Moms and Maids

Re: no thanks

  • First, I'm sorry you're feeling hurt by your daughters choices for her wedding :-(.  But that said, you can't expect your daughter or your relationship to magically change.  You say you have a shakey history - I would guess this is contributing to her reactions.  I don't want to make it sound like this is your fault, b/c its a two way street, but in the end YOUR actions are the only ones you can control so you've gotta see what you can change and then hope for the best.

    I'm just guessing here, based on some typcial mother/daughter issues, but maybe in the past she's felt you're overcritical about her appearance and is afraid if you were getting ready together you'd unknowningly insult her or upset her?  Or perhaps she has some specific 'getting ready' photos in mind with her friends and feels it would be a little overcrowded?  Or maybe she doesn't want ther FMIL there and worries if you were involved and FMIL wasn't that it would cause extra drama?  She's the only one who can answer those questions, so if it's really a big deal for you, you need to talk to her about it. 

    You mention that anything you say turns into a fight. No one knows your relationship better than you, so I don't necessarily know how you might better approach her . My mother and I have a really solid relationship, but I know she and her mother fight a lot b/c she feels like she's always being criticized, so even when g-ma brings up something really innocuous it's hard for my mom to respond calmly b/c she's already at her limit of calmness from ignoring all of the criticisms. (and I know g-ma doesn't mean anything by it, she just doesn't realize how much her opinion matters so when she "makes suggestions" it cuts pretty deep)  Perhaps a third party like your husband or son might be able to give you some insight?  Whatever it ends up being try not to take it to heart. 

    Last but not least, don't take the bachelor party thing personally. Especially if there was a stripper involved I imagine having your future father in law present would be really awkward.

    I wish you the best of luck with all of this.
  • It sounds to me that there is more going on than just what you've included here. You mention a shakey history but clearly there are some hard or hurt feelings on both ends. It sounds like your daughter has included you. I'm getting married in October and my mom isn't really doing anything in the wedding or ceremony. Not because we don't get along, in fact we talk every day,  but because there isn't really a role for her to play. She is throwing a bridal shower. You could always throw one for your daughter. My advice would be to throw a shower for your daughter, not you and not for your relationship. Make it something you KNOW she will LOVE.  It sounds like you and your daughter are both under a lot of pressure which is causing some stress. It's not nice of her to ask you to keep out of her way when she's getting ready but if there is already tension I'm sure she wants to avoid tension at all costs on the big day. Remember that your daughters fiance has a say in this too. Though my family includes a bunch of party animals who love my FI, I think that  my FI would be worried about partying/making a bad impression in front of my father. I am not requiring or even asking him to invite Dad to the BP! 

    Good Luck!
    Lime
  • While I'm sorry you're hurting over this, it does sound a bit like maybe you're hurting because your expectations are on the unrealistic side.  My mom and I have an amazing relationship, and she's one of my best friends, and the only things she's been involved with in my wedding planning have been dress shopping and planning to walk me down the aisle.  I don't even know what else she'd want to be involved in...it doesn't take an army of people to go tour venues or taste cakes, you know?  You really just need the bride and groom.

    And frankly, and I'm saying this in the nicest way possible, but it is completely unrealistic to expect the father and brother of the bride to be invited to the groom's bachelor party.  While I have HEARD of people doing that, it is by far the deviation from the norm.  And it's the groom's decision, not the bride's, who goes to the bachelor party anyway; why would you blame your daughter for that?

    Which kind of brings me to my last point- with fighting, as with most other things, it takes two to tango.  If everything you say starts a fight, maybe there's something about what you're saying?
  • Ditto PPs. I think you may have a right to feel slighted but I think you're only going to push her away more if you pick fights. Either try to lessen your expectations or have a heart to heart with her about how you miss her and wish you could do more together. Try to make it about her and your relationship more than the wedding related stuff, because I agree that this seems to be deeper than that.

    My FI would not want my father or brothers involved in his bachelor party, even if strippers were not involved. They aren't close. The bachelor party should be for the groom and his closest friends/relatives. I'm sorry if that hurts, but it sounds like it is probably the case here, and like others said, they are not usually invited to the bachelor party.

    Also? He isn't the host of that party (at least he shouldn't be), so he may have had a limited say in who was invited. For all you know, the groom wanted them to be invited, along with 2-20 other people, but the GMs/host couldn't afford that many people.
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • Wow...I guess the OP didn't get the pity party she wanted so she DD? 
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