Moms and Maids

Ugh...FMIL...

I'm going to try to keep this short, but we will see ;)
My FMIL is horrible, an absolute nightmare...I'm sure it could be worse, especially with somethings that you read on the knot, but I'm not sure if I want to find out!
Some background:   FMIL doesn't like me, noone knows why, she just doesn't...I go out of my way to please her, take FI advice on how to handle things, and everything is still wrong.
FMIL does this wonderful thing with me where (when we are alone) she will make a snide comment about FFIL (they are divorced) and then go and tell everyone that I said this comment about her...ie, last spring we were having lunch and she said "I don't know why FFIL expects you two to visit him, you can't afford to always to driving up here to see him" (FFIL and FMIL live in the same town and FMIL wants us to visit her every other weekend, but I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything) then the next day when we were leaving her house, she was crying and told FI that I told her "We can't afford to always drive up here just because you want to see us."  OMG, I bawled the whole way home, because I didn't say anything to her and she was the one to say it!  Then she went and told her sisters, parents, and nephew that I said this and I hadn't even met any of them yet!  
For Christmas, FMIL and her husband gave us a 1 year old dishwasher, fridge, sink, and garbage disposal to replace our older ones and volunteered to come down and install them (this is a 45 min drive from their place).  They came down one weekend last month to do this, FI told me on Friday that they were coming down Saturday morning and then went back to his video game.  Saturday afternoon comes around and FMIL and husband show up with their 2 big dogs and truckfull of suitcacses and supplies.  I didn't know they were staying the night or that their dogs were coming.  Now this wouldn't have been a big deal, except for 2 things: 1) We already have 2 big dogs, and we have a very small 2 bedroom house.  And her dogs are very aggressive with our less than year old dogs, pinning them to the ground and biting at them, all while growling.  And their one dog had already started growling at OUR dogs, in OUR house when they were still more than 20 ft away from each other.  I put our dogs outside and that's where they stayed for the entire afternoon (FYI this is Nebraska in January, BURR) because she didn't want her dogs outside and the 4 of them can't stay in the same room together without one of ours getting hurt of one of them knocking something over trying to escape the wrath.  This wasn't fair to our dogs in their own home.  And 2) I have talked to FI about communicating things with me, and he didn't tell me the full story, even though he had known for over a week, so I was upset with him, because if he would've told me, we could have figured out a plan for the dogs and sleeping arrangements (since one of our bedrooms is actually an office) and it wouldn't have been sprung on me (I hate surprises, they make me anxious and stressed, and he knows this).  So FMIL ended up leaving that night with the dogs, while her husband stayed, and she came back the next morning with no dogs.  That night she sent me a facebook message (we aren't even friends on FB, but she still manages to message me) saying that she's never felt so unwelcome and she will probably never come back to our house again.  I talked to FI and he said to just explain to her that it wasn't about her, it was about the lack of communication from him and apologize for the misunderstanding.  So I did just that.  Her response came a few days later and said that she never wanted him to marry me (I already knew that, she is still really good friends with his ex and has made it clear to me that she would be her top choice for him) and that "he hasn't had as much alone time as you, since you are 3 years older than him.  He needs some more time alone and doesn't need to be settling down so early."  She apparently had this conversation with FBIL after FI talked to them both about the kind of ring he wanted to get me for their opinions.  FI was entirely upset about this message, as this was the worst message she has written me, and trust me, there have been a lot; I chose not to respond and to just ignore it, as far as she was concerned. (Oh and FYI, FI and I are both out of college and paying our own bills and living on our own, to clarify the too young thing...aka, he's not 18 and a deadbeat, haha)
Now we are having wedding related issues with her.  Last week we were in Oklahoma for FBIL's basic training graduation, and FMIL wanted to go to Hobby Lobby (Awesome because I love HL).  FI told her about our cake topper that we are looking for (a blinged out R, because our cake has alternating layers of rhinestone ribbon) and she gave a disapproving look.  (Now is the time to mention that she told us that she will take care of the RD and groom's cake, even though I was excited to make the groom's cake myself, but gave that up to her to make her happy, but that she will foot nothing more with the wedding expenses).  So she sets out to find us a different topper and buys it, along with the serving set we were eyeing but hadn't decided on.  Now this topper is cute, but doesn't fit the cake ideas, so now I am making alterations to the topper and the cake, to make them mesh as opposed to clash!  I don't want to hurt her feelings by returning the topper (even though she told me to if I want to, it's a test to see if I'll do it), so I'm just going to make it work.
The purpose of writing for advice though is a situation that has been going on for a few weeks.  FI asked me to help him picked a song for the dance with his mother at the reception because I'm more musically inclined and knowledgeable that him, so I created a long list and he listened to him.  He narrowed it down to 3 and wanted his mom's opinion.  She listened to them then told him that she doesn't like them because she wants a song that is meaningful to her, FI, and FBIL.  FI is now upset because FMIL always has favored FBIL and is now doing it again when FI just wants a moment with his mom and FBIL has to be brought into it.  FI and FBIL love each other and are best friends, but FI just wants something to be about him.  Part of him wants to just say "Ok, mom, whatever, just pick something and I'll do it," but the other part of him wants to say "Mom, I know you miss FBIL since he is in the Army, but this is my wedding so we either do something that honors my relationship with my mother or we don't, I want a moment with my mom, this isn't the time for the 3 musketeers crap" and add a "screw you" in there.  What do you all think he should do?  He's the oldest and tired of always taking the back seat to his little brother, and especially doesn't want to for his wedding.  He is capable of sticking up to his mother, ie, when we got engaged and were trying to set a date, FMIL kept saying "you know your bother won't be able to be there probably right?  Are you sure you want to do this?  I want your brother to be there" etc.  FI said, "Mom, I want him there to, but its impossible to plan our wedding about his military schedule, we don't know what it will ever be.  I talked to him about it and he will try to be there whenever we choose, but it can't be planned and him and I both understand and accept it no matter how hard it might be.  So just stop, the guilt trip with you is only pissing me off and I'm gonna stop asking your opinion if you can't be supportive."  But although he is capable of this, he hates to stand up to her and usually chooses not to (just like the cake topper thing).  Please help!  What should he say/do?  Anything?  Specifically about the dance thing, but in general is good too!  Thanks!

