Difficult Bridesmaid Etiquette

BrideFox5

I have an increasing problem on my hands with one of my bridesmaids. My wedding is less than 6 months away (June 26), and the plan is for the bridesmaids (there are 5 including MOH) to purchase their dresses in March. I asked all my maids in September 2009 and they all agreed. Even the friend who knew she would have to travel a ways to attend my wedding. 2 weeks until Christmas she let me know she might not be able to attend. I can understand her reasons why, and I will be okay (yet still sad) if she is unable to make it. However, if she is not able to make it, I will need to find a replacement bridesmaid. People keep telling me, its okay, you don't need another one, you're fine with who you have. But in my mind, it will bug me the whole wedding day, how someone will have to walk separate down the aisle because there is one more guy than girl. We have 5 bridesmaids because that is my favorite number and in turn, my fiance asked 5 of his friends (including Best Man). I don't want the bridal party to be un-even. Maybe I'm crazy, or just have OCD. Anyways. I gave the bridesmaid a polite ultimatium a month back or so. I asked to be notified by a certain date if she knew she would be able to attend my wedding or not. She called and I missed it since I was down with a virus for a week. No voicemail left. I returned her call, in turn left HER a voicemail, no reply since. It is now the deadline and as the timely person I am, and I upset I haven't gotten a response. I need advice on handling this situation. Do I draw out my deadline waiting to hear from her? Or should I take her silence as she is unable to make it? And if so, should I just go ahead and ask the back-up bridesmaid? I don't want to give the other girl not enough time to decide if she can be a bridesmaid, or not enough to prepare herself (asking time off work, saving for the dress and shoes) for being a bridesmaid. I know this is really long but its the best way to describe everything going on. Please help! Thank you!

gigipurr84

Give her another call (or two!) since maybe she may have been busy or out of town. Then if she still hasn't returned your call within a week, then definitely give ask another girl to be a bridesmaid. If the first girl thinks she still is a bridesmaid afterwards, tell her that since she indicated that she couldn't make it, you just went ahead and replaced her so that each GM has a BM. She'll understand, and if she doesn't then she doesn't deserve to be a BM anyway.

MOBinFL2008

First and foremost, call the BM.  If you get her on the phone (and I doubt that you will) great, if not, leave her a VM.  You need to apologize for giving her an ultimatum.  That is just rude and tacky and you were out of line. 

If she gets the dress, she'll be in the wedding.  If the day of the wedding comes and she doesn't have the dress, she won't be in the wedding.  It's as easy as that.  Do not ask a relacement bridesmaid.  She will know that she was not good enough to make the cut originally and there will be hurt feelings. 

It is not necessary to have even sides in the wedding.  One GM will be a lucky guy if he gets to escort two lovely ladies.....problem solved.  Believe me, on your wedding day you will not be thinking about uneven sides.

emarston1

Choosing 5 people because that is your favorite number is weird to me.  You should choose people because they are close to you, not because it fulfills some weird OCD thing you have.

If your friend cannot attend the wedding, do not replace her.  This will tell your friend that she's replaceable (which she shouldn't be) and it will tell the girl that you replace her with that she didn't make the cut the first time around.

I have crazy OCD too and need things to be matchy-matchy but even I would not add another for the numbers to match.

Be a friend first, and a bride second.  Is it worth ruining a friendship over ONE day?

MairePoppy

Don't try to replace the BM. You could have the 5th GM (or usher) escort the MOB, MOG or Grandmother down the aisle. Or one BM could be escorted by 2 men. Or have everyone walk single file. You shouldn't choose your wedding party by your favorite number, you choose your favorite people. period.

