Matron of Honor Vent! (long)

snooks721

OK so my Matron of Honor is FI's sister. Initially when I got engaged, I wasn't planning on having a Maid of Honor or Matron of Honor because I couldn't choose between my 4 best friends and FI's sister had just moved a couple states away. So I decided I didn't want to have a MOH even though I had told FI's sister YEARS ago that when I got married she would be it. Well, she remembered that when I asked her to be a Bridesmaid. She was like "I thought I was going to be your MOH" and cried to me about it and I told her I wasn't planning on having one because she lived 7 hours away and how was she going to plan everything and help from a couple states away? I thought I was giving her a break! Anyways, I ended up agreeing to have her as my Maid Of Honor as long as the rest of my BM's were fine with it and helping out in her absense. OK now let's fast forward 6 months. FI's sister has not ONCE asked me how wedding planning is going. She never brings up our wedding, never asks if I need help with anything and just clearly doesn't care. I'm fed up because my other BM's have really stepped up to the plate, one in particular. My one BM has been my best friend since I was 10. We have never once gotten into a fight in our 15 years of friendship. The girl does not have a mean bone in her body and has been helping me out so much. She is the one who brought up planning my shower and is always asking me what I need help with, what's next on the checklist, what can she do for me, etc. Then I realized that FI's sister will be married before me so technically I will have to call her my Matron of Honor. I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to promote my BM to Maid of Honor since she has pretty much been taking over the responsibility anyways. So that went fine. My Maid of Honor has been planning my shower, sending e-mails to the other BM's including FI's sister and they have been planning the shower as a surprise. I don't know any details, when it is, the theme, where, etc. So about two months ago FI's sister calls me (she never calls me first) and brought up the fact that she didn't know she had to "chip in" for the shower. She was like "It's not that I'm not going to but... I've stood up in 3 weddings and I never had to chip in for a shower". I was pissed. She NEVER asks me about the wedding and the one time she does is to complain about chipping in for my shower? I told her that she was very lucky to have been in weddings where she didn't have to chip in but according to etiquette, it's HER responsibility to host the shower. I know that now it's very common for the bride's family to throw the shower and pay but... my parents are paying for my entire wedding. They are not millionaires and are killing themselves working overtime to save money for the wedding. I would never expect them to pay for the shower TOO and neither would my friends. Anyways I proceeded to tell FI's sister that the reason why I didn't stand up in my one friend's wedding was because I couldn't afford it. I could have afforded the dress but then you might have to get in altered, shoes, makeup, hair, would be expected to chip in for the shower, bachelorette party, etc. Kind of hinting that if she can't afford to chip in, then why did she cry to me to be my MOH? Forgot to mention that she had also said to me "If your shower isn't the first week in April then I can't come. That's when the kids have Spring Break. If it's not that week then I can't come, I'm not pulling the kids out of school." OK number 1, who said anything about you coming up with the kids? Number 2, sorry I forgot that this wedding revolves around you and your schedule! Grrr! So while we were on this phone call she also says to me "I think we all need to keep in mind that I have 3 kids and a household to maintain." OK sorry your fiance is a police office and probably makes close to 6 figures a year and you can be a stay-at-home mom. I HATE when she plays the money card with me because they always have the newest cell phones, just bought a 72" screen TV, bought a boat over the summer, buy her parents new cell phones so they can play "WordFeud" together. UGH! So I kind of ended the phone call saying "Sorry, but you'll have to talk to my bridesmaids about this because they're the ones planning it. I'm not involved." I was so angry that she brought me into it. I had no idea what was going on with planning and I like it that way. That way if there's drama (which there obviously is) I'm not apart of it. So anyways it was just Christmas and she bought her parents an iPad for Christmas. An IPAD! Isn't an iPad at least $500? What happened to you having 3 kids and a household to maintain? I'm not saying that she can't buy her parents an iPad because that is a VERY nice gift but then don't play the money card with me! You can't save $50 to chip in for my shower, but you can buy a $500 iPad. Then the icing on the cake is that her and her FI booked a trip to Vegas the day after our wedding. Of course she said to me "the day after we come back from Buffalo" not mentioning the wedding at all! She never acknowledges the wedding. She never asks me about planning and since that phone conversation with her I really haven't talked to her because I'm so angry. I'm hurt that I'm not important enough to her that she could stop thinking about herself for one minute and think about me. Her ONLY friend. The only person that she can vent to and I always listen. She never asks me about myself... ever. Never asks about work, how me and FI are, how house hunting is going, etc. So, getting to the bottom line... I'm kind of debating who I want standing next to me at the ceremony. I told FI's sister that she would be next to me, but now I feel like she doesn't deserve that honor. She hasn't done ANYTHING for me. My Maid of Honor is the one doing all the work and she is the one who really deserves it. I would really want to have her be the one standing next to me but... FI's sister is the kind of person who will hold a grudge till the day she dies. If I told her I was going to have Maid of Honor switch with her she would be pissed. She probably wouldn't talk to me and I just worry about drama the day of the wedding. I don't want any drama with the family because it's not like she's a friend... it's my FI's sister, my FSIL. She will always be in our lives. I don't know what to do. I know it's my wedding and I should do what I want but I don't want DRAMA. I don't want anything ruining my day. Does anyone have any advice for me? Thanks for reading this if you did!