Re: Ugh...FMIL...

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ughfmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aff66186-a6f6-4db2-b4b7-f05e8d208f74Post:b656cffa-afac-421b-9cf4-436de66e919f">Ugh...FMIL...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm going to try to keep this short, but we will see ;) My FMIL is horrible, an absolute nightmare...I'm sure it could be worse, especially with somethings that you read on the knot, but I'm not sure if I want to find out! Some background:   FMIL doesn't like me, noone knows why, she just doesn't...I go out of my way to please her, take FI advice on how to handle things, and everything is still wrong. FMIL does this wonderful thing with me where (when we are alone) she will make a snide comment about FFIL (they are divorced) and then go and tell everyone that I said this comment about her...ie, last spring we were having lunch and she said "I don't know why FFIL expects you two to visit him, you can't afford to always to driving up here to see him" (FFIL and FMIL live in the same town and FMIL wants us to visit her every other weekend, but I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything) then the next day when we were leaving her house, she was crying and told FI that I told her "We can't afford to always drive up here just because you want to see us."  OMG, I bawled the whole way home, because I didn't say anything to her and she was the one to say it!  Then she went and told her sisters, parents, and nephew that I said this and I hadn't even met any of them yet!   For Christmas, FMIL and her husband gave us a 1 year old dishwasher, fridge, sink, and garbage disposal to replace our older ones and volunteered to come down and install them (this is a 45 min drive from their place).  They came down one weekend last month to do this, FI told me on Friday that they were coming down Saturday morning and then went back to his video game.  Saturday afternoon comes around and FMIL and husband show up with their 2 big dogs and truckfull of suitcacses and supplies.  I didn't know they were staying the night or that their dogs were coming.  Now this wouldn't have been a big deal, except for 2 things: 1) We already have 2 big dogs, and we have a very small 2 bedroom house.  And her dogs are very aggressive with our less than year old dogs, pinning them to the ground and biting at them, all while growling.  And their one dog had already started growling at OUR dogs, in OUR house when they were still more than 20 ft away from each other.  I put our dogs outside and that's where they stayed for the entire afternoon (FYI this is Nebraska in January, BURR) because she didn't want her dogs outside and the 4 of them can't stay in the same room together without one of ours getting hurt of one of them knocking something over trying to escape the wrath.  This wasn't fair to our dogs in their own home.  And 2) I have talked to FI about communicating things with me, and he didn't tell me the full story, even though he had known for over a week, so I was upset with him, because if he would've told me, we could have figured out a plan for the dogs and sleeping arrangements (since one of our bedrooms is actually an office) and it wouldn't have been sprung on me (I hate surprises, they make me anxious and stressed, and he knows this).  So FMIL ended up leaving that night with the dogs, while her husband stayed, and she came back the next morning with no dogs.  That night she sent me a facebook message (we aren't even friends on FB, but she still manages to message me) saying that she's never felt so unwelcome and she will probably never come back to our house again.  I talked to FI and he said to just explain to her that it wasn't about her, it was about the lack of communication from him and apologize for the misunderstanding.  So I did just that.  Her response came a few days later and said that she never wanted him to marry me (I already knew that, she is still really good friends with his ex and has made it clear to me that she would be her top choice for him) and that "he hasn't had as much alone time as you, since you are 3 years older than him.  