Moms and Maids

Obsessive Friend, HELP

After telling everyone the happy news of our engagement this past August, I recieved a call from an old childhood friend.  Having not heard from her since our junior year in highschool I chit-chatted with her for a while and agreed to meet her from lunch since she has recently moved back into the area.  After crying and telling me she is so lonely and has no friends anymore she then puts me on the spot and asks me if she can be my maid of honor-- or at least a bridesmaid!  I felt like I was put in such a terrible position I could only nervously blurt out , "well i don't know, we will have to see." .  Now its almost February.... we are getting married in July, and I just caught news that she is telling everyone that she is in my wedding.  To make things worse, she wont quit calling non stop offering to "design" my wedding partys jewelry (that looks like a five year old assembled)... telling me that my best friend and maid of honor isn't the right choice and that she should be my maid of honor instead... ontop of telling me we can't go shopping for bridesmaid dresses until she drops weight, and that certain dresses wont be allowed because they wont look right on her and "everyone will be looking at her so she has to look good".  I feel terrrible for letting it go on this long, but I guess I just feel awful that I have to tell her I can't have her in the wedding.  I barely know her anymore and she is just entirely too overbearing.  I am sure people think I am awful, but I have just been put in a bad position.  So its either, I settle and let her in the wedding and sacrifice my day for her happiness or I be selfish and tell her she can't be in the wedding.  I really need advice.

Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP

  • edited December 2011
    It's ok to tell her she is not in the wedding. Stop talking to her about anything wedding related. Do not include her. Do not post anything on Facebook about your wedding. If you do plan on inviting her to the wedding, tell her how you look forward to her being there, sharing the day with her, and dancing with her.
  • immaeetuimmaeetu member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_obsessive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:672ba689-6db7-4eae-bac2-2f740661181aPost:04a555f6-1cc5-407f-8035-1df43a361914">Obsessive Friend, HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]After telling everyone the happy news of our engagement this past August, I recieved a call from an old childhood friend.  Having not heard from her since our junior year in highschool I chit-chatted with her for a while and agreed to meet her from lunch since she has recently moved back into the area.  After crying and telling me she is so lonely and has no friends anymore she then puts me on the spot and asks me if she can be my maid of honor-- or at least a bridesmaid!  I felt like I was put in such a terrible position I could only nervously blurt out , "well i don't know, we will have to see." .  Now its almost February.... we are getting married in July, and I just caught news that she is telling everyone that she is in my wedding.  To make things worse, she wont quit calling non stop offering to "design" my wedding partys jewelry (that looks like a five year old assembled)... telling me that my best friend and maid of honor isn't the right choice and that she should be my maid of honor instead... ontop of telling me we can't go shopping for bridesmaid dresses until she drops weight, and that certain dresses wont be allowed because they wont look right on her and "everyone will be looking at her so she has to look good".  I feel terrrible for letting it go on this long, but I guess I just feel awful that I have to tell her I can't have her in the wedding.  I barely know her anymore and she is just entirely too overbearing.  I am sure people think I am awful, but I have just been put in a bad position.  So its either, I settle and let her in the wedding and sacrifice my day for her happiness or I be selfish and tell her she can't be in the wedding.  I really need advice.
    Posted by barnettvrobel[/QUOTE]
    The next time she says something say "I'm really sorry for the misunderstanding, but you're not a part of the wedding party."

    Yeah, your "friend" is behaving like a douche, but this is your fault for letting this go on so long.  I can understand that you were caught off your guard the first time she asked, but it's been months now, that excuse is long since expired.  Grow a backbone and let her know that she's not a BM.

    And it's probably time to decide whether you still even want to be friends with this chick.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    She was rude to ask to be in your wedding party. But this is not entirely her fault. You have allowed her to think she is a bm for 5 months, now. If she has discussed the bm dresses, jewelry and various wedding topics and you have not corrected her misconception in 5 months, then you have a bm, by default. So if you tell her, now, that she is not in your wedding party, you are essentially firing a bm. Now, that is rude.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    Normally I advise people to not have the "Why you are not in the WP" talk, and while this is still true, I really think a "I have chosen my WP and its S, Z and Q. Sorry for the confusion" talk.

