Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Moms and Maids
Difficult Bridesmaid Etiquette
I have an increasing problem on my hands with one of my bridesmaids. My wedding is less than 6 months away (June 26), and the plan is for the bridesmaids (there are 5 including MOH) to purchase their dresses in March. I asked all my maids in September 2009 and they all agreed. Even the friend who knew she would have to travel a ways to attend my wedding. 2 weeks until Christmas she let me know she might not be able to attend. I can understand her reasons why, and I will be okay (yet still sad) if she is unable to make it. However, if she is not able to make it, I will need to find a replacement bridesmaid. People keep telling me, its okay, you don't need another one, you're fine with who you have. But in my mind, it will bug me the whole wedding day, how someone will have to walk separate down the aisle because there is one more guy than girl. We have 5 bridesmaids because that is my favorite number and in turn, my fiance asked 5 of his friends (including Best Man). I don't want the bridal party to be un-even. Maybe I'm crazy, or just have OCD. Anyways. I gave the bridesmaid a polite ultimatium a month back or so. I asked to be notified by a certain date if she knew she would be able to attend my wedding or not. She called and I missed it since I was down with a virus for a week. No voicemail left. I returned her call, in turn left HER a voicemail, no reply since. It is now the deadline and as the timely person I am, and I upset I haven't gotten a response. I need advice on handling this situation. Do I draw out my deadline waiting to hear from her? Or should I take her silence as she is unable to make it? And if so, should I just go ahead and ask the back-up bridesmaid? I don't want to give the other girl not enough time to decide if she can be a bridesmaid, or not enough to prepare herself (asking time off work, saving for the dress and shoes) for being a bridesmaid. I know this is really long but its the best way to describe everything going on. Please help! Thank you!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Difficult Bridesmaid Etiquette
First and foremost, call the BM. If you get her on the phone (and I doubt that you will) great, if not, leave her a VM. You need to apologize for giving her an ultimatum. That is just rude and tacky and you were out of line.
If she gets the dress, she'll be in the wedding. If the day of the wedding comes and she doesn't have the dress, she won't be in the wedding. It's as easy as that. Do not ask a relacement bridesmaid. She will know that she was not good enough to make the cut originally and there will be hurt feelings.
It is not necessary to have even sides in the wedding. One GM will be a lucky guy if he gets to escort two lovely ladies.....problem solved. Believe me, on your wedding day you will not be thinking about uneven sides.
If your friend cannot attend the wedding, do not replace her. This will tell your friend that she's replaceable (which she shouldn't be) and it will tell the girl that you replace her with that she didn't make the cut the first time around.
I have crazy OCD too and need things to be matchy-matchy but even I would not add another for the numbers to match.
Be a friend first, and a bride second. Is it worth ruining a friendship over ONE day?
I suspect you hurt your friends feelings when you gave her an ultimatum. See if an apology will help and if this is a financial issue, you could help pay for her dress.
[QUOTE]<strong>I gave the bridesmaid a polite ultimatium a month back or so. I asked to be notified by a certain date if she knew she would be able to attend my wedding or not. </strong>
Posted by BrideFox5[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So basically, you threatened on of your best friends (I'm sorry, gave her a polite ultimatum-like there is such a thing) on the basis of something as arbitrary as "5 is my favorite number."</div><div>
</div><div>These are <strong>people </strong>you are treating like garbage. They aren't props. The WP does not have to be even. Despite the fact that you are acting neurotic about it, the only place that it is even remotely an issue is in your head. Aside from the fact that you need to call your friend ASAP and apologize for your behavior, please don't replace her if she decides not to attend. How offensive to her replacement. "Hey, so I didn't care about you enough when I first picked the WP but now that someone has dropped out, I care."</div><div>
</div><div>Your BM isn't responding to you because you hurt her. Instead of saying "I would be happy to have you if you can make it" you basically told her to put up or shut up, which was probably really awful to hear from someone that is supposed to be one of your best friends. </div><div>
</div><div>You are destroying relationships over one day in your life. Please reconsider your behavior and your completely ridiculous need to have even sides and treat the people in your life with respect.</div><div>
</div><div>If she makes it to the wedding in her dress, she's in the WP. If she doesn't then have uneven sides. You are making this bigger than it needs to be and potentially destroying relationships over a stupid number.
</div>
"I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.
A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
[QUOTE]I have an increasing problem on my hands with one of my bridesmaids. My wedding is less than 6 months away (June 26), and the plan is for the bridesmaids (there are 5 including MOH) to purchase their dresses in March. I asked all my maids in September 2009 and they all agreed. Even the friend who knew she would have to travel a ways to attend my wedding. 2 weeks until Christmas she let me know she might not be able to attend. I can understand her reasons why, and I will be okay (yet still sad) if she is unable to make it. However, if she is not able to make it, I will need to find a replacement bridesmaid. People keep telling me, its okay, you don't need another one, you're fine with who you have. But in my mind, it will bug me the whole wedding day, how someone will have to walk separate down the aisle because there is one more guy than girl. We have 5 bridesmaids because that is my favorite number and in turn, my fiance asked 5 of his friends (including Best Man). I don't want the bridal party to be un-even. Maybe I'm crazy, or just have OCD. Anyways. I gave the bridesmaid a polite ultimatium a month back or so. I asked to be notified by a certain date if she knew she would be able to attend my wedding or not. She called and I missed it since I was down with a virus for a week. No voicemail left. I returned her call, in turn left HER a voicemail, no reply since. It is now the deadline and as the timely person I am, and I upset I haven't gotten a response. I need advice on handling this situation. Do I draw out my deadline waiting to hear from her? Or should I take her silence as she is unable to make it? And if so, should I just go ahead and ask the back-up bridesmaid? I don't want to give the other girl not enough time to decide if she can be a bridesmaid, or not enough to prepare herself (asking time off work, saving for the dress and shoes) for being a bridesmaid. I know this is really long but its the best way to describe everything going on. Please help! Thank you!
