BM problems

mewemhaner91

So, my MOH has mentioned a couple things about a wedding shower to me such as where I want to have it and if I want a theme. This was over a month ago. My wedding is in a little over two months and she has nothing planned. I don't want to push it because I don't want to make her feel obligated although, I would be very disappointed if I do not have a wedding shower. My mom has asked me a few times this week if I have talked to my MOH about it. My mom said she would through one but it's not "kosher". I feel alot of pressure but I don't know what to do??

Another thing is, one of my bridesmaids has been a bridesmaid before and she knows the routine and responsibilities. Actually, she is the only one who has done this before so I have kind been thankful that she has brought some stuff up to the others that they didn't know about that I don't want to mention because I don't want to be a "bridezilla". This morning her mother passed away and I cannot rely on her to help me with my wedding or help my other girls to understand their responsibilites during this hardship. How do I let the others know I need help without being a bridezilla????

Catwoman708

I'm sorry to inform you, but the only true "responsibility" of being a bridesmaid is to show up for the event you have planned (the rehearsal and wedding), properly attired, and to pose for a few picutres. 

While it is  somewhat customary for those closest to the bride to throw a shower and maybe a bachelorette, it is in no way required of them.  It cost money and takes some time to throw a shower,which is a gift.  It's poor manners to expect others to give you a gift or throw you a shower. 

I know it's disappointing, we all understand that.  But if no one offers, then you don't get a shower, it's not the end of the world. If anyone asks about a shower, like your  mom, just tell her that nothing has been planned that  you know of. 

In general it's somewhat unmannerly for immediate family to throw a shower, but customary in some circles.  It's not such a huge faux pas if your mother throws you a shower.  Perhaps she could enlist the help of an aunt or cousin to be the official hostess, in name only, to make it seem more mannerly.

MairePoppy

Anyone, but the bride and groom, can throw a shower. Where I live, it is not uncommon for the MOB, MOG or both to help out or even host the shower.

The MOH and bms are not obligated to do anything but buy the dress, show up on time for the wedding, and have good will toward the bride and groom. But in your case your MOH has mentioned that she would be interested in throwing a shower, right? Maybe she doesn't know where to start or she is worried about the cost. Your mom is willing to cover the cost, but feels it isn't proper for her to host. Is there a way for you to tactfully let your MOH know that without pressuring her?

mgietler76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9fab9af5-ab20-4b32-a04c-b904be04deb8Post:336f0732-f70e-4e27-9723-3dcc1bc76448">BM problems</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my MOH has mentioned a couple things about a wedding shower to me such as where I want to have it and if I want a theme. This was over a month ago. My wedding is in a little over two months and she has nothing planned. I don't want to push it because I don't want to make her feel obligated although, I would be very disappointed if I do not have a wedding shower. My mom has asked me a few times this week if I have talked to my MOH about it. My mom said she would through one but it's not "kosher". I feel alot of pressure but I don't know what to do?? Another thing is, one of my bridesmaids has been a bridesmaid before and she knows the routine and responsibilities. Actually, she is the only one who has done this before so I have kind been thankful that she has brought some stuff up to the others that they didn't know about that I don't want to mention because I don't want to be a "bridezilla". <strong>This morning her mother passed away and I cannot rely on her to help me with my wedding or help my other girls to understand their responsibilites during this hardship.How do I let the others know I need help without being a bridezilla????
</strong>Posted by mewemhaner91[/QUOTE]

This is the only part I'm responding to. I think it is a terrible and selfish additude to have when a close friend has just lost her mother.

Right now you need to be there for your friend in her time of deep grief and mourning and stop worrying about your wedding and shower.

I don't understand what you need help with? A shower is something that someone offers to throw for you, not a requirement of these pre-conceived "duties" If your mom wants to throw you one, than she can go ahead. You need to help your friend right now, not the other way around.

