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Mother of the Groom -- How do I get her to show interest

kimb333kimb333
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in Moms and Maids
My fiance's mother is very sweet but his family seems a bit out of touch with what it takes to plan a wedding. They ask me questions but not how they can help. My mom asked about the rehersal dinner and I am assuming My fiance and I will plan and pay for the event. And I don't know how to talk to my Fiance's mother about her wedding attire since I am sure she hasn't even thought about it.
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Re: Mother of the Groom -- How do I get her to show interest

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    lovemygrandkidslovemygrandkids
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-groom-her-show-interest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7200ce74-c4c5-4fc5-9deb-4fdc8f0ede5aPost:30ae872f-6bfe-48ea-b346-136f707cc68f">Mother of the Groom -- How do I get her to show interest</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance's mother is very sweet but his family seems a bit out of touch with what it takes to plan a wedding. They ask me questions but not how they can help. My mom asked about the rehersal dinner and I am assuming My fiance and I will plan and pay for the event. And I don't know how to talk to my Fiance's mother about her wedding attire since I am sure she hasn't even thought about it.
    Posted by kimb333@gmail.com[/QUOTE]


    Is this the first wedding in their immediately family?  They may be looking for some guidance from their son.  However, they are not obligated to plan or pay for any part of it although it sounds like they are at least interested since they ask about the wedding.

    As far as her dress goes, it's still early yet since your wedding isn't until next September.  As part of a friendly discussion maybe you could ask her if she has any ideas regarding MoG dresses.  
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    foreva2828foreva2828 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ha ha ha. consider yourself lucky that she's not more involved. my fmil is WAY too invested in inserting herself into EVERYTHING...and let's just say her taste and my taste coming together is like trying to jump over the grand canyon. ain't happening. you could always talk to your fi and ask him what he thinks of it. if he's not bothered, i wouldn't worry about her being involved or not involved. My mom called his mom to talk about their wedding day attire. She and I have never discussed it. Maybe that could be a good way to go with getting her thinking about wedding day attire. After all, they'll probably want the same level of formality in terms of style. You wouldn't want one in a cocktail dress style and the other in a full ballgown. 
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    laurenclaire1386laurenclaire1386
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why do you have to talk to her about wedding attire? As a grown woman, I'm sure FMIL can dress herself. I never do understand why brides feel a need to discuss what their moms or their FMIL's are wearing.  I'm really not being snarky.  Can someone please explain this to me?
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
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    michaela48michaela48 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011


    That sounds pretty snarky to me.

    I for one will be interested in what my fiances mother would be wearing to the wedding before the big day. I would want to make sure that it coordinates with the color scheme and doesnt match my own mother. If you dont care what your future mother in law is wearing then thats fine, but don't be rude to someone who does...

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    laurenclaire1386laurenclaire1386
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The fact that you need to make sure your FMIL "coordinates with the color scheme" makes you sound a little snarkier than I do.  I don't think I was being rude.  I think it's rude to dictate what people outside the WP wear.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
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    lovemygrandkidslovemygrandkids
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-groom-her-show-interest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7200ce74-c4c5-4fc5-9deb-4fdc8f0ede5aPost:b7ac39c2-4a4f-40af-90ef-63f42869c4b4">Re: Mother of the Groom -- How do I get her to show interest</a>:
    [QUOTE]The fact that you need to make sure your FMIL "coordinates with the color scheme" makes you sound a little snarkier than I do.  I don't think I was being rude.  I think it's rude to dictate what people outside the WP wear.
    Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

    I just reread all the posts and nobody was suggesting that anyone "dictate" what the MoG should wear. 

    It seems to me that you are purposely trying to provoke an argument.
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    laurenclaire1386laurenclaire1386
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Numbers (I'm sure TK ate your SN during the switch) I really wasn't trying to provoke an argument.  Having to discuss an outfit with anyone not in the WP is just a concept I don't get.  Along with needing your mom or FI's mom to match a color scheme.  I just. don't. get. it. If that's what you wanna do fine, but that doesn't mean I have to think it's not crazy and controlling.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
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    lovemygrandkidslovemygrandkids
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-groom-her-show-interest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7200ce74-c4c5-4fc5-9deb-4fdc8f0ede5aPost:5e1d06db-187e-4c00-ac48-f496c0b899c5">Re: Mother of the Groom -- How do I get her to show interest</a>:
    [QUOTE]Numbers (I'm sure TK ate your SN during the switch) I really wasn't trying to provoke an argument.  Having to discuss an outfit with anyone not in the WP is just a concept I don't get.  Along with needing your mom or FI's mom to match a color scheme.  I just. don't. get. it. If that's what you wanna do fine, but that doesn't mean I have to think it's not crazy and controlling.
    Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

    Oh yes the "numbers name".  I thought I had fixed that, but TK has other ideas). 

    I am glad that you aren't trying to provoke an argument. :)  I think the OP was getting mixed signals from her FMIL.  While OP sees her as a sweet woman who asks questions about the wedding she seems detached.  It does seem unusual for a mom of either the bride or the groom not to discuss <strong>anything</strong> about their dress with the bride.  It is a little early, so nothing to panic about.  The suggestion to strike up a conversation casually was so the OP can gauge what her FMIL thinking is.

    I found out after the wedding that my now DIL was going to pick out my MoG dress, but changed her mind.  Hahaha, that was a good idea on her part.  Before the wedding we found out that she was also going to pick out what tux my husband was going to wear.  DH had already picked out his tux.  for the record people thought we both looked wonderful.  We had never given our DIL any reason to think we would turn out poorly groomed or not tastefully dressed.

