How long?

crbr2683

I just recently got divorced. Right after my exhusband asked for a divorce, I reunited with an old classmate. We've been dating ever since. He can't wait to marry me, and I'm a little nervous about the whole thing again. I know him better them I knew my ex, and he knows me better then I know myself. How long should I wait before I get married again? Am I wrong for thinking about doing it again so soon?

SueR13

I think only you can decide how soon is too soon.

I started dating my fiance 2 years after I separated from my ex, but my divorce wasn't final at that point. It took a LONG time to go through.

We were dating about 9 years before we started talking about getting married, took another while to get engaged, and we've been engaged for 2 1/2 years - getting married in August.

I think everyone has to set their own time schedule for what makes sense.

ivygarland

You should wait as long as feels right.  You are definitely not wrong.  Just to share a story about timing, my cousin got married a few days after her divorce was final, and she was already pregnant with her 2nd husband's child. They have been happily married for nearly 18 years now.

handfast4me

I was seperated for 2 years before the divorce was final after a 17 year marraige, and had over 30 first dates in the year prior to meeting my second husband.  We dated for 2 years, then we were handfasted, then legally married a little over a year after that.  A first handfasting is traditionally for "a year and one day" and serves as a trial marriage, so we really had that trial marriage. 

So that's my story.  Now on to yours.  I would think that you're the only one that can tell if this is right or not.  However, I would worry that you're on the rebound.  And my experience (myself, and seeing others) is that most women need a bit of time to figure out who they are, what they want, etc. before making another commitment.  It's very easy for us, in this culture, to lose ourselves in our relationships.  This is especially true in the case of abuse (which I hope is not the case here). 

Further, unless you're sure you know already, it might be a good idea to take some time to figure out what went wrong in the last relationship.  I jokingly have said that I won't repeat the same mistakes. Instead, I'm going to make a new set of mistakes.  :-)   

I might wait, but I wasn't in any big hurry--I was in my late 40s, didn't want any more children, etc.  But it all comes down to your decision, and your life. 

Sue-n-Kevin

It depends on the people & surrounding families, honestly. There's nothing that says you guys can't date & arrange an engagement & marriage down the road if you suspect one or both families will have some "issues" how soon this is occurring.

Having said that, if there are biological clocks ticking for kids, you'd want to take that into account.

Welcome and good luck.

arv266

I think that this is a question you will have to dig deep within you to answer.  Everyone will have a different story on this.  I too have a cousin who was planning his wedding before his messy divorce was finalized.  He is adored in our family and although we all somewhat cringed, he was an adult and we stood behind him completely.  He is still happily married and he and his wife are still in the honeymoon stage, 8 years after the wedding.  When I seperated from my husband I met someone, and we dated and talked briefly of marriage.  The truth of it, was that after years of being in an oppresive, neglectful marriage, I was hungry for the attention and affection of a commited relationship.  My only advice is, please remember to take some time to just recenter who you are. It can take you a day, a week, a year... but just reflect on what your new life, after the divorce, will be.  Best of luck to you!!!!!!!!

right1thistime

I agree with PPs, the answer is within you.  I would heartily second the advice to go through some counseling to figure out where you are and were the first time around.  That makes you all the readier for a new relationship.  Take your time. ~Donna

Rawr08

I went through the same thing.  Well, kind of.  FI and I got together in Sept 08, my divorce was final in Sept 09, FI and I are getting married this Sept. NOW I felt the same way, is there some sort of unwritten rule about how long you are supposed to wait.  Well, there isn't.  So like pp said, this is up to you and your FI.  Whatever feels right.  I knew without a doubt FI was the one for me, if I knew this is what love felt like I would have never married the first time.  BUT be sure you know what you are doing.  I had a hard time telling my family I was getting divorced (although they disliked him) then it was harder telling them I was getting remarried.  Everyone sees how happy we are, and they know this is a good thing.  In the end that is all it comes down to - your happiness.

Good luck, Congratulations and welcome!