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72582763-3414-4f38-bc34-fb15b694b65ePost:4cc00f18-9302-4d82-9faf-45d96961dcf8">Matron of Honor Vent! (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]OK so my Matron of Honor is FI's sister. Initially when I got engaged, I wasn't planning on having a Maid of Honor or Matron of Honor because I couldn't choose between my 4 best friends and FI's sister had just moved a couple states away. So I decided I didn't want to have a MOH even though I had told FI's sister YEARS ago that when I got married she would be it. Well, she remembered that when I asked her to be a Bridesmaid. She was like "I thought I was going to be your MOH" and cried to me about it and I told her I wasn't planning on having one because she lived 7 hours away and how was she going to plan everything and help from a couple states away? I thought I was giving her a break! Anyways, I ended up agreeing to have her as my Maid Of Honor as long as the rest of my BM's were fine with it and helping out in her absense. OK now let's fast forward 6 months. FI's sister has not ONCE asked me how wedding planning is going. She never brings up our wedding, never asks if I need help with anything and just clearly doesn't care. I'm fed up because my other BM's have really stepped up to the plate, one in particular. My one BM has been my best friend since I was 10. We have never once gotten into a fight in our 15 years of friendship. The girl does not have a mean bone in her body and has been helping me out so much. She is the one who brought up planning my shower and is always asking me what I need help with, what's next on the checklist, what can she do for me, etc. Then I realized that FI's sister will be married before me so technically I will have to call her my Matron of Honor. I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to promote my BM to Maid of Honor since she has pretty much been taking over the responsibility anyways. So that went fine. My Maid of Honor has been planning my shower, sending e-mails to the other BM's including FI's sister and they have been planning the shower as a surprise. I don't know any details, when it is, the theme, where, etc. So about two months ago FI's sister calls me (she never calls me first) and brought up the fact that she didn't know she had to "chip in" for the shower. She was like "It's not that I'm not going to but... I've stood up in 3 weddings and I never had to chip in for a shower". I was pissed. She NEVER asks me about the wedding and the one time she does is to complain about chipping in for my shower?<strong> I told her that she was very lucky to have been in weddings where she didn't have to chip in but according to etiquette, it's HER responsibility to host the shower. </strong>I know that now it's very common for the bride's family to throw the shower and pay but... <span style="font-weight:bold;">my parents are paying for my entire wedding. They are not millionaires and are killing themselves working overtime to save money for the wedding. I would never expect them to pay for the shower TOO and neither would my friends.</span> Anyways I proceeded to tell FI's sister that the reason why I didn't stand up in my one friend's wedding was because I couldn't afford it. I could have afforded the dress but then you might have to get in altered, shoes, makeup, hair, would be expected to chip in for the shower, bachelorette party, etc. Kind of hinting that if she can't afford to chip in, then why did she cry to me to be my MOH? Forgot to mention that she had also said to me "If your shower isn't the first week in April then I can't come. That's when the kids have Spring Break. If it's not that week then I can't come, I'm not pulling the kids out of school." OK number 1, who said anything about you coming up with the kids? Number 2, sorry I forgot that this wedding revolves around you and your schedule! Grrr! So while we were on this phone call she also says to me "I think we all need to keep in mind that I have 3 kids and a household to maintain." OK sorry your fiance is a police office and probably makes close to 6 figures a year and you can be a stay-at-home mom. I HATE when she plays the money card with me because they always have the newest cell phones, just bought a 72" screen TV, bought a boat over the summer, buy her parents new cell phones so they can play "WordFeud" together. UGH! So I kind of ended the phone call saying "Sorry, but you'll have to talk to my bridesmaids about this because they're the ones planning it. I'm not involved." I was so angry that she brought me into it. I had no idea what was going on with planning and I like it that way. That way if there's drama (which there obviously is) I'm not apart of it. So anyways it was just Christmas and she bought her parents an iPad for Christmas. An IPAD! Isn't an iPad at least $500? What happened to you having 3 kids and a household to maintain? I'm not saying that she can't buy her parents an iPad because that is a VERY nice gift but then don't play the money card with me! You can't save $50 to chip in for my shower, but you can buy a $500 iPad. Then the icing on the cake is that her and her FI booked a trip to Vegas the day after our wedding. Of course she said to me "the day after we come back from Buffalo" not mentioning the wedding at all! She never acknowledges the wedding. She never asks me about planning and since that phone conversation with her I really haven't talked to her because I'm so angry. I'm hurt that I'm not important enough to her that she could stop thinking about herself for one minute and think about me. Her ONLY friend. The only person that she can vent to and I always listen. She never asks me about myself... ever. Never asks about work, how me and FI are, how house hunting is going, etc. So, getting to the bottom line... I'm kind of debating who I want standing next to me at the ceremony. I told FI's sister that she would be next to me, but now I feel like she doesn't deserve that honor. She hasn't done ANYTHING for me. My Maid of Honor is the one doing all the work and she is the one who really deserves it. I would really want to have her be the one standing next to me but... FI's sister is the kind of person who will hold a grudge till the day she dies. If I told her I was going to have Maid of Honor switch with her she would be pissed. She probably wouldn't talk to me and I just worry about drama the day of the wedding. I don't want any drama with the family because it's not like she's a friend... it's my FI's sister, my FSIL. She will always be in our lives. I don't know what to do. I know it's my wedding and I should do what I want but I don't want DRAMA. I don't want anything ruining my day. Does anyone have any advice for me? Thanks for reading this if you did!
Posted by snooks721[/QUOTE]

