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Moms and Maids

What happened to helpful & supportive brides?

I had posted on here in November, after dealing with my fiances very difficult family. Since then I had forgotten about the post, and came back on here today to find that all the responses I had gotten were incredibly hurtful and not at all helpful. Here is the link to the oringinal post:


My question is why would other brides be so rude? I really needed some helpful advice, and instead got called a "kardashian" and "entitled". I would never treat another bride like this, we are all supposed to be going through a great time in our lives. 

To clarify my earlier post, my future mother in law & bridesmaids had ALL said they wanted to come to my dress fitting and had told me they would be there when I 1st told them about it (this was also the only wedding related thing I had asked them to be involved in, I had not asked anything of them since our engagment a year ago.)  Also, the fitting was about an hour away, I said I would drive if they could just pitch in with gas $, and only going an hour that wouldnt be that much a person. 

A week before my FMIL didnt even tell me she wasnt going anymore, I only found out after I had reached out to her trying to finalize the plans. She was just going to not show and not say anything. 

1 day before my fiances sister and bridemaid text me and said she just bought an Iphone and so because of that could not go anymore. I never said everyone needs to plan their life around me, but since when is a phone more important than family. I wouldnt do that to any of my friends/family, unless something major came up. 

How does any of this make me an entitled bride?? And as far as the destination wedding goes, we NEVER made people feel bad about not being able to go. We actually are planning an at home reception for people that cant make it. 

How would some of you other brides feel about getting such rude responses? Of course I want honest responses, but the way some fellow brides went about it was extremely mean. What happened to treating others the way you want to be treated? Dont call someone entitled or a princess when you know nothing about them. Unlike most other people I know, I pay for my own car, rent, bills, etc. I shouldnt even have to defend myself on here, we are supposed to supporting each other not bringing each other down.
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Re: What happened to helpful & supportive brides?

  • Wow....I am amazed by your ignorance!!!!! I read the previous thread So you invite bm's for a dress "viewing" and they have a choice of drive themselves or give you gas $$.....makes no sense and I would have made other plans as well!!!!! Actually it is NONE of your business how people spend their money!!!!! The brides on here are very helpful and truthful which obviously you can't handle so I would suggest that you don't post if you don't like it. P.S. I don't blame your FMIL for not being interested! GL
  • If I were acting as you are acting, and posted here asking for validation of my poor behavior, I would absolutely expect the posters to give me a serious reality check.

    This is a tough love kind of community.  If you want people to justify your being hurt because someone made other plans instead of viewing the unveiling of your custom dress, you're posting in the wrong place.
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  • If you don't want an honest opinion, please don't read any further than this.

    Your FSIL initially wanted to go with you to see your custom dress. You then told everyone that you expected them to chip in for gas money. After FSIL thought about that one, she called you to tell you that she couldn't 'afford' to go because she just bought an iphone or ipad or something like that. It seems like your FSIL and FMIL think you were being cheap. Why did you ask them for gas money? You were the one who wanted an entourage. It wasn't going to cost you any more to have passengers in your car. And even if it was, they were giving up part of their day to indulge you.

                       
  • I'm sorry you didn't like the responses you got.  Unfortunately, you can't stop people from posting their opinions on the internet.  Making a second post scolding the whole community will not make people go, "Oh wow.  I'm so sorry we were mean to you!"  No one was mean to you.  They were honest.

    From reading your previous post, and this one, you seem like a thin-skinned person.  Your post makes you seem like you feel you are entitled.  It makes you seem like you think you are more important, and better then others.  This will not serve you well in life.  Instead of getting offended about the posts you should read them really hard, and think about how you can change your behavior.  You can't change your FMIL's, or your FSIL's, or your WP's behavior.  The only person you have control over is you. 

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  • I think you are both missing the point.  I only got upset once they had both said they were 100% going, and knew all the details. Then last minute my FMIL wasnt even going to tell me she was backing out. How would you feel when people tell you yes they would be there then the only reason you knew they wouldnt be there is because you reach out to them?? 

    Also this is the same FMIL who decided last minute to get married, out of town 2 weeks before and we re-arranged all our plans, had to take days off work and pay for travel to go to her wedding ( last minute travel & getting time off work isnt easy) I always go out of my way for people and I cant even get a phone call saying hey by the way, I wont be there. 