He needs some more time alone and doesn't need to be settling down so early."  She apparently had this conversation with FBIL after FI talked to them both about the kind of ring he wanted to get me for their opinions.  FI was entirely upset about this message, as this was the worst message she has written me, and trust me, there have been a lot; I chose not to respond and to just ignore it, as far as she was concerned. (Oh and FYI, FI and I are both out of college and paying our own bills and living on our own, to clarify the too young thing...aka, he's not 18 and a deadbeat, haha) Now we are having wedding related issues with her.  Last week we were in Oklahoma for FBIL's basic training graduation, and FMIL wanted to go to Hobby Lobby (Awesome because I love HL).  FI told her about our cake topper that we are looking for (a blinged out R, because our cake has alternating layers of rhinestone ribbon) and she gave a disapproving look.  (Now is the time to mention that she told us that she will take care of the RD and groom's cake, even though I was excited to make the groom's cake myself, but gave that up to her to make her happy, but that she will foot nothing more with the wedding expenses).  So she sets out to find us a different topper and buys it, along with the serving set we were eyeing but hadn't decided on.  Now this topper is cute, but doesn't fit the cake ideas, so now I am making alterations to the topper and the cake, to make them mesh as opposed to clash!  I don't want to hurt her feelings by returning the topper (even though she told me to if I want to, it's a test to see if I'll do it), so I'm just going to make it work. The purpose of writing for advice though is a situation that has been going on for a few weeks.  FI asked me to help him picked a song for the dance with his mother at the reception because I'm more musically inclined and knowledgeable that him, so I created a long list and he listened to him.  He narrowed it down to 3 and wanted his mom's opinion.  She listened to them then told him that she doesn't like them because she wants a song that is meaningful to her, FI, and FBIL.  FI is now upset because FMIL always has favored FBIL and is now doing it again when FI just wants a moment with his mom and FBIL has to be brought into it.  FI and FBIL love each other and are best friends, but FI just wants something to be about him.  Part of him wants to just say "Ok, mom, whatever, just pick something and I'll do it," but the other part of him wants to say "Mom, I know you miss FBIL since he is in the Army, but this is my wedding so we either do something that honors my relationship with my mother or we don't, I want a moment with my mom, this isn't the time for the 3 musketeers crap" and add a "screw you" in there.  What do you all think he should do?  He's the oldest and tired of always taking the back seat to his little brother, and especially doesn't want to for his wedding.  He is capable of sticking up to his mother, ie, when we got engaged and were trying to set a date, FMIL kept saying "you know your bother won't be able to be there probably right?  Are you sure you want to do this?  I want your brother to be there" etc.  FI said, "Mom, I want him there to, but its impossible to plan our wedding about his military schedule, we don't know what it will ever be.  I talked to him about it and he will try to be there whenever we choose, but it can't be planned and him and I both understand and accept it no matter how hard it might be.  So just stop, the guilt trip with you is only pissing me off and I'm gonna stop asking your opinion if you can't be supportive."  But although he is capable of this, he hates to stand up to her and usually chooses not to (just like the cake topper thing).  Please help!  What should he say/do?  Anything?  Specifically about the dance thing, but in general is good too!  Thanks!
    Posted by QueenOfTheSea[/QUOTE]
  • Holy Wall of Text Batman.

