Intro... Need a lot of advice on a lot of emotions

PhoenixMama

Hello!  My name is Jenifer.  I have two amazing kids, both under the age of 5.  My FI has none, but has taken to the kids so well.  They love him and it melts me just watching them interact and their bond grow and grow.

My FI has never been married before, I have been married twice.  The first time was my big white wedding and was gorgeous.  I just married too young and for the wrong reasons, and there was immaturity issues on both sides causing that to end.  My second marriage was to my high school sweetheart who I had re-connected with, and he was majorly abusive.  :-( 

Both FI and I have a very similiar past of having horrible relationships with people who did not appreciate us and became very emotionally abusive... We still cannot get over how awesome our relationship is and how we actually TALK to each other about everything, even things that could make us upset and that are sensitive, but we listen to each other respectfully and talk it out.  It's the most wonderful amazing feeling in the world to finally be with someone who respects me and loves me, and I love him immensley.

I have been above cloud 9 since I met him.  We have a custom puzzle that says we are each others perfectly fitted puzzle piece.    So very much how we feel.

Anyway... I've been battling a lot of emotions.  I'm super excited and want to have an amazing wedding with him and have that awesome memory of a beautiful day.  I feel horrible though because I'm afraid most of my family will not come since this is my third wedding.  I did not have anything really for my second, so it's not a case of inviting them a third time... I just so afriad of the judgement, given my track record.

But I can safely say I have been in counseling for nearly 3 years and know why I chose wrong in the past and am more than 100% positive that this third time is a charm.  He is my most perfect match in every way.

And I'm working through guilt that the financial burden of a wedding is all on us since I "wasted" my parents help on the first.  My FI could care less though, he just wants to marry me and he said you cannot judge a person by their past.  He is amazing.

And then there are my parents... who feel I should never ever marry again.  I'm afraid my father won't even walk me down the aisle!!!!  Which goes into the pile of so much guilt and sadness that I may ruin my FI's wedding day because of my past mistakes.  I'm hoping since our wedding is a good amount of time from now (almost 3 years)... my parents will see how totally amazing and different this relationship is than the others and they will end up being supportive of it.

I don't think my past should dictate me and FI getting married or having a low key wedding ... it's his first, and I want it to be special and amazing and something beautiful for us to always look back on.  I'm just afraid of if I will be able to pull that off with my family being judgemental jerks.  :-(

Anyone been through similiar?

iluvmy0341

Aww hun I'm sorry :-(
I'm not really in the same situation...I just married at a courthouse and now we're having the vow renewal ceremony (which I'm paying for), and I just feel the same as you as far as it goes with people not attending. Actually, I HAVE had people say to my face that they won't be attending since we "couldn't do it right the first time." Sorry we're not super strict Catholic like the rest of the family and did things our own way!

You said your wedding is 3 years away--I'm sure by then your family will come around to it. If not, screw them. Don't even send an invite!

awayagain

I would revisit the family issues two years from now.  That's a good amount of time for them to come to the realization that you've matured and can make a good decision for yourself and your children.

right1thistime

Don't hang your happiness on someone (or a group of someones) else's feelings.  If YOU are happy, and your FI is happy, and you plan a wedding that will make YOU BOTH happy-- then let yourself be happy.  Whether or not your family, his family, my family or John Jacob Dingleheimer Schmidt's family is happy about it doesn't NEED to influence your joy.
Surround yourself with the people that will want to celebrate with you.  If its just the two of you, the kids and a few close friends- then plan a ceelbration that will accommodate that group.  If its all friends and no family, fine.  If its third cousins thrice removed- go for it.
All of the people who are bringing you down can only do that if YOU give them the power to do it.  If you decline to be guilty, resentful, disappointed and unhappy about a joyful point in your life, their attitudes and words cannot change how you feel. 