    This can be a truthful place, but do we really need to be calling each other names?? We are all adults, not high schoolers. 
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_happened-helpful-supportive-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ab619011-f108-4d56-a34c-bdf0fd8642b0Post:f1f52474-aacd-48c7-9f0d-bfcb60583cdf">Re: What happened to helpful & supportive brides?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you are both missing the point.  I only got upset once they had both said they were 100% going, and knew all the details. Then last minute my FMIL wasnt even going to tell me she was backing out. How would you feel when people tell you yes they would be there then the only reason you knew they wouldnt be there is because you reach out to them??  Also this is the same FMIL who decided last minute to get married, out of town 2 weeks before and we re-arranged all our plans, had to take days off work and pay for travel to go to her wedding ( last minute travel & getting time off work isnt easy) I always go out of my way for people and I cant even get a phone call saying hey by the way, I wont be there.  This can be a truthful place, but do we really need to be calling each other names?? We are all adults, not high schoolers. 
    Posted by wildcats0109[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I think it was wrong of them to say they were going and then bail, so I get why you are hurt, but what can you do about that now? Just limit what you include them on from now on, or tell them you'll be where ever at what time on what day, and if they show, cool, if not, whatevers. I'm sorry to say that your expectations of your FMIL and BMs seems a little high. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for FMIL's wedding, you really did not <em>have</em> to go. Last minute notice like that means that the B&G have to accept that some people cannot attend. You were able to rearrange your schedule, and I understand you are frustrated, but you shouldn't hold that against her. You could have declined. </div><div>
    </div><div>I agree that some people here might go a little too far, but the atmosphere here is just blunt and not sugar coated, and also rejects the wedding industry idea that the bride is the Queen of Sheba and her BMs are her slaves. Try to look at advice hereas a refreshing, unbiased look your friends and family might not give you because they want to spare your feelings. And at the end of the day, we are just people on the internet. You are going to do whatever you want and feel however you will feel. How you perceive and receive our posts is up to you. </div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: The worst response I saw that you got is from Zitiqueen, and it wasn't even that bad. If you want people to aw and feel sorry for you, try the boards over on WeddingBee. They are probably more your style. 

    </div>
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  • I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, but if you didn't like the responses, why did you just create a new post telling everyone that? I've had my feelings hurt on here too, so I'm trying really hard to understand why you just opened yourself back up to this.

    I'm sorry people backed out on you. I guess I agree with a PP and don't understand why you asked for gas money if you heve to go pick up your dress regardless? It sounds like it is what it is, and you just have to chalk it up to a lesson learned. Don't expect so much from these people, and they might surprise you.
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  • I posted again because I want to be able to participate in the boards again.  I think this can be a better place for brides if everyone is still truthful, maybe just more considerate. I appreciate some of the posts of honesty, but the others with the name calling are why I posted again. Lets all try to help one another rather than be cruel. We can still be honest without being rude. Maybe its not obvious from my posts but I am far from a bridezilla, just someone who always go out of my way for others. Maybe I need to lower my expectations of others and that is something I will be working on. Its hard because I have such great parents, that adjusting to his parents lack of caring is difficult (lots more besides weddding stuff when I say that). 
  • So you just wanted people to blow smoke up your ass?  I'm pretty sure they make machines that can do that.



  • Seriously though, nobody was mean, and everybody gave you useful feedback.  If you think pertinent information was missing from your original post, that's nobody's fault but you.  With the additional information/clarification given here opinions are unlikely to change. 

    Why would you charge them gas money when they're doing you a favor and an honor?  It's not like they'd be going to see your dress if you hadn't invited them.



  • Everyone has their own opinions of mean, I wouldnt speak to people as some have in not just my posts but others I have seen. Viczaesar your first post is an example of what I am talking about, but your 2nd post is helpful. I re-posted simply to call out that we can all be nicer to each other. Feel free to continue posting but this will be my last response. Congrats to fellow 2012 brides : )
  • I still want to know why you were charging people gas money when you had to go get the dress anyway.
  • edited January 2012
    "When she asked my future mother in law for $$ to go she refused, but then I found out she gave her money for something else." wildcats0109

    That is a quote from your original thread. I'm wondering why your FSIL asked her mother for the $10 for gas money. Is she a minor?
                       