Snooks- You should prepare yourself, because I don't think you are going to like the responses you will get.

1. Once you choose your wedding party, it's a done deal. Firing and demoting wp members is a huge etiquette faux pas. It will damage your relationship with your FSIL ( the woman that you will share holiday meals with for the rest of your life)  and will make you look like a bridezilla. Not a very nice way to join a family.

2.Your wedding party does not owe you a shower. It is not part of the MOH/BM duties to throw you parties. Their only responsibilities are to buy the dresses that you have chosen and show up sober and on time for your wedding. MOH/BM are chosen based on your feelings for them, rather than what they can do for you.
 Your new MOH friend was wrong to tell your MOH that she owed her for the shower. She should have called each wp member and <strong>ASKED</strong> them <strong>IF</strong> and how much each individual was willing and able to contribute. Anyone who contributes should have a say in the planning.

3. You FSIL may do whatever she likes with her own money. She doens't have to justify her expenses to you. It's her money. She can burn it in the fireplace and tell you she's broke if that's what she wants to do. But you don't get to judge.

4. If you and fi can't plan the wedding without help, you're doing it wrong. Scale back or hire a wedding planner. It's okay to accept help from volunteers, but no one should be expected to help you.

5.Your parents should not have to 'kill themselves working overtime' to pay for your wedding. You should be planning a wedding that is affordable.

Good luck with your planning.

CFM102012

1. Paragraphs are your friend. Use them. They make your long bridezilla post easier to read.

2. Ditto everything Maire said.

3. No one is going be as excited for your wedding as you are.  Don't expect your friends to ask about the wedding everytime you talk to them, they might already be tired of hearing about it. How about you stop being selfish and thinking of yourself and your special day and ask FSIL about her kids or some other non related thing?

melntaitt

Ok hun take a breath! You sound very frustrated by this person.

1. It makes sense that you're upset that she brought the money issue up to you and you did the right thing by redirecting her back to the planner.

2. She's probably still ticked that she was demoted in the wedding party, so expect that her participation in the wedding will be less than willing. It might be also laced with contempt, a litte resentment and a whole lot of attitude. At this point, you can't do anything about it short of firing her which might make things worse - or it could be worth it...only you will know.