MikesAngie

I don't know if this will help or not, but my FI reunited in April 2009, my divorce was final July 2009 and we're getting married April 2011.

We were high school sweethearts and best friends until we lost touch when we were 21. Seventeen years later we started exchanging benign emails. In 2008 both our marriages ended around the same time; his xW was having a long distance affair, my xH went nuts and asked for a divorce 20 times in less than three months.

Only you know your heart, and how you feel and whether or not you have found your center ground and really know yourself.  There are no hardfast rules about timing. 

Sloane99

Hoenstly, if you're asking, it may be too soon to rush into anything. It doesn't mean that I would advise you not to date and see where this goes but it does sound to me like that little voice inside of you isn't comfortable yet.

I rushed into dating a few people about a year after we separated, I was so ill-prepared it was ridiculous. I had no idea how to be in a casual relationship. When I re-met now-FI (I have known him since we were kids). We were long-distance for the first while and he was on the phone with me the day that I signed my final divorce papers - nearly two years after being separated. The long-distance was good for us but once we were together more frequently, I had no doubts that he was the one for me and would have married him a few months into our relationship without hesitation.

DeVoyChick

You need to feel right about it...there is no time limit.

I was separated from my soon to be ex not even a month when I met my current boyfriend (soon to be fiance).  We clicked right off the bat and I know that it's right.  I even took him to my psychologist (yeah he went!!!  THAT'S a plus in my book!!!!) and afterwards I asked him if it was too soon and he said that he had been seeing me for many years and knew about my relationship with my soon to be ex.  He told me from what he had seen and heard, I had been out of love for over two years.  I guess I was just doing a good job of faking being in love with him.

Whatever you decide to choose, I wish you nothing but the best of luck!!

Sarah

NJ Jen

My first concern is that you are recently divorced, and he is pushing the marriage issue - both because he shouldn't be pressuring you, and he should be wise enough to be sure that you are healed from your divorce.

You should be sure you have worked through all the issues of your divorce. Only you know how long that takes. It took my fiance a couple of years. It took me a little less. It took both of us a lot of counseling.

melissamc2

If you ask simply because you are worried about what people will think from the OUTSIDE, quit thinking about that part of things.  People are going to judge you if you do it now, wait a month, wait a year, or wait five years.   You'll never please anyone, so please yourself (in this case, obviously I'm not encouraging across the board self-involvement). 

Do YOU feel ok with it? Does he? 

I think there are a lot of us here who were with our fiances, or even engaged, before the final divorce hearing was had.  I KNOW how people view me, regarding that, but I also know it's far easier to judge when it's not you in the situation. 

Good luck!

thealphabride

It's not a matter of being wrong, it's a matter of being ready. Have you taken time for yourself between the divorce and dating your current BF? Do you have children? Are they adjusting to the divorce? Do you get along well with your ex for the sake of the kids? All of these things are considerations. I am a strong advocate of taking time between relationships for yourself, because I always chose the wrong man. It was a matter of me not taking the time to find out why I always made the wrong choice. My ex husband had me hating men by the time we divorced so it was a no brainer for me to take a year off and figure it out. AND I did figure it out, but not before one more bad choice.
I learned a lot from that experience. Mostly that it takes a VERY LONG TIME to really get to know someone, at least one year. Sometimes you never really know them.
My fiance suggested early on that maybe we should "combine" our lives. I told him that was a grand idea, but I don't make any serious decisions about my life until I know you for a full year.
There are a lot of considerations and I wish you all the very best of luck!!!

arv266

The mother of an XBF once told me, that you really don't know a person until you've experienced the four seasons with them.  Alpha stated it perfectly. 

debnchris

Im in a similiar situation STILL 2-3 months away from my divorce being final and planning on a March or April 2011 wedding. Ive told everyone the divorce is final cause I'm sick of the stink eye

Do what YOU think is right for your life. If it makes you happy and you don't have the guilts do it and live happily ever after