Moms and Maids

Need to vent BM/Sister being nasty

Hi Everyone- I lurk these boards once in a while, but rarely post. My wedding is at the end of August in the state I grew up in. I recently moved away and took a new job so that I could be with my fiancee (or however it is spelled). 
Anyway, my sisters are my MOH and BM (and my cousin is a BM too). My mother asked me to include my sisters and because of the culture I come from I had to do it. I do not have a strong relationship with either one of them, but am VERY close with my cousin. 
So my MOH sister lives on the other side of the country and cannot do any thing for my bachelorette party. She called my cousin and emailed my BF and asked them to do it. On Monday I picked a date and asked my BF to send an email out to everyone with a save the date and tentative location. Well.... my other sister was furious and sent me a nasty email asking me why she wasn't involved and that the date I picked is the date she was throwing herself a BDay party and that she can't afford to go to the location that I chose, she was never consulted when she should have been, etc... you get the point. She sent this email to my best friend and me. Very hurtful, rude, and nasty calling us names, etc. She ended the email by saying she wants nothing to do with the wedding, me, or any of the parties and that she will no longer ba a BM (my MOH sis dropped out once too because I didn't consult her on the wedding colors- don't ask). I have no idea what to do here. I feel that she attacked us and has now excluded herself completely. I think she could have handled the situation differently and it could have had a different outcome. 
Honestly though, I don't care who comes to what and what they want. I really just don't want the drama but my mother keeps calling me upset and telling me to fix it (I can't change the date, I travel for work and that was the only weekend in July/beginning of August I am not travelling). Any advice, suggestions? Was I really inconsiderate by just picking the date and location that worked best for me? BTW-I work a full-time job (50+ hours a week) and we just moved in to our new home a few weeks ago- there are just so many things on my plate that I don't need/want this kind of added stress. I wish we just eloped!

Re: Need to vent BM/Sister being nasty

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ideally, your cousin and BF would have consulted with everyone before a date was narrowed down.  That didn't happen, so there is nothing you can do about that now.  Did you try to explain to your sister why this date was chosen?  Not all BP members need to attend pre-wedding parties.  Your sister did over react.  I would just let things calm down and wait a week or so before reapproaching your sister.  Tell her you would be honored to have her stand up for you on your wedding day and hope she has reconsidered dropping out.  Call her, don't email or text this to her.

    As for your mom, tell her to stop calling you and requesting you fix things.  Siblings don't always get along in families and that's ok.  But sometimes its hard for the parents to see that.  Tell your mom that you are all adults and that it is not her job anymore to make sure her children all get along perfectly.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-to-vent-bmsister-being-nasty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a21081c8-8b0e-45f5-bbcd-37ea27cdacccPost:9b62b3e6-4eac-4916-b4d1-97ab3d97fdd6">Re: Need to vent BM/Sister being nasty</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ideally, your cousin and BF would have consulted with everyone before a date was narrowed down.  That didn't happen, so there is nothing you can do about that now.  Did you try to explain to your sister why this date was chosen?  Not all BP members need to attend pre-wedding parties.  Your sister did over react.  I would just let things calm down and wait a week or so before reapproaching your sister.  Tell her you would be honored to have her stand up for you on your wedding day and hope she has reconsidered dropping out.  Call her, don't email or text this to her. As for your mom, tell her to stop calling you and requesting you fix things.  Siblings don't always get along in families and that's ok.  But sometimes its hard for the parents to see that.  Tell your mom that you are all adults and that it is not her job anymore to make sure her children all get along perfectly.
    Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

    I think this is exactly right.  Exactly.

    Btw, OP, I usually don't make spelling/grammar comments, but since you asked, it's fiance if you're marrying a man, and fiancee if you're marrying a woman.
  • As far as helping to plan your own bachelorette party, you really shouldn't be doing that. Where it is, when it is, what you are doing should be planned by BM's/ friends. It is a gift, and it's their choice to have one for you. Of course if they ask, you can let them know what you like, but generally, these are not your decisions.
    What's done is done though, and it wasn't mature for her to respond to you like that. I would try to talk to her and explain that it isn't worth fighting and being upset over, and that you hope she will still be in the wedding party with you on your big day.
    Good luck!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker image 95 Invited
    image 70 Are ready to party!
    image 10 Will be missing out!
    image 15 Are MIA!
  • edited May 2012
    It is your wedding and the only people you need to please are yourself and your fiance.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-to-vent-bmsister-being-nasty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a21081c8-8b0e-45f5-bbcd-37ea27cdacccPost:5ab4cc5d-862e-4359-94f4-dde32ed8beab">Re: Need to vent BM/Sister being nasty</a>:
    [QUOTE]It is your wedding and the only people you need to please are yourself and your fiance.
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    This is only true if the bride and groom were the only one's to attend their wedding.  When you start including other people their feelings need to be taken into account.

  • edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-to-vent-bmsister-being-nasty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a21081c8-8b0e-45f5-bbcd-37ea27cdacccPost:f25b8cdd-c177-46f0-8b96-692524de1299">Re: Need to vent BM/Sister being nasty</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need to vent BM/Sister being nasty : This is only true if the bride and groom were the only one's to attend their wedding.  When you start including other people their feelings need to be taken into account.
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    Ehh I disagree. My fiance's best man has his sister's wedding the day of our wedding so he can't make ours. No way in heck were we moving our date for him. You have to do what is in your best interest- not everyone elses. IMO.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-to-vent-bmsister-being-nasty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a21081c8-8b0e-45f5-bbcd-37ea27cdacccPost:5616adbd-63dd-4e8c-bfbd-1f52855b0eaa">Re: Need to vent BM/Sister being nasty</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need to vent BM/Sister being nasty : Ehh I disagree. My fiance's best man has his sister's wedding the day of our wedding so he can't make ours. No way in heck were we moving our date for him. You have to do what is in your best interest- not everyone elses. IMO.
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    I understand picking a date that works well for you and your FI and of course the VIPs (family and close friends), other then that when you involve other people you have to take their feelings into consideration.  If you only did what you and your FI liked then your wedding and reception (which is a thank you to your guests, not just a party for you and your FI) will really only be liked by you two...such as not having dancing because the two of you don't dance, or not having alcohol because the two of you don't drink, or only having duck liver for dinner because that is what you two love to eat.

    I am not saying that the bride and groom should listen to everything that they are told and should bend over backwards to make people happy, but I do think that they need to listen to opinions and weigh what is and what is not important to fight over.

  • Thanks everyone- I appreciate the feedback and help (And I have no idea why I wrote fiancee, I know better!). I tried reaching out to my sis, but she hasn't gotten back to me. I did tell my mom that and she said not to worry, everything is fine. I should mention that the man I am marrying has 2 kids so narrowing the date down was quite dependent on the timing of their vacation with their mother, and their new stepbrother being in town and all the loigistics that go with it. I am not doing any planning except deciding between Manhattan (where I lived until recently), the Jersey Shore (where I grew up), and the CT casinos (near where I live now). It looks like everything will be fine though and I appreciate the suporrt and letting me vent. 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards