NEED advice! PLEASE help!

Raelyn820

M

AdeleDazeem

It doesn't matter whether you will meet him or not.  It is impolite to only invite one half of a couple.

Your MOH gets to bring her boyfriend.  Everyone gets to put their adult pants on that day and act civil.

If they can't do that, I'd be reconsidering friendships and maturity levels of all involved.

graysquirrel

I would let your MOH bring someone. If they've just broken up, that gives them both 6 months to heal before your wedding. That should be long enough for the ex boyfriend to relalize that she will date other men. And who knows, maybe she will not even be with this guy in 6 months. If you are extending plus ones to your WP, then it would be proper to do it for the entire WP.

Simply Fated

I know that she would bring her new bf if I did and purposely try to make her ex jealous.
Is she still in high school? If so, that statement would make sense.

Otherwise, she needs to grow up.

Your wedding is in June, according to your profile. That's 6 months away. For starters, you'll probably meet him by then.

Raelyn820

So what you're saying is that even if someone has been dating a month you automatically have to invite them. That sounds ridiculous to me. I would love to go by the more the merrier, but sometimes someone can only afford so much.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:78502eb2-046c-49a7-8c1d-916308fb6dbePost:c8f7ca19-ab7a-41c8-941c-23031a6dc271">Re: NEED advice! PLEASE help!</a>:
[QUOTE]No she isn't in highschool. In fact, she is a college graduate. And yeah we have six months but I live out of town, and I don't get to go home very often. So there is a very big chance I will not meet him.
Posted by Raelyn820[/QUOTE]


And if they're still together after six years, that's long- term for some people.

I get it, you don't want to hurt this groomsman's feelings. But by not inviting the boyfriend, you'll be hurting her feelings and there's a chance you'll be causing drama in their relationship.

hemansbrenda

"Actually, "and guest" is rude.  Etiquette dictates that you find out if the guest will be bringing someone, get their name and address, and send them a personal invitation."

This is not true.... if both guest are not invited separately then you do add "and Guest" writing both names mean both guest are invited no matter  what happens to a relationship.

For example: My boyfriend was invited to a wedding.. on the invitation I was an AND GUEST because without my boyfriend going I would not be invited. If they would have  put my name on the invite and my boyfriend and I broke up I could still go as an invited guest!

artbyallie

You don't get to judge how serious anyone else's relationship is. Anyone with a significant other of any kind should be invited together (which is not 'and guest' or '+1'--their name needs to be on the envelope) because they are a social unit. Doesn't matter if you've never met the SO. Find out their name and put it on their partner's invitation.

strlzfan11

 If the person in question considers themself to be in a relationship (doesn't matter if it's a week or ten years) when the invitations are issued their significant other needs to be invited.  The only people who do not need to be given a plus one are those who are  truly single.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:78502eb2-046c-49a7-8c1d-916308fb6dbePost:5d2ecdc8-ffe6-48f4-89f7-2c278c5f9ef0">Re: NEED advice! PLEASE help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So what you're saying is that even if someone has been dating a month you automatically have to invite them. That sounds ridiculous to me. I would love to go by the more the merrier, but <strong>sometimes someone can only afford so much.</strong>
Posted by Raelyn820[/QUOTE]

<div>Then you downscale your wedding/reception so that you can accomodate your guests properly, or you risk looking rude. I understand what you're saying, and a lot of people might agree with you, but it's not polite. Like PPs said, if someone considers themselves in a relationship with a person, not dating around, then you need to invite said SO. </div>

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:78502eb2-046c-49a7-8c1d-916308fb6dbePost:5d2ecdc8-ffe6-48f4-89f7-2c278c5f9ef0">Re: NEED advice! PLEASE help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So what you're saying is that even if someone has been dating a month you automatically have to invite them. That sounds ridiculous to me. I would love to go by the more the merrier, but sometimes someone can only afford so much.
Posted by Raelyn820[/QUOTE]

Yup, I am.

Weddings are expensive, I've planned one.  I get it.  But, expense isn't a good excuse to be rude.

hemansbrenda

I guess it depends on where you look because the places I have looked say that and guest is fine. We can agree to disagree.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:78502eb2-046c-49a7-8c1d-916308fb6dbePost:5114b618-ce99-4bb5-8c9c-e8e459b4b817">Re: NEED advice! PLEASE help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess it depends on where you look because the places I have looked say that and guest is fine. We can agree to disagree.
Posted by hemansbrenda[/QUOTE]

Where have you looked?