3. Finally, just try to ride this thing out. I know I come here because it's a safe place to rant and rave about the sh*t I can't rant and rave about to my friends and family for fear they will think I have lost my cookies. It's ok; don't worry. The wedding will come and go but the relationship with your FSIL will go beyond that. See what you can do to salvage some of your relationship. It's not fun not being on good terms with the hubby's family.

blues28

Agree with Maire. Your FSIL has a life of her own and 3 children. Your wedding is one day.

She only needs to buy the dress and show up and be in the pictures. It's wrong to take people out of your wedding party. She is going to be your family. And the way she and her family spends their money does not concern you.

snooks721

OK I apologize in my long rant I didn't make things clear.

1. It is not my intention at all to "demote" her, I was only going to have her switch places during the ceremony with my Maid of Honor. I just think my Maid of Honor deserves it because she is the one doing all the work. FSIL hasn't done one thing.

2. I definitely do NOT think that every conversation I have with my friend's should revolve around the wedding. I didn't mean that. I talk to my friend's about their lives and I am not by ANY means a bridezilla. It may have come off that way in my post but I didn't mean to sound "selfish". I just kind of exploded in this post because I have been holding everything in. Everytime I talk to FSIL I ALWAYS am asking about her life. How are the kids doing in school, how is her FI, how are their friends down there. That's my whole point. We only talk about her life. She never asks me questions back. The conversations we have ONLY revolve around her. My point is that it hurts me that she never brings it up. I feel like she doesn't care that we're getting married. I feel like she doesn't care about me period. The only thing she cares about is that I have ears to listen to her talk about herself. I am a VERY good friend to her but that friendship is not reciprocated.

3. I agree that she can do whatever she wants with her money but it bothers me that she told me she doesn't have the money to chip in for the shower, when she clearly does. I just don't like being lied to. I did not EXPECT my bridesmaids to offer to throw the shower. They took it upon themselves. I know that they don't "owe" me anything but they love me and want me to have a nice shower. I never brought it up to them. I guess my Maid of Honor just sent around an e-mail saying that they should discuss a budget. It caught my FSIL off guard and she called me about it. I don't think that was right. She should have said something to them, not me.

4. My parents refuse to let FI and I help pay for the wedding. Everything we have planned for our wedding is in their budget. I feel terrible that they are working extra shifts and overtime but they want to. They want to give us a nice wedding. We are not calling the shots, we run everything by my parent's first for approval.

Bottom line, I can see how I may have been interpreted to be a "bitch". It's hard to explain everything because no one knows the full story, history, etc. I was the kind of person to always put others before myself, especially FSIL. Now I have just come to the realization that she will never do for me, what I would do for her. Like I said, she is planning on getting married next month. Nothing crazy, but I am always texting her/e-mailing her to see if she needs help with anything. What can I do for her, etc. I don't get that back. It's just hurtful because I am realizing the kind of person she is. Like I said, I am not a bitch I am just very frustrated because I feel bad that my BM's have to deal with her and her selfish ways and I feel like she has no interest in my life.

I didn't make paragraph's because I was on a roll and in a rush and I didn't want to worry about it. Haha sorry if that bothers anyone.

freebread03

Unfortunately for you, its not her responsibility to do anything but buy the dress and show up for the wedding.  Etiquette does NOT dictate that she pitch in for the shower.  And "promoting" someone because she helps out a lot?  Being a MOH shouldn't be a job (though you seem to view it as one), so you really shouldn't be bestowing "honors" upon people by the amount of work they do for you. 

I can understand your frustrations, but you really need to step back and chill out.

snooks721

Every etiquette book, or website I've looked at shows that the MOH is responsible for hosting the shower along with other duties. (http://www.themaidofhonorguide.com/) It's not like I'm making this stuff up. It isn't a job but along with the title comes responsibilities. Am I wrong? When I was asked to stand up in a wedding I was expected to do all of these things too. Like I said, I didn't "expect" my bridesmaids to throw my shower but 4 of out 5 wanted to. If it were me, I would want to give my friend a nice shower so I would of course chip in. My whole point is that I feel like I'm not worth anything to her. It's not about the money. It's the fact that she doesn't want to do anything for me but I'm expected to do a lot for her.

melntaitt

Ok, so it's your MOH's job; you already said your FSIL is now a BM so she does not owe you for this, if that's how you're choosing to look at it.

