Step Mother Question

DebbeyD

My Step-daughter will becoming engaged soon. She lives with us. Her mother lives out of state. We are paying for her college and will be paying for the wedding. Her mother has very little to do with her. However, she will want to be front and center for the wedding. And to avoid conflict my step daughter will go along with this. Where does that leave me? I certainly don't want to be doing all the work and then get shoved into the back ground as happened at my step sons wedding.

japmater

My suggestion would be to talk to your stepdaughter and ask to be included. Talk through with her things like the processional, seating during the ceremony, receiving line, etc. You can and should have a place of honor in all these. It doesn't have to be 'instead of' her mother - it's 'in addition to'. You might even ask if you could make a toast at the rehearsal dinner or during the reception. They can't walk all over you unless you lie down!

em01092

Ditto Retread. Please remember this is your her wedding, and her mother is still her mother. It is up to her to define that relationship, not you. If she deems her mother worthy of a place of honor, then that is her decision. It is not based on who contributes or pays for what, although if you and your husband are paying for the wedding, you should get some say on venue, food, decor, etc. 

Are you close with your stepdaughter? If you are, then just have a heart to heart with her about the way you are feeling, but let her know you want her to be happy first and foremost. She may already have some ideas about how to keep you from feeling excluded. 

If you are not close, I would not say anything, because she may interpret your actions as controlling or trying to step on her mother's toes. Maybe have your husband speak with her about a few of your main concerns, if they are closer. I would not offer to do anything special if you are going to resent her for not honoring you enough for your contributions. Gifts and helping out should be done out of love, not out of hopes of recognition. 

nlindsay17

I understand how you feel and I'm sorry you were overlooked at your stepson's wedding. I'm sure it hurts when you guys are the ones doing all the work and someone just shows up and is treated better. I wish you all the best and I hope deep down they do appreciate all you do/

redheadtmk

I understand where you are coming from. My mother abandoned us for a short while when I was younger and we have been working on our relationship for the past few years. My dad tries to be very understanding but I know it hurts him that he was always there for us, and I now spend some holidays with my mother etc. It is a tricky, emotional thing. I do not think you are trying to control her or are looking for recognition per se.  Are your names going to be on the invites as the hosts? This is one of those situations where you kinda have to suck it up, let the mother have her moment, and stand back because you love your step daughter. Being the bigger person is hard and often sucks. Good luck

graysquirrel

I think that the best thing that you can to is to let her know you are excited for her wedding and would love to be involved or help with whatever she likes. There is no good way to force oneself into a position of honor, and the bride and groom can choose to honor whomever they wish, but if you are kindly involved it may give you more of a place in the event.

I agree with Retread about the money. Using financial support to wheedle in isn't very nice. Money given freely without strings is a wonderful gift.

DebbeyD

It's not about the money. It's more about being used. It is all the things that are done because it is family. I am the one who gets the phone calls and text messages when she is sick, stressed out or has problems she can't solve. I am the one she comes to when she needs something. The one who took he to campus for college and shopping for everything she needed there. I am the one who gets the call "Can I come home".  And it is not about trying to replace her mother. I have been trying for years to get her to accept her mother does the best she is able even though it is not perfect. I just don't want to be shoved into the background or seen simply as a guest, as ettiquette seems to dictate. Ie. sitting several rows behind my husband, not being in the photographs.
It's about not wanting a repeat of our son's wedding where I worked long hours and at last minute to make sure everything came off without a hitch without so much as a Thank You. My husband never got a Thank You either, by the way.

PhiSigFly

Well... If your son didn't thank your husband either, then maybe he is just not the most grateful person... It sounds like you and your daughter are close, and maybe you just need to give her more credit If you're the one getting the phone calls and the texts, she's going to want you there for her at the wedding.

Regarding etiquette... I think most of what etiquette says is ridiculous, lol. My step mother will be sitting in the front row at my wedding and is walking down the aisle. My mother and I are very close and my mom sometimes feels threatened of my stepmother, but I was not about to disrespect my stepmother or my father by having her look like a regular guest. She is getting the same coursage as my mother, she's signing our ketubah as my witness, and that's that. Trust your stepdaughter, give her more credit, I think girls tend to be more sensitive to these types of issues than boys, anyway