No respectable etiquette website or book advises that you should name the established SO as 'and guest'.  If someone is in a relationship then the SO needs to be named.  It's considered to be one of the ruder things to name the SO as 'and guest'.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:78502eb2-046c-49a7-8c1d-916308fb6dbePost:5114b618-ce99-4bb5-8c9c-e8e459b4b817">Re: NEED advice! PLEASE help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess it depends on where you look because the places I have looked say that and guest is fine. We can agree to disagree.
Posted by hemansbrenda[/QUOTE]

Please share your sources.

It may be common to write 'and guest' on invitations, but Retread is 100 per cent correct. All single, adult guests should receive their own invitations, addressed to them, with their proper names written on them.

Raelyn - If your friend is still with the new bf when it's time to send out those invitations, you should ask her, <strong>not her ex</strong>, if she would like you to invite him to the wedding.

hemansbrenda

I found this on THE KNOT! and Bridal Guide says that they are fine as well. They say that names are preferable but not needed!

To an Unmarried Couple Living Together

Like a married couple, both names should be included on the envelope, but in this case, each name gets its own line.

 

Mr. Joseph Hirsch
Ms. Rebecca Strecker
1234 Benoit Road
Plano, Texas 75023

Again, go for alphabetical order if you know the couple well. If you're primarily friends with only one member of the couple, it's completely acceptable to address the outer envelope to that person and include "and Guest" or that person's name on the inner envelope:

Mr. Hirsch and Ms. Strecker

Or

Mr. Hirsch and Guest

Read more: Wedding Invitations: Addressing Them - Wedding Planning - Wedding Invitations - TheKnot.com http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/addressing-wedding-invitations.aspx#ixzz1gFOpgfQ5

banana468

Well, you're right that it's there. But The Knot is completely wrong here (as they are on many matters of etiquette. ) Stick with Crane's, Miss Manners and E Post for more reputable sources.

MairePoppy

There it is!
I should have guessed that advice came from The Knot. They often ignore long held etiquette standards.

ameyer16

I think it is kind of rude not to give your guests the option of bringing someone to your wedding. Particularly your good friends that are in the wedding party. I've been a MOH and it's nice to have someone there JUST FOR YOU. Everyone else is there for the bride, but it's a lot of work being in the wedding too. Being single at a wedding can be a miserable experience in itself, but when you are surrounded by couples sitting by yourself or watching everyone else dance, it can be even worse.

Simply Fated

I have a question...

Say you really won't know who the guest's date will be when the invitations go out?
Like my bff. She isn't dating anyone seriously right now, but as a bridal party member, I'd want to give her the option to bring someone. If she doesn't know who will be attending with her at the time the invitations go out, is it okay to write "and guest"? Or is there a better way to phrase that? Maybe just her name and verbally tell her she can bring someone?
This is all hypothetical, I'm not engaged, just curious. I've always known "and guest" is a bad idea because that phrasing leaves you open for that person to bring anyone, even someone you purposely didn't invite, but I didn't know it was against etiquette.
How do you phrase the envelope if there is no way to know who the date will be?

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:78502eb2-046c-49a7-8c1d-916308fb6dbePost:a53252f2-05df-4c29-b7f3-9547ddc97cc6">Re: NEED advice! PLEASE help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a question... Say you really won't know who the guest's date will be when the invitations go out? Like my bff. She isn't dating anyone seriously right now, but as a bridal party member, I'd want to give her the option to bring someone. If she doesn't know who will be attending with her at the time the invitations go out, is it okay to write "and guest"? Or is there a better way to phrase that? Maybe just her name and verbally tell her she can bring someone? This is all hypothetical, I'm not engaged, just curious. I've always known "and guest" is a bad idea because that phrasing leaves you open for that person to bring anyone, even someone you purposely didn't invite, but I didn't know it was against etiquette. How do you phrase the envelope if there is no way to know who the date will be?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think Retread is saying you address one invitation to your BFF, and send the +1 a separate invitation when your BFF decides who she wants to bring. I think that is very nice and I guess if thats what etiquette says is correct then it's correct, but I also think it's a little impractical. What if your BFF doesn't have a date until 3 days before the RSVP deadline? </div><div>
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Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:78502eb2-046c-49a7-8c1d-916308fb6dbePost:425fb142-4457-49d3-8feb-3b09b4a0213d">Re: NEED advice! PLEASE help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NEED advice! PLEASE help! : I think Retread is saying you address one invitation to your BFF, and send the +1 a separate invitation when your BFF decides who she wants to bring. I think that is very nice and I guess if thats what etiquette says is correct then it's correct, but I also think it's a little impractical. <strong>What if your BFF doesn't have a date until 3 days before the RSVP deadline? </strong>
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]
That's what I was thinking, too!



