Family Drama

celticbeauty

I am mainly venting, but feel free to offer thoughts/advice.

My family has been difficult for the last few years. As I have become a full fledged adult and started to assert my independence, I have had some huge arguments with both my brothers and especially my father. In July, we went on a large family vacation for my Gma's 80th bday. My immediate family and cousin's family went (17 total). There was a huge episode that happened at the end of the trip over car issues and people being really indifferent to other people's needs. After that incident, my father and I didn't really talk for about 6 months (his choice--we spoke once or twice on the phone when I called for my mom, but it was mainly trivial stuff).

I started counseling after July and have continued to talk with my mother and other family members. I have done dinner with my brothers, sister-in-law, and niece as they live relatively close. I have tried to continue to reach out and see people, but at the same time, I don't see them all the time. I want to continue relationships with the women in my family especially my niece, but I am struggling to feel good about the men in my family.

When my FI and I got engaged (Thanksgiving), I spoke to both my parents and they said they  were happy for us. During Xmas, my father and I finally spoke one on one about our relationship. I don't know if it's possible to have one (he thinks I need to change in order to have a relationship), but I recognize that we both want one.  

My brother has just informed me that he is declining our invitation to participate in the wedding as an usher. I don't know if this means that he will not be attending the wedding, but that is really up to him. My other brother accepted our invitation and will participate. My sister in law (wife of participating bro) has been great and is also participating.

My mother of course wants to participate, but sometimes my parents struggle with the boundaries that my FI and I are setting. (The guest list is twice as many as we have room for, but they believe that most of the those people "won't come." It's been a bit stressful to try to assert boundaries in a polite, but FIRM way.) My mom wants everything to "be ok" and the family to continue on as it was (most of them do I believe.) I don't see that as possible at this time as I don't feel accepted or respected in my family by most members. They are struggling with my independence and see my actions as a threat to the family (usually I am called selfish). Any discussion with them usually results in them saying I'm "wrong" or "selfish" or "stubborn" and the underlying message is usually that I need to change to have relationships with any of them.

I am very frustrated because I don't feel safe around them any more. I always have to watch what I say so it's not misunderstood or creating false expectations. I feel disrespected and walked on. I don't feel listened to at all and hate feeling like I'm "the bitch" when I stand up for myself. Any discussions with them are a trial and I feel horrible afterwards (if we end up talking about us and not trivial things anyway)--I usually end up crying and I'm not a big cryer.

I am scared that they are going to make my wedding time stressful (they already have been the last few weeks) because of these issues. Besides a larger guest list and some of those things, the actual wedding planning isn't bad. It's just all these other things and lack of relationships that make things tense and difficult. I feel like I have to tiptoe around conversations about wedding stuff because we need to be CLEAR about what my FI and I want or it will create even more challenges when we rein them in. I don't want to cause more drama and I especially don't want THEM to cause more drama (although they will blame that on me as well). I want to enjoy my wedding planning and wedding day. I don't want them to rob me of my joy in all of this as I plan to do it once. I know to expect some stress and my FI and I have tried to help decrease it by choosing a more inclusive venue. The relationships are so damaged that I am terrified that they will ruin this special time.

I know this is long, but I needed to get this out. Thanks.

renegade gaucho

Who is paying for the wedding?  Can you give some examples of the conflicts that you've had with your family?

lenergyrlah

I understand.  My family is the same way.  My parents are going to through a HUGE bitch fit when they find out I'm not inviting my brother.  But honestly, it's FI and my wedding, not theirs, and if they don't want to come they don't have to come.  Yeah I'll be upset but sometimes you just can't deal with family

RaptorSLH

You do the best you can with the people willing to work with you, but sometimes you have to accept that some people are toxic in your life, and you are better off without them.  

You are not selfish.  You are not oversensitive.  You are not a bitch.  Emotional abuse is still abuse.

Don't let your family contrubute to the wedding; with money comes strings.  Limit your wedding and other discussions to the amount you feel comfortable with, and stop if the abuse begins again.  Offer family counseling if they'll join you, but know that they probably won't.  Let it be known that participation in your life is dependent on respect, and be willing to follow through.  

Look to your FI and friends for support, and seek counseling yourself if you need it. Use this special time to build the new life that you deserve.  That might include family members who can change, but don't let the ones that don't change drag your marriage back into the same patterns as your past.

If emotional abuse becomes physical, tell the police.  Assault is a crime. 

I wish you luck and strength.  I've been there.

AlmostMrsStrong

I get told I'm selfish a lot by my dad's side of the family whenever I'm standing up for myself. It hurts like hell, but let it roll off your back. Holding on to your anger only hurts yourself. Best of luck.

celticbeauty

Thanks for the support everyone. It helps to hear that I'm not alone with these issues. I certainly don't want to portray that there is any physical abuse as this isn't the case. I have been in therapy for the last 6 months so I do have support. And I have many wonderful friends (and FI) that are incredibly supportive. The wedding planning isn't too bad at this point. My parents aren't trying to control things (thank god) but they do struggle with adhering to the boundaries that my FI and I set (which happens in many other areas as well). I definitely have to decide how much I want people involved in my life and in what ways. I'm not ready to cut people out entirely, but I certainly don't want to let them ruin things either. I'm sure that my FI and I as well as my therapist will be working on this in the next few months.

saric83

You can only control your decisions, not theirs.  So if you don't want to deal with them, limit their involvement!  But you can't force them to act a certain way or be happy with your decisions.  

Like PP mentioned, don't accept any money for the wedding (if you do, you don't get to set the boundaries as a host since they would be hosting or co-hosting.)  

Don't talk with the wedding about them if they're being difficult.  Only bring it up, if BOTH parties want to talk about it.  

As for the guest list issue, just say something like, "Hey mom and dad, due to the space constraints of the location, we realized we can only fit x-number of people from our side of the family.  So please help me narrow it down, or FI and I will have to do it." End of discussion!  Give them a reasonable deadline of when you need their list, and leave it at this.  (But you can ONLY do this if you're paying for the wedding yourselves.  If not, they get a say in the guest list.)    

Good luck!

joyfulhappy1

money equals involvement so if you want to protect your boundaries, pay for the entire wedding and only invite those family members who respect your boundaries. And those that dont' will whine and complain no matter what you do. That's not selfish thats wisdom!

DeannaCW

Question: Have you set strong boundaries before? Have they crossed them when you did?
My FI used to be so laid back that his siblings would walk over him. It caused him a lot of anger for a couple years. To the point where he was feeling like a second-rate member of the family.  Around this time is when he finally realised he had to start standing up for himself, and did so.  Of course, when people aren't used to the doormat talking back, they flip.  From what you've written, it sounds like you're in this place now.  Keep up with the counselling, and stand your ground.  It's not always selfish to do things your way. Sometimes it's the best thing you can do for yourself.  It's not selfish, it's sanity-saving.  There will be an end to all this, whether they start to treat you with respect or you cut them out of your life. Either way, you will win this thing. 

Also, I'm gonna have to agree with those saying turn down money that comes with strings. Don't want these people trying to tie you down.

bakerie

I have no advice for you other than to say I know exactly how you feel. My family reacted the exact same way once I started acting like an adult and being independent. It's gotten better, but they still have their moments. They make me feel guilty about every little thing. Just wanted to say I feel for you, and remember you are not the selfish one here, they are.