    Can someone readers digest this for me?
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    1) Stop trying to please your FMIL because it ain't going to happen
    2) You really need to work on the communication between your FI and yourself.  That would have saved you a lot of stress when your FIL's came for a visit
    3) Your FI needs to deal with his Mom himself.  Maybe he needs to finally stick up for himself and say what he feels.  This may just knock some sense into her.

    The last thing...has your FI stuck up for you in regards to his Mom?  Like when she says hurtful things or does things that are directly mean to you does he stick up for you?  If not, then you have a serious FI issue that you need to work out pronto.

    At this point I would just worry about you and your FI lives and stop caring so much about your FMIL.  Let your FI handle her from this point on.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ughfmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aff66186-a6f6-4db2-b4b7-f05e8d208f74Post:00e474f1-e91d-4f23-89c4-b0b0c0719ca6">Re: Ugh...FMIL...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Holy Wall of Text Batman. Can someone readers digest this for me?
    Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

    Basically FMIL is a b$tch to the OP.  Nothing she does is ever good enough and FMIL puts words into OPs mouth and then bad mouths her to other family members.  It doesn't seem like OP FI is doing anything much in regards to sticking up for OP and he also does not communicate things well at all (example:  he told OP that FMIL and Dad will be coming on Saturday to drop some appliances off...but then he left out the part about them spending the night and bringing their two dogs).

    Also, OP FI feels like he is always taking a back seat to his little brother who is in the Army.  FMIL always brings him up and wants to include him some how in the Mother/Son dance (weird) by picking a song that has meaning for FMIL, FI and FBIL.  OP FI does not have the brass balls to stand up to his Mom about his feelings and just ignores the situation.

    I think that covers it.

  • To echo Maggie point #2 communication between you and your FI seems like it could really help - to help you prepare for things, to avoid surprises, to get you two on the same page!
  • Thanks Maggie. Seriously.

    OP - I agree with PPs. You need to seriously work on your communication with your FI and he needs to seriously learn how to stand up to his mother. This problem will NOT go away just because you get married. it will only get worse. Start dealing with it NOW before you end up in a situation that's even worse than now.

    Unfortunately, you can't make your FMIL more rational, but you can control your actions. Back off from this woman and let FI handle it. If she doesn't like you, you approaching her over things will only make it worse. So, back off, just accept some blows, and have some serious talks with your FI about him standing up.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    Your problem is twofold:

    1. You're trying to please a woman who prefers to be miserable. She doesn't like you. You don't like her. Distance is your friend, under these circumstances. Don't ask for her opinion on anything. Let him answer her emails and phone calls.Don't spend time alone with her, without witnesses. Stop fretting about what she tells who about you. Her ex knows she's manipulative and her kids probably know it, too.

    2. Your fi does not have enough guts to stand up to his mother. That is the main problem. He needs to stop ruminating about what he should say to her. The message should be clear,"Mom, Queen and I are a package deal. If you want to be a part of our lives, you will have to treat both of us with respect." She will make accusations and excuses. She'll cry and pout. But the line must be drawn. When she is not playing nicely, you and he should remove yourselves from the situation and stay away for awhile.

