Moms and Maids

MOG not coming to wedding

I just had my bridal shower this past weekend. My FMIL came to VT from NY along with FI Aunt and Grandmother. The plan was for FMIL, Aunt and Grandmother to go to my Grandmother's house to see the flower girls dresses and then to come back to my parents house for dinner. From what I have been told, I was not there, was FI's grandmother said she was tired and they were going back to the hotel, they just drove 6 hours for the bridal shower. I guess after that was said my mother didn't ask them back for dinner. Once FI's family got back to NY FI called to see how the drive went. Apparently it did not go very well because his mother said his family will no longer be attending the wedding. I know it was wrong for my Mother not to invite them back to her house for dinner, because that was the plan. But to not come to her son's wedding because of it. Is she over reacting. I am not supposed to know that they are upset and I am not supposed to tell my family. FI's mother told him not to tell me. I really don't know wht to do. FI can't see getting married without his mother there. We have been together 8 years without a major problem. I am scared of what this is going to do to our relationship. Please help.

Re: MOG not coming to wedding

  • edited December 2011
    Were they aware of this plan of going to look at the dresses and then go to dinner?  If they knew about dinner then I don't feel this is entirely on your moms shoulders.  Sure it would have been nice for your mom to call and remind them but if they were already invited, they knew they were welcome.I think it's wrong for them to expect your FI to keep this a secret from you.  This is my personal opinion but there is no one that could threaten not to be at my wedding that would hold it up.  I just don't get it and to make matters worse for you, there hasn't been much going on so this has to be out of the blue for you. 
  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Something else happened.  Whether you know it or not I have a strong feeling this is not the whole story and either your FI is keeping the rest of the truth from you, or his mother is keeping the rest of the truth from him.  She isn't not coming because your mother didn't remind them about dinner.Had I been your mom I probably would have mentioned dinner as they were leaving but, like I said, more took place than this.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm agreeing with Duckie on this.  There's more to the story.  I'm also uncomfortable with our FMIL wanting your FI to keep secrets from you.  I'm glad he told you.What I'd advise is that FI talks to his mom to see if he can find out why she's over-reacting like this.  And then I'd call her bluff. "I'm so sorry you feel that you can't attend my wedding mom.  We'll miss you terribly."FWIW:  I've been MOG and MOB and have one more child.  I'd crawl over burning coals mixed with broken glass to attend my children's weddings.  Don't play into her drama.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with most of what has already been written.  FI need to say to his mom, "You understand that this is my bride you think I'm going to keep secrets from.  I don't work that way.  So you better just confess to whatever the real problem is.  I'm not keeping secrets from my bride."  Not telling your family is not the issue. (I wouldn't.)  But not telling you is a big issue.  A man must leave his parents and cleave to his wife.  It is time for him to handle his mother.  If he lets her hold him hostage I would walk away. My MIL actully tried something like this right after we got engaged and my husband didn't speak to her for a week even though they were living in the same house.  If he has trouble choosing between you and his mommy walk away, no RUN.
  • TruchanaTruchana member
    edited December 2011
    Ok to answer the first question, is she over reacting and possibly bluffing?  YES! If she threatened to not come to the wedding but at the same time doesn't want you to know, then she is just being irrational.  She probably doesn't want you to know because she doesn't want to cause a big scene and knows she's being irrational. If she really wasnt going to go, you would find out eventually...Secondly, and as everyone else has said...something else happened.  What, is beyond me.  I guess I don't understand the dinner thing.  was it known that they would be coming back for dinner? If it was, why would your parents have to invite them again.  A curteous, "will we be seeing you at dinner" would've been nice but not necessary. If your own mom was put out because his grandma needed a nap, shame on her.  Old people get tired easily  and need naps. The whole thing doesn't make sense.If it was me, I would still personally ask my mom about it.  I wouldn't let her know they threatened not to come, I would just say that they seemed upset about stuff but it's not clear to you why and that they didn't even want you to know in the first place.  Maybe mom will give you the scoop.
  • edited December 2011
    So, your mom threw a little temper tantrum and excluded them from dinner?   What does she say when you ask her about that.   I'd be pretty mad at my mom if DH's family went to all that trouble and then was snubbed by my family.  Sounds like your MIL has hurt feelings, and I don't blame her.    I think your mom should call and apologize.   She doesn't even have to mention that they all know MIL is refusing to come.   She can just say that she feels badly she acted that way and apologize. 
  • dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    this woman is totally overreacting!  grandma wanted a nap...fine.  i wouldn't blame your mom...certainly there is more to this.  however, i would tell my mother and get the real story from her.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm with just about everyone else. There's more to this. My daughter's dad sent his RSVP card back with his regrets that he won't be attending. It's spite because she asked me to walk her down the aisle. Now, that's petty too. But nowhere near as petty as a dinner. There's something missing. Also agree about your fiance calling her bluff. There is nothing on this earth that would keep me from my daughter's wedding, and there is nothing I would ever do to possibly give her even a tiny bad memory from that day. ALSO agree that if she isn't bluffing, and he really can't get married without her there? Run. His mother will be in charge of your married life from that point forward. Here's what I'm doing, and maybe it will help you too. I keep telling myself (and my daughter, who, of course is upset) that we can't control what other people think or do, and if this is how it's going to be, nothing we can do. Everything happens for a our case, the reason is that we can tell security to relax, they don't have to keep an eye on his girlfriend now. In your case, you just don't know the reason yet. I've also told my daughter (and myself) that so far we know 103 people DO love her and want to share this with her. They'll be two lonely people sitting home by themselves. She has friends who are family by choice, if not by blood. There's at least another 22 who want to be there because they love her but can't for whatever reason. Try to find out what's going on, don't hide anything from anybody (always bad idea), and then if necessary, let it go. There is NOTHING you can do. Best of luck and it'll be a beautiful wedding with or without her!
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