Moms and Maids

MoG not happy--sorry, but this is long

I'm new here but have been lurking for months getting to know the right things to do as a MoB. But now I need some advice, but the background info is rather long.

My daughter asked me to sew the bridesmaid dress, the table overlays and the favours which are also a sewing project.  I have a new sewing machine and serger which can do the appropriate finishes, embroideries and I am set up to handle and cut large quantities of fabric.

I was thrilled and honoured to do this for my daughter and have spent months on researching and practicing coutour sewing technques and am just going to start the first of the dresses this week.  My daughter picked out the fabric and patterns and I paid for it.

Same deal with the organza overlays.  I reserached and found the colours, showed the colour swatches and then ordered and paid for the  organza fabric.

The favour project fabric has yet to be odered, but it is also a project that requires machine embroidery and special hemming techniques as on the overlays.

Starting this past June, the MoG began asking my daughter and her fiancee to do some of the sewing even though I had already been asked and agreed to do it.  I told my daughter that if the MoG wanted to do the overlays and it was agreeable to her then to tell me and that would be fine.  My DD said she wanted me to do it.

Well apparently MoG has not let this go and continually asks her son and my daughter about it.  It was mentioned to me again today and my daughter and I ended up in a disagreement.  We've patched things up, but it has left me feeling guilty and angry.  Guilty because MoG hasn't got a "special project" to do for the wedding and I do, and angry, because I feel she is causing trouble.  Also she is putting a damper on what so far has been a very nice mother-daughter time.

MoG feels she has no input in the wedding planning, but neither do my husband and I.  We have contributed financially, but neither she, nor FoG have, but we don't feel it's necessary to tag along with the bride and groom to their vendors' meetings, pick out their colours, decide on the flowers etc. 

What are your opinions?  Help will be needed to prepare invitations for mailing, so my DD is going to ask for her help there. But MoG hasn't offered to help with wedding jobs, she wants to do one or more of the sewing projects.

I'm upset for my DD because she doesn't need this pettiness.  Or does the MoG have a valid point?

She hasn't sewed in years and her level of sewing expertise is limited, plus she doesn't have the sewing machine and serger which can do a professional job and the embroidery. She also works full time and I am retired.  My daughter feels under pressure from her fiancee and his mom.



 


Re: MoG not happy--sorry, but this is long

  • edited December 2011
    Sounds like your daughter needs to give the MOG something to do to keep her out of your hair. Maybe put her on finding flower prices. In my opinion, If she isn't helping financially she doesn't have a say in wedding planning but It would be a friendly gesture to include her. If your daughter only wants you to do the sewing then that's how it should be. She is the bride and this is her wedding. Maybe your future SIL should have a talk with his mom.
  • mob2006mob2006 member
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This really needs to be your daughter's issue to solve.  I know you feel badly for her but she and her FI need to learn how to handle his mother or their marriage will suffer.  You should let them do this.

    I don't understand why you and your daughter "ended up in a disagreement" and why "it has left me feeling guilty and angry".  Your daughter's FMIL will only put a damper on your relationship with your daughter if you let her.  It makes me wonder if you didn't share too many of your opinions with your daughter or if you tried to direct her to do things she didn't want to do.  You really need to stay out of it and let her and her FI decide how best to handle his mother.

    Hope this helps and good luck with all that sewing!
  • edited December 2011
    How about your FSIL figuring out how to say to his Mom, "It means a lot to us that you want to be a part of the planning of our wedding.  These three projects are already in process, but we REALLY need help with....whatever it is." 
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011

    This is exactly what they are going to do, but it was coming up with a project that didn't seem like a keep busy kind of task. 

    I had started a memory scrapbook for the couple which included photos of them from birth up to their engagement.  The idea was to include pics of the wedding events and highlights of their life up to and including the wedding and at each event would be on display and then finally at the wedding after which it would be given to my daughter and FSIL.  It was something the MOH wanted to do, but found she didn't have the time so she passed it on to me.  With all the sewing I'm doing I was worried about how much time I would have to devote to it.  So I suggested to my daughter that maybe her FMIL would like to have that to take over as her project as she is a scrapbooker also.  My daughter thought it was a wonderful idea and is sure FMIL would love to do that, so I'm sending the book and paper etc to her.

    There is also an item for the decoration that DD is going to ask her FMIL to track down.  Hopefully with those two things, MoG will feel included. 

    Thankyou for all of your insights and tips. 

  • edited December 2011
    You are right in saying that it is something my DD and my FSIL need to handle with his mom.

    I guess my wording of "disagreement" was incorrect and should have been worded more as mutual frustration as I wasn't sure what my daughter wanted me to do and she didn't know what to do to keep her FMIL happy because she wasn't letting go of wanting to help with the sewing. Logisticly it would have been a nightmare as MoG and I live a six hour drive away.

    My DD and her fiancee have been very organized in their wedding planning so far  and she couldn't think of anything for MoG to do.  They have been very good at keeping all the parents up to speed about what is going on. 

    However in a sincere effort to try and make things harmonious both my DD and myself each came up with something that we are hoping MoG will be happy doing. 

    In answer to your question, no I haven't been making comments or given directions to my DD in having her doing things she doesn't want to do.  I am very much going with the flow regarding the decisions made by the bride and groom. 

