Make Bridesmaid Shopping Fun?

HappyMOH77

I need some quick answers here.  Any ideas about how to make bridesmaid dress shopping fun?  The bride is stressed for several reasons. 

First there are lots of body issues in the bridal party of 4. 

Second most of the members of the bridal party are stronger personalities than the bride and have no problem expressing themselves some out right other are more passive agressive. 

There has already been some tension in the bridal party and between two BM and the MOB becasue of the above mentioned strong personalities. 

Any ideas for taking the stress off and making it fun?  I was thinking of a scavanger hunt or something like the close pin game where we could all put clothes pins on our handbags with things like saying the brides name or first person to try on a navy colored dress that people could steal from eachother (on second thought things we  could steal from eachother might not be so good).  but something to help set a fun and lighthearted tone to the event, maybe even put some relationsips back on track.

Nothing has broken down to the point of conflict but there have been some hurt feelings and it seems like team bride and team groom are huddled on oppisite sides of the field licking their wounds. 

Has anyone done anything to make dress shopping more fun and try to set people at ease about body issues? 

vicki0508

I think the games would be lame.  They are adults, they don't need to be entertained or distracted.

The bride should check with each BM, privately, to see what their budgets are for dresses.

To ease "body issues" the BMs should be able to pick styles that flatter their own body type.  Finding one dress that universally flatters all body types might prove impossible.  As long as the dresses are the same color and length, they don't need to be matchy matchy.

The bride might also consider going shopping in multiple groups.  If there are girls that don't get along, or BMs who would be self conscious trying on clothes in front of a large group, perhaps making a few trips in smaller groups would prove more productive. 

HappyMOH77

Vicki thanks for your thougths unfortunatly that is not going to work out for this group the bride has already decide everyone will wear the same dress and the choices are already limited to a few and everyone will shop together.  So the goal is really just to help break the ice, keep the peice or keep people distracted so they don't have to socialize much or stare at eachother awkwardly.  Since behind the scenes there has been some break down and the bride is stressing about it anything we can do so it is super appearant when we are all together would be a great help.  I am not really looking for suggestions on dress options since that is not my choice.  I have just been asked to help keep the peace and try to make everyone have fun.  My girls at the time were all buddies and had an established pecking order in the group so it was easy and fun.  This group is all cheifs so if I can help the bride avoid being the indian that is trying to make everyone happy and tying herslf in knots that would be great. 

vicki0508

This still isn't something that needs to be a group activity.  The BMs can go individually, on their own free time, to try on the dresses and see which one they like.  This is not something that needs to be micromanaged by the bride.

If the bride insists on everybody going together and trying on dresses at the same time, then it's up to the BMs to grow up.  I don't think games will change their personalities.  Women are perfectly capable of making small talk amongst themselves.

Ice breakers, distractions, and entertainment are things to be used for children.  You aren't a babysitter, and the BMs aren't children.

Out of curiosity, when is the wedding?

vannymuse

Any sort of forced activity would probably not be much fun, and one shopping trip isn't go make all the problems go away (although that sure would be nice!). You mentioned there was some problems with some BMs and the MOB. Does the MOB have to come along? That might help ease some of the tension.

For the body issues , the bride should do her best to make sure that the dresses she picked out are flattering to the BMs different body types, and that the dress shop carries the appropriate sized sample dresses.

Summer2011Bride

They all just need to go by themselves if a group trip would bring that much drama. If the dress is decided on, wouldn't they just be going to get fitted? If it's not decided on, have the bride e-mail everyone a pic and see if there is any bad feelings or strong dislikes about the dress she chose. It sounds like with all the different body sizes/issues, it would be easiest to just give the girls a few choices and let them pick the one they are most comfortable with though. That would solve a lot of the issues, and as someone who's a size 10-12, not a size 2, I do truly understand that what works for one body doesn't always work/look good on ALL bodies. The bride should take that into consideration.

AutumnFair

I agree with others, if the Bride has already decided to choose one dress for all, I highly recommend to stop the big group and do it individually or in pairs. This prevents a lot of the "body" issues or insecurities for the many "chiefs" in the room. That way the if one BM says something to the Bride, she can easily deal with one person then trying to control a whole group. 

So if I were in your friend (the Bride)'s shoes I would take each person and try on the ones already limited down to and see what works best for each girl. 

But I would tell your friend that she better make sure she asked individually each girls budget so that way if a girl isn't too thrilled over the final pick at least she had input on how much she was willing to spend and there won't be a big a chance of drama.