    The surprise overnight visit with the dogs - that was your fi's fault. He should have apologized to you and his mother for putting everyone in an awkward situation. He, not you, should have handled the situation.

    As for the cake topper- return it. Or lose it. Don't mention it to her. If she makes a fuss over a cake topper at your wedding, she'll look foolish.

    As for the mother/son dance - let her choose it. This is no big deal. Why fuss over it? Your fi doesn't have a special song for his mom if he is asking you to pick it our for him, anyway.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ughfmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aff66186-a6f6-4db2-b4b7-f05e8d208f74Post:69706c79-4651-483c-b6ec-3998b11db0d5">Re: Ugh...FMIL...</a>:
    [QUOTE]1) Stop trying to please your FMIL because it ain't going to happen 2) You really need to work on the communication between your FI and yourself.  That would have saved you a lot of stress when your FIL's came for a visit 3) Your FI needs to deal with his Mom himself.  Maybe he needs to finally stick up for himself and say what he feels.  This may just knock some sense into her. The last thing...has your FI stuck up for you in regards to his Mom?  Like when she says hurtful things or does things that are directly mean to you does he stick up for you?  If not, then you have a serious FI issue that you need to work out pronto. At this point I would just worry about you and your FI lives and stop caring so much about your FMIL.  Let your FI handle her from this point on.
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>We are working on communication :)  At least trying to!  That is what we have been talking alot about in premarital counseling and trying some "exercises" to help with it.  Sometimes I think he just gets too busy doing other things, ie watching tv/playing video games/etc after a long day at work that he thinks he can give me the very short version of things and that I will just figure out the rest.  Its just frustrating, for sure!</div><div>He sticks up for me to his mom all the time.  Tells her that if she keeps treating me the way she does, she can forget about us coming to visit, meeting our future children, having any part in his life whatsoever.  She cries and says she doesn't want that, she's just so stressed...she's tolerable for like a week or 2 and then she's doing it all again.  I have ignored her messages, he told her to delete my phone number, and he told her to contact him if she needs to talk to me and he will relay the message.  But I honestly think that she is just seeing how far she can push it, not fully believing that he will really cut her out, but in reality, he took the list and moved her to the "maybe invite" list (we have our guest list broken into "definitely" and "maybe" and when we are ready to send out invites we will go through the maybe list and decide then whether to send them an invite.)  He does a really good job sticking up for me, he just isn't sure how to stick up for himself (as far as the wedding goes) and the wedding in general (like with the groom's cake and cake topper).
    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ughfmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aff66186-a6f6-4db2-b4b7-f05e8d208f74Post:f5047058-9c6b-41a8-bd71-3e894d9236a4">Re: Ugh...FMIL...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you need to be straightforward with your FI about communicating with you.  In your own home, you two should both be in agreement with regards to houseguests, where they stay and for how long.  That was his issue there.   He should also be standing up for you when his mother spreads toxic gossip about you. She sounds genuinely awful and manipulative.  I would seriously limit my time with her. Do not let her make you feel guilty about this and do your best to ignore her. BLOCK her entirely on Facebook. I was given a copy of "A Wife's Guide to In-Laws" by a friend as a gag gift after my MIL was a royal pain in the butt one Christmas.  The book actually has a lot of great advice on how to handle toxic people, in general. Seriously, read it.  The author is Jenna something, I don't have the book on me at the moment.
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I thought we were on the same page on all of this, so this incident baffled me.  He had never not communicated something this big, if that makes sense.  But trust me, I was blunt honest with him about being upset and why I was.</div><div>He does stand up for me...the issue with his aunt and grandparents is this...his aunt and grandma are exactly like his mother and so when she starts in, it excalates because they feed off of her and encourage her.  His grandpa adores me and his cousin accepts me as well, but they don't/can't interject to shut them up, because then it will get turned around on them and its honestly not their place to get involved...so when she gets started about me to them, it doesn't matter what anyone says or does, I'm still going to lose.  I quit trying with the aunt and grandma a long time ago, it doesn't matter when I only see them 2x a year.</div><div>I'm definitely going to look up that book, right now!  Thank you!!