    I would avoid wedding talk at all with her, and again if she asks why just change the subject but I think you need to clear the air with her. 
    If you don't want her in your WP you don't have to have her, but I think you need to make sure she knows what is really going on. 
  • edited December 2011

    that's the thing. i haven't talked to her since the first lunch date.  she sends texts and voice messages and e-mails... none of which i respond to.  She has even took pictures of the outside of my house and posted them on her facebook.  I told her who was in my wedding party and she acted as if she were joking about being in the party.  The problem is that she has been telling family members when she sees them in passing that she is involved in the wedding.  The offers to be a brides maid or maid of honor...and to design my jewlrey were all (as i thought) kind gestures.... in which I had declined.  I have just found out through a friend who happens to be one of her co-workers that she really thinks she is involved.  So the fact of the matter isn't that I lack a back bone..... its just that now that i know- I don't know how to go about it.  But I do appreciate the advice.  I just had a baby in December so my time and my mind has been on bigger things.  Thank you for the advice.

  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_obsessive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:672ba689-6db7-4eae-bac2-2f740661181aPost:3a825ba1-9226-41c9-8060-f702df812daa">Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]She was rude to ask to be in your wedding party. But this is not entirely her fault. You have allowed her to think she is a bm for 5 months, now. If she has discussed the bm dresses, jewelry and various wedding topics and you have not corrected her misconception in 5 months, then you have a bm, by default. So if you tell her, now, that she is not in your wedding party, you are essentially firing a bm. Now, that is rude.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    I tend to agree with this.  You had all the times she talked to you about dress shopping to tell her she wasn't a maid.  There's an old saying I always remember , "if it doesn't make sense, then it isn't true."  Your response followed by her behavior doesn't make sense, so are you sure you told her we'll see?  or did you tell her okay?  You're not a weak person if you told her okay.  Most people cave when put on the spot like that because most people can't handle the awkwardness of saying no; which is why it's considered so rude to ask to be in someone's BP.  Your friend sounds like a piece of work, but if you've let her believe she's in your BP for this long, you are essentially firing a BM.
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  • Enchanted616Enchanted616 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_obsessive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:672ba689-6db7-4eae-bac2-2f740661181aPost:50828dee-de7a-4e6f-b0a4-226d82b72c13">Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]that's the thing. i haven't talked to her since the first lunch date.  she sends texts and voice messages and e-mails... none of which i respond to. <strong> She has even took pictures of the outside of my house and posted them on her facebook.</strong>  I told her who was in my wedding party and she acted as if she were joking about being in the party.  The problem is that she has been telling family members when she sees them in passing that she is involved in the wedding.  The offers to be a brides maid or maid of honor...and to design my jewlrey were all (as i thought) kind gestures.... in which I had declined.  I have just found out through a friend who happens to be one of her co-workers that she really thinks she is involved.  So the fact of the matter isn't that I lack a back bone..... its just that now that i know- I don't know how to go about it.  But I do appreciate the advice.  I just had a baby in December so my time and my mind has been on bigger things.  Thank you for the advice.
    Posted by barnettvrobel[/QUOTE]

    What?  She sounds kinda crazy,

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  • edited December 2011

    i clearly told her "I will have to see".  Then, after ignoring odd voice mails about dress shopping, and jewlry designing she kind of went away. I haven't talked to her since the day she asked to be in the wedding.  I figured not ever responding to her was the best way... ontop of that I figured after talking to her co-worker (who happens to be a BM) that she would understand that my WP was already chose.  But I truely feel I am dealing with a different breed.  I have never discussed theme, dresses, our venue, or even colors with her.   She has simply just left voicemails saying " if you decided to go dress shopping remember I don't look good in a sweetheart cut dress"....or "i make jewlrey, i can make the wedding partys for you"...or "what date are you getting married?"oh and my favorite voice mail of "you can't have your rehersal the day before the wedding because i can't take two days off in a row".-- that one i just recieved, thus bringing this all to my attention that she is actually serious- and i never responded. the only thing she was informed of is at the only lunch we had together, I told her my bestfriend was flying in to be my MOH.  I never once said, sure be in my wedding.  I haven't talked to her in years... and with one phone conversation and one lunch she has created this idea that she is involved. This has just all been brought to my attention....so if I had knew 5 months ago-- I would have made it more clear.  But now that I know she has been thinking this for that long without my knowing.... I haven't the slightest clue as to how to tell her.  I will though, i'm not a monster.

