Including children in the ceremony

summerlilly2008

My FI has 2 children (5 & 9) and I want to include them in the ceremony but I am not sure how. I have read over and over that they need to be included. Most say to inlcude the 5 yr old as a ring bearer, but we weren't planning on a flower girl or ring bearer. The oldest child can be very shy and I'm not sure he would feel comfortable being an usher. I'm thinking that they could just walk with their dad down the aisle and stand beside them during the ceremony.

The other thing I want to do is to have vows from me to the children and present them with a gift. I have seen the family medalions and also seen rings to give children but it just seems so "girly" for lack of better wording. They are boys (rough and tough as my FI would say) and I'm not sure what to give them.

We are having an outside ceremony and hadn't planning on doing a unity candle. I know that I am making this difficult, but are there other ways to let them know that they too are important.

LesPaul

I'm not a fan of the medallions or family vows.  Yes, you will all be a family, but the marriage is between you and FI.  Anyway, I like your idea to just have them walk and stand with Dad.  Neither of them needs an official title, and you don't have to have a RB.  They will be included, but no pressure to 'perform' at the wedding.

scoop69

I am getting married next year, and we both have kids (a 9 yr old for me and 13 and 15 for him). We personally believe very much that this is not just a ceremony for us but a joining of our two families. We are ordering rings for the 3 girls that have all their birthstones on them (each girl will have her own birthstone in the center). In addition, we are considering short vows for them to make to each other about being good sisters to each other. We think this is especially important for the 9-year old, as she is an only child.

I think you could do a manly sort of ring for them. Even if they don't wear them often, it would still be a keepsake of that special time. I also have seen a unity sand sculpture thing on a website for a Vegas wedding chapel that might work better for an outside wedding. Since they are both boys, what about having them act as groomsmen? That would be fairly simple, and they wouldn't do anything but stand there and walk down the aisle at the end.,

melissamc2

I have four children.  None will be a part of the ceremony.  It's not a "have to" thing, it's very personal and completely optional.

I, like a previous poster, see the MARRIAGE as between my fiance and myself.   Our family is everyone, and the kids know that, but a wedding is two people in a romantic relationship - and they know that, as well.

There are several ideas in another thread, a few down, that offer various suggestions to include children, however.

Congratulations!

thealphabride

Since they are very young and shy kids, I wouldn't put them in the spotlight by themselves. You can ask the 9 year old if he wants to be involved and how.

I do love the idea of them walking down with their dad!

I'm not a fan of the family vows, they do have a mom too, and you don't want them to feel like they are splitting their loyalties. 

I am a believer of the marriage is between you two. The wedding turns into a family blending ceremony and it just doesn't feel right to me because these children have another parent, and their whole family too. It can be very confusing for young children.  

Best of luck to you!
 

deepcovejackie

I have two kids, and they're requested (on their own, they researched it), a sand ceremony.  They are 13 and 11.  I think it really depends on the situation.  We were just going to put no pressure on them at all.  They came up with by themselves.  Soooo, sand ceremony it is.  FI and I are fine with it.

Sue-n-Kevin

Our kids are older, and definitely not shy. In your situation, I think walking down the aisle with Dad is perfect. It's not necessary to include them, but if you want to, the sand ceremony, with a different color of sand for each of you would be a nice touch.

Good luck.

JennaHR

I have to disagree with some of the PP. While "marriage" is about the bride and groom, its purpose is a vow of love and committment. If either person has a child, that  child is certainly a large part of that committment. My girls (5/6) will be walking me down the isle, snd FI's daughter (5) will walk with him.
Family vows don't have to be a vow to be a parent, but an acknowledgement that they will support and cherish the children, and support/ cherish that child's relationship with their spouse. Blending families is as big a life change as a marriage, if not more.
   We plan to give the girls matching jewelry (not the medallion, I don't like it). To deny children their place in the marriage seems more damaging to me than anything. (I had a stepmother who was disengaged in order to avoid "offending" and it took years for her to repair that). Overall it probably depends on the children involved, but I think it's sweet to include them, and for us it's necessary.

summerlilly2008

I agree with you JennaHR.  One of the main reasons I want to involve them or at least make a commitment to them (they do not have to say a word, they will not be asked any questions) is because their mom and dad (my FI) do not get along. And my gut tells me that she will tell them that he doesn't care for them, that he loves me more than he does them, that he is starting a new family with out them. I don't want them to feel that way at all but it is hard because we only get them every other weekend as it is. I just think that she is going to try and drive a wedge and I feel that if we include them then hopefully they will understand that they are as important to me as they are to their dad.

