we have a ton of kids together...that being said I had to remind him a few times that the divorce was between US and the kids need to stay out of how we feel about each other.  Thats what your friends and SO are for...to vent about me too LOL</div><div>
</div><div>I dont care hat he thinks about me, but to ever say something to a child, is wrong.  Thats putting them in the middle of things.

</div><div>
</div><div>I would straight up call her up and ask if and why she said that LOL, but thats just me ;) </div>

Jells2dot0

I do not have children, but as someone who is bashed by DH's ex a lot, I know that feeling of wanting to confront her. I do think you should say something, but I would do it through your ex and not directly to her. Afterall, the kids are not hers, they are his. I would just mention the conversation you had with DD and tell him that while she didn't seem to be outwardly upset about the comment, you are concerned that the comment and other comments are hurting DD's feelings and possibly causing her some confusion. You may also want to note that since they are probably planning their own wedding, how you they feel if you called their wedding attire for your DD silly? LOL

MikesAngie

As a step parent I would never say anything abusive to a child - period.  

I did try very hard not to influence my DSD with regard to her now deceased alcoholic neglectful bio-mom.  But when the bio-mom would say something abusive to my DSD (who will be 20 very soon), I would counter that with the fact that she was a miserable person and not chemically okay.  She would say cruel things to the daughter and we would have to do damage control after almost every phone call. 

We were able to keep her out of our wedding by simply not involving her in any of the discussions.  Our daughter was quiet on the subject with her and she didn't find out about it until long after we were married. 

Talk to your ExH about it he should be reminded that the divorce was between you and he, and that the children need to hearresepctful words from their respective parents and step-parents with regard to all the adults raising the child (that way the child can make up their own mind about the person). Once the child decides or sees the person for who they are - let the child explore their feelings without influencing them (you can side with the child just not add to it). 

Weezy56

I agree with the point that kids need to learn how to handle unkind remarks because that's just how life is. However, it should still not be coming from her father and future stepmother of all people. I would definitley say something, that is unacceptable.

right1thistime

Who says this?  Probably someone with 3 young girls in her wedding for whom she cannot afford, or does not intend to spend the money to give them all (all 3 of her daughters) the "say yes to the dress" moment at David's bridal.  We hear it here all the time, the second or subsequent wife trying to either match up or exceed the first wife when planning her wedding.  Perhaps she was saying it more for the benefit of her daughters.  You see, if she had no intentions of doing this for them as part of her wedding, she may be feeling that they will get a bit jealous of your daughter. 

I am not saying she was wise to do so, but just that she might be acting protectively to her own girls rather than hurtfully toward yours.  Step parenting is never simple or easy. 

If you are amicable and feel you have a good relationship with her, you might talk to her, in private, about it.  Something along the lines of, "DD mentioned that you said her flowergirl dress was silly & ridiculous.  She was somewhat hurt by that, and didn't understand it.  I am wondering what you meant by that?"   This gives her a chance to see what impact her words had on your DD.  It also gives her a chance to save face & apologize, if her reasoning was something like what I wrote above.   If she gets defensive, then you can go down the, "if you don't have anything nice to say..." path.   I certainly wouldn't immediately accuse her of being mean or ...abusive... first thing. 

I would also agree with Jen, and you didn't say that she was upset or sad about the comment she made, but rather that she was taking it in stride. Bravo to her for letting a negative comment roll off her back. Making a scene about it will actually inflame the situation more, and could be more hurtful to her. 

If you don't have a good enough relationship with his Fi to have the talk with her directly, then go through your xH, who should have some vested interest in his daughter. Let him know that the kids are upset when he & his Fi make negative comments about you, your wedding, etc.  Let him know that you & your Fi are working very hard to keep the tone upbeat & positive for the kids, and that you'd appreciate reciprocity on that. To me they sound jealous. As far as that is concerned, the best revenge is living well. ~Donna

radleyboo

First, thank you all for the kind words and sincere advice.  It's nice to know that we have a community to lean on when our situations as 'second timers' sometimes are a bit unique.

I think what I am going to do is address this with exH.  He and Fiancee live very differently than FI and I do, and what I hear is generally criticism of Fi and I.  We've dealt with snark from them on everything from the house we built (We like the house, but not the neighborhood.  Why would you spend money on AC?), the car Fi drives (Why would he drive a car like that in the winter?), the location of our honeymoon (Why are you going to Mexico?  I'd go to Alaska.), to wanting to buy a new winter jacket for one of my sons versus hitting GoodWill (He's just going to grow out of it again).  The comment about the honeymoon came from exH directly to my face and I was sort of incredulous.  I'm still super-happy about my response, which was, 'Well, you don't have to worry about that because you're not invited.' 