  • edited December 2011
    thank you for being kind and not telling me i lack a backbone.  this was just all brought to my attention.  I have literally spoke to her twice in 10 months, I have been totally unaware of this-- i just moved, bought a house in a different state and just had a baby..... so now that things are calming down, this comes out of the woodwork.  I will surely follow your advice.
  • edited December 2011
    All I can say is that she sounds crazy and I'm sorry you have to deal with this! 

    (maybe make sure to tell her in a public place, if you do it in person)
  • edited December 2011
    if you have not spoken to her and she is just calling and calling, I'd send an email... I know that's a little wimpy, but I'd rather have it in black and white and not feel pressured or bad when she starts to cry, etc.
  • mgietler76mgietler76 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    File a restraining order.........seriously
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_obsessive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:672ba689-6db7-4eae-bac2-2f740661181aPost:50828dee-de7a-4e6f-b0a4-226d82b72c13">Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]that's the thing. i haven't talked to her since the first lunch date.  <span style="font-weight:bold;">she sends texts and voice messages and e-mails... none of which i respond to.</span>  She has even took pictures of the outside of my house and posted them on her facebook.  I told her who was in my wedding party and she acted as if she were joking about being in the party.  The problem is that<span style="font-weight:bold;"> she has been telling family members when she sees them in passing that she is involved in the wedding. </span> <span style="font-weight:bold;">The offers to be a brides maid or maid of honor</span>...and to design my jewlrey were all (as i thought) kind gestures.... in which I had declined. <span style="font-weight:bold;"> I have just found out through a friend who happens to be one of her co-workers that she really thinks she is involved.</span>  So the fact of the matter isn't that I lack a back bone..... its just that now that i know- I don't know how to go about it.  But I do appreciate the advice.  I just had a baby in December so my time and my mind has been on bigger things.  Thank you for the advice.
    Posted by barnettvrobel[/QUOTE]

    I really do feel sorry for you.You were probably trying not to hurt feelings and that's why you didn't respond to those e-mails. But you should have set her straight each time she sent those messages.

    I really don't know what to tell you because I think your friend sounds a little crazy and isn't going to deal well with the rejection notice. Does she have a history of this type of behaviour? Why did she post pictures of your house on face book?
                       
  • edited December 2011
    It sounds like you weren't in touch with her for a while, before your wedding. I would block her on facebook, and completely cut her off. If she psycho calls you, I would tell her that the speed and intensity of the relationship made you feel uncomfortable. Sort of like a breakup.
  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_obsessive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:672ba689-6db7-4eae-bac2-2f740661181aPost:f2636229-3119-44af-8df3-693e6f9df74b">Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like you weren't in touch with her for a while, before your wedding. I would block her on facebook, and completely cut her off. If she psycho calls you, I would tell her that the speed and intensity of the relationship made you feel uncomfortable. Sort of like a breakup.
    Posted by sb9411[/QUOTE]

    you've come on too strong, i need some space
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_obsessive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:672ba689-6db7-4eae-bac2-2f740661181aPost:11931822-a1b3-4259-abc1-d0adb76999dd">Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]File a restraining order.........seriously
    Posted by mgietler76[/QUOTE]

    <div>No doubt, this girl sounds like she needs some serious counseling. </div>
  • edited December 2011
    I think this might be the one time I suggest making a person a guest book attendant.  Dear mother of god, she sounds like a nutter.
  • lauraf1202lauraf1202 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Save your voicemails, texts, fb messages and emails from her (if you still have them) and start keeping a diary of any and all communications from her.  I know that I sound paranoid, but its better to have all this info if you end up needing it for a restraining/protection order.   I honestly hope that you won't need one, though!    I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. 
     