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ughfmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aff66186-a6f6-4db2-b4b7-f05e8d208f74Post:077d9fd0-d79b-499b-bf0f-8ddb4d91e862">Re: Ugh...FMIL...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks Maggie. Seriously. OP - I agree with PPs. You need to seriously work on your communication with your FI and he needs to seriously learn how to stand up to his mother. This problem will NOT go away just because you get married. it will only get worse. Start dealing with it NOW before you end up in a situation that's even worse than now. Unfortunately, you can't make your FMIL more rational, but you can control your actions. Back off from this woman and let FI handle it. If she doesn't like you, you approaching her over things will only make it worse. So, back off, just accept some blows, and have some serious talks with your FI about him standing up.
    Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

    <div>The problem with this advice is this...I NEVER approach her.  She approaches me, every single time...if I apologize (even if I don't think I should), I'm wrong and she doesn't want my apology OR I'm not understanding what she is trying to tell me and she changes her "problem" or complaint altogether.    If I brush it off, then I should have apologized or I'm being rude by not doing or saying something that she wants me to.  I don't have her phone number or email address and I'm not friends with her on facebook, and I only go visit her on holidays or if my FI needs to run up there to get something or drop something off with her (so he doesn't have to ride 1.5 hr round trip alone).  There is nothing to back off from, because I'm not approaching or initiating anything with her and other the course of 2 years, I've accept blows at least once every other week, from needing to eat a salad so I fit into my dress (I'm 110 lbs and am a size 2 with a corset back dress, I'm a fitness junkie and personal trainer, I'm pretty sure a side of fries isn't going to be a problem) to not "making" my FI call her so I must be making him do too much for me so he doesn't have time to call her.  He stands up for me plenty, he just doesn't stand up for himself and when it comes to our wedding, that's the problem.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ughfmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aff66186-a6f6-4db2-b4b7-f05e8d208f74Post:82c36f30-fc8e-4481-8a32-0aa3bacd11de">Re: Ugh...FMIL...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your problem is twofold: 1. You're trying to please a woman who prefers to be miserable. She doesn't like you. You don't like her. Distance is your friend, under these circumstances. Don't ask for her opinion on anything. Let him answer her emails and phone calls.Don't spend time alone with her, without witnesses. Stop fretting about what she tells who about you. Her ex knows she's manipulative and her kids probably know it, too. 2. Your fi does not have enough guts to stand up to his mother. That is the main problem. He needs to stop ruminating about what he should say to her. The message should be clear,"Mom, Queen and I are a package deal. If you want to be a part of our lives, you will have to treat both of us with respect." She will make accusations and excuses. She'll cry and pout. But the line must be drawn. When she is not playing nicely, you and he should remove yourselves from the situation and stay away for awhile. The surprise overnight visit with the dogs - that was your fi's fault. He should have apologized to you and his mother for putting everyone in an awkward situation. He, not you, should have handled the situation. As for the cake topper- return it. Or lose it. Don't mention it to her. If she makes a fuss over a cake topper at your wedding, she'll look foolish. As for the mother/son dance - let her choose it. This is no big deal. Why fuss over it? Your fi doesn't have a special song for his mom, if he is asking you to pick it our for him, anyway.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Thank you!</div><div>A question to you...he's not picky about the song, but about what it stands for.  He believes that this is a special moment between him and his mom, not him and his mom and brother.  She wants a song that is special for the 3 of them and one that will include his soldier brother.  She is looking at Army themed songs, and that's not what he wants, he wants a special song for him and his mom, that's it.  This is the problem.  He wants to know how to address that, he keeps putting off the conversation, but she keeps bugging him about it.  He doesn't want it to be about his brother, and quite honestly, his brother doesn't want that either, but he doesn't know what to tell her when that is all she wants.</div><div>
    </div>
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Call block her.

