How do you get people on board for your 2nd wedding (partial vent)?

bluejadex

Thus far, most people have been supportive and/or excited... I think my mom was somewhat surprised, so she neglected to congratulate us when we told her, but she did do so the next day. My dad..well...for a better idea, see my post about him walking me down the aisle (click here). FI's family is excited (his first wedding).

When I called to tell my grandparents (on my mom's side), I don't know that it went as well. My grandpa congratulated me and said they were happy for us, etc. My grandma, though she said the same, said other things that have been bothering me. She essentially asked me if this was going to be the last one and also said she thought we should just do something really small...maybe just have parents and grandparents at the ceremony and then let other close family (aunts, uncles, cousins) come for the reception (which will be not as formal...no dinner, just finger foods & cake as it'll be in the evening). I was trying to ask her which relatives I should invite and that's when she told me her thoughts (see here for more about the invite issue).

Now, as a note, my mom has been married and divorced twice. For her 2nd wedding (his 2nd as well), they were married in a church, had BP, fair amount of family, reception. Mom wore a wedding dress (not as fancy as some, but it was a wedding dress).

I know my grandma can be critical of people, so I'm trying to not take what she said personally... I've not always had the best relationship with her due to past occurances, but I have been trying to improve it. My ex & I rarely visited them and generally only came to 'important' family gatherings... My FI & I, however, visited them regularly and would stay to play cards/games with them, etc. I suppose I thought that would count for something and she might be more happy/excited about it.

I suppose part of me thought that after going through the disillusionment, things after that wouldn't be as hard, but this seems to be becoming somewhat difficult for me. It's not like I wanted to get married and have that fail....ex & I just weren't right for each other and got married because we thought that's what we were "supposed" to do.

I don't want my FI to feel bad, so I've talked to him some about this, but not to the fullest extent, I suppose. I'd like to be able to talk to my BF, but she had a baby a little over a month ago and has been pretty busy getting settled into that (which I do understand...have been trying to be supportive but give her time & space to get used to having a child). I'll probably try seeing what my mom thinks - see if my grandma reacted the same when my mom told her she was getting married again.

Anyone else dealing with similar reactions? Any advice?

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_how-do-you-get-people-on-board-for-your-2nd-wedding-partial-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:bd7080ce-e8dd-471c-b6dc-a5959dda49e1Post:6eeb3fe8-f597-4fe5-9188-d79e2c5f320d">Re: How do you get people on board for your 2nd wedding (partial vent)?</a>:
[QUOTE]Welcome to the board and congrats on your engagement! I didn't deal with the same issues you did, but could have. When we married in August 2011, it was my first marriage (like your fiance), but my husband's 3rd marriage. I did not experience what you are from his family, however, and I am grateful. I am older, probably your Mom's age. My parents are probably the age of your grandparents (in their 80's). My mom was "eh" about the wedding (sorta uninvolved), but mostly because she deals with my dad's health conditions, and while retired, they believe (rightly) that they've raised their family, have grandkids, and really only need to focus on "their stuff".  At no time did I ever feel that it was because they were not happy for me, or for my pending wedding. But then, again, I've lived a lot longer than you, and can put things into perspective. Be happy for your pending marriage, and make your fiance feel the same way. I'm sure you are focusing with a laser on the reactions you are getting from your family, much more than you should be. <strong><font color="#0000ff">Apparent indifference does not mean they don't care or aren't happy for you.</font></strong> They are simply in different places in their lives, and don't realize the impact their reactions have on and your fiance. Best wishes in your wedding planning, and please share all the details. We love to talk weddings!
Posted by Sue-n-Kevin[/QUOTE]

Repeat that to yourself, multiple times per day if necessary. Sue knows what she's talking about.  You might drive yourself crazy if you try to "get people on board" for <em>your</em> life's special moments.

megannie

My fiancee has had some serious health issues during our engagement, so I have honestly been doing most everything on my own. I was alone when I got my dress, went for the tasting, met with the photographer, etc. He goes with me, or helps when he can manage it, but it isn't often.  My BM's are grown women who don't live close to us, and are busy in their own lives.  They ordered their dresses, and I know will be here when the day comes, and I am blessed and so grateful to have them by my side.  Occasionally, I share pictures, and they are responsive. However, sometimes, I do wish for someone to be here just to offer an opinion, or help me with a decision, but I understand that's just the way it is...........

From the beginning, when the "it's your SECOND wedding" comments have come up, my fiancee has replied, "we may have been married before, but it's OUR FIRST wedding to each other". That has had the desired result.

Today, we happened to be visiting my future in laws, when my MIL asked me about the wedding, and how the planning was going. When I shared some information, she asked if she could come with me to see the venue, and then asked about the menu, flowers, music, ceremony, etc, and proceeded to be very supportive and helpful with everything I said, or asked her about. She finished by offering her help with anything I needed, and then said she would be happy to do whatever it was that we wanted, before the wedding and after.  (She is making homemade scottish shortbread for our guests to take home........my fiancee is from Scotland).

She then asked if she and my future FIL could pay for the rehearsal dinner. She said they would be honored to do it, as we are hosting the wedding ourselves, and she knows there have been some financial constraints based mostly on major medical expenses that were unexpected. We even had to cancel our honeymoon.

It was an unexpected, and happy blessing. We are only a few months out, but I am looking forward to having someone with me for some of the planning I have left.

Sometimes, when it gets closer, people come around. We have learned to ignore the naysayers, and to focus on our relationship, and choices, and not the negativity or harsh opinions of others.

Share your plans with the people who support you, and focus on the positive relationship you share with your fiancee. Don't let the others get you down