Moms and Maids

Mother in law from hell

I'm marrying my high school sweetheart and we already have a child together.  His mother and I could not even speak to each other up until our daughter was born.  We get along somewhat now but I know it is only because of our daughter and she wants to be allowed around her.  She is taking advantage of the fact I'm trying to keep the peace by being pushy with the wedding and doing things that I don't want done at all.  I want a casual country wedding and she's trying to make it all dressy and not us.  She picked out the most ridiculous dress for herself, it's a flame red sexy look at me dress!  We had all agreed that the mom's would be wearing darker fall color wedding dresses (she said she was going to choose a dark red dress which I was fine with) but she goes and does all these things and is taking advantage of me trying to be nice to her. 

On top of that her youngest child will be our flower girl and she keeps trying to push me into allowing her to wear one of those david's bridal flower girl dresses called "mini brides" that is a mini version of my dress!  I'm sorry if anyone else likes this because they are cute, but it's not my thing.  Little girls don't need to dress up like brides until they are brides and it takes away the specialness of my gown.
What do I do?

Re: Mother in law from hell

  • edited December 2011

    I would suggest not to worry about what she is wearing.  If she wants to look out of place it looks badly on her not on you. 

    I would however suggest work on the relationship with your Future Mother IN Law.  I realize that some people are not blessed with great mother in laws but strive for the best relationship you can have with her, it will make your life and your fiance's life much better.

    Good Luck!

    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
  • edited December 2011
    You should let your fiance handle his mother, I think.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1a444cf-169f-4f30-9347-2a5ca8ae84e3Post:563a053c-bf55-4639-be83-9ac283e8e255">Mother in law from hell</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm marrying my high school sweetheart and we already have a child together.  His mother and I could not even speak to eachother up until our daughter was born.  We get along somewhat now but I know it is only because of our daughter and she wants to be allowed around her.  She is taking advantage of the fact I'm trying to keep the peace by being pushy with the wedding and doing things that I don't want done at all.  I want a casual country wedding and she's trying to make it all dressy and not us.  She picked out the most ridiculous dress for herself, it's a flame red sexy look at me dress!  We had all agreed that the mom's would be wearing darker fall color wedding dresses (she said she was going to choose a dark red dress which I was fine with) but she goes and does all these things and is taking advantage of me trying to be nice to her.  What do I do?
    Posted by stephanie91[/QUOTE]

    Who's paying for your wedding?

    Sorry, but you don't get to dictate how adults dress. If she changed her mind, she changed her mind.

    And yes, where is your FI in all of this? Why isn't he reigning his mother in?
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, you only get a say on your dress and the dresses for the wedding party. All other adults, including the moms, get to wear whatever they think is appropriate.

    If you are paying for your own wedding, just thank FMIL for sharing her ideas and then do what you want. If she is contributing, then you have to take her opinions into consideration.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    I don't know why everyone asks 'who is paying'. Regardless of who is paying, it's YOUR wedding. I have the same type of mother in law. She throws a fit about everything and complains about every little decision. My fiance is also a push over and doesn't like confrontation so he doesn't want to cause problems by saying something to her. This is what I do... Look at her as if she was raised by a psycho and think, 'Lady, you are a psycho. And the reason you do what you do, is becuase you have no self-confidence and you ALWAYS have to take the attention. In reality, you are just making yourself look like an idiot'. It's definitely helped me a lot. :) I hope everything works out, and remember, this is YOUR wedding. Not hers.
  • AmynutritionAmynutrition member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My mom is in her mid 60s and my FMIL is 70. They both want to lose weight for the wedding. If either can pull of a sexy red dress I say go for it! My bridesmaids will be in sexy red dresses anyway.

    Think about it from her perspective: With all due respect, if my son got a girl pregnant and had a kid out-of-wedlock I would be furious.

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  • Queen JaneQueen Jane member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1a444cf-169f-4f30-9347-2a5ca8ae84e3Post:11586c07-cb27-48ab-9505-bae2d38fb9c7">Re: Mother in law from hell</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom is in her mid 60s and my FMIL is 70. They both want to lose weight for the wedding. If either can pull of a sexy red dress I say go for it! My bridesmaids will be in sexy red dresses anyway. Think about it from her perspective: <strong>With all due respect, if my son got a girl pregnant and had a kid out-of-wedlock I would be furious.</strong>
    Posted by Amynutrition[/QUOTE]

    Judgmental much?

    OP, you can't dictate what FMIL wears. She is a grown woman and can make that decision (inappropriate or not) on her own. My own FMIL is no picnic, but I suck it up as best I can.
    I would suggest to stop talking about the wedding with her and let your FI deal with her.
  • stephanie91stephanie91 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She's not putting in a cent.  And it's not just somewhat inappropriate it is completely in appropriate to what she is wearing.  If your going to be rude than don't post. 

