Moms and Maids

Hurt and disappointed (long)

Okay, i'm gonna start off by saying that 6 months ago i moved across country already knowing i would be my best friend's MOH and would be travelling back home for the wedding (which cost a lot in the end).
I just got engaged last week and i had already discussed with my bff that when i got married she would probably be my MOH and only bm. Because of the fact that my family and my fh's family live on opposite sides of the country we decided that Las Vegas would be the best option. It's cheap for both sides, and cheap to get married there in general.
Here is the part that hurts me; i know i was the one that moved away but i sacrificed a lot to be a part of her wedding. The plane ticket was a lot, not to mention all the stuff that comes along with being the MOH (throwing parties etc.). My then bf had to miss 3 days of work, and being that he's the only one bringing in money it cost us a lot. She knows all of this. So when i tell her when we want to get married she says she can't miss a single day of school and there is no way she can be there. So i keep trying to give her options and she shoots them all down.

I'm basically having to pick a date around her schedule of school and her honeymoon. It just hurts me that she can't compromise a little with me to be there for me on my day like i was for her.

As it stands right now, i feel like she's avoiding me (thru text) because she doesn't want to deal with this whole situation. I need to set a date, soon. I'm trying to make myself, and my fh happy while still having the second most important person (for me) at my very small wedding.Cry

Re: Hurt and disappointed (long)

  • edited December 2011
    Well if she can't miss school, she can't. I am in Grad school right now and would not be able to miss a day of class to go to a wedding. The same goes for undergrad. (I'm assuming she's in some type of college situation). Many professors will even dock you points if you miss class. I would put my grades above a wedding too. I know it feels personal, but you can't take it personally. You chose to have a DW where people would have to travel, so you have to accept that along with that, it means you'll have a higher decline rate possibly than if you had it locally (I understand why you chose Vegas, but there will still be people who can't come). Weddings aren't tit for tat. Although you CHOSE to pay to fly to her wedding and go to a DW for her, it doesn't mean she has to reciprocate. Are you hounding her about this? That could be why she is avoiding you.

    You need to focus on your friendship with her first and foremost and stop discussing her attending your wedding. Would I be bummed if a best friend couldn't make my wedding? Of course. But I wouldn't keep guilt tripping them into coming if their circumstances didn't allow. You don't have to plan your wedding around her schedule if you don't want to. If you absolutely have to have her there, then you'll need to do so. The choice is up to you.


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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree. School trumps a wedding. One of my BMs will likely miss all parties and maybe even the RD due to school. 

    Weddings are not tit for tat. Just because you did all that for her doesn't mean she HAS to for you. You did that out of the kindness of your heart, right? I mean I get why you are hurt, I would be too! But you can't really hold it against her, you know? School is kind of a big, life changing deal. Not that your wedding isn't, but it isn't as life changing for her. 
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  • starree444starree444 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm not hounding her about it at all. I have barely talked to her for three days.
    I have already told her that i would change the potential date to when she is done with school. I'm in school too and i had to miss about 4 days.
    Her and her husband are planning a trip to vegas for part of their honeymoon anyway, so i suggested they coincide. She basically told me she would come if that was the only way it would work out, but also that she's going to be selfish (her words, not mine). I understand that her and her nh have lots they want to do in vegas, I'm not asking for anything more than her coming to the ceremony and reception.

    I talked to her hubby about how hurt i was and he seemed to be a little more rational about it.

    It just seems that no matter what solution i come up with, it's bad.
  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I got married during my first semester of nursing school.  I planned my wedding for Memorial weekend (we were marrying across country from where we live) because I could not miss school at all.  It sucks but it happens.  If you really want her to be there then try to work something out.
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  • edited December 2011
    I understand your feeling on this.  I just went through something like with my MOH.  She would not go to any luncheons, would not get dressed with with the rest of the girls before the wedding.  I told how the bussel is done she kept saying ya, I got it.  But she did not I came undone and I almost tripped.  Then (I don't care if this sound petty) I went all the gifts and cards and she and her husband did not get  a damn thing. 
    But I can say this I been through a high pressure school where you can not miss one day. 
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_hurt-disappointed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:213c492c-35a5-4a68-9d23-e263239ed5e5Post:a51047b5-92af-4a10-93b7-44c209cf3759">Re: Hurt and disappointed (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I understand your feeling on this.  I just went through something like with my MOH.  She would not go to any luncheons, would not get dressed with with the rest of the girls before the wedding.  I told how the bussel is done she kept saying ya, I got it.  But she did not I came undone and I almost tripped.  Then (I don't care if this sound petty) I went all the gifts and cards and she and her husband did not get  a damn thing.  But I can say this I been through a high pressure school where you can not miss one day. 
    Posted by Shannon1011[/QUOTE]

