Moms and Maids

Mother of the Bride

Ok so I'm the soon-to-be Bride and well I have a dilemma. I'm having a hard time with my mother. She doesn't seem to want to help me out with this wedding what so ever. For Example: I tell her that I have been thinking about what she said about renting a dress but I'm not going to rent. I'm not even going to David's Bridal. Then all of a sudden she starts laughing and says davids bridal. And I'm like sometimes they have good deals on the website and she starts laughing again. I haven't even said everything and she still walks away from me. :(  Shes not like everyone elses mom who will help you out or is all lovey. In fact I know she hates lovey stuff, but even if she does why wont she help me? My MOH is 2-3 countys away (almost 1 hr) and She and I can't afford to go back and forth. I was recently layed off, but thats a whole different dilemma. Yes I have no money right now but we can look online and say oh thats a good idea or thats cute. Oh and My fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. My fiance is in the Navy so he will be getting his bonus and we can use some of that money towards the wedding. Its defentally a DIY wedding and My moms creative but she doesn't seem like she wants to help at all. It honestly makes me really sad, because this is a moment in a girls like that she gets to spend with her Mother and mine doesn't want to participate in it. 

P.S. She has talked about it but every blue moon and I don't mean once a month. Less then that. She tells us to elope or rent a dress online, or she will pay a little bit for the honey moon. I told her once that I as Thinking of 3 Bridesmaids and she flips out saying thats a HUGE wedding. O.o IDK anymore. 

I'm not trying to rant so don't get me wrong, but she is so hard to figure out. 

Re: Mother of the Bride

  • Well I know her wedding was in a small church and she borrowed her wedding dress and she had one brides maid (her maid of honor). Everyone wants us to have a small wedding but I would personally like a medium. However we don't have the money for that and I'm slowly but surely down gradeing it. But thats why the DIY comes in because I can make stuff that looks professional but at a fraction of retail cost. Most of it anyway. 
    I might even make my dress, or buy a corset and skirt that would look good together. I'm not possitive at the moment however. She didn't even seem to even want to know what cheap way I wanted my dress. Shes too focused on her internet life with Yoville. :( 
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Not everyone is a wedding planner type person, and that includes mothers.  If you need more help, try turning to your fiance.  It's his wedding too.



  • I agree with all PPs. Is your mother generally into thing tlike this? Either way, lower your expectations of her and you'll all be happier. 
  • I agree with PPs- it doesn't sound like she's hard to figure out at all, actually- it sounds like she's pretty consistent.  She's not into weddings, "lovey" stuff, or anything like that at all.  And it sounds like she's always been like that, just a part of whom she is.

    That all said, while I think it's unrealistic to expect her to help you out with your wedding - it's not her job, it's yours, and she's uninterested - it doesn't make it ok for her to be mean to you or laugh at your ideas.  But that's something that has to be addressed seperately from your concerns about her interest in the wedding; that's just a healthy communication thing. 

    The "internet life playing Yoville" thing would worry me a bit too- you sometimes see people get absorbed in the internet at the expense of the world around them when they're depressed or otherwise dissatisfied with their lives- how's her mental health otherwise?  Is it, say, possible she's depressed and having trouble connecting with you as a result?  Is this new behavior for her?
  • Is there someone else you could turn to such as an aunt who lives close by? I do understand how hard it must be to do this all on your own. Do your FILS live nearby? I'm sorry your mother is not even taking the time to listen to your ideas. You need to stop trying to involve your mother because it only hurts you more.
    Best of luck to you!

  • Callipeia2013, I messaged you. Rather not have all of this posted for everyone and the internet to see. You know? 
  • I logged on today to see if anyone else has been having as much difficulty with their mother as I've been having with mine.  I've had so much trouble with my mother for so many years and it feels like it's all culminating around this wedding.  

    My fiance and I are not having an outrageous wedding -- maybe 80 or 90 people -- I would say it's an average wedding.  It's not totally DIY, but it's also not at all extravagant.  My mother has just been horrible to me about it from the start.  She thinks any wedding is a waste of money.  She reiterates (again and again) that she had 28 people and an accordian player at her wedding.  She is absolutely entitled to her opinion.  But I really wish she wouldn't throw it at me so hard.  

    At first she said she would willingly contribute financially.  Now she seems resentful and angry about giving me money.  This is my second wedding.  The first wedding (when I was 25 and broke) she gave a very small amount and spent 2 months fighting with me, telling me I was too young to get married.  I really don't mean to sound ungrateful.  Giving money is always something to show gratitude for.  But I just cannot stress how painful it felt for her to give it to me, and how angry she seemed about the whole thing.  

    I'm 35 now and have some savings.  I just want a "normal" wedding.  I wore pants and a sweater and got married in a judge's chambers the first time.  Which is absolutely fine if that's what you want.  But I felt so powerless the first time around.  I didn't have any money, and wasn't asking for anything extravagant -- small pot-luck at a friend's house -- but my mother somehow took it away from me.
       
    I don't want it to happen again.  My father has been dead for more than 20 years.  After a terrible experience with her yesterday -- we were at brunch and when I went to the bathroom, she asked my fiance (who's 32) "So, how does it feel to be marrying an older woman?" -- with her also complaining about how expensive the wedding it, I'm ready to cut her out.  I don't want her money.  I don't want her to even come to the wedding.  

    I don't mean to sound horrible, but what I really wish is that she wouldn't come.  I wish there were a socially acceptable way to not invite my mother.  She's truly the only thing I'm worried about for the wedding day -- her acting crazy and being mean.  My brother got married a couple years ago and his wife's family paid for the wedding.  My mother paid for the rehersal dinner. She was so mean to my brother the day after his weddng (criticized the DJ & the reception) that my very reserved, very calm brother got so angry and upset that he told her to F-off.  

    Since I got engaged, I've said to my mother that I wish for this to be a reparative experience for us.  She has verbally agreed.  But then continues to act crazy.  I don't believe she's doing it "on purpose," I believe she's overwhelmed with feelings that she doesn't understand and can't identify.  

    So I feel really stuck.  And today, really sad and hopeless.



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