Can I not invite certain family members?

PhoenixMama

Alright... I know all etiquette says "NO!!  Family means invite, no ifs, buts, ors about it"

But... there is a good amount of my family that I do not talk to, and that plain do not like me and can be quite rude to me.  And they are the type that like to gossip and cause drama.... so inviting them in hopes they decline, that will not happen... they will accept and come, and likely make snide remarks about me.  In fact I won't even put it past them to start a divorce pool.  *sighs*  Yes, my family is... dysfunctional.

Same line... I know if I don't invite these people, it may cause WWIII in my family.

Part of me really really doesn't care.  Like, part of breaking free from the cycle of abuse is to start really thinking, "what is going to make me happy?!" instead of the constant walking on eggshells to try to please others, as in not upsetting my grandparents or Mom by not inviting a big chunk of her family.

Yes, I realize this post is sort a double standard/oxy-moron because I'm here wondering/worrying about what to do, with the underlying, what will they think and how will they react if I don't invite them...

But I guess... what would you do?  Honest opinions?  Take the leap and just start cutting ties with annoying family members?  Or, bite the bullet and invite the annoying ones and just smile at their antics on that big day?

(Note:  FI and I are funding this whole thing ourselves, if that makes any difference of opinion.  I know usually if you are the one footing the bill, you have more say in what goes... but not inviting family still seems a taboo subject.)

mmhepb

What are you defining as 'family'?  Are these your parents, siblings or grandparents?  Your aunts/uncles and cousins?  Or even further out on the tree?  

I would say you would want to invite your parents, siblings and grandparents regardless (almost, there are boundaries that can't be crossed like abuse or abandonment).  

As for the rest, it is your & FI's day and dime, so don't invite them.  Sounds like there will be drama regardless of if you invite them or not, so why pay for them to bring drama to you???

PhoenixMama

*nods*  Yes, to clarify, parents, siblings and grandparents are all on the must invite list.

This is just aunts/uncles and cousins.  There are some aunts/uncles/cousins I really like and would like to invite... there are others... I really don't want to.  And it's all on my Mom's side.  So all of my Dad's side would be invited... and a lot of aunts/uncles/cousins would be cut from my Mom's side.  Which would cause major drama.  They pride themselves on being a "close-knit big family" which is a bunch of BS, because there are most certainly cliques within... and I'm not in any of them.  :P  I march to my own drum these days.

nmauser82

Have you discussed it with your mom? She might surprise you and be on your side. We had this issue with some of DH's family. He ademently refused to invite them. I thought it was going to turn out to be a big issue. Then when we compared our list with his parent's list, we found out that the completely agreed with us about not inviting these people.

right1thistime

I don't think there is etiquette anywhere that dictates who you must invite.  My DH invited every known relative he has.  If I did that it would be over 200 on my side alone.  (We had 70 total at our wedding).  I chose not to invite my mother's sisters, who are Judgey McJudgersons, although I love them very much.  I didn't invite any of my father's family, as they are distant. 

When my mother's sister asked me outright if she was invited, I just used the "oh, its a second wedding, we are keeping it small" answer.

I had no intention of inviting people that were either going to tsk tsk at our choices, or people that I hadn't spoken to since my first wedding.  Frankly, anyone whose shorts get in a knot about not being invited need to go find a charitable cause to expend their energy on.  Telling me how to host a party isn't going to happen. 

I'll repeat the essence of  what I said to you below -- find/ make your own happiness.  When you rely on other people to either make you happy OR protect you from feeling unhappy, you will be disappointed. ~Donna

mybooboos

It your wedding day.  There's no reason to invite someone that will knowingly put a damper on your day, or distract from it.  You invite to your wedding whoever will be there to support you and are genuinely happy for the both of you.  

On another board, a couple did not invite FIs mother, because she drops derogatory one liners whenever she gets the chance, and is a "Debbie Downer".  I think, if they could harm your day, regardless of the relation, than don't invite them.  Use the "we were limited in our seating" as your out.

Good luck! 

lindaloulubbock

I invited cousins on my mom's side but not on my dad's.  I'm closer to the one's on my mom's side, this is a small wedding, blah, blah, blah, what everyone else said. 