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_happened-helpful-supportive-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ab619011-f108-4d56-a34c-bdf0fd8642b0Post:febf9a75-9d57-4568-b89d-4d66b24b92ed">Re: What happened to helpful & supportive brides?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I posted again because I want to be able to participate in the boards again.  I think this can be a better place for brides if everyone is still truthful, maybe just more considerate. I appreciate some of the posts of honesty, but the others with the name calling are why I posted again. Lets all try to help one another rather than be cruel. We can still be honest without being rude. Maybe its not obvious from my posts but I am far from a bridezilla, just someone who always go out of my way for others. Maybe I need to lower my expectations of others and that is something I will be working on.<strong> Its hard because I have such great parents, that adjusting to his parents lack of caring is difficult (lots more besides weddding stuff when I say that). 
    </strong>Posted by wildcats0109[/QUOTE]

    I'm going to give you more advice you didn't ask for, PRINCESS. Different = different, it doesn't = wrong. Learn that now if you want to have a successful marriage. Just because your parents fall all over themselves to give their precious little PRINCESS everything she wants doesn't mean his parents will too.

    Yeah, you do need to lower your expectations. Lower them right down to reality, where you aren't the center of anybody else's universe, and you'll be a much happier person and so will the people who have to deal with you.
  • If you want hugs and kisses and puppies and rainbows (and validation for your choices, regardless of whether or not they're a good idea) try weddingbee.com.  
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  • I love that she linked to her original post... THAT SHE DD'D... The only reason that post still exists is because I quoted the damn thing before she could throw her temper tantrum and stomp off because nobody agreed with her.
  • edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_happened-helpful-supportive-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ab619011-f108-4d56-a34c-bdf0fd8642b0Post:a7178675-ecba-467d-95be-bd7f943a26f7">Re: What happened to helpful & supportive brides?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I love that she linked to her original post... THAT SHE DD'D... The only reason that post still exists is because I quoted the damn thing before she could throw her temper tantrum and stomp off because nobody agreed with her.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    <div>But Ziti, you don't understaaaaaaand..... her dress is CUSTOM!  This is IMPORTANT!  And it's not like she's making people feeel bad for not going to her expensive destination wedding.... oh wait, except for FI's mom, whose financial situation she is completely and fully knowledgeable of, so she therefore knows exactly what the poor woman can afford to spend on travelling to Hawaii for a wedding.  Besides, it's not like going to Hawaii is THAT expensive, and dammit, it's HER DAY.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_happened-helpful-supportive-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ab619011-f108-4d56-a34c-bdf0fd8642b0Post:b3721a84-d5a8-49f4-bca0-b0ea18c5bce1">Re: What happened to helpful & supportive brides?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What happened to helpful & supportive brides? : But Ziti, you don't understaaaaaaand..... her dress is CUSTOM!  This is IMPORTANT!  And it's not like she's making people feeel bad for not going to her expensive destination wedding.... oh wait, except for FI's mom, whose financial situation she is completely and fully knowledgeable of, so she therefore knows exactly what the poor woman can afford to spend on travelling to Hawaii for a wedding.  Besides, it's not like going to Hawaii is THAT expensive, and dammit, it's HER DAY.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

    Hahahahahaha
  • edited January 2012
    OP, this is the internet.  You're not going to have everyone agree with you on everything. 

    One of the PPs told you that not everyone can go to a DW and DW brides need to accept that as part of the deal.  You may be able to drop everything in a few weeks and go to your FMIL's wedding, but not everyone can afford to go to Hawaii.  Hawaii is FAR AWAY, very expensive to get to, and very expensive once you're there.  If your FILs expressed disinterest in going from the beginning, why did you continue to have your wedding there?  I'm not judging, I'm just trying to understand.  The most important part of the wedding, to me, is being able to have all the people you love the most around you, and usually that includes the groom's parents.

    As for your frustration with your friends, I understand how it feels to have people they can make it and then back out last minute.  I think the board was more concerned with you asking for gas $ than your being upset that people cancelled.
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  • Do some people say rude things on here? Yes. Do they go a bit overboard sometimes? Yes. Did I feel the exact same way as you once? Yes. But did I take the truths offered and learn from them? Yes.

