Moms and Maids

MIL Trouble/Drama...I promise this is real and not a soap opera. (Long)

I have always known that my FMIL was difficult to put it nicely. Well things have gone from bad to worse. She literally creates drama.

This past December she started a fight with me claiming my mom and I dont include her in enough stuff and that I am constantly rude to everyone. She also told me that her Daughter-in-law was very offended at my e-party because she did not meet the bridal party. However, her daughter-in-law/future sister in law (FSIL) was 2 months pregnant and felt really sick at the e-party, enough that she had to go lie down. I figured with my FSIL being sick, the last thing she would want to do would be walk around a meet every one especially since the smell of the food and alcohol was getting to her. My FMIL was prompted to start this argument by the fact that my two aunts heard her bad mouthing the e- party my parents threw and asked I her why she would do that.

Flash Forward to last night, my FSIL asked me why I was so two faced and fake to her. I was completely off guard so I asked her what she meant. Apparently my FMIL told her son and DIL that I called their wedding white trash. I was raised never to say such things to anyone! I also did not even think that especially since she and her husband paid for everything. I then ask her about being offended from the bridesmaid snub. My FSIL claimed she never said that and in actuality my FMIL was the harping on it and saying terrible stuff about me. As a side note, at the e-party, all my FMIL did was sit on a couch the whole time and never spoke to any one besides her sister and mother. My FSIL also told me she said she was too sick to walk around and meet any one when my FMIL brought it up.

I talked to my FI about it and he felt like I was making a bigger deal than needed. He never backs me up when it comes to her. And she wont cut the umbilical cord. Yet, after his mom and I had it out in December, I was told by my FI that I was the one causing the problems and that I should respect her more than I do which ultimately made me feel so guilty.

Today, I've been thinking about what was said from his mom and it makes me furious. My mother and another BM told me just to smile and remember this and keep my guard up. But I so desperately want to discuss with my FMIL and why she wants to put her two DILs at odds with each other. She also makes stuff a competition; like for the e-party I was constantly told by my FMIL that very few of her friends will be there because they dont want to make the hour drive south and that my family's friends will over power hers.

So what do I do? Do I calmly discuss it with her or do I just grin and bare it???

Re: MIL Trouble/Drama...I promise this is real and not a soap opera. (Long)

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_true-story-not-from-a-soap-opera-i-promise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4ff237fa-983c-4275-a8e7-0591cbbe909ePost:f7548773-6c9a-4a64-a4d2-6e2bda0ac782">MIL Trouble/Drama...I promise this is real and not a soap opera. (Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have always known that my FMIL was difficult to put it nicely. Well things have gone from bad to worse. She literally creates drama. This past December she started a fight with me claiming my mom and I dont include her in enough stuff and that I am constantly rude to everyone. She also told me that her Daughter-in-law was very offended at my e-party because she did not meet the bridal party. However, her daughter-in-law/future sister in law (FSIL) was 2 months pregnant and felt really sick at the e-party, enough that she had to go lie down. I figured with my FSIL being sick, the last thing she would want to do would be walk around a meet every one especially since the smell of the food and alcohol was getting to her. My FMIL was prompted to start this argument by the fact that my two aunts heard her bad mouthing the e- party my parents threw and asked I her why she would do that. Flash Forward to last night, my FSIL asked me why I was so two faced and fake to her. I was completely off guard so I asked her what she meant. Apparently my FMIL told her son and DIL that I called their wedding white trash. I was raised never to say such things to anyone! I also did not even think that especially since she and her husband paid for everything. I then ask her about being offended from the bridesmaid snub. My FSIL claimed she never said that and in actuality my FMIL was the harping on it and saying terrible stuff about me. As a side note, at the e-party, all my FMIL did was sit on a couch the whole time and never spoke to any one besides her sister and mother. My FSIL also told me she said she was too sick to walk around and meet any one when my FMIL brought it up.<strong>I talked to my FI about it and he felt like I was making a bigger deal than needed. He never backs me up when it comes to her. And she wont cut the umbilical cord. Yet, after his mom and I had it out in December, I was told by my FI that I was the one causing the problems and that I should respect her more than I do which ultimately made me feel so guilty. </strong>Today, I've been thinking about what was said from his mom and it makes me furious. My mother and another BM told me just to smile and remember this and keep my guard up. But I so desperately want to discuss with my FMIL and why she wants to put her two DILs at odds with each other. She also makes stuff a competition; like for the e-party I was constantly told by my FMIL that very few of her friends will be there because they dont want to make the hour drive south and that my family's friends will over power hers. So what do I do? Do I calmly discuss it with her or do I just grin and bare it???
    Posted by futurememoli[/QUOTE]