Also, I don't think anyone can force their money on you. You're making an active choice to take your parents' money and that's fine, but it sounds like you're not accepting some responsibility in this matter.

If you don't feel like you're anything to her, why did you initially want her as your MOH? It sounds like your relationship soured after she moved away and you wanted someone else to take that position. Again, fine, but be honest about it.

This is not a bunch of other people's fault. This is your wedding - you get to say who is involved and how; people cannot force themselves on you nor you on them. If your other 4 BMs want to contribute, fine, why is it so important that FSIL contribute as well?

Please consider the havoc you're digging yourself into with this; it's a touch silly that this person's actions and activities are making you so upset. I'm still willing to bet she's mad that you demoted her - and so we're all clear about this - you demoted her. Intentionally or not - you demoted her.

MairePoppy

The website that you are referencing, as well as all the bridal magazines, including The Knot, make money by selling advertisements. In order to get companies to buy ads, they must convince you, The Bride or The Bride's Mom, or Whoever, that in order to have a beautiful wedding, you need to purchase the products or services that they advertise. Their advice is not based on etiquette; it is based on pumping money into wedding industry.

If you want good advice, listen to Miss Manners or Emily Post. They will tell you that etiquette is all about making people feel comfortable and valued. They will not give you a list of duties for your dearest friends and relatives. It's just good common sense.

You mentioned in your follow up post that your FSIL is getting married next month.  Maybe she has taken the advice of wedding magazines, too, and is under the mistaken impression that all attention should be focused on her, The Bride,right now. If that's the case, she might come around after her wedding and show a little more interest in your life. If not, you still have your wonderful fi and the friends that actually are interested in you, right?

snooks721

melntaitt- I did not demote her. She is my Matron of Honor. She was my Maid of Honor but since she will be married by the time I get married, I have to call her my Matron of Honor. I did not demote her to a BM. It's not about her contributing, it's just the fact that it seems she can't be bothered. It's just hurtful. Not in the sense of my wedding either, in general she has made it clear that she doesn't really care about my life. Why did I choose to have her in my wedding? I don't know. I kind of felt bullied into it and it's no one's fault but mine. I know that. I know that this is my own problem that I brought upon myself. This could have all been avoided if I didn't ask her to stand up. But because I told her that she would stand up a few years before we actually got engaged, I figured I shouldn't go back on my word. At that time, she was a good friend to me. But as time went on, I began to saw her true colors. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy her company and when we're together we have a lot of laughs. It's just that over the entire process of planning my wedding, she hasn't been there for me. I've been there for her through a lot. FI and I went through a rough patch 2 years ago before we were engaged and were on "a break". She didn't once call me to see how I was holding up (it was his decision, not mine) I just thought as a close friend she would have been there for me. I should have realized then that she refuses to make any effort. So you guys are right. It is my fault and I dug myself into this hole. I should be angry with myself, not her. She is a self-centered person. I've always known that, I just didn't think she would take it as far as to have zero interest in my life. She doesn't have any friends and now I can understand why.

melntaitt

 I'm fed up because my other BM's have really stepped up to the plate, one in particular. My one BM has been my best friend since I was 10. We have never once gotten into a fight in our 15 years of friendship. The girl does not have a mean bone in her body and has been helping me out so much. She is the one who brought up planning my shower and is always asking me what I need help with, what's next on the checklist, what can she do for me, etc. Then I realized that FI's sister will be married before me so technically I will have to call her my Matron of Honor. I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to promote my BM to Maid of Honor since she has pretty much been taking over the responsibility anyways. So that went fine. My Maid of Honor has been planning my shower, sending e-mails to the other BM's including FI's sister and they have been planning the shower as a surprise.


This is what gave the readers the impression that she was demoted; this is the reason why the general impression is that she is so resentful.

I think I missed the part where she was getting married too until just now; do you have a role in her wedding?

MairePoppy

There's no reason to be angry at yourself, either. You just need to change your outlook: If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed.

Spend time and attention on the friends that love you. If they do nice things for you, be pleasantly surprised and very appreciative.

snooks721

Oh yeah I can see how that was confusing. I'm going to have a Maid of Honor AND a Matron of Honor.