    What has your premarital counselor advised?
                       
  • Your FI won't get anywhere with your FMIL if he doesn't reinforce what he says.  Think of how small children work.  If you make a threat, but never follow through, you now have a brat that disrespects your authority and knows that you're full of crap.

    Same thing for an overly aggressive and dumb FMIL (I say dumb because anyone who willfully rips apart their family this way is stupid).  He must tell her "You cannot disrespect my future wife without disrespecting me.  If you continue to do this to us, we will not speak to you, nor have you involved in our new family in any way"

    And then?  Cut her out.  Don't answer calls, don't respond to facebook, don't text or e-mail back.  Show her she's not going to get ANY attention for her bratty antics.  Show her that you are a united front, and there are consequences for messing with either of you.  You BOTH deserve respect, and she needs to be shown that.

    If she goes for the nuclear option and decides to cut you out of your lives, will you really miss her?  Will it lower your quality of life?  I'm thinking no.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

  • I live in Nebraka, this totally sounds like my ex's mother. Last name isn't Schlueter is it? If it is get out while you can.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ughfmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aff66186-a6f6-4db2-b4b7-f05e8d208f74Post:41674831-161c-4435-92c7-4d2e8e2a1bc0">Re: Ugh...FMIL...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh...FMIL... : The problem with this advice is this...I NEVER approach her.  She approaches me, every single time...if I apologize (even if I don't think I should), I'm wrong and she doesn't want my apology OR I'm not understanding what she is trying to tell me and she changes her "problem" or complaint altogether.    If I brush it off, then I should have apologized or I'm being rude by not doing or saying something that she wants me to.  I don't have her phone number or email address and I'm not friends with her on facebook, and I only go visit her on holidays or if my FI needs to run up there to get something or drop something off with her (so he doesn't have to ride 1.5 hr round trip alone).  There is nothing to back off from, because I'm not approaching or initiating anything with her and other the course of 2 years, I've accept blows at least once every other week, from needing to eat a salad so I fit into my dress (I'm 110 lbs and am a size 2 with a corset back dress, I'm a fitness junkie and personal trainer, I'm pretty sure a side of fries isn't going to be a problem) to not "making" my FI call her so I must be making him do too much for me so he doesn't have time to call her.  He stands up for me plenty, he just doesn't stand up for himself and when it comes to our wedding, that's the problem.
    Posted by QueenOfTheSea[/QUOTE]

    It doesn't matter if you approach her. You still sound like you're giving into her drama. Don't go into a big apology. Just say "I'm sorry for offending you" and then stop talking. Don't get into conversations with her if she drags you into them. A technique on these boards is often mentioned called "bean dipping":

    FMIL - You are crazy and taking my son away from me, WAH!
    You - Have you tried the bean dip? It's great
    FMIL - You shouldn't have the bean dip or you won't fit into a dress.
    You - Try it with this celery, it's delicious.
    FMIL - Why don't you include me in everything?
    You - Seriously you have to try this.

    Rinse and repeat. I get that you're not initializing, but by not just completely cutting her off, you are playing into her drama. She wants attention so every time you apologize and let her drag you into a debate over why you don't understand what you did wrong, you are enabling her behavior. Does that make sense?

    As for your FI, by not standing up for himself, he's not standing up for you. What does he say and do when she says you're going to be too fat for your dress? Because if it isn't walking out the door, it's not a right response. How does she get to blame you for him not calling? Why doesn't he respond to that? It's great if he's got your back, but if he can't do it to FMIL's face then it's useless. Plus, it's not just the wedding. You say she's been doing this for two years and he hasn't put a stop to it. That's really not ok. At all. And it will only get worse.
  • (1) Don't accept anything from your FMIL items that are wedding and non-wedding related. If your FMIL offered to pay for the grooms cake and the RD, don't accept her money. Because later on, she will be upset that you are not involving her in the wedding plans. Also if your FMIL offers you any items for your house and wants to install them, the answer should be thanks, but no thanks. Anything she offers will have a price attached to it.

