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Second Weddings
how to politely ask for no gifts but cash OK
This is neither of our first marriages, we are both in our 40's and have pretty much everything. I wouldn't mind cash gifts but I realize we can't ask for that, so how do we politely decline wedding gifts? I had a travel agency at a bridal show suggest that it is OK to ask for contributions towards the honeymoon. Has anyone heard of this?
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Re: how to politely ask for no gifts but cash OK
I am not a honeymoon registry proponent, but it is better than either of the two options you listed above. The only way you can politely spread the word about that registry is by word of mouth or if asked-- NO REGISTRY CARDS IN THE INVITATIONS. ~Donna
We asked for no gifts period and ended up still getting a few things, which was very generous and not necessary at all as we are in a similar position in that we don't need anything.
There is no polite way to ask for gifts - because asking for gifts is not polite.
It is polite and protocol to bring a gift to a wedding and personally I would never show up without a gift to a wedding. Even my best friend (second timer too) who explicitely told us no gifts, I gave a gift.
My mother wanted me to put my registery on my invitation. ummmm no way mom. She's very very old school Greek (age78) and doesn't know current protocol. "How are people going to know what to get"? she says.... "mom.... really... on this one trust me they will figure it out"
I listed a registery on the very bottom of my wedding website. I registered for new sheets and towels and kitchen items at Bed Bath and Beyond and Crate and Barrell.
If anyone asks about it just say that you won't be registering. If they press the issue (but then what do I get you?) then it's ok to ask for cash.
Interestingly, in this weekend's edition of the Boston Globe - Miss Conduct - the etiquette columnist answered a "how to request no gifts" question. She noted that traditional etiquette required one to not mention gifts, but that in her opinion, if you truly want no gifts, you can say it. Here is the text:
My wife and I were invited to a golden anniversary party of friends. He is in his early 80s and she is in her mid- to late-70s. The invitation read “NO GIFT.” My wife and I have never heard nor seen anything like this. Can you please tell us what one should do when receiving this kind of invitation? We do not want to be embarrassed or embarrass the couple who invited us. B.M. / Randolph Requesting “no gifts” is an increasingly common practice, B.M., although I hope your friends actually didn’t express it quite that commandingly!
A handful of etiquette experts still hold out against putting “No gifts, please” or similar language on invitations, because they think it’s rude to imply that people will of course be bringing you tribute in the first place. Most, however, including myself, think it’s perfectly reasonable and proper.
As for you, you should go along with your friends’ wishes and not bring a gift. People generally have good reasons for doing a “no gifts” request – parents who want to teach nonmaterialistic values, for example, or people who marry in their 40s and already have a well-set-up home. In the case of your friends, 50 years of marriage ought to be enough time to get a household and a home entertainment library thoroughly well appointed, and they may be at a point in their lives where they’d rather get rid of things than accumulate more.
Now, if you are one of those who must bring a gift, regardless – some folks are like that – then bring something small or sentimental (a framed picture of all of you in earlier days, a DVD of a movie you’d enjoyed together) or consumable (a nice bottle of wine or gourmet olive oil). Make sure you give the gift tactfully and in private, so as not to embarrass other guests who did follow the directive.
Most people, I think, have encountered “no gifts” invitations before, B.M., but you’re certainly not alone in being flummoxed by them.
Set up a card box at your reception for your guests. Anytime I have been invited to a wedding that I know for sure is a second for one or both, I give either cash or a gift card - its quick, simple, painless, and this way I know they are getting exactly what they want or need.
The honeymoon registries, IMO are a scam. Most of them take a cut of the money people pitch in (they have to stay in business, after all). If I were to give money as a gift, I'd prefer to just write a check and put it in a card so the couple in question got every penny instead.
Registries and gifts are a very contentious subject around the boards so I will tip-toe around this one. This is what WE did, we have 2 households full of stuff, we agreed that we don't need more "stuff" so I left the gift registry section of the website active and I just simply said "no gifts please". Would I like cash? Of course! Could we use some? Absolutely. BUT that is not the reason we are planning this wedding, we just want to share this moment with them. If by writing "no gifts please" cuts the chance of us getting cash, so be it.
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