I suspect you hurt your friends feelings when you gave her an ultimatum. See if an apology will help and if this is a financial issue, you could help pay for her dress.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-bridesmaid-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b2beb55c-45e7-4b0f-b0c6-3ceb4267002aPost:0ccd3a05-9b36-4587-8415-d8a3207eda04">Difficult Bridesmaid Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I gave the bridesmaid a polite ultimatium a month back or so. I asked to be notified by a certain date if she knew she would be able to attend my wedding or not. </strong>
Posted by BrideFox5[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So basically, you threatened on of your best friends (I'm sorry, gave her a polite ultimatum-like there is such a thing) on the basis of something as arbitrary as "5 is my favorite number."</div><div>
</div><div>These are <strong>people </strong>you are treating like garbage.  They aren't props.  The WP does not have to be even.  Despite the fact that you are acting neurotic about it, the only place that it is even remotely an issue is in your head.  Aside from the fact that you need to call your friend ASAP and apologize for your behavior, please don't replace her if she decides not to attend.  How offensive to her replacement.  "Hey, so I didn't care about you enough when I first picked the WP but now that someone has dropped out, I care."</div><div>
</div><div>Your BM isn't responding to you because you hurt her.  Instead of saying "I would be happy to have you if you can make it" you basically told her to put up or shut up, which was probably really awful to hear from someone that is supposed to be one of your best friends.  </div><div>
</div><div>You are destroying relationships over one day in your life.  Please reconsider your behavior and your completely ridiculous need to have even sides and treat the people in your life with respect.</div><div>
</div><div>If she makes it to the wedding in her dress, she's in the WP.  If she doesn't then have uneven sides.  You are making this bigger than it needs to be and potentially destroying relationships over a stupid number. 

</div>

bablingbrooke

Ultimatums have no place in weddings.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-bridesmaid-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b2beb55c-45e7-4b0f-b0c6-3ceb4267002aPost:0ccd3a05-9b36-4587-8415-d8a3207eda04">Difficult Bridesmaid Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I have an increasing problem on my hands with one of my bridesmaids. My wedding is less than 6 months away (June 26), and the plan is for the bridesmaids (there are 5 including MOH) to purchase their dresses in March. I asked all my maids in September 2009 and they all agreed. Even the friend who knew she would have to travel a ways to attend my wedding. 2 weeks until Christmas she let me know she might not be able to attend. I can understand her reasons why, and I will be okay (yet still sad) if she is unable to make it. However, if she is not able to make it, I will need to find a replacement bridesmaid. People keep telling me, its okay, you don't need another one, you're fine with who you have. But in my mind, it will bug me the whole wedding day, how someone will have to walk separate down the aisle because there is one more guy than girl. We have 5 bridesmaids because that is my favorite number and in turn, my fiance asked 5 of his friends (including Best Man). I don't want the bridal party to be un-even. Maybe I'm crazy, or just have OCD. Anyways. I gave the bridesmaid a polite ultimatium a month back or so. I asked to be notified by a certain date if she knew she would be able to attend my wedding or not. She called and I missed it since I was down with a virus for a week. No voicemail left. I returned her call, in turn left HER a voicemail, no reply since. It is now the deadline and as the timely person I am, and I upset I haven't gotten a response. I need advice on handling this situation. Do I draw out my deadline waiting to hear from her? Or should I take her silence as she is unable to make it? And if so, should I just go ahead and ask the back-up bridesmaid? I don't want to give the other girl not enough time to decide if she can be a bridesmaid, or not enough to prepare herself (asking time off work, saving for the dress and shoes) for being a bridesmaid. I know this is really long but its the best way to describe everything going on. Please help! Thank you!
Posted by BrideFox5[/QUOTE]

Paragraphs are your friend.  That was wicked hard to get through.

But what I got was that you have a lucky number.  You based your selection of a WP on a random number.  That's just silly.

You have a friend who might not e able to make it.  She let you know that up front.  You gave her an ultimatum. That's just silly.

You're more worried about a 20 second walk down the aisle after your ceremony than you are about a longtime friend.  That's just silly.

You're going to ask someone else to be a second-string choice for your WP.  That's just silly.

I think you're being silly.  I think if you re-read what you wrote, you'll agree.

Stop being silly.  Call your friend.  Tell her that you caught a severe case of "wedding sillies" but that medication has cured you.  Tell her that you love her, and that if she's there, you'll be thrilled, and if she can't make it, you'll miss her but you completely understand.