Most of what we hear from the kids is basically pointing out 'differences' between our household and theirs, some of it's benign, some of it's not.  The PP who mentioned jealousy may have a very good point, I hadn't considered that angle.  According to exH and Fiancee, they are not buying rings (frivolous) or having a 'wedding' but are getting married at their annual Halloween costume party this year.  If that's what they want to do, good for them.  I would never criticize their decisions and expect the same respect in return, especially for the childrens' sake. 

After re-reading all of this and putting some thought into it, I'm not willing to sit and let DD, or any of the other children, be hurt by spiteful and snarky comments.  I'll have a quiet conversation with exH and simply request that we remain respectful of each other's choices and plans, regardless of what we would choose for ourselves. 

Thanks again girls.  Wish me luck! 

christal8

It really is crazy what some people will say to a child.  Fiance and I have dealt with outright lies his ex has told her own children about their father. Their daughters were 6 and 8 when he and I got together. She told them things like he doesn't love them and only has them visit as guests because the judge said he has to. (He has them at least 50% of the time.) She told them their dogs were dead because he broke into their home and poisoned them and she had to bury them before they got home from school (she took them to the pound because she didn't want to take care of them.)  Many times they would be all excited about something we had planned to do and she would cry and ask if they were going to have a good time without her.  Then they wouldn't want to go and have fun because they felt sorry for their mother.  It was a mess for awhile.  He tried talking to her about it but she would deny she ever said anything and then the girls would get in trouble for telling their dad.  Hopefully the conversation with your ex will go well and problem solved.  We have been teaching the girls that sometimes people say things that sound hurtful because they are mad or sad but that doesn't mean they are mad or sad at them.  It is good that your 5-year-old was able to let it go without much notice.  As these two girls get older, they now say "well, that's just mom." and brush it off.

Sue-n-Kevin

My daughter's dad married the wicked witch of the west. She is a negative, critical and mean spirited person. Our daughter was exposed to this woman (who hated me by the way) from the time she was about 5 or 6. She stood up in their wedding, which was long before mine 18 months ago.

I left it to my daughter's dad to address with his wife. His wife was kind of sneaky and always said her negative things when he wasn't around. But my daughter always made the point of speaking up and telling him what was going on. He of course could not change her.

Now, he's paying for it. Our daughter is 18 and she chooses to spend very little time there because she doesn't "have to". She still has a good relationship with her dad, mostly on the phone,  but his choice of a wife has limited the amount of time she wants to be around.  

You've had good advice. It sounds as though she's jealous and it has to be up to your ex to address.

Jells2dot0

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_who-says-this-to-a-child-vent-long-ish-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:9221323f-8033-4b18-a780-034e500f1c90Post:f1b4c588-fea0-4a58-91af-0c9e190c17d3">Re: Who says this to a child?? Vent! Long-ish. Sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]My daughter's dad married the wicked witch of the west. She is a negative, critical and mean spirited person. Our daughter was exposed to this woman (who hated me by the way) from the time she was about 5 or 6. She stood up in their wedding, which was long before mine 18 months ago. I left it to my daughter's dad to address with his wife. His wife was kind of sneaky and always said her negative things when he wasn't around. But my daughter always made the point of speaking up and telling him what was going on. He of course could not change her. Now, he's paying for it. Our daughter is 18 and she chooses to spend very little time there because she doesn't "have to". She still has a good relationship with her dad, mostly on the phone,  but his choice of a wife has limited the amount of time she wants to be around.   You've had good advice. It sounds as though she's jealous and it has to be up to your ex to address.
Posted by Sue-n-Kevin[/QUOTE]

Sue. you just described my situation with my father and his fiancee. I completely feel for your DD because I'm living it. So, if these ex spouses keep allowing this negative behavior around their children, they will lose in the end.

christal8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_who-says-this-to-a-child-vent-long-ish-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9221323f-8033-4b18-a780-034e500f1c90Post:f6948cac-e9eb-404d-aa7f-7a876137128e">Re: Who says this to a child?? Vent! Long-ish. Sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]christal, I would report someone like that to CPS!
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

RetreadBride - Sadly, those are not her worst comments to her children or her worst antics.  He has had to report her for other more serious issues, and of course included the crazy comments which I consider mental abuse. She will always be a challenge to us because of the children they share but my fiance is so calm and wonderful about it.  He is worth every minute of frustration she causes.  I pray that our fellow Knottie here will not have the same issues. 