Glad to hear you are in therapy, I highly recommend it to anyone who is considering remarrying after a divorce.  I would put this on the therapy table, because honestly, the issue is in your head, not external.  It's all in how you choose to deal with it.  You can choose to  not let it rain on your parade.  ~Donna

Lisa50

I have not been through a similar situation.  Therapy helps, this I know.  Time helps as well.  There should be no rush back into marriage.  The time you spend together and the things (life events) you go through as a couple will help build a solid foundation for marriage.

As far as the wedding is concerned, your parents will come along in their own time, maybe before the ceremony or, perhaps, later.  You are an independent woman -- you can walk down the aisle by yourself or with your fiance.  It seems like taking that walk by yourself might just be uplifting for you.  Good luck!

lindaloulubbock

My situation is very similar.  This is my 2nd wedding, I have 2 children (4 and 6),my FI (my "perfect partner") wants a wedding, my family wants nothing to do with it.

If it gives you any indication of how things are going, our wedding is 26 days away and my mom still has not bought a dress.  

My advice for you-your wedding is so far away, just relax, enjoy your happiness, live in the now, and let your family think what they're going to think.  There will be plenty of time to worry about them later, and there's no need to make yourself crazy for 3 years.  I know that's not easy...says the girl who woke up crying about my mom and sister and the way they are acting, BUT Donna is right.  Two cups of coffee later and I'm back to remembering that I am happy, my children are happy, my FI is happy, and if my family cannot be happy, then I will limit my exposure to them and surround myself with the people who are happy and supportive.  They can only ruin your happiness if you let them.

And if your therapist has any gems to share on making that a regular way of life, I'd love to hear them!   Good luck!

PhoenixMama

Thanks, ladies!  Actually, my counselor would say the same exact things.  lol  To remember that I'm in charge of my own feelings, and to remind me how emotionally abusive my parents are, and that I am a grown woman and do not need their approval, especially since their version of RL is so warped.

This actually helped a ton.  It's nice knowing I'm not the only one going through this sort of thing too.  *hugs to all who have PITA family to deal with*

But yeah, I'm over the moon happy, this is the MOST fun I've ever had with someone, even with what can be stressful planning.  He is my rock and my balance, when I start stressing over not finding the "right" venue... he also reminds me, "honey, we still have time, let's have fun with this, and we will have something that is 'us'"

I'm a total OCD Virgo by nature.  lol  And he is teaching me to let go a little.  He is so good to me and for me.  And my kids adore him!!!  My son is only 8 months old (I left his father in my first tri-mester) and he lights up whenever he sees FI, he cries when he sees his Dad... if that tells you anything. 

So yeah... I'm hoping time will tell my family a whole new story... but in the mean time i will keep it forefront, that I AM my own person and in charge of my own happiness.  I know how far I have come over the years and I know FI is absolutely perfect for all of us. 


And that idea of walking down the aisle myself... that actually is an awesome idea.  Now I wonder if my Dad would be hurt if I chose to do that, if he does come around.  I mean really... he has already "given me away" twice.  It's very symbolic to the independenat woman I've had to learn to become to get through all the abuse crap from the years.  I like it.  *nods*  (mental sticky note)

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome!

As the prior posters, your family will probably come around over time. Your wedding is a long way off, and as they get to see how happy you are, I'm sure they will agree with you that this is the right person.

Good luck.

thealphabride

Congrats on your engagement. You have done all the right things to ensure you are making the right choices by going to therapy and waiting a good long time before you marry again, this will give you time to really get to know your FI very well.

I went through the abusive relationship and questioning my choices in men. When I figured it out, I met my DH and the rest is history. We are happily married now.

I suspect with your continued therapy that you will continue to grow as a person and know how to deal with your parents when the time comes to be married again.