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9fab9af5-ab20-4b32-a04c-b904be04deb8Post:336f0732-f70e-4e27-9723-3dcc1bc76448">BM problems</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my MOH has mentioned a couple things about a wedding shower to me such as where I want to have it and if I want a theme. This was over a month ago. My wedding is in a little over two months and she has nothing planned. I don't want to push it because I don't want to make her feel obligated although, I would be very disappointed if I do not have a wedding shower. My mom has asked me a few times this week if I have talked to my MOH about it. My mom said she would through one but it's not "kosher". I feel alot of pressure but I don't know what to do??<strong> Another thing is, one of my bridesmaids has been a bridesmaid before and she knows the routine and responsibilities.</strong> Actually, she is the only one who has done this before so I have kind been thankful that she has brought some stuff up to the others that they didn't know about that I don't want to mention because I don't want to be a "bridezilla". This morning her mother passed away and I cannot rely on her to help me with my wedding or help my other girls to understand their responsibilites during this hardship. How do I let the others know I need help without being a bridezilla????
Posted by mewemhaner91[/QUOTE]

You lost me here.  Ok, I admit to reading further...  Your friend's mother passed away - your wedding is low priority for her, as it should be.  As pp stated - focus on being her friend and there for her.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9fab9af5-ab20-4b32-a04c-b904be04deb8Post:336f0732-f70e-4e27-9723-3dcc1bc76448">BM problems</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my MOH has mentioned a couple things about a wedding shower to me such as where I want to have it and if I want a theme. This was over a month ago. My wedding is in a little over two months and she has nothing planned.<strong> I don't want to push it because I don't want to make her feel obligated although, I would be very disappointed if I do not have a wedding shower. </strong>My mom has asked me a few times this week if I have talked to my MOH about it. My mom said she would through one but it's not "kosher". I feel alot of pressure but I don't know what to do?? Another thing is, one of my bridesmaids has been a bridesmaid before and she knows the routine and responsibilities. Actually, she is the only one who has done this before so I have kind been thankful that she has brought some stuff up to the others that they didn't know about that I don't want to mention because I don't want to be a "bridezilla". <strong>This morning her mother passed away and I cannot rely on her to help me with my wedding or help my other girls to understand their responsibilites during this hardship. How do I let the others know I need help without being a bridezilla????</strong>
Posted by mewemhaner91[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Do not force the bridal shower issue. If you get one, you get one, if you don't, you don't. You can be bummed but you need to get over it because all pre-wedding parties are optional.</div><div>
</div><div>The other bold I'm going to tell you, it makes you look REALLY bad. Your friend's mother just DIED. Seriously, stop worrying about your wedding and someone to plan it (which no one but you and your FI are responsible for) and CARE FOR YOUR FRIEND! When my BFF was getting married her MOH's dad died unexpectedly. Did my friend worry about her wedding? NO! She was concern about her friend and the loss of her dad. Seriously, stop worrying about who is going to make your BM's do stuff (and they do not have to do stuff besides getting their dress) and tend to your friend. Being a friend is a two way street and this friend that has helped you out with wedding stuff needs someone and all you can do is worry about your wedding? Take a hard look at yourself and you thinking process because it is totally wrong. You need to be a friend right now, not a selfish person who needs someone to tell your friends to do stuff for your wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm sorry that this is a blunt response but you need a wake up call about how poorly you are currently treating your friends and how skewed your priorities are right now. 

</div>

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9fab9af5-ab20-4b32-a04c-b904be04deb8Post:336f0732-f70e-4e27-9723-3dcc1bc76448">BM problems</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my MOH has mentioned a couple things about a wedding shower to me such as where I want to have it and if I want a theme. This was over a month ago. My wedding is in a little over two months and she has nothing planned. I don't want to push it because I don't want to make her feel obligated although, I would be very disappointed if I do not have a wedding shower. My mom has asked me a few times this week if I have talked to my MOH about it. My mom said she would through one but it's not "kosher". I feel alot of pressure but I don't know what to do?? Another thing is, one of my bridesmaids has been a bridesmaid before and she knows the routine and responsibilities. Actually, she is the only one who has done this before so I have kind been thankful that she has brought some stuff up to the others that they didn't know about that I don't want to mention because I don't want to be a "bridezilla". <strong>This morning her mother passed away and I cannot rely on her to help me with my wedding or help my other girls to understand their responsibilites during this hardship. How do I let the others know I need help without being a bridezilla????</strong>
Posted by mewemhaner91[/QUOTE]

Please tell me that this is MUD and you are truly not this insensitive.

garcias1

Ditto PPs.  A shower is not a right, it's a gift from a friend or family member.  If you mom wants to throw you one, but thinks it's poor etiquette, you can mention that you think it would be fine for her to do that.  Otherwise, you might be out of luck if your BM doesn't follow through.