    From the outset we all wanted to make the process as stress free as possible, but I guess hitting a couple of bumps in the road is unavoidable.
  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    The scrapbooking was a good idea as well  as asking her to hunt down something  you need.

    I'm  not really sure what the MOG expects from you or from your daughter but then M's MIL was pretty easy.  She has two daughters and only the one son.  "I'm just going to sit back and take notes for my time.  btw, of course we will to the RD, I'll let you know where and when"

    I think that her attitude was because she is very close to both of her daughters as I am very close to mine.

    She has also turned out to be a fantastic MIL and grandmother and my daughter knows how very lucky she is!
  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    btw, when you're done with the wedding, would you like to come to NYC and teach me how to sew?

    :)
  • edited December 2011
    That is so nice that your DD's MIL is so easy to get along with.  She is very lucky, indeed.

    My daughter and her FMIL get along well which I am very happy about.  Her FMIL has a good relationship with her son and married DD, but due to some circumstances (not wedding related) her relationship with them has been a little rocky lately. But this will no doubt be resolved happily given a bit of time.!

    You live in NYC?  Wow, that is such an exciting city to live in.  I live in small town Ontario, Canada. I'm always willing to pass on any sewing knowledge. LOL.  If you really want to learn to sew start with a simple project such as a pair of pj pants, pillow case or a tote bag.  Simplcity even has "patterns for dummies".  LOL and no insult intended.
  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Okay, want to start with maternity clothes?

    Grandma gave me her sewing machine years back  When I was pregnant, I bought three patterns and three pieces of material to make materneity dresses.   I did get the jumper finished   ootdaughter was  born at 27 weeks and I still have the other two, cut out and waiting in some back closet her

    again,I envy your talent!!

     I am a bit laid up right now but when I am working, I do business in Toronto, Montreal, Ottowa, Vancouver and the UK.

    Perhaps we can catch up one day?  I adore Canada
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-not-happy-sorry-but-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:616897f1-2fe2-4558-b32e-e80c6119041aPost:b939c807-79c2-4ab5-98c5-70aee5ee01ee">Re: MoG not happy--sorry, but this is long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds like your daughter needs to give the MOG something to do to keep her out of your hair. Maybe put her on finding flower prices. In my opinion, If she isn't helping financially she doesn't have a say in wedding planning but It would be a friendly gesture to include her. If your daughter only wants you to do the sewing then that's how it should be. She is the bride and this is her wedding. Maybe your future SIL should have a talk with his mom.
    Posted by kdincorporated[/QUOTE]

    She is the bride and it's her wedding.....is she going to marry herself,   It is the grooms wedding also.  

    MOB iswrong, why should she have all the joy in helping with the wedding and the MOG have none.  Bride and her mother are selfish.    
    BtW it's not the MOG putting stress on your daughter, it's you by being selfish.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-not-happy-sorry-but-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:616897f1-2fe2-4558-b32e-e80c6119041aPost:7b401d53-7af9-40df-bdaa-cabc517a3081">Re: MoG not happy--sorry, but this is long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, want to start with maternity clothes? Grandma gave me her sewing machine years back  When I was pregnant, I bought three patterns and three pieces of material to make materneity dresses.   I did get the jumper finished   ootdaughter was  born at 27 weeks and I still have the other two, cut out and waiting in some back closet her again,I envy your talent!!  I am a bit laid up right now but when I am working, I do business in Toronto, Montreal, Ottowa, Vancouver and the UK. Perhaps we can catch up one day?  I adore Canada
    Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

    That would be terrific. I'm fairly close to Ottawa. 

    I have a few unfinished projects which I hope to get back to after the dresses and two other wedding projects are finished.

    I would say though that it was great that you got one maternity outfit made seeing that you delivered at 27 weeks!  I was almost finished a coming home with baby from the hospital dress, but I went into labour. LOL.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-not-happy-sorry-but-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:616897f1-2fe2-4558-b32e-e80c6119041aPost:48ce1069-5f54-49da-b509-8acbff2c8cfd">Re: MoG not happy--sorry, but this is long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoG not happy--sorry, but this is long : She is the bride and it's her wedding.....is she going to marry herself,   It is the grooms wedding also.   MOB iswrong, why should she have all the joy in helping with the wedding and the MOG have none.  Bride and her mother are selfish.     BtW it's not the MOG putting stress on your daughter, it's you by being selfish.
    Posted by RiRi157[/QUOTE]


    "I disapprove of what you say; but I defend to the death, your right to say it."
    -Voltaire


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  • mob2006mob2006 member
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-not-happy-sorry-but-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:616897f1-2fe2-4558-b32e-e80c6119041aPost:5c505990-c239-4cba-af02-8d617ed4c3e7">Re: MoG not happy--sorry, but this is long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoG not happy--sorry, but this is long : "I disapprove of what you say; but I defend to the death, your right to say it." -Voltaire
    Posted by 7298607477829237[/QUOTE]

    Well said 72986...!
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    When MOG makes a comment to the groom, the GROOM needs to handle it.
    Period.

    The groom should not be telling the bride all about this, and the bride should certainly NOT take it to her mother and upset her - esp since the MOB is already doing projects.

    Sounds like the people involved in this wedding need to take care of their own business and stop fretting about other people.
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