Mikesgal419

I had to skip ahead to post, so if anyone already said this, I apologize. Anytime I hear "Daddy said, or Stepmom said"..' (it's usually daddy), I ask my girls (who are 5) what do they think or feel. If they say "I like it mommy", then I simply tell them "That's all that matters". I do NOT have a decent relationship with my ex. He hates me because I divorced him and moved on after finding out about his 3 year long affair. He is always saying negative things about anything we do. I try to teach my kids that what other people think doesn't matter,it's what they think and feel that matters.
Essentionally, what I'm saying is, if it doesn't seem to bother your daughter, it may not be worth fighting over. Sometimes, we get more bothered by things, then kids do.
Good luck in whatever you decide.

fperez7542

I have a 4yr old daughter and I would flip if any adult would say something to hurt her feelings. Say anything to me or my FI but keep my child out of it, would be the first thing I'd say. Recently my mom said something in English to my daughter note my mom doesnt speak English. She said something along the Lines of I hate u but in her defense she thought that she was saying I'm mad Before she explained her self I went off, even though my girl was being a pain there is no need for an adult she adores to say something like that. Later she explained herself so I let it go. Point being, I don't allow anyone she associates with to be rude or mean to her. However, I did start talking to her about people who are not nice. We have to face it, some people are just careless and mean.

alaynajk321

I have an aunt who has, more than once, told her adopted teenage daughter that she wishes she could send her back to her real parents and that she single handedly has ruined the moms life.  It sounds like you have some raw feelings from your first marriage, but please try to use perspective.  Even your FI might say that about a flower girl dress, and it's his wedding too.  Men just don't care about women's clothes.

mrsgarofalo

I am a mother of one (from a previous marriage) and about to gain two step chiildren next month.

Every situation is different, so it is very difficult to pass judgement and advice. However, I would recommend you be the (as silly as it sounds) the better person here and let it go. Teach and lead by example. Your ex's fiancee may be spiteful and resentful but that does not mean you should lower YOUR standards.

Your daughter will watch and absorb it all, trust me. She will learn from this, even if it means you just simply holding your head high and reassuring her (along with your many other wonderful family memebers) that she will be beautiful and will have an amazing day!

Good luck, no matter what you decide!

beautiflaw

Bless her! I know I would feel terrible if someone said something like that to my DD! And I'd be ready to hunt down whoever said it and give them a peice of my mind. But... that's probably not the best thing to do. Thing is, if they are saying things like this, they have their mind made up about you and your wedding and nothing you say or do will change it. I do think maybe you should have a talk about them and tell them that the children have overheard some negative comments, and you are worried about their self-esteem being effected by it. Let them know that while you realize they are entitled to their opinions, they need to be putting on a happy face for the sake of the kids and keeping their true feelings to themselves. Make it about the kids, not about you, because that's really what its about. Don't place any blame or repeat things the kids have said, because its all beside the point and it will make them get all defensive. Just keep it simple and say you are worried about the children's emotions and leave it at that. Probably nothing will change, and they will deny to their grave that they ever said anything negative about you, but at least it will be out in the open and they think about what you said the next time they start in about you in front of the kiddos.

I also think its important to start helping her understand that sometimes people, even adults, say hurtful things. Sometimes they mean it and sometimes they don't, but that the important thing to remember is the person she knows she is on the inside. I wish someone had taken me aside as a child and told me that.

Like PP said, as she grows your daughter will take note of the fact that you set a good example and they didn't. It takes a lot more than a few snarky comments to change a child's opinion of her mother. Keep being the best mom you know how and keep setting an example of respect. It will work out.

Jen4948

RetreadBride said:

Every day in the world someone makes them, and the earlier in life kids learn how to deal with the fact that not everybody loves them or is going to be kind or tactful, the better.

This is what generations of insensitive people used to justify bullying.  It even +helped people and built character.

Somewhere, someone, should always stand up and say NO.  THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

Don't be surprised when your daughter marries an abuser if you don't.

That someone has an equal responsibility to explain to the victim that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, and THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS WRONG, EVEN, AND ESPECIALLY, WHEN IT COMES FROM THOSE WHO SAY THEY LOVE US.

Retread, I disagree with you on this because you construed my post in a manner that I did not advocate.

I have been bullied many times in my life and listened to ugly words from others and have never thought any bullying is justified, period.  But as a kid, I was not given much help from my parents in learning how to deal with the bullying of others, and this was to my detriment.

I did not advocate that the OP should not speak up to her ex in the matter.  I do think, though, that all children do need to learn that not everyone in the world will act kind and loving to them and how to deal with it when it happens.  That doesn't mean acting like a doormat or being abusive oneself.  It does mean learning how to judge the situation, determine when it's appropriate to be assertive and when it's appropriate to just let the remark roll off one's back, and when it needs to be escalated by reporting the incident to other adults in charge or even the authorities if necessary.