My advice is to worry about your friend who just lost her mother, not anything else.  If I were you, I would be more concerned about my friend than whether or not I get a shower.  If the shower comes, it's a nice surprise, but I wouldn't want to look back on this time and be sorry that I dismissed my friend's feelings in her time of need.

aerinpegadrak

If you need help, hire someone.  Your wedding is not a time of need when you need support.  Losing your mother IS a time of need when you need support.  Show a little basic humanity to this poor girl.

zitiqueen

I love how her mother hasn't even been dead for 12 hours and your only concern is who's going to be provide you with free slave labor for your wedding.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9fab9af5-ab20-4b32-a04c-b904be04deb8Post:336f0732-f70e-4e27-9723-3dcc1bc76448">BM problems</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my MOH has mentioned a couple things about a wedding shower to me such as where I want to have it and if I want a theme. This was over a month ago. My wedding is in a little over two months and she has nothing planned. I don't want to push it because I don't want to make her feel obligated although, I would be very disappointed if I do not have a wedding shower. My mom has asked me a few times this week if I have talked to my MOH about it. My mom said she would through one but it's not "kosher". I feel alot of pressure but I don't know what to do?? Another thing is, one of my bridesmaids has been a bridesmaid before and she knows the routine and responsibilities. Actually, she is the only one who has done this before so I have kind been thankful that she has brought some stuff up to the others that they didn't know about that I don't want to mention because I don't want to be a "bridezilla". <strong>This morning her mother passed away</strong> and I cannot rely on her to help me with my wedding or help my other girls to understand their responsibilites during this hardship. How do I let the others know I need help without being a bridezilla????
Posted by mewemhaner91[/QUOTE]

Please be MUD.  In case it's not, you're going to need to have a look at your priorities here.  Your (presumably) good friends MOTHER just DIED.  That's the actual important thing here.  The world does not revolve around you because you have a ring on your finger.

WP duties and responsibilities are optional only.  You'll get a shower if you're given the gift of one by your WP or family.  It is not a right.

Wow.

hlq2011

I lost my father this year and people in my life were kind enough to step in to help take the burden off me.  My FSIL cancelled dress appointments I'd made for myself, things that had nothing to do with her at all. That your friend has just lost her mother and your concern is for who's going to help you out since she can't, rather than simply FOR HER in this difficult time makes me ill.

You plan your wedding.  If your mom wants to host your shower, let her.  And for God's sake, be there for the woman you're close enough to, to have made her your maid of honor.

RebeccaB88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9fab9af5-ab20-4b32-a04c-b904be04deb8Post:336f0732-f70e-4e27-9723-3dcc1bc76448">BM problems</a>:
[QUOTE] This morning her mother passed away and I cannot rely on her to help me with my wedding or help my other girls to understand their responsibilites during this hardship. How do I let the others know I need help without being a bridezilla????
Posted by mewemhaner91[/QUOTE]

Honey, her MOTHER just DIED, and you're whining about not getting a shower and why she won't be there for YOU?  Please tell me you aren't really that self-absorbed.

Honestly, if I were your BM, I would be telling you and your precious wedding to eff the hell off and get out of my life. 

If you need help, hire a wedding coordinator.  If you need support (why, I don't know), you have a FI who should be doing that.  BM's are only required to get the dress, show up for the wedding, and smile for the pictures.  Anything else is a gift. 

You are beyond words.

marinabreeze

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[QUOTE]So, my MOH has mentioned a couple things about a wedding shower to me such as where I want to have it and if I want a theme. This was over a month ago. My wedding is in a little over two months and she has nothing planned. I don't want to push it because I don't want to make her feel obligated although, I would be very disappointed if I do not have a wedding shower. My mom has asked me a few times this week if I have talked to my MOH about it. My mom said she would through one but it's not "kosher". I feel alot of pressure but I don't know what to do?? Another thing is, one of my bridesmaids has been a bridesmaid before and she knows the routine and responsibilities. Actually, she is the only one who has done this before so I have kind been thankful that she has brought some stuff up to the others that they didn't know about that I don't want to mention because I don't want to be a "bridezilla". <strong>This morning her mother passed away and I cannot rely on her to help me with my wedding or help my other girls to understand their responsibilites during this hardship. </strong>How do I let the others know I need help without being a bridezilla????
Posted by mewemhaner91[/QUOTE]

Wow.  Just wow. 