Seriously, though, you have nearly 2 years before you have to worry about this, a lot can change in that time.

Lisa50

I have a nephew who has not been invited.  He uses drugs and steals from people, plus makes a total ass of himself at family events.

I have two nieces who have not been invited.  Both have contacted me since my father has been ill, one with whom I'd not spoken to in over 10 years, the other that I've never heard from at all.  Ever.

That's what I'm doing.  Report me to the Etiquette police.  They can spend the evening with my crack-head nephew.  So there! 

Browneyes72

I guess the etiquette police will be getting a report about me as well.  I'm not inviting my sister and her family to my wedding.  She has to make everything about her and her family doesn't understand that somethings are just rude and should not be done (like texting during funerals, church, etc).  I don't want to have to deal with them the day of my wedding.  I want to look bak and think this was a drama-free and peaceful day.  I have not said anything to my parents yet.  My mom already thinks we should elope.

fireytiger

Heck, I guess i'd be getting a citation from the etiquette police too. I explicitly did not invite my mother because she is a destructive influence in my life, and while I don't hate her, I didn't want her at my wedding because she tends to cause a big scene. My dad is bringing her anyway, much to my great irritation, but I guess there's not much I can do about it, except prepare for damage control should the need arise.

PhoenixMama

It is true a lot can change in 2 years... but our budget won't suddenly become bigger.  lol  And these are people that have never been fond of me in my 30 years... so yeah, don't see that changing either.  lol

I think I'm just going to prepare for a thicker skin when the bitching starts about so and so being invited and not so and so.  I'm going to invite only people I'm close to, and use the "we had limited financial resources, and I had to pair down somehow, and invited only people I am the closest with."

If people who don't speak to me to begin get upset... whatever.  :P

Thanks for the validation ladies!

butterflyroy78

I live by a very strict rule. My life is too short to be treated badly. Therefore, if you do not treat me well, you are not permitted to be in my life, especially not allowed to attend my  wedding! I would make those cuts, girl! LOL! Seriously, you deserve to be appreciated on your day, not torn apart!

wolfsmagic13

Speaking from experience of not inviting certain family members and dealing with the dramatic out come...I chose not to invite the step brothers on my mother's side simply because we don't talk or see each other.  We haven't in the past three years or more unless it was a "forced" stituation upon which other family memebers had us in the same room at the same time.  My DH and I footed the bill on everything except dinner, my father did pay for that but he didn't care who came, he just wanted to know the number of hungry people he was feeding.  Momzilla on the other hand blew up like a fourth of July firework.  She has gone as far as saying she wasn't involved in my first wedding (can we say _______________ - pick your favorite swear word here) and this one no she wasn't.   The stepbrothers went as far as being childish on fb and leaving messages on my public wall about being snubbed which was childish.  However as I explained to their wives, you guys always have Christmas together and other family times and I don't rant like a toddler so chill and relax, life goes on and it was a second wedding simple and small.  So yes there will be backlash and feelings hurt, hopefully your FI will be strong and supportive through this like my DH has been for me and just remember life goes on with or without them.  Besides this is a time for you and FI to be with those that you guys care about and they care about you, tell the drama queens its a drama free zone  Just my two cents

kmmssg

The good news is you don't have to have this discussion with your mom for a very long time.

I am one who believes in cutting truly toxic people out of my life. I have a toxic sibling and we don't spend time together because I value my sanity and If I kill her I would need to make a lot of calls to come up with the bail money.

Your mom will not accept this well but you already know that.  Be prepared for it.  It will be an ugly conversation and she will probably be devastated.  Sometimes that is unavoidable.  If you decide not to invite them, you will have to set big boundaries with your mom and let her know it is a topic that is closed and and won't be revisited.  When she tries, you wil have to remind her it is closed.  If she keeps at it, you wil have to end the call or visit everytime she does that until she quits.

You wil also have to be very mindful of what she is going to put up with from these wonderful relatives for probably years to come.  You need to balance the whole picture here.  Your sanity and toxic-free wedding day as well as backlash she may have to deal with.

Boundaries are good and healthy.  Make sure they are balanced. Good luck.