Her and her fiance are getting married by the Justice of the Peace. It will only be immediate family attending. She said afterwards they are planning on just having a "brunch". So they're not having a "traditional" wedding She's not having bridesmaids or anything like that. But, I want her to have a nice day so I offered to look into restaurants in her area, check out prices, help with anything she needs. She said "thank you" but that was it. She told me that the only reason she wants to get married is so her and her daughter can be on his health insurance. She has a daughter from her previous relationship and he has two kids from his previous marriage. Since she is not working she needs health insurance so that's her reasoning for getting married.

[Deleted User]

The bridal industry would lead you to believe that the MOH is responsible for the shower and more, but all she needs to do is show up at the day and time appointed sober in the appropriate dress.  It's unrealistic to expect that she will put the same importance on your wedding as you do.  It's your day and no one else will be as passionate as you are about getting married.  It sounds like she has a very busy and hectic life, plus lives several states away.  Remember, you asked her to be a part of your special day because of your relationship, not for the amount of work that she can do for you.  If you want a wedding planner, hire one.  

I expect absolutely nothing of my BM or MOH.  I don't require them to help plan and if they wish to join me, then that is wonderful, but it's not required.  I try to focus on our friendships and enjoy our time together rather than being singularly focused on the wedding.   It's great that you have a BM who wants to be so actively involved (my MOH is like this too), but you're getting a bonus by her willingness to do this and it is not a requirement.  You're honoring her with a title, not hiring her for a job.

melntaitt

Aha; well I hope you guys work it out. She's your family now and I hope you guys can work through this. I totally get that it's a way different perspective of weddings (and probably marraiage) for both of you so please don't be mad at yourself.

It is what it is! Enjoy your day and have fun with your planning; it sounds like you have a great bridal team behind you so don't worry too much about one wayward member.

snooks721

Caj- I agree. I don't expect anyone to make "my wedding" the center of their lives. I feel terrible that I came off like that. Because I am not that kind of person. The thing is, she doesn't have a crazy, hectic life. She is a stay at home mom. All the kids are in school. I understand that there are chores to be done around the house but I know for a fact she sits on her phone all day playing "WordFeud" with her parents. I don't care what she does with her free time. She is lucky enough to be in a relationship where she doesn't have to work. My whole problem with her is that I care a lot for her and it's not reciprocated. She has made it very clear, not only in the aspect of the wedding but in other aspects that I haven't discussed. I don't expect my wedding to be at the top of her priority list. I don't. I really don't. I just thought that during the many phone conversations and Skype sessions I had with her she would once say "Hey, how's work going?" "What have you been up to?" "How are you and my brother doing" "How's house hunting going?" "How's planning coming along?" She doesn't ask because she doesn't care. It just hurts. Because I care about her a lot. I don't expect her to care about my life more than hers but in a friendship I feel like things should be equal and they're not.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:72582763-3414-4f38-bc34-fb15b694b65ePost:aa9dd846-81a6-4071-899d-14e4b3fd0de5">Re: Matron of Honor Vent! (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh yeah I can see how that was confusing. I'm going to have a Maid of Honor AND a Matron of Honor. Her and her fiance are getting married by the Justice of the Peace. It will only be immediate family attending. She said afterwards they are planning on just having a "brunch". So they're not having a "traditional" wedding She's not having bridesmaids or anything like that. But, I want her to have a nice day so I offered to look into restaurants in her area, check out prices, help with anything she needs. She said "thank you" but that was it. She told me that the only reason she wants to get married is so her and her daughter can be on his health insurance. She has a daughter from her previous relationship and he has two kids from his previous marriage.<strong> Since she is not working</strong> she needs health insurance so that's her reasoning for getting married.
Posted by snooks721[/QUOTE]

You sound very judgemental over FSIL's reasons for getting married and her choice for <em>how</em> to go about it.

That said, you said she's "lied to you" about not being able to afford things when you "know" that she can. How exactly do you KNOW that she can afford things when she is not working and has children that she needs to support? Nevermind that she doesn't <em>need </em>to justify how she spends <strong>her</strong> money, but I'm honestly curious where all this money she is supposedly trying to hide from you is supposedly coming from.

