On a vent roll today

i2012do

My knot has been acting screwy for a long time, so I don't mean to be on a vent roll but I have been  having this sh*t build for a while.

Basically, my family is super traditional. Including my great aunts and uncles that aren't really accepting of "Alternative" lifestyles.

I am paranoid that they are going to say something rude to my FI's sister who lives an "alternative" lifestyle.

I don't want her to be offended. But I also love htem, and love them regardless of whether or not they can accept differences that people have int he world- openly now, that might now have been so open before.

My mom said that I should ask my fiances sister not to wear a tux to the wedding out of respect to the above said family members.
I think that;s disrespectful to HER.
 I mean she should dress as she pleases.

She thinks some of my older relatives will be turned off, and the entire wedding will be focused on that- rather than what the day is aout- love, marriage, commitment.

I really can't ask her that. THAT"S unbelievebale that my mom even said that.
She is just trying to "keep the peace"

I refused and said people can wear what they want to wear, they can bring a man, woman, iguana, or leprechuan to the wedding ias a date if they want-- now my mom is pissed at me.

My mom said most people would understand where she is coming from, its respect of Elders.
It hink shes insane and I'm right

Ok vents over. I don't know how to meet my mom in the middle on this one.

mob2689

I am quite sure no one would say anything "out" of line, given she will be wearing a tux.  Nor do I think the "elders" will frown down upon you or your mother. If they do then shame on them. 

Let's face it, I am sure she( who is wearing the Tux) has heard all of it before.  I am older and I have "conformed",  no one in our family lives the alt. lifestyle but I  have worked and do work with some that do and would have absolutly  no problem of them attending my daughters wedding. To me it's like saying if your skin is purple you can not come. Could you call it discrimination and discuss it like that?

i2012do

That's true I didn't think of it like that.
We were just at a family event and a family friend is also transgender- some of my family members were whisphering about it and calling it a "Shame"
it really irks me, especially because I know that it hurts my fiances feelings.

Im lucky to be close to my mom- that I can call her out on her being absolutely ridic.
You made a good point. Shes not worried about Fi's sister and having my older relatives offend her, she;s worried about how "she" will look to other people on the day of.

How it reflects on her..

TheCranberry

If someone was whispering about one of my friends or other family members at my event, I would take them to the side and quietly tell them to keep their opinions to themselves or if they could not, they should leave.

Your mother should be more worried about the fact that her family members have such bad manners that they will let what one person is wearing overshadow your day.  I agree with you that it would be horrible to ask your FSIL to wear something she doesn't want to wear just to appease people.  Tell your mom it could be worse, she could show up in pasties and a thong.

hlq2011

You're in the right here.  Your mom needs to get over it.

MairePoppy

Ok, the knot is really screwed up. I just made a long post and it disappeared when I submitted it. The second time today that this has happened. I wonder if it will show up later.

I'm an MOB. My brother is gay and in a committed relationship. The first time I invited him and his partner to a family event, I was very nervous. I have some ignorant people (who I happen to love very much) in my family, too. I wasn't sure how my parents would deal with it if anyone said anything negative. Guess what? Everyone treated my brother and his partner with respect. Afterwards, my mom told me that she was very relieved to have everything out in the open.

At my daughters wedding, my brother and his partner will be seated at my table. If I hear anything negative about them or any other guest, I will not hesitate to quietly correct the situation. But I'm not expecting any problems.

You are absolutely correct. Respect goes both ways. It's not right to ask anyone to pretend to be something they aren't. Stick to your guns.

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_vent-roll-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:311c04e4-946d-45f0-8748-4362f2713636Post:91f5227d-e389-4b86-95ff-3c99375d567f">Re: On a vent roll today</a>:
[QUOTE]Respect goes both ways. You're disrespecting her if you do this. Oh....and respect has to be EARNED.<strong> I don't respect anyone who would expect me to ask my friends to accommodate their bigotry.
</strong>Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Love this!

Hon, I'm a pretty conservative Christian MOB and I think your mom is totally in the wrong here.  The "elders" will deal with it.

Your mom is probably embarassed and doesn't want to deal with the elders.  YOU need to stick to your guns and respect your future SIL.  Tell mom it is a closed topic and in time, she will deal with it.

KateG528

I will probably be the black sheep response here, but I can see where your mom is coming from.  No she is not right to be like this, and no its not right for the elders to say anything, but elderly people are more likely to be upset about change because its things that they were taught and endoctrinated to hate as young adults.  If it will cause a rift in your family, FI's sister could wear a pants suit or some other female outfit.  It does not have to be prissy, but in respect for your family there could be a compromise.  Yes, they should respect her, but at the same time she should have enough respect for the elderly members of your family to understand that the world is changing and they are being left behind.  Sorry if everyone disagrees with me, but thats my opinion.  

Good luck with this craziness. :

courtney1188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_vent-roll-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:311c04e4-946d-45f0-8748-4362f2713636Post:90a59b10-3884-4062-baa1-ed66030da375">On a vent roll today</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom said most people would understand where she is coming from, its respect of Elders.
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

I HATE this line of thinking. Hatehatehateeee. My family is like this, they're always getting on my brother's case. The current favorite is that he should be uncomfortable and wear long sleeves all summer to hide his tattoo to respect his elders. Wtf.

I'd tell your mom that it's not about respecting elders, it's about everyone, including the elders, respecting the fact that other's lifestyle choices are not their business, do not affect them, and that it's rude to gossip about.

calindi

The only person's outfit the bride truly gets to choose is her own, and to some extent the groom's, groomsmen's and bridesmaid's (and flower girl, ring bearer, etc.).  Other than that, everyone can wear whatever they want.

Seriously, you're are SO right here and your mother is SO wrong.  Unfortunately, you can't change your Mom, but you can stand up for your FSIL and lay down the law.  Tell your Mom that you're disappointed in her bigotry and that you expected more from her.  That you love your FSIL the way she is, whatever she chooses to wear or who she dates, and that you'll hope your Mom will keep her opinions to herself.  And any family member who thinks otherwise isn't deserving to attend the wedding, because your FSIL is part of your family now and thus they are disrespecting YOU by disrespecting HER.

bstent

Good for you for standing up to your family and standing up for you FSIL. Your mom and other family members will get over it, your FSIL may not if you ask her to hide who she is. I definitely don't agree with asking her to wear a more feminine outfit. Obviously I don't know your FSIL, but (generalization/assumption being made) she may have already spent at least part of her life having to act like someone she's not. Asking her to wear something she's uncomfortable in may make her feel like you aren't comfortable with or accepting of her. Stay strong! Your FSIL is lucky to have you

phunluvin82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_vent-roll-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:311c04e4-946d-45f0-8748-4362f2713636Post:24f03c4e-f786-45bd-9aab-371a2da683c9">Re: On a vent roll today</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to On a vent roll today : I HATE this line of thinking. Hatehatehateeee. My family is like this, they're always getting on my brother's case. The current favorite is that he should be uncomfortable and wear long sleeves all summer to hide his tattoo to respect his elders. Wtf. <strong>I'd tell your mom that it's not about respecting elders, it's about everyone, including the elders, respecting the fact that other's lifestyle choices are not their business, do not affect them, and that it's rude to gossip about.
</strong>Posted by courtney1188[/QUOTE]

The bolded part!  These are my thoughts exactly.  You are in the right and should stick to your guns...otherwise your FSIL WILL feel very disrespected, and it could also set a precedent for what is or isn't 'allowed' or acceptable for future family functions.