Posted by BrideFox5[/QUOTE]
Paragraphs are your friend. That was wicked hard to get through.
But what I got was that you have a lucky number. You based your selection of a WP on a random number. That's just silly.
You have a friend who might not e able to make it. She let you know that up front. You gave her an ultimatum. That's just silly.
You're more worried about a 20 second walk down the aisle after your ceremony than you are about a longtime friend. That's just silly.
You're going to ask someone else to be a second-string choice for your WP. That's just silly.
I think you're being silly. I think if you re-read what you wrote, you'll agree.
Stop being silly. Call your friend. Tell her that you caught a severe case of "wedding sillies" but that medication has cured you. Tell her that you love her, and that if she's there, you'll be thrilled, and if she can't make it, you'll miss her but you completely understand.
And stop being silly.
[QUOTE]Choosing 5 people because that is your favorite number is weird to me. You should choose people because they are close to you, not because it fulfills some weird OCD thing you have. If your friend cannot attend the wedding, do not replace her. This will tell your friend that she's replaceable (which she shouldn't be) and it will tell the girl that you replace her with that she didn't make the cut the first time around. I have crazy OCD too and need things to be matchy-matchy but even I would not add another for the numbers to match. Be a friend first, and a bride second. Is it worth ruining a friendship over ONE day?
Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]
<div>Um yeah THIS. </div><div>You are being a horrible friend. Are you 15? 5 is your fav # OMG!!!!1!!1!</div><div>
</div><div>Really think about what is important your favorite number or the people in your life. </div>
My FSIL is in another wedding this year and the bride and maids all had to have their dresses ordered and a deposit put down by a certain date to get a major discount threw the bridal shop. Would it have been fair to the others if one girl couldn't make up her mind if she couldn't afford it? No it wouldn't have been but they were all given enough time to decide.
as far as having a magic number you gotta let that go... I understand how hard it is for people who truly have OCD to change their ways and go against a feeling of something they really HAVE to do. So I say good luck to you on the challenge
If you don't want to remain friends with her, why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid in the first place?
2011 Reading Challenge
You are seriously considering replacing a bridesmaid in your wedding so you can achieve a bridal party size based on your favorite number?
::headdesk x 100::
First of all, there is nothing wrong with having an uneven wedding party. I've got 5 girls (and my favorite number is 9, btw), and my FI has 6 guys. I asked the most important women in my life to stand up for me, FI asked the most important men, and it just happened to be uneven. I wasn't about to add someone on as a "consolation" BM, nor was I about to ask my FI to drop a groomsmen. Two guys are walking out with one girl. I actually have OCD, and I'll live.
Secondly, you need to think about how this (as someone else put it) "second-string" bridesmaid will feel. I'll be honest, if a friend asked me to be in her bridal party after-the-fact, and I knew the only reason she asked was because someone else got booted/dropped out, I would politely decline. If someone wasn't important enough to you to ask the first time around, why would you ask the second time around?
"Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons
Planning / Married / Blog
Good job.
You should have been nicer.
[QUOTE]Yes! I agree with Martiny. It looks better to have an even amount on each side and she won't be heartbroken if you are up front and honest with her.
Posted by 8124710929466695[/QUOTE]
Huh? Even sides make NO difference. How is it "better"??
And it's not for you to know if she'll appreciate the confrontation. Most likely she won't since few people do.
[QUOTE]Yes! I agree with Martiny. It looks better to have an even amount on each side and she won't be heartbroken if you are up front and honest with her.
Posted by 8124710929466695[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I can't imagine why one of your good friends would be upset that she was less important than having even sides.
Yeah...right.
[QUOTE]Yes! I agree with Martiny. It looks better to have an even amount on each side and she won't be heartbroken if you are up front and honest with her.
Posted by gigipurr84[/QUOTE]
Oh, god.......a piece of my soul just died.
If you end up have 4 BMs and 5 GMs then one lucky lady can be escorted by two handsome men. Lucky her!
And, this "uneven-ness" is only for the recessional since only the maids usually walk in during the processional.
I had my mom as my MOH and MH had his mom as his BM and so they each walked out singly. Worked out fine and it was the last thing on anyone's mind that day.
I truly understand having OCD and the difficulty associated with it since I am a Psychology major. However, in this case, you just gotta get over it, suck it up, call your friend, get down on your knees and beg for her forgiveness.
As a friend - YOU SUCK. And, if you did that to me, you would have been b!tchslapped so hard you would have forgotten all about the uneven sides.
C'mon, be a better friend, a better PERSON, and remember that your wedding is ONE day and is nothing more than a party to anyone besides you.