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Potential bridesmaid said she needed to think about it...one month later...no response

My fiance and I are getting married on October 20, 2012. We started asking our attendants probably about two months ago. We're only having four on each side. I really wanted my future sister-in-law to be one of my maids (his only sister), but we weren't sure if she'd be up for it because of the financial strain. We had my future MIL test the waters and she seemed receptive. When I finally saw her in person to ask, she told me that she had to talk it over with her husband. I kind of thought she would known at that point what the answer was. I am trying to be understanding because she was pregnant at the time (just had her baby) so I know she is busy. The only problem is that I don't have a lot of girlfirends, and if she pulls out I may have trouble finding a replacement. She is the only person in our main party that we are waiting on, and I haven't been able to ask my personal attendant yet, because I may need her as a maid.

Is it rude of me to put a deadline on an answer? My fiance seems confident that she will say yes and I really want her to, but I am becoming weary that she will change her mind. If I have to ask someone else, I do't want them to know that they were a second choice. Has anyone else had any of these issues before?

Re: Potential bridesmaid said she needed to think about it...one month later...no response

  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_potential-bridesmaid-said-she-needed-think-itone-month-laterno-response?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7cedc7d9-6921-4a44-9ae9-f69c18f3213ePost:2c5d6455-c2f2-43e2-aba2-7a1d9e4a5fc7">Potential bridesmaid said she needed to think about it...one month later...no response</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I are getting married on October 20, 2012. We started asking our attendants probably about two months ago. We're only having four on each side. I really wanted my future sister-in-law to be one of my maids (his only sister), but we weren't sure if she'd be up for it because of the financial strain. We had my future MIL test the waters and she seemed receptive. When I finally saw her in person to ask, she told me that she had to talk it over with her husband. I kind of thought she would known at that point what the answer was. I am trying to be understanding because she was pregnant at the time (just had her baby) so I know she is busy. The only problem is that I don't have a lot of girlfirends, and if she pulls out I may have trouble <strong>finding a replacement.</strong> She is the only person in our main party that we are waiting on, and I haven't been able to ask my<strong> personal attendant yet, because I may need her as a maid. Is it rude of me to put a deadline on an answer?</strong> My fiance seems confident that she will say yes and I really want her to, but I am becoming weary that she will change her mind. If I have to ask someone else, <strong>I do't want them to know that they were a second choice.</strong> Has anyone else had any of these issues before?
    Posted by ameyer16[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It would not be rude of you to politely follow up. Maybe over the holidays some time, just ask her if she's had a chance to talk it over with her H. You do need to know at some point, but your BMs do not need to order dresses until probably April or maybe even next summer, so there is no rush yet. There is nothing for her or any of your other BMs to do at this point. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for the bolded parts, you should not worry about a replacement. Sides do not have to be even.It is ok for you to have one or two more attendants than your FI, or vice versa. </div><div>
    </div><div>I personally would ask the girl you are considering asking to be a PA to be a BM instead. PAs are not well received on these boards, as they are viewed as a job more than an honor. 

    </div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Ixnay on the idea of replacing and the personal attendant. 



  • Queen JaneQueen Jane member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If she just recently had her baby, your wedding is probably not what she is thinking about right now. If you see her over the holidays, I see nothing wrong with bringing it up at tbe appropriate time, but make sure to talk about what's going on in her life first. You have plenty of time, your wedding is still almost a year away.
  • kaitlyn&henrykaitlyn&henry member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    do not replace her...it will make the replacement feel like a replacement and make your fsil feel like shes replaceable
  • edited December 2011
    Well, thanks for the responses. I can't say that I agree with all of them, but I do appreciate the feedback. Since I posted my fiance did talk to her, and unfortunately it's gotten more complicated. She wants to "talk to the two of us before giving us her decision." We thought it was just about the finances, but apparently when he inquired further, it sounded more like a marital advice issue, which neither one of us is crazy about. From what it sounds like, she is going to say yes, but we just have to endure whatever preachy thing she wants to tell us first. I am going to proceed as planned on the basis that she will say yes. I was only thinking of asking someone else if she said no, not if she just took too long to decide. We can decide what to do next if she decides to decline.

    Also in my defense of asking a PA, I do feel kind of silly having someone do a "job" for me, but I wanted to include my friend in a way that wouldn't cost her a lot of money. She's a single mom and I don't think she'd be in to spending the money on all of the things that go into being a BM. We have a pretty honest relationship, so if she declines, there will be no hard feelings, and I will probably go without.
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