Moms and Maids

Not Speaking to Mother - need advice

while i am still a year out (and i'm sure most will probably think this will blow over) but i wanted some advice for the time being. my mom and i have a rocky relationship and sometimes its wonderful and other times we go weeks without speaking. Now is one of those times we are not speaking. The jist of it is she flipped out over a pizza and i ended up leaving her house (i live with my fiance in our own apt) because I couldn't stand hearing her scream and throw things. She's been verbally abusive to me and my sisters our entire life and I just don't feel at 26 years old I should have to sit there and witness it, especially when I no longer live there, so I left. Her take is that I should apologize because it was her birthday the day i just walked out, regardless of how she acted. I, on the other hand, have been the bigger person in the past when shes gotten herself involved in things that do not involve her and said I'm sorry even when shes repeatedly called me a fat, worthless, POS. I've never spoken to her or raised my voice at her EVER. So my question is, how do I handle this? Do I just keep not speaking to her? We are two of the same person: stubborn. I am going to look at dresses this week and my grandmother made me feel bad for not asking my mom, but why would I ask her after the way she has treated me? I am so hurt and have tried talking to her about this before and I honestly cannot tolerate it anymore. I think ahead also to when I will need the families addresses and I know she will be spiteful and not give them to me. She was the reason we booked the larger room at the hall because she wants everyone there and was willing to pay for those guests. Needless to say I doubt I will be getting any help (which is fine) but I am concerned about the address and the drama that will entail in the future....PLEASE HELP!
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Re: Not Speaking to Mother - need advice

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    An MOB, here, offering support. I have never called my children degrading names and there is no excuse for your mother to call you a POS or fat and worthless. She must be a very angry, bitter woman.

    It is good that you didn't engage in the argument. You walked out, which was the correct way of handling the situation. Give her some time to cool off. When you are able to talk to her, let her know that from now on, you will handle her anger by walking out or hanging up. Follow through. When your mom realizes that her anger is not getting her anywhere, she might change her strategy. She might decide to treat you with the respect you deserve.

    I realize you are in a tough spot, right now. Your mom expects an apology that she doesn't deserve. And if you don't invite her to go wedding dress shopping, she will probably retaliate, by not help financially with the wedding or giving you a guest list.Don't let her manipulate you. I would advise you to plan the wedding according to what you can afford. That way your mom won't be holding the purse strings. If that means cutting her guests, so be it.

    I hope Muffin's Mom will come along with some words of wisdom for you. She has been where you are, now. And she's a very smart lady.

    In the meantime, here's a mom hug (((slave4dance))) and good thoughts for you. Hang in there.





                       
  • edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.  You need to make rules and draw boundaries around yourself.  You need people in your life who are positive and encouraging.  You deserve that.  If your mother can't fill the bill on that, then limit her contact with you.  Don't share wedding plans with her, and don't count on her for support.  If you're paying, you have control over the guest list.

    It sounds truly like you need some counselling.  It can't have been easy to grow up hearing those negative things about yourself.  You have a right to make choices now about who deserves to be in your life.

    (hugs)
  • gottadance64gottadance64 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My mom was  like that growing up; and her mom was like that when she grew up. However, as I matured and realized it wasn't right, I began calling her out on these behaviors. That it's not Ok to talk like that to anyone, that i's not respectful. That she wouldn't talk to her friends or coworkers that way, so why would she talk to her own children that way - especially knowing how much it hurt her to have her mother talk to her that way.

    It was a long and drawn out learning for her; she kept trying to resist - it's easier to keep the old ways than to change. But now, she rarely if ever does anything like that. Our relationship is 100 percent better.

    I think the previous two have given very good advice. You deserve respect from everyone in your life - especially from your family members and even more so from your mom. Set boundaries. When you are ready to talk about this, just tell her that you love her and want her in your life but will not be yelled at, called names or disrespected.  Let her know she has anger management issues and may want to consider getting help for those.  She may get angry just at the fact that you're setting boundaries - or that you're telling her she needs help. You may want to talk to her a little deeper sometimes about how her parents talked to her. Often people parent what they learned. And if you can remind her what if felt like when her own parents treated her that way, it may set off a lightbulb about what she's doing to you.

    In the meantime, forge ahead with your wedding on your own terms, with or without her. You are going to be a married woman, with her own family. It's time to break away from unhealthy relationships and set boundaries.
    Daring to dream a bigger dream
  • edited December 2011
    ^^^this is good.  That's what I was trying to say^^^^
  • edited December 2011
    thanks so much everyone! i have always thought about counseling but just never really put myself up to do it. its fine that i wont be getting any financial support from her, i can save the money myself. its just sad that it had to come to this point. shes unhappy with herself and takes it out on others and no matter how many people tell her shes the one who needs help she just won't listen. i really appreciate everyone's advice :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    You need to give yourself the right not to be responsible for her or for her behavior.  Yes, it is sad.  You didn't create the situation, she did.  Best thing to do is look after yourself.  (hug again)
  • edited December 2011
    I think the important thing to realize here is-wedding or no wedding- you are approaching many big changes in your life, you are working on starting your own familly. I know you do not agree with the way your mother has been treating you, and while it is difficult to be firm with our parents, they are just like every other human being-creatures of habit. If we never tell people they are doing things in a manner we don't appreciate-how would they ever know to change? You are on the right track, I believe, to establishing some healthy boundaries for yourself (and your new family), just try to think rationally and not give in to the arguments your mother may try to start & be strong and you may even bridge the divide and have a better relationship by the time of your wedding. Make sure while you stand firm, that you reassure your mother that you love her & she is important to you & that is why you want to have a good, strong relationship with her and the only way to strengthen that bond is to be honest..she may be more willing to work with you if she knows this because it will minimize her feeling that she is being "attacked." Best of Luck, 
    Bobbi
  • edited December 2011
    i think this is good advice...and especially nice that it's coming from the mother's perspective.
    -Bobbi
  • edited December 2011
    I am so sorry that you are dealing with this while planning your future wedding.  Understand that hurt people hurt people.  If you can have empathy for your mom it might help you see her differently. It's not about who's right or wrong, who deserves what or doesn't...it's about how all of this makes you feel about yourself.  Ugly behavior from you toward her will only poison your other relationships. Being the bigger person or taking the high road can be tiring but you will always feel good about yourself and appreciate your reflection in the mirror. Definitely create clear boundaries maybe in a heart felt letter that explains how her actions make you feel, no one can argue your feelings, they aren't right or wrong, they are yours.  Tell her that you love her and want to have a wonderful relationship with her, including her in your life....but as adults some changes need to take place understanding it will take time to establish new healthy patterns.  You can apologize for walking out on her birthday, if it hurt her, then you are truly sorry for that.  However, you have come to a place where you will no longer accept the hurtful behavior from her and want to work on creating a healthy relationship with her, one of mutual respect and love.  She will be the future grandmother to your children...if you get together and she starts in again, take a deep breath and ask her mom what is this really about?  If she begins yelling or throwing things, calmly tell her, mom your'e doing it again, I'm going to leave, I love you, but I am standing up for myself and when she is ready to try again to get in touch with you.  It sounds like your Dad isn't in the picture....sometimes someone else's happiness points out their own unhappiness and causes her to throw a tantrum like a hurt child.  I think everyone  can benefit from counseling and can use someone else's objective behavior that isn't too close to the situation.  Your local church may have family counseling available to you. I know that my faith has held me together during the most difficult storms of life.  I will pray for you and your mom....hopefully healing and restoration can take place soon God bless, Mommabear.
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