I'm thinking of the vows going something like:

Today I married your dad and you became my family. (Children's Names) I love you. I promise that I'll always shower you with love, take care of you and do my very best for you. I promise to be fair and to be honest, to be available for you as I am for your dad, and in due time, to earn you love, respect and true friendship. I will cherish my life with you both.

MikesAngie

SummerLilly - Very nice vows and very similar to the promise I will be making my FI's 17 year old daughter when she's given my refurbished birhtstone ring, her choice.

We are also doing a sand ceremony so that the daughter feels included in the day as we are blending a family.

I think however one chooses to blend their families it is a personal choice. You will choose the right way to make them feel loved and welcomed into the family you are creating with your marriage.

LesPaul

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_including-children-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:b1e5914f-14c9-4e22-aed9-5b6c32b5fb7cPost:1d6b0c2d-d030-498b-b226-cb1b2f5198cb">Re: Including children in the ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]  <strong>To deny children their place in the marriage seems more damaging to me than anything.</strong> Posted by JennaHR[/QUOTE]

"Denying them a place in the marriage"??  What?  It's my marriage, not theirs.  Their place is to be a part of OUR family, and it's mine and DH's responsibility to make this a good thing for everyone.  They also have a place in their other parent's family, which I'm not going to damage.  Sometimes parents put undue pressure on the children to participate in ceremonies in which they are not comfortable, and that's wrong.  Ask them what they want to do, and to what extent they want to participate.  If they want to do sand or rings or whatever as PPs said, that's great.  But the marriage ceremony and vows remain between the bride and groom.

melissamc2

We spoke to the children about it.  My 17 year old daughter looked horrified at the idea, the younger boys laughed and thought I was making up the fact that people have family vows and special "kid included" ceremonies, and, well, my eldest son is non-verbal and has severe special needs, so he didn't voice an opinion, but I'm willing to bet he'd have one on it!

As has been stated, it's a personal choice.  If we weren't already commited to the children, we wouldn't be getting married.   They are aware every single day that we spend as a family that we ARE a family.  I am of the opinion that no amount of words or sand or candle lighting will show a child you're serious about that more than just doing it.  (No, I'm not saying you're not all doing it.  Don't take it offensively!)

Keep in mind, though, I don't believe ANYTHING else should mix in with the marriage ceremony.  I don't agree with memorials or unity candles with the mothers of the bride and groom involved.  I'm very black and white with a wedding - it is the joining of a couple to one another.   I view family as about family.  I view marriage as about a couple - because my children were (and will always be) loved and cared for regardless of my marital status.  I don't want them to ever confuse the two as being dependent on one another.

Just offering a little more detail on the counter-view.

LesPaul

Agreed, Melissa.  Well said.

arv266

This is one of those topics that you either completely agree with, or completely disagree with!  I have two kids (10 & 12) and FI has two kids (19 & 21) and I have opted to not include family vows, a unity candle or a sand ceremony.  I am with the other PP and agree that my marriage vows are a commitment between my FI and I. The act of our marriage unites us as a big happy family.    However, I do see the other side and understand that every situation is unique.  My only advice is to not get caught up in the "what everyone else is doing" -- I dont think there are any "must" in any wedding.  Think about the things that define you as a family and try to get ideas from that.   

pamila51510

My daughters were part of my Bridesmaids and My flower girl and they gave me away. It was amazing I agree with Melissa our commitment to each other is just that. Being a family is being in the trenches everyday working at it Well said !!!  

thealphabride

I agree totally that it is a very personal choice how one's children are involved in the wedding. It should be age appropriate. I like the idea of a sand ceremony and I think when kids come forward and ask to be involved then involve them.

Our boys are involved in the wedding, my son is escorting me and standing up with the groom and his son who is the best man. We are not doing family vows but they are in the wedding.