PhoenixMama

Thanks alphabride!  I have definitely come a long way, and I know there is a lot more work to be done in regards to dealing with all the mental baggae with my parents.  But I will get there.  Thank you for your kind words everyone.  This is a really nice board of ladies!

fireytiger

It's definitely hard. My family is acting similarly. I didn't have a big wedding for my first marriage, I was 18 years old and "knew everything" (lol), so me and my military groom went to the county clerk's office and got married with my parents and two friends in attendance. We had a "reception" later to celebrate with all of our other local friends, but nobody came. All my family was on the East coast and we were in California, so they didn't get invited because they weren't local. My family did not approve of the marriage and thought it was a bad idea, because of my age and also the groom. Turns out they were right, 8 months later we were divorced.

This time, it was super important to me that we get married with a small group of people, both of our families and closest friends in attendance. However, my family didn't see it that way, they apparently think i'm disgraceful for having a "big wedding" for my second marriage, or that i'm even having a second marriage at all, because they're devout catholics and everything about what I did when I was 18 was wrong to them. Apparently there's no such thing as forgiveness in their minds. The only people who are coming from my family are my father and my grandma. Everyone else in my family, people that I used to be really close to, have declined.

I admit that it was really hard at first. I cried about it for hours when I got all the declines and found out their "cover excuses" (have to go see a peewee basketball game that weekend, afraid to get on a plane with their kids because the plane might crash, even though the family has been on planes countless times before, the list goes on...) We'd only invited a moderately small guest list and expected about 50 people in attendance, instead it's dwindled down to an expected 35 people. I spent about a week dwelling on all the things that would be empty; the empty pews in my church sanctuary, the giant hall meant to hold up to 200 that would have sparse seating, etc.

Then, I changed my thinking. Instead of dwelling on all those empty seats, I started reminding myself of how many seats would be occupied. 35 people for a party isn't a small group, I usually entertain about 7 or 8 people at a time and find that to be a large party. Those people who will be there are important to us too, and they will surround us with their love on that day. I spent time looking at pictures of intimate weddings (rather than big ones), and saw how beautiful they were. I focused on the fact that if there's less people there, we'll have more time to spend with those people who came from all over to see us married. I came up with a seating chart that took up more room in the venue, but still allowed everyone to mingle and visit with each other, and looks amazing. It's all about the way you look at things. Just focus on what's going to make you and your FI happy. Focus on the people who WANT to be there and WANT to be happy for you both. Good luck!

PhoenixMama

Oh, fireytiger *hugs*   Your family is just as silly as mine for holding past mistakes against you.  I love the religious covering all the time too... um, didn't Jesus and God also preach forgiveness?  I face the same double standards in my family.  Several of my Uncles are actually pastors.  The one is awesome and not judgmental... the other and his family... they are always the first ones their judging my every "sin".  It's ridiculous, because no one is perfect.  We all have our own path and our own lessons to learn, in our own time.

Intimate weddings are definitely beautiful!!!  And I have to say, my first was big, close to 150 in attendance, and I felt so rushed and so many people I didn't even get to talk to or thank for coming.  An intimate wedding will be great for being able to talk and really party with your close loved ones. 

wedding05

Have you thought of having one of your children walk you down the aisle or both of them? By the time my bf (not yet FI) and I get married, my kids will be 12 and 9. My dad walked me down the aisle for my first wedding, but now that I have a son, I'll be having my son walk me down the aisle. Just a thought. :)


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_intro-need-lot-of-advice-lot-of-emotions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9a366e4a-f7be-4dd8-b9d7-f54e1aa40d8dPost:27956646-f5d2-451f-8ff2-7e1449b1b6eb">Re: Intro... Need a lot of advice on a lot of emotions</a>:
[QUOTE] And that idea of walking down the aisle myself... that actually is an awesome idea.  Now I wonder if my Dad would be hurt if I chose to do that, if he does come around.  I mean really... he has already "given me away" twice.  It's very symbolic to the independenat woman I've had to learn to become to get through all the abuse crap from the years.  I like it.  *nods*  (mental sticky note)
Posted by PhoenixMama[/QUOTE]