On a sidenote... I wouldn't mind her doing that at all if it was someone I liked.
I mean, I could totally picture her calling her cousin up and being, like, "I hope you have a tux because you're going to SimplyFated's wedding with me tomorrow!" I wouldn't mind that at all, because I like her family. Or even a guy she just started dating that week I wouldn't mind.

But what if she brings a "mutual" friend that I purposely didn't invite? That would come across as awkward to me. I mean, if they were really dating, I'd have to let her bring him/her, but since they aren't, I'd rather not, which is why I'd really like to avoid the "and guest" wording.

Sorry for the ramblings. I'm not, like, writing up a guest list or anything, (still not engaged lol) but these are all things I just started thinking about while reading this thread. I like to be "in the know" with all things regarding proper etiquette. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />

Kate61487

ditto strlz.  You need to invite your MOHs bf. and everyone's bf/gf for that matter.  If the day your invitations go out your guest has someone that they call their boyfriend (whether you've met them or not, whether you like them or not, and whether they've been together for 2 weeks or 2 years) you invite them.  Saying you have to send them their own invitation is outdated (from the time when people only had written correspondence to rely on) but their name should be on the invitation.  Imagine if your FI received a wedding invitation the week before he proposed and you weren't invited b/c you weren't married, engaged, or living together.  Its not your place (or mine or anyone else's) to judge the seriousness of a relationship.

If you're offering a truly single guest the opportunity to bring a +1 "and guest" is fine.  But that means they get to bring whoever they want - you don't get to decide for them.  They should RSVP with their name and their date's.  If they rsvp for 2 but don't give you a name then you tell them you need to know by X date (for escort cards, etc.).  If they decide to bring a mutual friend you purposely didn't invite, too bad, you left it as an open invitation (though I'd hope your MOH would know why you didn't invite said friend, so hopefully that wouldn't happen).

MairePoppy

Simply Fated - Etiquette does not require that you extend a + 1 invitation to your guests. Couples are invited as a social unit. Casual dates do not fit into that category, that it why there is no good answer to the question.

If you want to extend the favor of a +1 to your friend, you could just tell her, I guess. From the prospective of the date (that she has just met), it would be strange to receive a wedding invitation from someone he doesn't know. It might even make the new man think that the friend is presumptuous in wanting to introduce him to her friends, already.

Maggie0829

I agree with everything Katie said.  She gave great advice.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:78502eb2-046c-49a7-8c1d-916308fb6dbePost:cde28166-8f25-44d3-8b11-bb83aa4eba53">NEED advice! PLEASE help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance and I have been trying to decide on the whole "and guest" thing. We know that we cannot let every person bring a guest. So <strong>we decided that obvisously if they are married, engaged, dating a LONG time</strong>, or if we are actually friends with the both of them. We also said that we will include our bridal party. Well, the sticky situation is..my fiance's best friend (the best man), and my best friend (the maid of honor) recently broke up. Now my maid of honor is dating someone new, that I have NEVER met. I don't want to make an akward situation for anyone <strong>so I was thinking about not having "and guest" included on her invite. :\ </strong>I know that she would bring her new bf if I did and purposely try to make her ex jealous. We already talked to the best man about him possibly not bringing a guest either and he was totally cool with it! He said he wouln't have anyway. I'm just torn because I do not want to make my best friend mad and think it's not fair to her. I mean, am I wrong for not wanting her new boyfriend at my wedding? I don't even know him and since he came into the picture me and her have been having some problems. HELP! <strong>How do I break it to her!?</strong>
Posted by Raelyn820[/QUOTE]

I posted this on the duplicate thread before I saw this one was already going, so I'll repost:

First of all, EVERYONE in a relationship should be invited with their SO's.  Your wedding is not the place to judge the validity of anyone's relationship, if they consider themselves in one, then so should you, regardless of the length of time they've been together.  My H and I started discussing marriage after only 4 months of dating and moved in together after only 7 months, so I would have been very offended to have not been invited together because someone decided some arbitrary cutoff and determined our relationship was not valid enough to be a social unit (I would not have attended the wedding and would possibly end the friendship). 

Second, your wedding party is likely spending quite a bit of money to be in your wedding.  The polite thing to do (especially since it appears your MOH will be travelling?) is to give them ALL a +1, whether they are in a relationship or not.

Lastly, this is your BEST FRIEND!  Why would you treat her this way just because she ended one relationship and began another?  Did you not date anyone before you met your FI?  I get that her ex is going to be there and all, but I'm assuming they are all adults, so I'm sure they'll be able to handle it.  So really, you don't need to break anything to her because you should be doing the mature thing and invite her new boyfriend.