Name change

veteranmom

OOPS

[Deleted User]

I honestly think everybody should adopt any name they want, I don't think there is a *wrong* name to take

Lisa50

Is there any reason you didn't drop the ex's last name once you were divorced?  What if you just go back to your "maiden" name as your last name? 

mybooboos

Is the concern that your daughter's last name will not resemble anyone one else's last name, once you get married and adopt your FIs child?  If your daughter has a close relationship with her father, than she may be secure with knowing and understanding why her name is different than everybody else's.

MikesAngie

As your daughter gets older she may want to have your FI adopt her since you plan on adopting his son.  If/when that happens her last name would become his.

mybooboos

I can understand your dilemma. My daughters legally have their father's name, but have always gone by my last name (until recently when my oldest wanted to try out her legal name).  Now that I'm about to get married, their first question was, "are you changing your last name?" (the answer was, "no, I'm keeping my maiden name"). 

For many kids, there's an emotional sense of loss, when a parent they've had "all to myself", gets married, and they have to share.  With the name change, there's a more tangible change for them, which displays their loss to the world.  All kids handle this differently and their age makes a difference.

I can see you wanting to keep some continuity with the same name, but at the same time, that would mean that while married, you are still carrying your xH last name.  Maybe you could do both.  Legally, change your name to whatever you want it to be (FIs name, maiden name, hybrid, etc), but when in social situations with your child (school events, etc), not make a point of emphasizing the new name, but slowly get her accustomed to it.  She will eventually come to grips with the fact that marriage changed a lot of things for her, and hopefully see it was all for the better.

Good luck!

Avion22

I'm also in the military, and changing back to my maiden name was ridiculously easy.  Step 1: Court order (resumption of maiden name is really easy).  Step 2: Social Security.  Step 3:  Military ID.  All you need is your court order and your old ID and old Driver's License (you need two forms of ID in the same name -- your old name is OK).  Step 4:  Credit Cards, Passport, Driver's License, etc. 

Having said all that, having just recently gone back to my maiden name, now that I'm getting re-married I think I'm going to stick with it for a while, otherwise I'd be on my THIRD last name in my military career.  I'm getting to the point in my career where name recognition is important, so I think I'll be sticking with my maiden name professionally.

handfast4me

First, thank you avion and veteranmom for your service.  My sister's in the military too, and been married twice, and unfortunately, now twice divorced.  She's changed her name each time.  Blah.  I have been married twice and divorced once, but never changed my name at all.  It just seems easier.  Also, both my ex and current husband have such difficult names!  Mine is easy to spell, easy to pronounce,  I'm published, and worked as a performer (still do, on occasion) so it was just easier. 

This is the good thing about choice--you can do what feels most comfortable to you.  If you're worried about your name being different than your daughter's, don't.  My daughter had my last name and her dad's (my ex's) hyphenated from birth.  Usually people just called her by my last name, (since, again, his was difficult) and there are so many blended families these days no one bats an eye. 

Also, as an fyi, in the event someone does call me Mrs. hislastname, I don't correct them, and it's not offensive.  And people often call him Mr. Mylastname, and he just goes with it too.  That's the best thing about having a husband who is confident in his masculinity.  (And he's a veteran, and former Golden Knight :-) 

Ramiau3

The name "thing" is big for our family too.  We have had lots of discussions.  It's just as complicated here.  My twins (oldest children) hardly know thier dad, he shows up every few years when he is clean (addict) and then disappears again.  My ex-husband & I started dating when the girls were 6 months and when he and I became engaged he offered to adopt the twins.  So we started to refering to them with his last name, which they still do now and is still my last name.  A few years after marriage and tracking down my twins' bio-father and getting him to agree to sign over his rights, my ex-husband flaked out and changed his mind about adopting the twins. Hense my divorce.  But he is a good guy, still sees the twins and the daughter he and I had together on a bi-weekly visitation and refers to them all his daughters.  Well, here I go again, engaged.  And again my fiance has offered to adopt the twins.  (I don't even want to think what would happen if he also changed his mind, but I don't think he will since he knows the history).  Which would change the twins last name, if they so chose.  My girls are older, so we are giving them the choice on name.  Right now the choice seems to lean towards their first, middle, my ex's last name and my fiance's last name.  I think that last names are so important to children, builds a sense of "who you are" and having a last name to a man who they have only hurt with has been difficult for them.  I respect thier choice to keep my ex's last name.  Right now legally speaking their last name is thier bio-father, but in school, dance class and other clubs and in life, they haven't used that name ever. So for them to legally change their name is huge!  Good luck with your choice.  I am sure which ever it goes, it will be the best for your family.