    It would be one thing if this was a formal wedding but it's not.  We had all agreed on a color scheme and she's going outside of it and taking advantage of me...not cool.  In every picture you see of me and my future husband looking down the isle...you are going to see a huge red dot. I'm sorry but I want fabulous pictures that focus on us....not a red dot because she is an attention whore. Honestly I'm surprised she didn't choose white!  The site was one I had shown her for a dress for her teenage daughter because I thought one of the more modest dresses on there was one she would love -- />http://www.modcloth.com/Womens/Dresses/-Sentimental-Journey-Dress
    but this is what my MIL is getting --- />http://www.modcloth.com/Womens/Dresses/-Second-Verse-Dress

    so to even begin this is not even in her age group of clothing, don't get me wrong the dress is gorgeous...but for her no. 

    All in all, it's not so much the dress as it is what it symbolizes...her being a pushy, attention whore, she could let us have our day, because in the end it is our day and I don't want it to be focused on her which it will be. 

    My fiance and her are just getting back on speaking grounds, I'd rather have her be mean to me and deal with it than have him risk their relationship getting better.

    And who cares if I had a child "out of wedlock." get real.
  • Queen JaneQueen Jane member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    OP, I know you are annoyed but I promise you will have all the attention day of. Retread is correct, parents do not need to dress in wedding colors. If you are really that worried about pics, ask your photog to shoot from an angle that doesn't catch her during the ceremony, but I really don't think she will stand out as sorely as you think. My FMIL is also the type who needs attention. She is 60 years old there is nothing I can say or do to change that and I have accepted it. What I can do is walk away when she goes too far. FI and I also gave a child together and while I let FMIL have her way with many things (the ones that in grand scheme of things, really don't matter), this leaves me the ability to put my foot down on the important stuff. It's a balance, the best advice I can give is to really pick your battles wisely. While you see the whole dress issue as an offense, it's just her personality and I doubt she means it to come across the way you are seeing it. Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    You can't tell her what color to wear unless you are going to buy the dress for her. She isn't a bridesmaid.
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  • edited December 2011
    Am I the only one who doesn't think that dress is super provocative or an innappropriate color? :-/
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Did she already get the dress? The web site says it's out of stock. So this may be even more of a non-issue.

    @Jennifer and Nate- I don't think the color or style is particularly provocative. There might be a problem with sizing, though, because junior clothing is proportioned differently from misses sizes. If stephanie's fmil tries that dress on, she might decide on her own that she doesn't like the way it looks on her. But it is definitely the fmil's decision and if she looks ridiculous, it's a reflection on her taste, no one else's.


                       
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1a444cf-169f-4f30-9347-2a5ca8ae84e3Post:cb00a58b-521e-4ac4-9f2e-f88ca4188eb9">Re: Mother in law from hell</a>:
    [QUOTE]She's not putting in a cent.  And it's not just somewhat inappropriate it is completely in appropriate to what she is wearing.  If your going to be rude than don't post.  It would be one thing if this was a formal wedding but it's not.  We had all agreed on a color scheme and she's going outside of it and taking advantage of me...not cool.  In every picture you see of me and my future husband looking down the isle...you are going to see a huge red dot. I'm sorry but I want fabulous pictures that focus on us....not a red dot because she is an attention whore. Honestly I'm surprised she didn't choose white!  The site was one I had shown her for a dress for her teenage daughter because I thought one of the more modest dresses on there was one she would love -- /> <a href="http://www.modcloth.com/Womens/Dresses/-Sentimental-Journey-Dress" rel="nofollow">http://www.modcloth.com/Womens/Dresses/-Sentimental-Journey-Dress</a> but this is what my MIL is getting --- /> <a href="http://www.modcloth.com/Womens/Dresses/-Second-Verse-Dress" rel="nofollow">http://www.modcloth.com/Womens/Dresses/-Second-Verse-Dress</a> so to even begin this is not even in her age group of clothing, don't get me wrong the dress is gorgeous...but for her no.  All in all, it's not so much the dress as it is what it symbolizes...her being a pushy, attention whore, she could let us have our day, because in the end it is our day and I don't want it to be focused on her which it will be.  My fiance and her are just getting back on speaking grounds, I'd rather have her be mean to me and deal with it than have him risk their relationship getting better. And who cares if I had a child "out of wedlock." get real.
    Posted by stephanie91[/QUOTE]

    I sure hope that the "91" in the screen name is not the year of your birth.  It sure sounds like it. 

    IMHO, the dress she chose is very nice.  It might not be what you like but it's what she feels comfortable in.  I'm sure it's very frustrating to deal with an AW FMIL, but in no way is it appropriate for you to dictate what she wears.  She is a grown woman and she can decide that for herself. 