You have to do what you feel is good for your own family depending upon your personal situation. BUT for us since our kids are older and fully entrenched in their other families making a big deal out of blending our family just doesn't make sense for us.

right1thistime

I personally agree that the marriage is between the husband and wife, and the wedding is the ceremony to join the two of them.  My opinion is that the blending of a family is a much more complicated process, and that no ceremony, vow, poem or candle will accelerate (or decelerate) that process. 
As far as the reasons behind your desire to say vows to the children, that makes sense to me.  I would think that BOTH of you would want to say something to the children along those lines.  Kids are very perceptive, so if your actions back up your words, it doesn't matter if you say it to them in front of a crowd of 300, or as you tuck them in at night.  And certainly, if your actions don't back up your words, they will believe that you made those vows for the sake of others & appearances, rather than them. 
I also personally believe that a gift should be given with the recipient in mind, rather than how significant the gift is to the giver.  Young children break and lose things.  I hate the concept of "here's a gift, now give it back to me to put away for safekeeping".  Boys, in particular, don't enjoy symbolic gifts.  I would choose something for them that they enjoy today - a toy or game that they will be pleased to receive.  When you give gifts to your wedding party, you choose something they will like, you can do the same for the children. 

I always advise parents to ask the children how much they wish to participate.  Even at a young age, a shy child may be terrified of being the center of attention.  Better to let them be special guests, that to turn the wedding into something they dread. 

And, to the poster who mentioned the childen's place in  the marriage, I would respectfully disagree with the idea that children have a place in the marriage.  They certainly have a place in the family, but marriage is between the couple. I think that giving kids the idea that they have some role in their parents marriage places too much upon them.  They have no control over the relationship, there are many parts of the relationship that are none of the children's business, and the responsibility lies solely with the two adults.   ~Donna

arv266

To the PP... you wrote everything that I was feeling but could not put into words. WELL DONE and wonderful advice.

2dBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_including-children-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:b1e5914f-14c9-4e22-aed9-5b6c32b5fb7cPost:713c7af6-410a-4a08-b5c6-8581da3fca59">Re: Including children in the ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE] I also personally believe that a gift should be given with the recipient in mind, rather than how significant the gift is to the giver...  When you give gifts to your wedding party, you choose something they will like, you can do the same for the children.
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]We definitely followed this advice with our wedding party--which <em>was</em> my two children.  When I bought a Swiss Army knife for each of them, NotFroofy was shocked, pointing out that the traditional present for a member of the wedding party was something like jewelry for the women, and maybe shot glasses or cufflinks for the men.  However, when I gave my kids their presents (just before the ceeremony), they were thrilled, and spent half the reception checking out the various blades.  At that point, NotFroofy said something to my daughter about having been nervous about such a gift, since jewelry was more traditional.  My daughter looked surprised, and said, "I'd <em>much</em> rather have this than jewelry!"

BabyKaykes

It sounds like they'd be okay walking down the aisle with their dad. Have you asked them?

FI's daughters are 15 and 16yo - they will be two of my bridesmaids. My 4yo son will be our ring bearer.

Yes, this marriage will unite us as a couple, but our kids are our lives and we want them to understand that this marriage unites us ALL. The ceremony will be traditional and at the end, we will all jump the broom together, as a family.

handfast4me

Right1 always brings a well thought out, well written, post.  Agree with her completely. 

Mom2SF

I have one child (age 7) and my FI has four (ages 21, 18, 17, 10).  They are our wedding party (no other groomsmen or bridesmaids) and will be mentioned during the ceremony by our minister (this is a joining of a couple and a family type thing).  
All the kids seem pretty excited about it.

This is my 2nd marriage and his 3rd so we've already had our siblngs and friends be in our other weddings.  This time we're blending a family--is really important for us to include our kids.

debnchris

I think that every family, every couple is different so just like many other things regarding our weddings its what we all feel comfortable with . My girls 7 & 9 will be flower girls  and as far as the ceremony goes I throw the sand ceremony out there and see how everone feels about it or just have a little something said  regarding the joining of us all as a family -- I'm sure they will be fine with it because we really are a family