And stop being silly.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-bridesmaid-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b2beb55c-45e7-4b0f-b0c6-3ceb4267002aPost:52bdaa91-393f-4504-8fc7-f99898d3df74">Re: Difficult Bridesmaid Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Choosing 5 people because that is your favorite number is weird to me.  You should choose people because they are close to you, not because it fulfills some weird OCD thing you have. If your friend cannot attend the wedding, do not replace her.  This will tell your friend that she's replaceable (which she shouldn't be) and it will tell the girl that you replace her with that she didn't make the cut the first time around. I have crazy OCD too and need things to be matchy-matchy but even I would not add another for the numbers to match. Be a friend first, and a bride second.  Is it worth ruining a friendship over ONE day?
Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]

<div>Um yeah THIS.  </div><div>You are being a horrible friend.  Are you 15?  5 is your fav # OMG!!!!1!!1!</div><div>
</div><div>Really think about what is important your favorite number or the people in your life.  </div>

deepcovejackie

Listen to Trix.  All I got from your post was "I'm silly".

sbily2010

half of what pp are saying is true. I take what they are saying is u uninvited your one bm completely from your wedding, if that is the case then yea you were rude but you can have a time line too.

My FSIL is in another wedding this year and the bride and maids all had to have their dresses ordered and a deposit put down by a certain date to get a major discount threw the bridal shop. Would it have been fair to the others if one girl couldn't make up her mind if she couldn't afford it? No it wouldn't have been but they were all given enough time to decide.

as far as having a magic number you gotta let that go... I understand how hard it is for people who truly have OCD to change their ways and go against a feeling of something they really HAVE to do. So I say good luck to you on the challenge

lbarbosky

Do you want to remain friends with this BM? Apologize for the voicemail, and be sincere about it. You aren't the first bride to go ballistic over something, and you won't be the last. If she is a good friend, she will be understanding IF you apologize. Be mature about your follow-up.

If you don't want to remain friends with her, why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid in the first place?

luckyme502

Why can't all the groomsmen be at the alter and have the bridesmaids walk themselves?  Why don't you ask another person now, and then maybe have 6 instead of 5?  Do you always give your friends ultimatums?  I have a dearest friend in the world who happens to have 4 children, lives 3000 miles away and a husband in Iraq.  I want her to be my MOH, but she's not sure she will be able to make it so if she shows up she'll be MOH, if she can't make it, she can't.  I will be very disappointed, but my wedding is one day and our friendship is forever.  This kind of relationship is what seems to missing from your post.  Did you just pick her to fill up 1 of 5 slots you had open to reach your favorite number?  My favorite number is 12.  Should I have 12 bridesmaids?

oceana919

You are seriously considering replacing a bridesmaid in your wedding so you can achieve a bridal party size based on your favorite number?

::headdesk x 100::

First of all, there is nothing wrong with having an uneven wedding party. I've got 5 girls (and my favorite number is 9, btw), and my FI has 6 guys. I asked the most important women in my life to stand up for me, FI asked the most important men, and it just happened to be uneven. I wasn't about to add someone on as a "consolation" BM, nor was I about to ask my FI to drop a groomsmen. Two guys are walking out with one girl. I actually have OCD, and I'll live.

Secondly, you need to think about how this (as someone else put it) "second-string" bridesmaid will feel. I'll be honest, if a friend asked me to be in her bridal party after-the-fact, and I knew the only reason she asked was because someone else got booted/dropped out, I would politely decline. If someone wasn't important enough to you to ask the first time around, why would you ask the second time around?

a9l2f5

Have the 4th Bridesmaid walk with a groomsman on each arm!  Or have the 5th groomsman walk your mom (or the last parent/grandparent) before the bridal procession starts.  After that parent is seated, the groomsman walks to the altar (he'll be the one on the far end) and the rest of the procession starts.

krmabojo

She is probably pissed off at you for leaving an ultimatium. Now you do not get the pleasure of her being with you on your special day.

Good job.

You should have been nicer.

martiny59

I'm going to contradict what everyone else seems to be saying.  I think it's perfectly fine to tell your BM that she needs to let you know by a certain date if she will be able to make it or not (the word choice of "ultimatum" isn't the best, though).  BM dresses need to be ordered so far in advance, so it makes sense to put a deadline on her decision.  I understand your desire for uniformity.  Your friend should be flattered you want her to be in your wedding, but should decline the appointment to BM if she is unable to commit 100%.  I agree that you definitely need to talk to her before you think about asking anyone else.  It would be rude to "assume" she doesn't want to because she's been out of touch (maybe she caught some virius too; you never know) since she accepted your original offer.  Explain to her why you needed to know by that date and that it wasn't done to rush her, just because it is necessary in the planning.  If she is still indecisive, perhaps you can suggest she take a different role in your wedding; one that could easily replaced last minute (if need be) and doesn't require a matching dress, like doing a reading.  She's a special friend, that's why you asked her to be in your wedding to begin with.  I'd also offer her a way out.  Maybe she's not telling you all of her reasons for not commiting.  Let her know she's important to you and you'd like her to be there, but will completely understand if she can not be. 