    <div>Wow, your situation is NOTHING like OP. Your MOH is NOT required to go to the luncheons, nor get dressed with the other WP, as for the bussel you could have easily asked or shown many other people just in case you couldn't find her during the reception. And for the not getting a card nor gift. You sound EXTREMELY petty, your WP spends money on you when they are involved in your wedding, do you REALLY expect a gift on top of it. Seriously, get over the fact that you may not get a gift or card because NO guest is required to give anything, and I would hope that the presence of your friend is enough. It blows my mind when people care about objects and money over people. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for you OP, you are not required to plan parties if you don't want to or are tight on funds. You can be disappointed that your friend isn't be more accommodating but truth be told school is more important than a wedding and I have been through a class where if you miss more than 1 class you instantly drop a grade (more than 2 and you fail), I've also been in classes that unless it is a death (in which you have to present a Death Certificate, no joke) your absence is not excuse and can effect your grade. If you truly want your friend there try to work with her schedule, if you just can't find something just hope for the best and understand that some schools just don't tolerate absences. </div>
  • edited December 2011
    I know it's hurtful, but coming from a student, it's not a simple as "OMG, my best friend's getting married! Drop everything and go to Vegas for a week!" Your lives may be at different places, and you both may have totally different priorities.

    I know you feel like you were there for her, why can't she be there for you? It's not as if she purposely is shooting down your ideas and avoiding you to make you mad, or because she's self centered. She is probably feeling bad about not being able to go along with your ideas, however at the same time I think asking her to use part of her honeymoon to attend your wedding is expecting a little much. Honeymoons are meant to be just for the bride and groom, and I know you aren't meaning to infringe upon that, but her saying she wants to be selfish is probably her lighthearted way of telling you that she wants it to be alone time with her and her new husband. 

    You need to have a serious heart to heart with her, and explain your wedding date is hinging on her being there, and that it's extremely important to you that she be there. In the end, if she can't be there, that will be really awful, but try not to let it spoil your day!
  • starree444starree444 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't want to make her feel guilty at all. I haven't told her "well i did all this for you so you should be doing all this for me".
    I totally understand where she is coming from with her school and her honeymoon, but i really don't think she understands where i'm coming from.

    We haven't really had a big talk about it yet. I'm hoping to this week, but i think she has exams.
  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Tbh, it doesn't really seem you like see where she's coming from with her school and her honeymoon since you're still hurt about this at all. This is not a case of her being selfish or a bad friend, this is a case of her being in SCHOOL - which she is paying thousands and thousands of dollars for and legitimately may not be able to miss - and on her Honeymoon. The fact that you would even think it's ok to interrupt her Honeymoon for your wedding blows my mind. The fact that she has exams coming up and yet you think she's avoiding you because she's not answering your texts (umm... hello, probably has nothing to do with you, probably has to do with the fact that she's studying) tells me that you're very over sensitive in general.

    I think the big talk should wait until you decide if you're prepared to work around her schedule or not. Why is she having to miss a day anyway? Are you having a weekday wedding? Are you insisting on having it during the regular school year? If the answer is yes to either of those than you are being extremely unreasonable.

    Personally I think your "big talk" should wait until you can control yourself enough to realize that she's not being a bad friend and that you're overreacting by having hurt feelings, and it should consist of "Can you give me your school schedule?" rather than choosing random dates and running them by her. Choose a date for a time school's not in session. There's always a week or two between semesters, even if she's taking summer classes.
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  • starree444starree444 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    ^ Thanks for your opinion.

    I already have her school schedule. HER husband was the one that originally suggested having it during their honeymoon. She is not in university so there aren't as many breaks as you think there probably are.

    I am not over sensitive but thank you for making me feel like a crybaby.
  • m&eguntonm&egunton member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It might also be her way of telling you that she can't be an MOH in as polite a way as possible.  Maybe she knows how much time and effort and energy you put into being hers and it just might be that if she's to be your MOH she wants to do right by you and if she can't, she'd rather not be so that your friendship isn't ruined.  Instead ask her if she could be a BM, if she could fly out for the day then fly back home so she could be there for you.

    And if her husband suggested a day during their honeymoon, it could be his way of trying to make things right between his wife and you.  Our men want to fix things for us, even when we can fix things ourselves and if his wife is hurt by this, then this might be his solution to a problem upsetting his wife, even if it's not what his wife wants.

    When next you speak to your friend, ask her up front if she feels as if she can do it properly.  Heck, even ask if she'd be able to be your MOH during Christmas break or Easter Break... she just might have the time... even if it isn't a traditional university schedule.

    Good luck figuing this out and I hope you and your best friend can find a day where she's able to be there as you were able to be there for her.
  • edited December 2011
    examine your motives for doing what you did for her? did you do all you did for her because you are a caring and loving person or did you do them expecting something in returen? if it is the latter than unknowingly you are manipulating this relationship.  Its really not worth losing a friendship over, if she really is your best friend, then continue being the loving and caring person you are and accommodate the restraints in her schedule if that's what they really are. Maybe she really doesn't want to be your MOH, talk it over again with her and figure it out.  If she can't be there for you like you were there for her then you are just gonna have to accept it or get another MOH and give her a lesser position in your wedding. Either way she should be included in the wedding party if she wants to be and if not then a guest at your wedding. 
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