Moms and Maids

I need opinions on a really sticky family situation... HELP! *LONG POST*

So my fiancee and I got engaged recently (YAY!!) and we also recently repaired a really bad situation with his mother.  Now that we are engaged  my future MIL has attacked my character, my upbringing, my education, basically said that I am the slime of the earth.  Now mind you, iI swallowed a lot of pride and forgave a lot of really mean things she said about me to make things good, and I don't really know if I have it in me to do it again.  (Added Insult: She is Haitian and will speak kreol about me in front of me--I am white-- just to be rude)

So there is sticky situaiton #1... #2 is His sister has been spreading rumors like we are pregnant and I am trying to keep him away from his family and so we took a breather from things with her.  We are trying to get a picture of what our party will look like, and we really want his nephew (mean sisters son) to be our ring "security" (bearer).  We called up and asked her.  She said yes, but she also invited herself to be a bridesmaid.  I already have 2 MOH and 3 bridesmaids, and I really don't want her in my party.  But.... a part of me wants to try to use this as an opportunity to mend things and let her in... I don't know what to do, because I don't want any drama.  I was thinking about coming up with something else for her to do in the wedding that would make her feel included, but not be in my party, but I don't know what that would be....

AHHH!!! Opinions Welcome!!

Re: I need opinions on a really sticky family situation... HELP! *LONG POST*

  • There is nothing you can do to make FMIL happy. Let your FI deal with her, and just ignore her venom.

    Your wedding party are the people you want beside you on that day. People don't get to invite themselves into that position. If you let FSIL be a maid, she'll find a way to create drama. If you say no, she'll find a way to create drama. There is nothing you can do to avoid drama when dealing with people like your FSIL. So you have to decide which bad option is the lesser of the evils, or pick something entirely different.

    What about making her a groomswoman and letting her stand on your FI's side?
    What about having her escorted in after the parents, maybe with a small corsage or whatever you're doing?

    Other than that, I wouldn't have her doing a reading, or making a toast, or any of the other "jobs" people typically hand out at weddings. I wouldn't want to hand her the chance to introduce the negativity that might spew if she doesn't get her way.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    What was your response when she volunteered to be a bm? If you've already told her yes, then you're probably stuck with her.

    I like the idea of fi asking her to stand on his side. It sounds like an ideal solution. She is included in the wedding party, but not your side. She could wear a dress, similar to the bms or she could match the gm.

    Your fi should be dealing with his family's negative, racist attitude toward you. He should tell them that the two of you are a package deal and unless they treat you with respect, they will not be seeing either of you. There should be a zero tolerance level for this type of behaviour. Imagine, if this is hurtful to you, how it might affect any children you might have.

    I'm curious. How old is the nephew and what do you mean by 'security'?
                       
  • Where is your FI while all of this is happening? When your FMIL and FSIL are doing these things he should be standing up for you. If he's not there for you then you have bigger problems then figuring out your WP.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_i-need-opinions-on-a-really-sticky-family-situation-help-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8cc17c9d-322e-46f6-9a52-01859ca6c950Post:1ee13274-2ea3-43a1-af03-08d755b27c09">I need opinions on a really sticky family situation... HELP! *LONG POST*</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my fiancee and I got engaged recently (YAY!!) and we also recently repaired a really bad situation with his mother.  Now that we are engaged  my future MIL has attacked my character, my upbringing, my education, basically said that I am the slime of the earth.  Now mind you, iI swallowed a lot of pride and forgave a lot of really mean things she said about me to make things good, and I don't really know if I have it in me to do it again.  (Added Insult: She is Haitian and will speak kreol about me in front of me--I am white-- just to be rude) So there is sticky situaiton #1... #2 is His sister has been spreading rumors like we are pregnant and I am trying to keep him away from his family and so we took a breather from things with her.  We are trying to get a picture of what our party will look like, and we really want his nephew (mean sisters son) to be our ring "security" (bearer).  We called up and asked her.  She said yes, but she also invited herself to be a bridesmaid.  I already have 2 MOH and 3 bridesmaids, and I really don't want her in my party.  But.... a part of me wants to try to use this as an opportunity to mend things and let her in... I don't know what to do, because I don't want any drama.  I was thinking about coming up with something else for her to do in the wedding that would make her feel included, but not be in my party, but I don't know what that would be.... AHHH!!! Opinions Welcome!!
    Posted by BustedBeauty[/QUOTE]

    I have to know where your FI is in all of this.
  • Well all of the verbal assults are to him, when they think I can't hear them, and rarely to  my face.  The nephew is 3, so he will be 5 when he is our ring "security".  My FI is really fed up with it all, but doesn't know how to stand up to it because it is how he was raised.  Any time he tries to stand up for me, it turns into a massive yelling match and fouls the mood for a long time.  I really hate to cut ties with family, because I am sooo close to mine. 

    He just deals with it, and waits until it blows over.  His mother is just happy being unhappy and there is nothing we can do about it.  I just want to keep the peace until after the wedding, and then deal with their roles in our lives at that point. 

    Thanks for the good ideas and support you guys, it's so great to have the emotional backup so I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable not wanting her in my party.  I didn't say yes to her, and I don't have to.

    Thanks a million!
  • An Update:
    We went and spoke with his mother after a month of the horrible treatment and presented a united front.  She stopped talking to us all together, then all of a sudden she started to talk to FI again.  She is getting over herself and I think has made a realization that despite her best temper tantrum he and I are in it for the long haul <3
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