gigipurr84

Yes! I agree with Martiny. It looks better to have an even amount on each side and she won't be heartbroken if you are up front and honest with her.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-bridesmaid-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b2beb55c-45e7-4b0f-b0c6-3ceb4267002aPost:798e799c-0951-4fcd-bb9d-44c537332dcc">Re: Difficult Bridesmaid Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes! I agree with Martiny. It looks better to have an even amount on each side and she won't be heartbroken if you are up front and honest with her.
Posted by 8124710929466695[/QUOTE]

Huh?  Even sides make NO difference.   How is it "better"??

And it's not for you to know if she'll appreciate the confrontation.  Most likely she won't since few people do.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-bridesmaid-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b2beb55c-45e7-4b0f-b0c6-3ceb4267002aPost:798e799c-0951-4fcd-bb9d-44c537332dcc">Re: Difficult Bridesmaid Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes! I agree with Martiny. It looks better to have an even amount on each side and she won't be heartbroken if you are up front and honest with her.
Posted by 8124710929466695[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I can't imagine why one of your good friends would be upset that she was less important than having even sides.

Yeah...right.

gigipurr84

My sister had to ask her FI's sister to be a bridesmaid after another one left, and she was fine with being "second string". There is a way of talking with someone about this that is more tactful and also humorous that will not hurt someone's feelings. Saying something like, "Look, I don't want you to think that you are less important to us, but since we have room for one more bridesmaid, we would like you to be the one. It is almost like you can be our Rudy!" (Hahahahha!). Treat it as a funny situation, not a huge crisis. I would think anyone would be flattered to be asked than not to be asked at all. Obviously if they weren't chosen from the beginning, then they would sort of feel like they were less important than the "chosen ones" anyway. I would love to have all of my girlfriends be bridesmaids, but had to narrow it down to six. My other friends don't feel left out, and if I need to ask one of them to fill in, I doubt they woud feel second-string. They'd probably be just happy to be able to be a part of it- I know I would if I was in that situation. Jealously and bitterness are for the immature.

mam677

One of my BM's told me one month before the wedding that she couldn't make it so I had uneven sides at my wedding. It was just fine. Two groomsmen walked one BM down. No one gave a hoot and the pictures came out great too. Don't fret about the sides. Worry more about the friendship.

SocialWorker2B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-bridesmaid-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b2beb55c-45e7-4b0f-b0c6-3ceb4267002aPost:798e799c-0951-4fcd-bb9d-44c537332dcc">Re: Difficult Bridesmaid Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes! I agree with Martiny. It looks better to have an even amount on each side and she won't be heartbroken if you are up front and honest with her.
Posted by gigipurr84[/QUOTE]

Oh, god.......a piece of my soul just died.

If you end up have 4 BMs and 5 GMs then one lucky lady can be escorted by two handsome men. Lucky her!

And, this "uneven-ness" is only for the recessional since only the maids usually walk in during the processional.

I had my mom as my MOH and MH had his mom as his BM and so they each walked out singly. Worked out fine and it was the last thing on anyone's mind that day.

I truly understand having OCD and the difficulty associated with it since I am a Psychology major. However, in this case, you just gotta get over it, suck it up, call your friend, get down on your knees and beg for her forgiveness.

As a friend - YOU SUCK. And, if you did that to me, you would have been b!tchslapped so hard you would have forgotten all about the uneven sides.

C'mon, be a better friend, a better PERSON, and remember that your wedding is ONE day and is nothing more than a party to anyone besides you.

dianenjnj

fwiw the best man and groom usually are already standing at the altar awaiting the bride and rest of the bridal party...sooooo MOH normally walks alone....th rest will have a partner....problem solved!

chill...this is not worth worrying about and driving everyone crazy over.