    TK is a very blunt place and you are going to get anyone and everyone responding to you in a variety of ways. Although some people might be a little tactless sometimes (I am guilty of that, too), none of the advice that you got was bad and nobody on here is ever going to validate a bad opinion. It might be hard to hear sometimes, but the people on TK say the things that they do for your sake and the sake of your WP and guests. People speak the truth without sugar coating it because we actually care. We don't want to see people making bad choices and tell them in straight language because IRL most people wont. I am sorry if you were hurt by the method of delivery and I do think that some people are unfeeling sometimes, but I would rather hear the truth and be a bit upset for a while than to treat my family or friends badly.

    As to your original problem, I re-read my response to your first post and stand by it. Regarding the new info you provided, I do not think that it was a good idea to ask for gas money. If you are asking them to drive to see your dress, they are taking their own time to be nice-- asking them for money to do you a favor sounds really bad. I do think that it is rude of them to not tell you that they changed their minds and I don't blame you for feeling upset over that. But the expectation that everyone go see your dress is rather high. To you it is exhilirating. To them it is a dress they will see later.

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  • I still don't get why you thought it was a good idea to charge people gas money to watch you try on your dress. FFS, I wouldn't pay you gas money either. That's ridiculous. You would have had to make that trip, whether it was alone or with others, right? So you obviously had the gas money to begin with. Plus, it's your own CHOICE to buy a dress from a place that is not in your own town, so by doing so, you know you will incur higher gas costs to drive there. All of the above is what lead people to thinking you were entitled. We can only go off of what you post in your post (that you subsequently deleted anyhow). If you feel that isn't who you are, then you need to give more information in your posts.
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  • OP - please read my siggy line and think about it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_happened-helpful-supportive-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ab619011-f108-4d56-a34c-bdf0fd8642b0Post:f8bf68d9-0176-4ef1-a4ea-857c215c4a1f">Re: What happened to helpful & supportive brides?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Everyone has their own opinions of mean, I wouldnt speak to people as some have in not just my posts but others I have seen. Viczaesar your first post is an example of what I am talking about, but your 2nd post is helpful. I re-posted simply to call out that we can all be nicer to each other. Feel free to continue posting but this will be my last response. Congrats to fellow 2012 brides : )
    Posted by wildcats0109[/QUOTE]
    You're really full of yourself, aren't you?



  • I also want to know why you were going to charge gas money when you had to go anyway.

    Please explain.
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  • This is a little off topic but on the topic of having people pay you gas money, depending on where you live you might want to be careful of doing that. It makes you a "driver for hire" and liable if there is an accident.  That's not to say that after successfully arriving back home that one couldn't give the driver some money but to arrange this transaction before the trip can define you as a "driver for hire" in some states.
  • I would never g if you charged me for gas money. Who does that?
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  • OMG I agree with you so much! Everyone is different. I had a post about BM and I was gonna buy them a book about how to be a BM and everyone flipped out on me! (more to the story but I dont feel like posting it all). I know they need to be honest but most of them dont know how to do it very nice.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_happened-helpful-supportive-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ab619011-f108-4d56-a34c-bdf0fd8642b0Post:9b419427-da1e-4bd2-9088-484a98a6d62f">Re: What happened to helpful & supportive brides?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OMG I agree with you so much! Everyone is different. I had a post about BM and I was gonna buy them a book about how to be a BM and everyone flipped out on me! (more to the story but I dont feel like posting it all). I know they need to be honest but most of them dont know how to do it very nice.
    Posted by matt&brit[/QUOTE]



    People were plenty nice to you. The idea was just bad and you were hurt that many people didn't like it. Honestly does not mean lack of niceness.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_happened-helpful-supportive-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ab619011-f108-4d56-a34c-bdf0fd8642b0Post:9b419427-da1e-4bd2-9088-484a98a6d62f">Re: What happened to helpful & supportive brides?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OMG I agree with you so much! Everyone is different. I had a post about BM and I was gonna buy them a book about how to be a BM and everyone flipped out on me! (more to the story but I dont feel like posting it all). I know they need to be honest but most of them dont know how to do it very nice.
    Posted by matt&brit[/QUOTE]

    An intructional book?!  As in an Employee's handbook?  Maybe everyone flipped out on you because giving one of your BM's a book on how to be a Bridesmaid is downright <u>rude</u>?  Bridemaid is a honor, not a job.  Anyone on here will tell you that. 
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  • I didn't know people charged their passengers for gas money after high school.
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