    If there is a problem with her in general, your FI needs to handle it.  You shouldn't have to handle her - it's his mother.
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  • edited December 2011
    All I can say is be glad you HAVE a FMIL.  I don't.  My FI's mom passed away in 2005 from cancer.  Planning the weddings been really hard on him cause he keeps thinking about how much he wishes his mom could be there.  I thank the Gods every day that his grandma (her mom) is still around to be the support he needs.  She can't take his moms place but she's a close second. 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1a444cf-169f-4f30-9347-2a5ca8ae84e3Post:cedcb230-e127-4743-a1d4-2bcf7b697184">Re: Mother in law from hell</a>:
    [QUOTE]Am I the only one who doesn't think that dress is super provocative or an innappropriate color? :-/
    Posted by Jennifer&Nate[/QUOTE]

    i like it. i thought it was going to be a skin tight hootchie mama dress that showed every curve of the woman's body! this is nice...a little brighter red than OP wanted but if i saw the groom's mother in this dress at a fall country wedding i would think it looked nice

    i understand if you think she is running away with things, but what is helpful for me is having 'non-negotiables' and being flexible with everything else...now that doesn't mean letting people steamroll over you, but maybe it can help keep things in perspective. plus, letting her wear the dress she wants will hopefully go a longggg way...then you don't have to hear her complain everytime she sees a picture (or you) that she hated her dress blah blah blah.

    Good luck to you and your FI! and Congrats
  • jacrice12jacrice12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    My future mother in law is the same way.  I've deiced I’m buying my mother and his mother their dresses as a ‘gift’ that way they look great and appropriate to what I want.  I'm having a casual wedding and am specifying this on my invitations.  She may not be part of the wedding party but I think you should stand up to her and tell her no because it seems like she is getting everything she wants and really it YOUR day not hers.  And you're right it'll be sticking out in all of the picture of what is supposed to be your special day.

  • stephanie91stephanie91 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes I know I cannot "control" her which is not what I'm trying to do.  I just want her to stop going behind my back.  Like I said in previous posts if you are going to be rude don't post.  It's that simple.  I wanted to vent that's all.  I don't need your judgments.  As I have said it's not the dress it's what it symbolizes.  Read what I say before you start typing.  I'll support you on your vents...I expect the same thing.  And the 91 stands for the year I moved to AZ not my age so stop trying to judge me.  And even if it was my year of birth who cares?  That would make me 20 and legal to marry.

    And it is a great dress, just not for her.  She recently had a boob job that made her a D cup so she will be popping out everywhere.
  • Marilyn OteroMarilyn Otero member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i am having the same issue with my FMIL. I want to have a say in what she wears only bc she dresses ridiculous at times and not her age. I want to pick a complimenting color to my color scheme bc me and my fiance are paying for everything and i will be damned if my pictures come out bad. I do not discuss any wedding plans or details  with her bc she really doesn't care. do what you want it is your wedding and ur memories. she had her day years before so keep that in mind.
  • Marilyn OteroMarilyn Otero member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    also found this:
    Q. What are the color restrictions surrounding the mother of the groom's dress?A. Traditionally, avoiding dresses in the white and ivory color family (that can appear to rival the bride), black gowns (that can suggest mourning) and red gowns (or similarly "flashy" shades) is the standard. Though we've seen moms in white who look tailored and elegant. We think black is classic, chic, and formal, and know that even red can be done with gorgeous good taste. The bottom line? Before you start shopping, talk to the bride. She may be very sensitive to the color issue or completely indifferent. If she expresses reservation, think about subdued-but-stately colors in the lavender, silver, burgundy, and blue families.Q. When it comes to choosing the mother of the groom's dress, how much say does the bride have?A. It's nice to consult her on color -- especially if you have your heart set on white, black, or red. She may also have ideas about style, length, and formality. Do try to respect her wishes -- and recognize that she might be too polite (or scared) to express her true thoughts for fear of offending or disappointing you. While shopping, keep her guidelines in mind, but the dress you finally settle on should make you happy, too.

    Read more: Mother of the Groom: Attire Etiquette Q&A - TheKnot.com http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/mother-of-the-bride/articles/mother-of-the-groom-attire.aspx#ixzz1PJ91zb00
  • stephanie91stephanie91 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1a444cf-169f-4f30-9347-2a5ca8ae84e3Post:bfdcade0-c819-4d6f-911c-6eea442609f4">Re: Mother in law from hell</a>:
    [QUOTE]i am having the same issue with my FMIL. I want to have a say in what she wears only bc she dresses ridiculous at times and not her age. I want to pick a complimenting color to my color scheme bc me and my fiance are paying for everything and i will be damned if my pictures come out bad. I do not discuss any wedding plans or details  with her bc she really doesn't care. do what you want it is your wedding and ur memories. she had her day years before so keep that in mind.
    Posted by Marilyn Otero[/QUOTE]

    Thank you!  Seriously it's our day not hers and she's had 4 of her own so she can just take the back seat for a change!
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