    I do agree that brides shouldn't have any say in what the mom's wear, but then the mom's have a duty to make sure they don't wear identical outfits or dresses identical to the bridal party or the same colour and keep the same level of formality.  All this is achieved through communication. 
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    kimb333kimb333
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Basically I the groom's mother is shy and doesn't like crowds and we are having a small wedding. I don't want to "dictate" what my mother in law will wear and I also understand that she's a grown woman and while I did think the comment that was made was quite snarky. My concern is she is anxious and shy and won't bring it up herself and I want to make sure she knows what my mother plans to wear simply so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable or unsure of what she should wear (under or overdressed etc.) since she would never ask us.

    In addition I don't care about the color scheme - my mother wanted to wear an elegant black simple cocktail length wrap dress and asked if that was ok and i said whatever you want mom.

    I am just concerned about 1. Making sure my FMIL is comfortable and feels good at the wedding and 2. I don't want her to feel left out.
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    lovemygrandkidslovemygrandkids
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-groom-her-show-interest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7200ce74-c4c5-4fc5-9deb-4fdc8f0ede5aPost:b6adb392-a8d9-4254-a5eb-296c5abd35dd">Re: Mother of the Groom -- How do I get her to show interest</a>:
    [QUOTE]Basically I the groom's mother is shy and doesn't like crowds and we are having a small wedding. I don't want to "dictate" what my mother in law will wear and I also understand that she's a grown woman and while I did think the comment that was made was quite snarky. My concern is she is anxious and shy and won't bring it up herself and I want to make sure she knows what my mother plans to wear simply so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable or unsure of what she should wear (under or overdressed etc.) since she would never ask us. In addition I don't care about the color scheme - my mother wanted to wear an elegant black simple cocktail length wrap dress and asked if that was ok and i said whatever you want mom. I am just concerned about 1. Making sure my FMIL is comfortable and feels good at the wedding and 2. I don't want her to feel left out.
    Posted by kimb333@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

    I think you are a kind and considerate DIL. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

    Do you think she would enjoy a day of dress shopping with you?  Perhaps include lunch somewhere nice.  Make it a fun day. 
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    bhancoc1797bhancoc1797 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You girls are goofy.
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    gibsonkkgibsonkk member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Kim, I'm in a very similar situation!
    I've tried to share wedding plans and ideas with, her hoping to initiate a converstaion but to very little success. FMIL is a very smart woman but has zero experience with traditional weddings which I think makes her very anxious about talking to me about it. She doesn't know what to ask, or how to give suggestions. It might make it worse that I work in the bridal industry and know quite a bit of the ins and outs.

    Having just spent Thanksgiving holiday with them (they live in a different state), we tried to bring it up and she would change the subject and became very anxious. At this point, not sure if I should keep sharing or sending wedding tid bits to her or not. I think I'll let it go for a while and try again after the holidays. I sent her a little Mother of the Groom package with print outs of our venues (which we took her too and she was excited then) and included all sorts of details and info, in an effort to make her feel like she knew what was going to happen and be familiar.

    Yes, I also don't care what she wears, but wants to make sure she's comfortable. I'd feel so bad if she wore something completely different than the formality. I want her to feel comfortable! I think come Feb or so, I'll have my mom contact her in a general mom-to-mom wedding conversation. Would your mom do this for you?

    haha if it makes you feel better, having spent 3+ days with her, she never said the word "wedding" once and when we left, wished me luck getting ready for our "upcoming festivies"! omg. Smile

    Sorry I don't have more suggestions. Just jumping in the same boat with you! Maybe put together a compliation of wedding details so far? Or maybe you (we) should ask FMIL to take a take on a special task? or maybe just try to ask their opinions on things? - like, see what she thinks about what cake flavors to offer? or linen colors? try and find something to ask her about or a task to give her that is in her comfort zone or is something she's familiar with. ?

    haha its hard to want to keep trying and to try and not come off as a crazy bride!
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    Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You don't "get" others to show an interest or to do anything.  But from your later posts, I see that she is shy and may be interested but doesn't know how to bring it up. 

    You just ask her if she has any thoughts about her son's wedding, and if she wants to be involved in the planning, and if so, just how involved.  You might encourage her to open up by asking about her wedding. 

    If your mother and FMIL are acquainted, suggest that your mother talk to her about what she is wearing.  If not, then just mention what your mom is wearing and leave it at that.  It's somewhat of a common courtesy for the MOB to choose her dress first, and for the MOG to follow suit as far as the length and formality of the type attire.

    The mothers don't need to "match" anything.  They will be fine as long as they don't clash with the wedding party (because of the photos).

    The questions she has asked might be to help her determine how formal it will be, and the colors, so she can be dressed appropriately. 

    I am curious, is your FMIL normally appropriately attired for various other occasions, and do you think she has good sense of style?  If she does, then relax and trust her taste/judgment.  If not, then gently ask a few questions or make a few random remarks about how pretty such and such dress would look on her and ask if she's already got a dress for the wedding.
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    connie0000connie0000
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You don't know how to talk to her about her wedding attire? have you tried to just say "I want to talk to you about wedding attire"
    As for her not showing interest... maybe she isn't. This is your deal with your mom. Not her wedding to plan.
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    kgreeleykgreeley
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why don't you offer to go shopping with her for her dress? I am actually going tomorrow, with her two daughters and her.  One of the daughters is in the wedding (the other is preg and will have an infant so she opted out) so we are getting her fitted for her dress, then going to lunch, and then looking at dresses.  I don't love my FMIL but I want her to feel a part of things so I thought I could make this a fun day with her daughters and me.  I am also paying for the dress since she doesn't have much money so that maybe is why it makes sense for me to go with her, but could still be fun either way. 
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