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  • immaeetuimmaeetu member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_obsessive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:672ba689-6db7-4eae-bac2-2f740661181aPost:6701bb21-ab91-4bcb-84e2-e3a40abf06ac">Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think this might be the one time I suggest making a person a guest book attendant.  Dear mother of god, she sounds like a nutter.
    Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]
    Are you kidding?  I wouldn't even want to invite this psycho chick to the wedding.  She's posted pictures of your house on FB????  That's CREEPY.  She sounds like a stalker.  I think you need to "break up" with her.
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  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I feel sorry for you having to deal with crazy lady, but at the same time I do think something could've been done sooner. With all the text messages/voicemails she's been leaving you, you didn't get the hint that your policy of non-responsiveness wasn't working? Good for you for telling her who your MOH and BMs are, but the very next message you got from her indicating that she still thinks she was in your bridal party should've gotten the response of, "I'm sorry for the confusion, but you're not in my bridal party."  At this point, it sounds like it's gotten out of hand and PPs have given you some good advice for dealing with her stalker like behavior; the next time she messages you, you need to message her back with something along the lines of, "I"m sorry for the confusion, but you're not in my bridal party. Please stop contacting me about this." And make sure you log in the date/time you asked her to stop.  (I had a friend who had to get a protective order before.). It's better to email her or (if you can "lock" your text messages) text it to her, so that there's dated evidence that you asked her to stop.
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  • edited December 2011
    This girl sounds absolutely nuts. I would send her the email dropping the bombshell...in general, I'd suggest avoiding her at all costs, and as suggested, perhaps file a restraining order. The fact that she's taking photos of your house and posting them on facebook when you haven't even seen her is really creepy. I'm not sure it would even be safe for you to have her at your wedding...she might really cause a ruckus. You might need to hire security...I know some brides do that when they're concerned about certain unwanted guests :/
  • squeakyducksqueakyduck member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_obsessive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:672ba689-6db7-4eae-bac2-2f740661181aPost:22e8c18c-0f74-46cc-ad76-e255b6f8527f">Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP : you've come on too strong, i need some space
    Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]

    <div>It's not me, it's you. </div>
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  • HeatherBobHeatherBob member
    Seventh Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It's like ripping a band-aid off... just tell her how you feel & that you do not want her to be apart of the wedding. She can certainly attend (if you'd like her too). You just have to tell her how you feel!
  • edited December 2011

    I'd never advise firing someone who is a bridesmaid - or at least thinks they are a bridesmaid - but this woman sounds completely and utterly unstable. First things first, as PP mentioned, make sure to collect any evidence of her harrassing communication w/ you together, just in case you need a restraining order.

    Secondly, you need to call her up or email her and explain this VERY CLEARLY. Normally I'd say meet for coffee and try to be nice with a face-to-face meet, but this person does sound crazy, taking pictures of your house when she's barely seen you. Tell you that you've told her before who your bridesmaids are, she is not part of the wedding party, and frankly I would tell her that her behavior is scaring me. Tell her to please not contact you any more. Leave it at that. Call your WP and parents and WARN THEM. Tell them if she approachs them about any wedding related info, that they are not to give her ANY info AT ALL. You don't want this girl running out and buying the same dress as the rest of your BMs and showing up. I would let your WP and family know exactly the kind of crazy things shes been doing so that they aren't tempted to be nice to her; as you were when you politely tried to deflect the BM question originally. If you have a wedding planner/event manager, get a picture of this girl to them so that she can be escorted out if she shows up. Block her on facebook and lock up your profile as friends only & unsearchable so that she can't just join another network under an alias and see your profile. Being polite has it's limits - one of them being when your friend goes all Single White Female on you, you can put pleasantries to the side.

    Good luck!

  • FaburawFaburaw member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would get in touch with her family. She needs help. Not to be in your wedding. Don't humor her. Get her help.
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  • edited December 2011
    i agree with pp that you are definetly at risk of having this girl show up at your wedding uninvited if you do not speak to her soon. obviously she is not getting the hint even though you have not responded to anything she sends you. it sounds like she has created a fantasy relationship in her head, which is how stalking starts. keeping track of her communications with you is important, especially the times and dates, so you have that information available if you need to contact the police. send an email explaining how uncomfortable she is making you feel and how she needs to respect your choices regaurding your own wedding and leave you be. this woman is not in a right state of mind
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