SSaltzman87

I too agree that a forced activity/outing is never fun. That's just a recipe for disaster. I understand the bride wanting people to get along, but that's not the way to do it. They have to come to terms with their feelings on their own time and it's not required for them to be BFFs. It really doesn't have to be a group outing, most people have busy enough schedules to make it impossible anyway.

hboo2011

I chose a color and designer one day with my mom and MOH. Bridesmaids went on their own to pick their own style. I think that is what your friend needs to do. No need for everyone to go at the same time.

covejack

I hate trying on clothes, and shopping generally.  I'd want to stab myself if I had to play "bonding games" as well.  Sounds good in theory, but I think the game idea may fall flat.

HappyMOH77

Thanks for your time everyone unfortunatly all of the suggestions involve things that, as I said, are completly out of my control.  The bride is not a bridezilla but she has pretty clear ideas of what she wants and  it is really important to the bride we all be friends.  While this many not be realistic I feel like it is my duty to at least try my best. 

Since all but one (the brides college roomate) of the girls is a family member of the bride or groom I feel particularlly inclined to put myself out on a limb, even if that limb is silly or lame.  If they were just girlfriends I don't think anyone would be trying this hard to make everyone get along, but I also think some of the conflict is really just those family emotions that go along with parents feeling they are losing their little girl and established dynamics being interupted by newcomers. 

Someone had asked, the wedding isn't until Feb. so we have a long road ahead of us and there will be lots of events and togetherness between now and then from shower and bachelorette planning to shopping and helping the bride address invites etc.  and yes we will all be expected to play in those sandboxes together (and many more in the future from holidays to babies) so getting people on track and working together will advert a lot of heartache in the future. 

MairePoppy

You could promise everyone a Happy Meal on the way home, if they behave well during the shopping trip.

Seriously, the surest way to create conflict is to mess with someone else's family dynamic.

The bride should not expect her wedding party to help with the planning, errands and addressing invitations. If someone wants to volunteer to help out, that's very nice, but the keyword is 'volunteer.'

artbyallie

Honestly, it sounds like this bride is just asking for way too much. The wedding party does not have to become best friends, or help plan, or address invitiations, or any of that mess. They have to get the attire and show up in it.

vicki0508

If they are all mostly family, then I especially think you should butt out of their family dynamics.  If they can't get along now to pick out dresses and plan parties, then they have a long road ahead of them, and none of it has anything to do with you.

I think your heart is in the right place and you seem like a really nice person, but I just don't think there is anything you need to do, or really can do.  They aren't friends, they aren't going to be friends, and it's silly to expect them to be friends.

AutumnFair

Ditto to what vicki just said. Definitely don't insert yourself into this situation. It can only end badly for you. I know you are trying to be a good friend and help the Bride out in this situation but there is nothing you nor the Bride can really do to change the dynamics of this situation. People will forgive on their own accord, the Bride trying to end the fued hardly ever works and usually the Bride gets stuck also in the web of drama.

The Bride needs to simmer down with thinking her wedding is going to dissolve the WP mixed emotions for one another. Her trying to force "get togethers" is only going to cause more drama and probably give the Bride a headache/stress. If she wants to take the chance of their drama, and possibly herself getting in a strained relationship with some of them who don't want to be there that is her choice. But I have a lot of head strong women in my family too and you can never change their attitudes you just have to learn how to deal with them as best you can.

The only advice I can give you for dealing with the BMs for the parties is send them each an email (do not do group) and see if the BM like to be involve in planning and what she would like to do (ex. bring a dish, decor, just give money). That way people won't argue over party stuff.

You asked if there is anything you can do to make dress shopping more fun, well, in this case you really can't. The best thing I can think of is doing a lunch or ice cream trip before and during the process to ease any tension that might come about. Like my aunt said to me once, "You can't hear people fight when their mouth is full of good food".

HappyMOH77

Thanks for the time.  Unfortunaltly I feel a little like I have ask a small town lawyer  to solve the debit crisis.  The theory may be great with out the authority you can only get so far. 

While I don't disagree particularly the suggestions are outside my jurisdication.  I am simply doing as I was asked.  Also, since I am a family member not a girlfriend many of these indivduals are my family too, so being the peacemaker is not really butting in it has long been my family role since I am one of the more laid back in the group and now the Bride has asked me specifically to mitigate conflict and create fun and try to befriend her future in laws.  

While I thank you for your time and concern I consider the topic closed.  I think I have gotten as much assistance as is possible from this thread.   

