Second Weddings

He doesn't get it---Vent

I'm trying to plan a wedding for this July and it's my second wedding and his first. We want small and intimate and under $5000.  Which so far has been completely doable.  I have the guest list of absolute must invite and it comesout to 64 people.  He's kvetching that I have 31 family members and he only has 18. 

I'm sorry I can't help that I have more uncles and aunts than you.  I can't go back in time and make you grandparents get it on more.  I can't help that I have more siblings than you.  I can't invite people that don't exist so you have and "even" amount of people.

It's fair but it's not equal.  We both have parents, my grandmother (only on on this generational tier that's alive) siblings/spouses, aunts/uncles. I cut out all cousins  on both sides. I have included extremely close friends that have always been supportive to us and that comes out to about 18.  He's not quibbling about the friends.  He's trying to firgure out who on my side to cut out so it's equal.

Grrrr.  He's just not getting it that it can't happen that way.  He has no wiggle room.
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Re: He doesn't get it---Vent

  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can understand your frustration.

    I am getting married for the first time, it's his 3rd wedding (neither of the prior 2 were formal). I have a lot more family & friends than he does. He's not irritated in the least, he understands that we've lived different lives, and have different size families.

    I'd ask your fiance why he feels this way. Not to criticize, but it seems sort of petty to think everything has to be equal when it comes to the guest list. Is he paying for the bulk of the expenses? Then he may have a gripe.

    These people will be HIS family-in-law in a short time. If it's bugging him this much now, how will he react when it comes to sharing your future children with his family or your family? WIll that have to be equal? How will you split holidays between the families? Which family will get the most gifts, or will that have to be equal, even if you have different numbers of siblings or living grandparents?

    These are important things to discuss before figuring out how to pare down your list, or allow him to add more people.

    Good luck.
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You don't say who's paying the $5000 toward this wedding--if it's your parents, that's one thing, if it's his that's an entirely different story, and still another if you both are forking over every penny of the $5000.  Each of these scenarios presents a different end result.

    The first time I got married, we had an "even" number of people per side.  Whoever the bride invited was up to her and her family, same for the groom.  This last time we had no guests and no attendants, so again it was even, equal AND equitable.  Somehow I thought that's how most people worked their weddings--equal number of invitees on each "side."  

    I think I would be a little miffed, too, if I was putting money up, thought it would be even and now discover otherwise.  Although it's water under the bridge, that might have been a good thing to talk about.  So you need to work that out now.   Since invitations have not gone out (I hope), then it's still rectifiable.   It's simple--you either cut your list (thereby reducing the overall budget), or he adds folks to his.

    Also,most people put up X-post when they've posted the same thing on other boards, so that you don't get the same response twice, or the reader can go to the other board to respond there.
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  • bitsy_pixiebitsy_pixie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hey there,

    I'm Jessica I'm new here.

    Your wedding day shouldn't be about the guests!  It's about the two of you expressing your love for each other infront of the people that matter to you. 

    Like me you have a big family and that would make your guest list bigger.  We are also trying to plan a small wedding and our guest list is up to 84 but that includes children.  However even though I am the one with the large family he is the one with the most guests. 

    Anyway I am getting off track.  I think your man should concentrate more on the day ahead rather than who has more guests cause after the wedding your guests are his guests and his guests are you guests and it's equal.  You all will become family!

    All the best
  • edited December 2011

    My wedding included every single person on the planet that my DH is related to.  From my side, we only invited immediatefamily (except one brother who is dead to me), and one cousin (who is married to my best friend & MOH).  This was pretty equal for us.  If we invited my entire family, it would be over 200 people (which was what I did the first time).

    If you both are inviting the people who matter in your life, and are NOT inviting anyone because you HAVE TO, then my opinion is that you and he need to work this out.  Perhaps what he means is that you need to reevaluate your relationship with some of these people.  My wedding was about the same size as yours- we invited 75 and had yesses from about 65. That is an intimate crowd.  ~Donna

  • LabrnrLabrnr member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Instead of looking at it as your family/friends and his why not call them all "Your (as in both of you) family and friends. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Tell him to get over it. It doesn't have to be even.  My FI has more family and friends than me. I will have like 35 guests and he will have like 65. Oh well.
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  • edited December 2011
    Everything is not always exactly equal in marriage. Compromise is part of marriage. If he cannot compromise on this, what about much bigger issues in marriage? I wish you luck, let us know what happens!
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