I was totally with you until the bolded sentence. Your friend's mother passed away less than 24 hours ago, and the first thing you're thinking is (paraphrasing) "omg I don't have an overseer to keep my BMs in line."  Really?

There is nothing like losing a parent.  There may be things that are worse (I'm guessing like losing a child or maybe even a spouse, but I've never had either of those things happen to me so I don't know).  But I know from firsthand experience that losing a parent belongs in its own category.  I lost my dad four years ago, and I remember how my friends rallied around me and supported me through one of the most difficult times in my life.  That is the ultimate in self-centered that your friend just lost her parent and the first thing you think of is how this will affect you. 

bAEbling

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9fab9af5-ab20-4b32-a04c-b904be04deb8Post:336f0732-f70e-4e27-9723-3dcc1bc76448">BM problems</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my MOH has mentioned a couple things about a wedding shower to me such as where I want to have it and if I want a theme. This was over a month ago. My wedding is in a little over two months and she has nothing planned. I don't want to push it because I don't want to make her feel obligated although, I would be very disappointed if I do not have a wedding shower. My mom has asked me a few times this week if I have talked to my MOH about it. My mom said she would through one but it's not "kosher". I feel alot of pressure but I don't know what to do?? Another thing is, one of my bridesmaids has been a bridesmaid before and she knows the routine and responsibilities. Actually, she is the only one who has done this before so I have kind been thankful that she has brought some stuff up to the others that they didn't know about that I don't want to mention because I don't want to be a "bridezilla". <strong>This morning her mother passed away and I cannot rely on her to help me with my wedding or help my other girls to understand their responsibilites during this hardship. How do I let the others know I need help without being a bridezilla????</strong>
Posted by mewemhaner91[/QUOTE]
You are a horrible human being.

vicki0508

Are you BMs good friends with your MOH?  If so, don't expect them to be gearing up for your shower.  Hopefully, they are better friends than you are and they are more concerned about the girl who just lost her mother, and your shower is the furthest thing from their minds.

lalap69

Dude, your friend's mother just DIED and your concern is what parties people will throw for you.

You're way past bridezilla.

Manwaithiel

Yeah, I'm glad that your first concern in light of a friend's mother's death is your wedding. Very good. It shouldn't even be you last concern. It should be a non-existent concern.

Don't you come back with "I'M NOT A BAD FRIEND!" because you are wrong for even THINKING about your wedding in light of all this.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-problems-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9fab9af5-ab20-4b32-a04c-b904be04deb8Post:336f0732-f70e-4e27-9723-3dcc1bc76448">BM problems</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my MOH has mentioned a couple things about a wedding shower to me such as where I want to have it and if I want a theme. This was over a month ago. My wedding is in a little over two months and she has nothing planned. I don't want to push it because I don't want to make her feel obligated although, I would be very disappointed if I do not have a wedding shower. My mom has asked me a few times this week if I have talked to my MOH about it. My mom said she would through one but it's not "kosher". I feel alot of pressure but I don't know what to do?? Another thing is, one of my bridesmaids has been a bridesmaid before and she knows the routine and responsibilities. Actually, she is the only one who has done this before so I have kind been thankful that she has brought some stuff up to the others that they didn't know about that I don't want to mention because I don't want to be a "bridezilla". <strong>This morning her mother passed away and I cannot rely on her to help me with my wedding or help my other girls to understand their responsibilites during this hardship. How do I let the others know I need help without being a bridezilla????
</strong>Posted by mewemhaner91[/QUOTE]

Who in hell is so damn selfish and self centered that when herfriend's mother dies, the only thing she can think of is "well now who is going to plan my shower because you're useless right now?!?!?"  Oh.  You.  Everyone is right.  You are just a horrible person.

DH lost his mother ten years ago and told me it was a good thing I didn't know him then because he was a mess and is lucky his friends understood instead of walking out on their friendships.  It took him about a year to be able to function again.

frogurt814

Disgusting.

trix1223

Please don't let this be real.  Please, please, please don't let this be real.  Please.  Please.

andrea2473

Your friends mom died??? Oh my God, I am So sorry!  That must be so hard for your dear friend right now.  I hope you deal with this as much class as possible.