Good luck to you all may your weddings be lovely and your kids cute!

nannewmur

Not everyone enjoys shopping.  You said there are body issues.  I suggest you have it narrowed down to no more than 3 dresses and have a decision made on colors and length BEFORE you set foot in shop.  Let the girls know of decision and where they can find these dresses.  You said there are body issues so they may feel more comfortable trying these on by themselves before doing it as a group.

Side story: My 22 yo DD was asked to be a MH for  her long term boyfriend's childhood friend.  She is 5'9 and wears a size 18.  Size 2 bride picked her and her two 15 y.o. size 2 cousins.  DD was told three dress options and went and tried them on before and found out it was going to cost $95 for dress and $180 in alterations .  Bridal shop salesperson looked at DD and said "Sweetie, you can't wear that" and while it may sound like an insult, we totally understood what she meant.  DD talked to bride and decided to not be in the wedding and notified bride eight months before wedding.  Your BMs, depending on what is chosen and their personalities, may take the same road.  Good luck with shopping!

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-shopping-fun?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:499f8356-0d3a-41a1-be26-e720f14a43a5Post:d59d3bea-9382-48c2-b0b5-56b533c8ce6a">Re: Make Bridesmaid Shopping Fun?</a>:
[QUOTE]Not everyone enjoys shopping.  You said there are body issues.  I suggest you have it narrowed down to no more than 3 dresses and have a decision made on colors and length BEFORE you set foot in shop.  Let the girls know of decision and where they can find these dresses.  You said there are body issues so they may feel more comfortable trying these on by themselves before doing it as a group. Side story: My 22 yo DD was asked to be a MH for  her long term boyfriend's childhood friend.  She is 5'9 and wears a size 18.  Size 2 bride picked her and her two 15 y.o. size 2 cousins.  DD was told three dress options and went and tried them on before and found out it was going to cost $95 for dress and $180 in alterations . <strong> Bridal shop salesperson looked at DD and said "Sweetie, you can't wear that" and while it may sound like an insult, we totally understood what she meant.  DD talked to bride and decided to not be in the wedding and notified bride eight months before wedding. </strong> Your BMs, depending on what is chosen and their personalities, may take the same road.  Good luck with shopping!
Posted by nannewmur[/QUOTE]

So the bride was willing to lose a good friend from her wedding party in order to have a certain dress? Ouch. Guess your daughter found out how important she was to the bride, huh?

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-shopping-fun?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:499f8356-0d3a-41a1-be26-e720f14a43a5Post:4dcbe23d-22b4-4e8f-8cd9-2fa4fe5f8565">Re: Make Bridesmaid Shopping Fun?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the time.  Unfortunaltly I feel a little like I have ask a small town lawyer  to solve the debit crisis.  The theory may be great with out the authority you can only get so far.  While I don't disagree particularly the suggestions are outside my jurisdication. <strong> I am simply doing as I was asked.</strong>  Also, since I am a family member not a girlfriend many of these indivduals are my family too, so being the peacemaker is not really butting in it has long been my family role since I am one of the more laid back in the group and now the Bride has asked me specifically to mitigate conflict and create fun and try to befriend her future in laws.   While I thank you for your time and concern I consider the topic closed.  I think I have gotten as much assistance as is possible from this thread.    Good luck to you all may your weddings be lovely and your kids cute!
Posted by HappyMOH77[/QUOTE]
I think the bride was out of line to ask you to try to make peace with everyone.  That shouldn't be your job and it was unfair for her to ask you to make all of these women magically become friends. 

Sometimes brides think having a wedding will solve family issues, change personalities, and make friendships stronger.  Unfortunately, the opposite usually happens.  Nobody changes, everybody stays mad, and friendships weaken.

nannewmur

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-shopping-fun?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:499f8356-0d3a-41a1-be26-e720f14a43a5Post:a8174e77-6340-4f0a-9630-17629c015b0c">Re: Make Bridesmaid Shopping Fun?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Make Bridesmaid Shopping Fun? . :<strong> So the bride was willing to lose a good friend from her wedding party in order to have a certain dress?</strong> OuchGuess your daughter found out how important she was to the bride, huh?
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

Bride was DD's long term BF's  childhood friend's fiancee.  DD had only known her for six months when asked, 18 months from date of wedding.  They live about two hours from eah other and it all worked out.  DD wore a fabulous dress to wedding that she picked out and looked great!!  And, her long term BF, has not heard from the groom since the wedding, other than a text thanking him for everything.  They are both in different places in their lives and it all worked out for DD and her BF!