Seriously OP... get over yourself. You may not think you're stepping into bridezilla territory, but you've beyond crossed that line.

snooks721

Kelly- Maybe you didn't read my post (which I don't blame you if you didn't). I explain up there how I know she has money. That whole thing is not my point. It's not about the money. She can do whatever she wants. You're right. She doesn't need to justify anything to me. But don't tell me you can't afford anything and then buy your parents an iPad, plan a trip to Vegas, buy a new boat. I know she can afford $50. I would never say anything to her, it's not my place. It's just the fact that she is the kind of person who only thinks about herself. If the situation does not revolve around her, she doesn't care about it. That's my point. I'm just frustrated with who she is as a person. It doesn't have only to do with my wedding. You guys don't know me. I am not the "bridezilla" I came off to be. I don't feel like my wedding needs to be "perfect" or "over the top". I am extremely laid back when it comes to the planning of my wedding. None of you would know that because you don't know me. So please, don't judge me. If you knew me you probably wouldn't even know I was getting married. I don't bring it up in conversation. I'm not the kind of bride that ONLY talks about my wedding. I don't think it's fair to judge me based on a rant that I typed. I know it's hard to decipher the kind of tone I'm using when you're reading it. I'm just fed up with her as a PERSON, not as apart of my WP. Her attitude towards the wedding is just what put me over the top.

[Deleted User]

I really think you need to have a heart to heart with your friend (no wedding talk) and let her know how you feel.  Clearly your friendship with her is in crisis mode and it means a lot to you.  Friendships come and go, but if you feel that it's worth fighting for you should, but you should be open and prepared to understand her reasons.  Just because she doesn't have to work doesn't mean that things are just peachy.  You should not be juding how she spends her money - $500 or $50, it is her choice how she chooses to spend it.  It seems like you two may need to work on your friendship first and the wedding second.

My mother once opted against participating in a bridal shower for a similar reason.  Now, she did end up hosting her own for the bride to incorporate people from her FSIIL's new family. (The other was thrown by the bride's mother with no input and only a call to say your share is this much, please send.)

Granted, we don't know your whole story, but we can only go off the post that you presented and while I'm sure you meant as a cathartic writing exercise, may have backfired in terms of how we perceived and interpreted your comments.

AlmostMrsStrong

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72582763-3414-4f38-bc34-fb15b694b65ePost:ca454579-c9bd-483c-8374-241e3e41dbbe">Re: Matron of Honor Vent! (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]You're not getting it.  She doesn't have to do anything.  She doesn't have to show interest.  She doesn't need to give you parties or her time, or spend her money (except on a dress). MOH is position of HONOUR, for the person that is closest to you.  Not a job with a required list of duties. You're in a snit because this girl isn't doing enough for you.  She's going to be part of your family.  I'd suggest cut her some slack. It doesn't MATTER what she does with her money.  You have no, zero, right to judge that.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>OP has replied and said that she's upset because FSIL isn't interested in ANY aspect of her life. FSIL doesn't have to give her any time, that is true, but I'd be upset if I called one of my bridesmaids just to chat, she went on and on about herself, and then didn't ask me how I'm doing or what I've been up to. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, I think you came off a little strong at first, but I understand where you're coming from. You're frustrated that FSIL isn't there for you as a bride, but more so than that, she isn't there for you <u>as a person</u>. That makes sense. Others have told you what her responsibilities are (or rather, aren't) as a MOH, so I'm not going to rehash that. I will tell you that next time she calls, tell her how you're feeling. Leave out all the bridal stuff, but tell her that you're upset and why. Don't be accusational; maybe she's just being completely oblivious unintentionally. Best of luck, you definitely don't want to enter your marriage already fighting with your in-laws.

</div>

snooks721

I just feel like she hasn't been a very good friend to me over the last couple years. Like I said, I got myself into this mess. I guess my question is, can I change my mind? I don't want to have her standing next to me. I want my other friend standing next to me. I never had it written in stone but I did tell her she would be first in line. But now, I would prefer to have my other friend who is my Maid of Honor stand next to me. I don't want any drama but I also think I have a right to decide. I just don't know if I can go back on my word... what would you guys do?

mcskatcat

I'll go ahead and say that I only read through a few, very long posts.  But my question is this:  why would anyone else ever be expected to spend their money on you?  You can come up with a lot of bullshit reasons, like that you had spent money on being in their wedding, so on and so forth, but fact of the matter is no one is ever required, nor should be expected, to dish out some of their hard earned cash because you want them to or because of the occasion.  If she wants to shower others with lavish gifts, that's fine.  But that does not entitle you to the same, and you have no right to expect the same, no matter how you justify it in your head. 