    (2) After you turn down your FMIL money, they keep her out of wedding plans.

    (3) Just be polite to her, but don't go out of your way to please her. If you see her, just say hello, goodbye, thank you, etc. Keep your conversations limited. If you are ever in the same room as her, walk out of it. She enjoys making up stories about you that are not true, and you don't want this to hurt your marriage.

    (4) Your FI and your FMIL should select a song without your help. Don't get involved at all.

    (5) Any future dealings with your FMIL should be between FI and his mother. Don't engage in any conversion even online ones. Instead, just ignore her.

    (6) Keep your distance from her.
  • Absolutely agree with post above, point #4. Let your FI handle this problem, on his own.

    Also, unplug the TV and flush the video controller.
  • [QUOTE]He sticks up for me to his mom all the time.  Tells her that if she keeps treating me the way she does, she can forget about us coming to visit, meeting our future children, having any part in his life whatsoever.[/QUOTE]

    And then he caves and lets her come over, and she treats you like crap, and he gets angry and says stop treating her like crap or you'll never see us again, and she cries, and he caves, and then she comes over and treats you like crap, and he gets angry and says stop treating her like crap or you'll never see us again, and she cries, and he caves, and then she comes over and treats you like crap, and he gets angry and says stop treating her like crap or you'll never see us again, and she cries, and he caves, and then she comes over and treats you like crap, and he gets angry and says stop treating her like crap or you'll never see us again, and she cries, and he caves, and then she comes over and treats you like crap, and he gets angry and says stop treating her like crap or you'll never see us again, and she cries, and he caves, and then she comes over and treats you like crap.

    Yeah, Your FMIL is definitely the problem here.
  • Honestly...it kinda sounds like she want to keep pushing you so YOU will call off the wedding and she will get what she wants - because clearly her talks with her son go no where...which kuddos to your Fiance for that!!! 

    Communication, I think we can all work on with our spouses or soon to be spouses....so keep at it!!!

    I feel really bad for you...and this is a problem you will probably have to deal with for the rest of your life...so I agree with some of the other posts to have your Fiance deal with his mother and try to stay as far away from the conflict as possible!

    Good luck!!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • cncoombscncoombs member
    10 Comments
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ughfmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aff66186-a6f6-4db2-b4b7-f05e8d208f74Post:69381ba8-d77e-4a47-a34f-86c59173c8bd">Re: Ugh...FMIL...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your FI won't get anywhere with your FMIL if he doesn't reinforce what he says.  Think of how small children work.  If you make a threat, but never follow through, you now have a brat that disrespects your authority and knows that you're full of crap. Same thing for an overly aggressive and dumb FMIL (I say dumb because anyone who willfully rips apart their family this way is stupid).  He must tell her "You cannot disrespect my future wife without disrespecting me.  If you continue to do this to us, we will not speak to you, nor have you involved in our new family in any way" And then?  Cut her out.  Don't answer calls, don't respond to facebook, don't text or e-mail back.  Show her she's not going to get ANY attention for her bratty antics.  Show her that you are a united front, and there are consequences for messing with either of you.  You BOTH deserve respect, and she needs to be shown that. If she goes for the nuclear option and decides to cut you out of your lives, will you really miss her?  Will it lower your quality of life?  I'm thinking no.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I agree!!! Great advice!</div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Some great advice here, the only thing I want to add is this:

    don't have the mother son(s) dance. At all. Your FI isn't comfortable with his mom making it about him and his brother (which is weird, btw), so it should be removed from the festivities.

    And ditto the "three in your marriage" thing. My ex husband will also agree. His mother was our undoing, and we're great friends now, we just couldn't be married. She was the primary reason.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Not that your fmil is right or anything and idk how to appease her, this is also very minor. But your fbil gains leave days every month or so, as far aa I know, and he should get a leave block where he can use days during Christmas.
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