    Your FI needs to grow some and stand up to his mother.  He is allowing and enabling her behavior by not stopping it now, before you get married.  Once you are wed, there is a possibility that it will only get worse. 

    You need to have a long talk with FI and get some things straight on that end before you worry about the FMIL drama.  If your FI doesn't have your back now, he never will and that's what part of marriage is about.  My H would defend me to the ends of the Earth against anyone and anything that would bring hurt or harm to me.  Your FI needs to get with the program.

    YOU do not discuss anything with her.  It is FI's mother and HE needs to deal with her negative attitude and now....before things get really bad.

    I really hope this works out for you.

     

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited March 2012
    ditto OBX. Tell your Fi to put on his big boy pants and deal with his mom. Premarital counseling will help him set up some boundaries for his mom. If he can't do that, don't marry him.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_true-story-not-from-a-soap-opera-i-promise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4ff237fa-983c-4275-a8e7-0591cbbe909ePost:e554b5bd-ddcb-49ab-8e67-080e9c791afb">Re: MIL Trouble/Drama...I promise this is real and not a soap opera. (Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]ditto OBX. Tell your Fi to put on his big boy pants and deal with his mom. <strong>Premarital counseling</strong> will help him set up some boundaries for his mom. If he can't do that, don't marry him.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    Great advice!

     

  • Your FMIL isn't the one who needs to cut the umbilical cord, pumpkin.
  • I wouldn't hold my breath on your FMIL's behavior ever really changing, but I agree with everyone else about you fiance's behavior needing to be addressed. Get premarital counseling, get your fiance and you on the same page about how to deal with his mom, or realize that this behavior will definitely continue into your married life. Is that really how you want to spend the rest of your married life? What if you have kids and he still sides with what his mom says he should do?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_true-story-not-from-a-soap-opera-i-promise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4ff237fa-983c-4275-a8e7-0591cbbe909ePost:c14e0a6c-ca30-495f-a561-303b0762a95c">Re: MIL Trouble/Drama...I promise this is real and not a soap opera. (Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your FMIL isn't the one who needs to cut the umbilical cord, pumpkin.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]


    This.  Your whole sitation says more about your FI than it does about your FMIL.  You need premarital counseling, immediately.
    Anniversary
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    PP offered great advice in terms of dealing with your FI and FMIL.  Premarital counseling is a great way to start discussing this problem, if FI won't discuss it with you at home.  This is the bigger issue than FMIL.

    As for your FSIL, you and her both now see that FMIL was putting you at odds with each other, for whatever reason.  Talk to her about being open and honest with each other.  And if you hear FMIL talk about something the other may have said, agree that you two will call each other about it.  At this point I would not believe a word FMIL says about FSIL. 

  • I 100% agree that your relationship with your FI is the issue here. Sure, FMIL sure sounds like a holy terror, but your FI should be the one to keep her in check, and he's not doing that. If anything he is only fanning her flame. Counselling is a must in this case, because this will never go away... if anything, it will just get worse.

    My FMIL likes to start crap too but my FI usually is way more harsh on her than I am. I can just smile and nod and she will go away, or if the issue is greater, FI will stick up for me. As PPs said, thats how a marriage works. It's you two, together, as a team.
  • Your FMIL may be a big problem but she's not going to change.

    If your FI doesn't see the problem, what makes you think he's going to when you're married?

    My advice: get counseling.

    If he doesn't agree to counseling then call off the wedding.  There's no way I'd marry someone who thinks that every time his mom is upset that it's my fault.
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