snooks721

It wasn't the fact that I want her to spend her money on me. It's just the way she went about it. The way she called me complaining about it. I don't think that was right for her to bring me into it. I have nothing to do with planning the shower. If she had a problem she should have brought it up to my bridesmaids. I just think she was rude in the situation. It's not about the money. It's about her attitude towards everything.

mcskatcat

Sorry, but you don't get as upset as you did above *sweeping gesture* at the fact she called you to complain.  If she doesn't want to be involved in the shower, then you should just tell her that she doesn't have to do anything and be done with it.  You don't write paragraphs upon paragraphs because of a measely phone call.   And of all wedding things, sorry but this is minor league.  Not something worth being this upset about. 

If you're complaining about your SIL in general, that I can sympathize with.  I really can.  But this is not as bad as you're making it out to be. 

snooks721

I see you said you didn't read everything. I said it's not just about the wedding, it's about her as a person. It's not about the phone call but that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It just so happened to be regarding my wedding. It could have been anything but it was just my breaking point. It's her attitude that I have a problem with. Trust me, it's bad. It's bad that FI agrees with me and that's his sister. He knows how she is. He told me he wished I would have run it by him first before asking her to stand up for me cause he would have said "No, don't do it".

mcskatcat

As someone with a SIL I often wish I didn't have, I will tell you to just keep your distance from here on out.  I've tried all kinds of things, and then I find that everytime I think things might work out or that I won't totally hate her forever, she says something awful or does something awful.  After Christmas this year, I've decided I will just not return her phone calls or deal with her.  Period.  I would suggest you just learn to start keeping your distance.  Sometimes there's nothing else you can do.  I know it can be frustrating, and I know it can make you think every little thing abotu her is terrible.  But all I've learned is that she is someone who takes up energy I don't have. 

snooks721

Yeah, I have been keeping my distance but she is planning a small wedding soon so I have been reaching out to her to see if she needs help. That's the only reason I have texted her lately. I used to call her once a week but I have since stopped when I hit my breaking point. I don't want to argue with her and I don't want any drama. I should be focusing on other things and I don't know why I'm letting this bother me so much. I'm just angry at her. I really, truly care about her and I'm hurt that I feel like she doesn't care about me. I should focus on my friends who DO care about me and not let this bother me but that's just the kind of person I am. This should be one of the happiest times in my life, not the most stressful.

snooks721

Retread- you're absolutely right. I would never demote her, kick her out, or take away her "Matron of Honor" title. But since I am having a Matron of Honor AND a Maid of Honor, I wish I would have my Maid of Honor stand next to me instead of FSIL. I don't want any family drama. I know FI would be on my side but I would feel terrible if it were me who caused a rift in the family. Fortunately for me, she lives a couple states away so I rarely see her now so I don't spend, Christmas, Thanksgiving, holidays with her. But you never know, they could move back? I guess it's just better to just grin and bare it.

[Deleted User]

<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72582763-3414-4f38-bc34-fb15b694b65ePost:fab00fe0-6453-456e-aacd-a3bfba1a1f68">Re: Matron of Honor Vent! (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I just feel like she hasn't been a very good friend to me over the last couple years. Like I said, I got myself into this mess. <strong>I guess my question is, can I change my mind? I</strong> don't want to have her standing next to me. I want my other friend standing next to me. I never had it written in stone but I did tell her she would be first in line. But now, I would prefer to have my other friend who is my Maid of Honor stand next to me. I don't want any drama but I also think I have a right to decide. I just don't know if I can go back on my word... what would you guys do?
Posted by snooks721[/QUOTE]

<div>Unfortunately, the answer is <strong>no</strong>.  Once you've asked and they have accepted, they are in the BP.  If she does not purchase the dress by the ordering deadline, then she removes herself from the bridal party.  However, it is universally seen on TK that to ask a BM to leave the BP is <u>friendship ending</u>.  If you are prepared to lose her as a friend, then certainly commit this faux pas.</div></div>

snooks721

cajita-I think you misunderstood. I am not changing my mind about having her in my wedding party. I am changing my mind about the order I want my girls standing. Initially it was going to be her, then my Maid of Honor. But now I want my Maid of Honor next to me and then her second. Can I change my mind about the order when I told her awhile ago she would be next to me? It's not written in stone. But can I just change the order of how I want them to stand?